One Sentence Summary: Kacie B & Tierra both play their drama cards this week but only one does it successfully.
Rachel: I surprisingly don’t have much to say going into this week’s episode. Thus far, it’s been pretty tame. No major drama or insanity, though I think Amanda shows promise. I have a feeling she has a little bunny boiler in her and I’m waiting for it to really bubble to the surface. I’m waiting and hoping. So, I won’t bore you with my usual prattling on about what’s annoying me this week and send you straight off to Melissa who will, in turn, throw you directly in to Sean’s abs which are de rigueur to open the show at this point.
Melissa: Really, it’s just week 3?? I swear I’ve been dealing with these nitwits longer than that. Maybe my mind is just playing tricks on me. Maybe I got into the vino a little early today, but I swear it’s been like 5 weeks. I’ve got it. We heard our first L-bomb last week. THAT’S what’s throwing me off! Whew, thank goodness it’s not the wine! I’d hate to have to give it up. OK, so what do we know about tonight? Well, we’ll have our first 2 minutes filled with Seans pecs (Lord help me the day I’m tired of looking a a man’s chest!!), and someone’s going to cry. OK, fine, that’s a gimme but still.
Your Weekly Soft Core
Rachel: If we have to see a half-dressed Sean in the opening segments every week, can someone at least buy him a new pair of gym shorts. All I think when I see those blue shorts is, “I sure hope he’s washed them since last week.” Thinking about laundry is not sexy. Granted, while I’m liking Sean more each week, I still haven’t quite gotten the memo on the sexy hotness. So maybe I’m the only one worried more about his actual pants than what’s in them.
Anyway, Sean tells us, between his sweaty man shots, that he’s surprised by how quickly he’s developing feelings for some of the girls in the house. He’s already digging several women. Well yeah, it’s a smorgasbord of desperate women. What’s not to dig?
Melissa: BOO-YAH, I called it… Sean running shirtless on the treadmill! Not that it was that far of a stretch. Yeah, that was SOOOO necessary. OMG, did I just become turned off by shirtless-ness that isn’t Val Kilmer?? Sorry, I was just thinking of shirtless dudes I use to like, but now don’t want to see sans clothing. Sorry, I digress.
Guinness Book Of Annoying Records
Rachel: Now that we’ve had our weekly dose of man cheese, it’s time for the first date card. It goes to Lesley M much to Leslie H’s chagrin. She was really excited there for a second, but is now cursing her last name. The lucky Lesley, on the other hand, is excited but also nervous for what her date holds for her.
Off Sean & Leslie go to Hollywood Blvd to The Guinness Book of World Records Museum. Big wamp wamp from Leslie because this isn’t what she was expecting. You mean it’s not in a helicopter? Oh you poor thing. How unfair life can be. Whap! That’s me smacking some sense into the back of her head.
Wait, Sean’s dad is in the book? Apparently, yes, he is. He drove the 48 contiguous states in the shortest amount of time. That’s pretty cool. But that isn’t the only reason they’re there. It’s never that simple. They’re there because they will be breaking their own record – Longest On-Screen Kiss. Ah, kissing. So, methinks he had to choose someone that he already kissed for this date, otherwise this might be awkward….. for him. It’s clearly awkward for us no matter who the girl is.
So it’s going to take 3:16 of kissing to set the record. Wait, is the 3:16 a secret hidden Bible message? Are we comparing Sean to Jesus now? Conspiracy theorists, you may begin your pontificating. Wait, did they say whose record it is that they’re breaking? I tried looking it up but found no information. Well, that’s annoying. Anyway, it’s time for us to watch these two kiss for 3+ long painful minutes. Meanwhile, is this really a huge deal? Haven’t you made out for more than 3 minutes before? I’ve had some serious on-couch make-out sessions in my lifetime. Who knew that all I needed was a video camera and YouTube and I’d have broken a world record? Live & learn.
OK, this is the longest three minutes of my life. Where are the editors when you need them? And who is on boner cam? Finally, they break the record and we can turn our eyes back to the tv screen. While it’s the longest three minutes for me, it is the best day ever for Lesley? Really? Girl needs to get out more. Sean’s pretty stoked too. He’s excited about what he & Lesley have. What do you have other than a framed certificate that says you kissed for 3:16?
Melissa: Sweet Mary, why is Lesley freaking out about their date? Oh right, because it could take their relationship to the next level. I have to ask… is that standard now on the Bachelor? That next level thing. I swear I never heard such silliness until this show, and now I find myself waking in a cold sweat at 3am thinking about it. About the only thing I need to take to the next level is some dessert to go with my pinot. Poor Lesley isn’t thrilled with the tour of Guinness (World Records, not the beer sadly), I think. Well, at least it’s just the two of them taking it to the next level. Hey, isn’t that an old drinking rule? Aw, that’s cute his dad is in the book of records.
Hope you guys popped a mint before you walked through that door to your public kissing. I’d be kinda pissed if I weren’t offered one by a producer. Yeah, this is strange and is making me very uncomfortable. Why does he keep bending he backward like that? And is her dress taped to her ass? Seriously, I have no idea how I haven’t see London, France or Leslie’s underpants.
Rachel: And now it’s time for dinner up on a roof. Man, they like a dinner up on a roof. He says that he feels like he’s known her forever. The more he’s with her, the more he wants to spend time with her. It’s been a total of maybe an hour at this point. And didn’t he say that same thing last week about Desi?
Time for family talk. Growing up for Lesley was awesome even though she was kind of a nerd. But her parents have the best relationship, which we know is the key to Sean’s heart. I wonder if the girls had to be vetted for family love before appearing on the show. Oh such bliss. They’re smitten with each other and can both see the potential of a life together. I would love to hear their one-on-one interviews after the first fight. How do we make that happen? Notice on Bachelor Pad how they fight mercilessly with each other, because there’s money on the line. No one’s going home for having an awkward date.
The shine on his forehead right now is epic.
Anyway, he’s blown away. He didn’t think he’d have feelings this fast. So she gets the rose and the kissing commences again. And here we go with the “He’s so perfect” BS again. As if the whole date wasn’t ridiculous enough, we have more confetti. Imagine if you’re the poor shlub sitting there waiting to hit the confetti button. How do you not drink yourself to sleep after that?
Melissa: OK, so for a minute I was about to ask why they were talking about high school… And then I realize she must have just graduated. For real, that dress is taped to her ass!! Confetti too? Come on.
Sand, Sun & Tears
Rachel: Time for next date card and it’s a group date: Kacie, Robin, Leslie H, Kristy, Catherine, Desiree, Taryn, Amanda, Lindsey, Daniella, Jackie & Tierra. That’s a lot of girls, which means a lot of desperate moves for attention.
The girls arrive at the beach and Sean tells them they’re in for a day of tossing the ball around. Oh boy, Amanda tells us that she is getting into the competitive spirit. That should be scary. And more abs from Sean. But before we can start shooting a scene from 50 Shades of Sean, Chris Harrison shows up. Has anyone ever seen Chris in anything other than a button down? Anyway, he tells the girls that they are going to be divided into two teams and the winning team gets to spend time with Sean tonight. The losing team goes home. Oh I’d be screwed if I had to play volleyball. 15 years in LA and I can’t play to save my life.
Team Blue – Lindsay, Jackie, Robin, Desiree, Amanda and Kacie
Team Red – Taryn, Leslie, Kristy, Tierra, Daniella and Catherine
Oh wow, both teams are terrible. Did someone just try and kick the ball? It’s not soccer. Is this really the most important game of your life, Taryn? And why do I have to check the spelling on your name every time I type it? I’m done with her. She can go home.
Team Blue wins the game and Team Red is near tears. Oh wait, Kristy is actually in tears. Yeah um, you may want to chill out. Wait, now Leslie is crying too? They need to be passing out Prozac every morning in the house.
Melissa: Yipes, what’s with that headband Kristy? Why you gotta go channeling your inner Axl Rose? Yeah, because they didn’t gather by the matching sport-kini’s they were all given that there’d be something physical happening? Crying?? There’s no crying in Bachelor Beach Volleyball!! Ha, losers get loaded up into the Econovan to add insult to injury.
Rachel: Time for the after-party for the winning team and it’s hanging with Sean at his house. And you know these fools actually fantasize about living in this house, as if it’s really his. Lindsey has the first one-on-one time and says Sean is everything she’s looking for; on paper and they have chemistry. She wants to look across the room and see him and smile and know that they’re feeling the energy between them. She gives everything when she falls head over heels. Seriously, any other situation where a woman was saying this to a man on a third date – and I use the term “date” very loosely – the man would be leaving skid marks on the floor trying to get out of there… and probably his underwear too visualizing Fatal Attraction.
Next up for sloppy seconds, Desi. I like these two together. He loves her confidence. She’s fun. But she’s also spiritual and deep. If she doesn’t mind saying so herself.
Amanda tells the girls that she intends to get the rose tonight and goes for her alone time with Sean with that goal in mind. She says she has something super serious to discuss. She says that he should have been looking at her when he listed everything he is looking for in a wife because she’s all those things. If they’re married, she’ll bring a light airy feeling to the house. Why, is she air freshener? How is he not panic-stricken with all this insanity coming at him? After she wows Sean with her wonderousness, she tells the girls she brought it with Sean and she’ll be looking forward to getting the rose. Desiree basically laughs in her face.
Kacie sensing an opportunity to drop some girls a few pegs in Sean’s eyes decides to use this little tiff to her advantage. She knows Sean doesn’t like drama, so she thinks telling him there’s drama will make her seem more attractive. Oh Lord, so not a good idea. He doesn’t like drama so you’re going to create drama where there is none? Genius. She tells Sean that she’s between a rock & a hard place. Desiree feels that there is something negative about Amanda which she is talking to Kacie about and that is making Kacie not be able to be herself. Say what? That puts you between a rock and no place. It’s not like Amanda is cornering you too. Forgot that part of the plan, eh? Sean wants to know why she’s saying something to him. Sensing that she didn’t play this right, she starts babbling. Sean clearly is not falling for this and can’t quite figure out why their drama, if it even exists, is affecting her. He wants her to just be Kacie B and not a crazy person. Finally, a bachelor that isn’t interested in playing into the drama and actually calls it out. Another notch of the flagpole for Sean on my likability meter.
As they head back to join the rest of the girls, Kacie is freaking out because she knows she just screwed up. Big time. Yeah, you did. And with that Lindsey gets the rose.
Melissa: OMG, look, they are eating! It’s such an elusive site to watch someone actually put food in their mouth on this show. What’s up there Amanda… you’re kinda strange and it’s freaking me out. I agree with Sean, Kacie. Why the hell are you going this route? Of course it’s not what you expected to happen. You sound like a loon.
Boom Goes The Dynamite.
Rachel: Last date card: Tierra reads it and tells the ladies that AshLee and Selma are going on a date… Nope, just kidding. It’s just AshLee that’s going. Sarah thinks that’s so not cool. Oh Lord, relax. It’s a joke.
AshLee is waiting for her date to start when there is a huge commotion in the hall. That commotion would be Tierra “falling” down the stairs just moments before Sean walks in the door. What amazing timing! Well, that’s one way to get attention. The paramedics also show up and put her in a neck brace. She doesn’t want to go to the hospital though. She just wants to be left alone because this is so stupid. It’s not necessary and she just wants to be let out of the brace. She tells us all this in the whiniest voice I’ve heard from anyone over the age of 4. Yeah, of course you don’t want to go to the hospital because you didn’t really fall. AshLee can see through her game. We all can. Well, we all minus Sean who follows her outside to make sure she’s OK. Not shockingly, she is doing just fine. One-on-one time achieved. Yo Kacie, this is how you work some sympathy. You know she wishes she had thrown herself down the hillside last night.
Melissa: Wait, Tierra is the one who fell? Did I not know that? HA, now it makes sense… Several concussions huh, Sean? Anyway, I’m borderline in agreement with the house chicas that Tierra is playing.
Killing Me Softly
Rachel: Finally AshLee gets her date. Sean says today’s date will be testing to see if she has a kind, compassionate heart. And she also has to act like a big kid which means she can let loose. I find these character tests so demeaning. Yes, this show in and of itself is demeaning, but this is a new special kind of demeaning. Let’s put you in awkward or scary situations and make you prove your moral character. Feh.
AshLee and Sean pull up to an amusement park where they will be the only two guests the whole day. SHUT UP! They get Magic Mountain all to themselves for the entire day??? This is my dream date. Actually, it turns out that they will be sharing their date with two other people, Emily & Briana, who suffer from chronic illnesses. The two met online through the Starlight Foundation and are best friends but have never met in person… until today. Seriously, this is a test? How could anyone not want to include these kids? You’d have to be completely dead inside (Courtney) to not be moved by this. It’s really sweet. I might be a little misty over here. Briana shows up first. Then Emily shows up and it’s amazing to watch them together. OK, now I’m full-on crying. Killing me. Again, you’d have to be a total asshole to not be moved on this date. After a day of roller coasters and games, they are treated to a special concert by the Eli Brown Band.
Time for the romance part of the date. You didn’t think that was it, did you? Sean can’t make out with AshLee in front of the girls. AshLee wants to tell Sean about her upbringing but doesn’t want to overwhelm him on the first date. She says she’d like to have children but also to adopt children that are older. He’d be into it. Adoption is in his heart. Of course it is. She tells him she was adopted at 6 and was abused in a foster home. She is pretty amazingly well-sorted about her situation, I have to say… even though I still think there’s “No wire hangers ever” potential in there. She says your family is what holds you together. Then she tells the story of meeting her adopted parents and their promise to say “I love you” every day. This is like the Holy Grail of family stories for Sean. He’s impressed and beaming and she gets the rose. He has the highest hopes for her and them. Boy, he’s optimistic about a lot of women. Wait, did she just say she’s falling in love with him? It was a roller coaster and that date was brought to you by the producers of the Bachelor. Deep breath, girlfriend.
Is it me or does he look like a terrible kisser? I think he needs a few more lessons from Arie. I need a few lessons from Arie. How do we make that happen?
Melissa: At last, AshLee gets her date. Unfortunately, she had to get her hair all mussed in the Jeep first. You’d think they would have given her a hair band. DAMN you Sean… why you gotta get me in the soft underbelly taking Starlight kids on your date? BASTARD. Now I have to like you. I’m effing crying over here! I love this date. I really do. I don’t know if it was Briana or Emily who said she’s never been to a concert, but the water works are full flowing right now. Seriously, stick a fork in me… I’m done. Now we’re going to talk about adoption and her abuse in foster care. Come on producers, why? My eyes are going to be so puffy by the rose ceremony that I’m not even going to be able to see anything. I kind of like AshLee. I think she’s going to be one of my front runners. Well, let’s not let her go all crazy in the next 2 weeks and I’ll see if I still like her.
Rachel: Oh boy, time for the Cocktail Party. Let the jockeying for time begin. There are a lot of girls that didn’t get air time this week so it’s going to be a busy night for Sean. He knows he has some serious work to do, but he lets them know that his heart is still wide open. He’s probably be a better kisser if his mouth was wide open too.
First up, Sarah. He has a surprise for her. He feels badly that she wasn’t on a date this week so he brings in a limo with her dog Leo in the back seat. She thought she was going home and the whining that was coming from her mouth upon seeing the limo would have made me send her home… and keep the dog in her place. That was actually really sweet of Sean.
Wait, why is Tierra up next when she already got her time? That counted, my friends. And here goes Tierra with her bitching and moaning again about the process. Send her home! He’s already over her and you can see him looking past her for the next girl. That girl is Des who just wanted to kiss him again. But the cute moment lasts about a nanosecond because Tierra thinks she deserved more time and comes back because she wasn’t done. She’s going all Kacie B on him. Then Lesley show up for some time just to piss off Tierra until Robin steals him which is interrupted by Leslie. And all this time Des is sitting and waiting for Sean to come back. This reduces her to tears because she doesn’t play this game. Uh, you’re on the show. You’re playing the game. Wow, it’s a revolving door of women.
Now it’s Kacie B’s turn to salvage whatever chances she has to stay. Holy short dress. As my friend Mareli so brilliantly put it, the dress barely covers the waterline. Ha! Kacie is having a hard time, but she apologizes. She’s really there for Sean. Just as Sean starts to say that he feels like they took a couple steps back this week, AshLee & Selma show up & steal Sean. Yipes. Looks like you stepped right back into the Friend Zone… and not even the Really Good Friend Zone. Not good.
Melissa: Hang on now, a special surprise for Sarah? Oh stop, it’s her dog! That’s so awesome of him. That’s a stinking cute dog too. I love a French Bulldog and literally laughed out loud with her dog and the squeaky ball as they were hugging. Wait, is Tierra getting pissed for getting interrupted during her time with Sean? Um, have you not watched the show? I love that the girls “hate this game”. Come on, ladies. This is how it works.
Time for the Rose Ceremony…
Have roses: Lesley, Lindsey & AshLee
Well first, we have to have a Kacie B side bar. Sean walks her outside with a rose in hand. This confuses the girls who are left behind to figure out what’s going on. Outside, Sean tells Kacie that they hit it off in NYC and he thought they might be able to move out of the friend zone. Not so much. He doesn’t feel a romantic connection to her, but he has enough respect for her to not make her sit through a rose ceremony. That’s nice of him. Not surprising that she’s getting the boot.
He puts Kacie in the limo and goes back inside to tell the girls that he owed it to Kacie to see if there was something there romantically. There isn’t, so it was the right thing to do to send her home. He feels good about his decision. Kacie, on the other hand, is leaving with regrets.
Back to the roses:
Staying: Tierra, Leslie H, Catherine, Daniella, Robin, Selma, Sarah, Jackie, Amanda, Desiree
Booted: Kacie, Kristy, Taryn
Taryn & Kristy leave, although it really looked like Taryn walked into a closet. Kristy cries, again, and says she is scared she won’t have a another chance to find love. Your chance for love? You’re 25! STFU. Come hang out here, crazy, and I’ll show you what waiting for love looks like.
Rachel: Another week of drama but another week I like Sean a little more. This is unexpected.
Melissa: Anyone else hear Bettle Middler every time there’s a Rose Ceremony or is it just me? Pretty lame even given the L-bomb in the second episode. However, you know we Bitches love the outtakes! Uncle Drunkle outtakes, now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!