One Sentence Summary: A Moroccan dinner’s belly dancing show gets overshadowed by the shit show that is the RHOBH.
Rachel: So last week we saw Brandi handle herself with dignity, for the most part, in two sticky situations. This week, it’s a confrontation by the whole group and I can’t help but wonder how this will go down. Will we see the Brandi that showed up to confront Scheana – seriously, with the spelling? – or the Brandi that showed up at the W Hotel for Mauricio’s real estate event? I’m hoping it’s the former as she’s infinitely more defendable when she’s not threatening people and yelling like a lunatic. Yes, I know. People keep attacking her, but she keeps giving them reasons to do it. If you keep your pie hole shut about other people’s business, you leave them with nothing for which to call you out. I think we can all agree that when that happens, they find someone else to go after. Let them. For real. It must be someone else’s turn by now. Camille had her time. Taylor had hers. Then was Brandi’s. Even Lisa got a little beat up last season & at the last reunion. Next up? Kyle? Anyway, all I can say to Brandi is rise above. Say it over and over to yourself. Rise above.
One Final Thing
So we are back reliving the confrontation with Brandi & Scheana. Why are we watching this again? You know how precious my time is. Anyway, Brandi leaves Scheana to contemplate what she did and sits with Lisa to review what just went down. She tells Lisa that Scheana continued to see Eddie even after she found out Brandi was pregnant with Jake. That’s low down dirty. Seriously. How can anyone continue to stay with a man who is married and finds out that their wife is pregnant? Clearly, the marriage isn’t quite that “over” if he’s still knocking her up. Anyway, I think we’ve learned the quality of character of one Scheana. She can go now. But Brandi feels better for having confronted the situation and that is what is important. I wish she knew though that crying and feeling pain doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
Mr. Bluebird On My Shoulder
Oh more Yolanda. I wonder if she’ll be riding a horse today. Or chopping up veggies from her perfect fridge. No, she’s picking fruit in her spectacular backyard. Seriously, can we either find her a real storyline or just move on? It’s redundant at this point. And I say this actually liking her for the most part. Oh, they sent Kyle to give her something to talk about. And that something is all the lemons in her backyard which are there because she was inspired by doing the Master Cleanse. In fact, she is so inspired by how she felt not eating for ten days, that she’s going to make Kyle a batch to taste. Sorry, I know a thousand people that have done it and swear it made them feel amazing. But I can promise you that ten days of drinking nothing but a lemon, honey, & cayenne pepper drink will not make me feel amazing. It will make me feel the opposite of amazing. It will make me feel like punching a hole in a wall… Preferably a wall where there is chocolate living on the other side. But hey, more power to you. I wouldn’t mind having Yolanda’s body. I’m just not willing to starve for it.
Yolanda asks Kyle how Kim is doing. She has been inviting her over to do the Master Cleanse with her in an effort to get her healthy, but she hasn’t heard back from her. Maybe because she’s too busy actually eating. Kyle says not to be offended. She does the same thing to her. But she and Kim have had a pretty tumultuous relationship their whole lives. This is nothing new. Yolanda thinks if they can get Kim on the Master Cleanse, she’ll make better choices in her life. Lady, it’s lemon, honey & pepper. Not magic. But it seems to me that we’re being set-up for some unhappy revelations about Kim’s life. You feeling it too?
Speak of the devil, Kim is home making cookies for her meeting with Gary, her life coach. Gary helps her cope, find structure and breathe. He thinks Kim is making leaps and bounds, but she needs to continue to be strong. She knows she has to let go of resentments but she’s so mad at Kyle that she doesn’t know what to do. Gary tells her that they have to have a different relationship now that she’s sober. Kyle thinks that because she’s sober, everything is okay, but Kim still feels hurt that Kyle outed her alcoholism on national TV. I get how that is going to hurt someone, but we all saw it with our own eyes. It didn’t take Sherlock Holmes to uncover that mystery. But they need to have a conversation. It’s time. I agree. I just hope that Kim is as sober as she says she is. She still sounds like she’s slurring her words. Maybe that’s just how she speaks, but I don’t know…
Lisa pays a visit to Villa Blanca to see her Executive Chef, Francis. Hello, Francis! Sorry, I loves me a chef. I loves me more a cute chef. She really does cast her restaurants well. I give her that.
While Lisa attends to business, Ken is at home, in his pink shirt natch, working on a surprise for his wife. He says she spends so much time working on the house that he wanted to do something special for her. So he’s building her a big pink swing. Could he be cuter? He’s hoping maybe a little romance will spring from this as well. Ha, love it.
When she gets home, she finds Ken & Giggy, who I’ve come to find has his own website, dressed alike and waiting for her. After some resistance, he finally gets her outside to see her pink swing hanging over a heart-shaped patch of flowers. She loves it and is full-on giggling like a school girl. I can’t help but smile.
He tells her that he wants to renew their vows this year on their 30th anniversary. How adorable is Ken? Seriously, I love their relationship. It’s the closest thing to a fairytale I’ve seen in a long time.
Kyle is off to have dinner with Marisa at a Moroccan restaurant. She is embarrassed by the behavior at her last dinner party and is hoping to get the girls together again to show another side of them to Marisa. Ha, good luck. Well, the good news is that Adrienne is in New York so there’s one bullet dodged. I’m hoping Kyle was smart enough to not invite Faye tonight. Could we be that lucky? Kyle picks up Marisa who is wearing an amazing dress that Kyle loves… a lot apparently as she is wearing a very close facsimile in her one-on-one interviews. Granted, I want to buy it now too. It is amazing, though I’m sure it’s also well out of my price range. I actually just had to hit pause and find out who makes the dress. Thanks to the website BigBlondeHair.com, I was able to find out that it’s Camilla Franks. This site is actually pretty cool and has a ton of TV fashion on it. Glad I found it! Now, where were we?
Oh yeah, Moroccan dinner… They’re eating at Dar Maghreb, an institution in LA and two doors down from where Brandi & Scheana’s favorite bar to visit with Eddie, Coach & Horses, used to be. Ah, memories. Brandi is the first to show up and share the news that Adrienne & Paul are suing her. Well, they’re at least threatening to sue her if she doesn’t sign a paper saying she won’t talk about them & their family anymore. OK, if we’re going to keep going around about this horrible thing Brandi said, we really should get to hear what it is. But we don’t. Brandi will be meeting with them Friday to hammer out a deal.
The rest of the ladies arrive and poor Kim isn’t 5 minutes in the door before Yolanda is in her grill about the Master Cleanse. Granted, our favorite pot stirrer, Kyle, was the one to bring it up. Kim thinks they never made a date. Yolanda is sure they made several. But it’s irrelevant at this point because Kim can’t do The Master Cleanse anymore. Kyle wants to know why and Kim says because. This is not good enough for Kyle, and probably why her sister isn’t interested in telling her anything, but she says her body needs food. Kim, just say you don’t want to do it. Your metabolism isn’t the issue. Come on.
Everyone sits down for dinner and Kim tells Kyle that life is too short to hold grudges and that she’s sorry for her part in their relationship being strained. Kyle apologizes too. Kim didn’t like how Kyle treated her when she was drinking. But they both miss & love each other. Lovely conversation. Awkward place and time to have it. Then again, I don’t know why it still shocks me that these women have no concept of appropriate time & place.
OK, someone needs to cut Taylor off from the drinking. She seriously shows up at every party, gets hammered and then spouts off at the mouth. This time it’s that there’s no waiter and that she needs someone to find her a date. Then we move into tears over her guilt about “cheating” on Russell if she starts dating and how much she loves & hates him at the same time. This chick is a right mess and our next candidate for rehab. How about a little less wine and a little more couscous, Taylor. And really, you’re traumatized because you have to tell your kid she can’t go on the private plane anymore? Ack, this is making me ill. But all is good because she settled her lawsuit and it’s a new life. Let’s hug.
Across the way, Yolanda, Kim, Lisa & Kyle are talking about the ridiculousness that is Adrienne & Paul hiring lawyers to intimidate Brandi. Yolanda thinks you hire lawyers when you can’t handle having a discussion. Agreed. Lisa says Brandi doesn’t even have anything for Adrienne to take. Yeah, I don’t really think this is about taking anything from Brandi other than her voice. Clearly, she can’t fight the 800-pound gorilla that is the Maloof-Nassif bottomless bank account. They’re not in it for the money. But Yolanda has another point – she’s pretty spot on when she stops being self-righteous about physical appearances – that Brandi opened her mouth and needs to be responsible for that. If she had the balls to say what she said, she should have to balls to pick up a phone and say she’s sorry she screwed up. Yep, pretty much.
Brandi overhears this and says she knows she shouldn’t have said what she said about Paul & Adrienne. She has admitted it a million times. What did you say???? Someone please tell us!!! Mauricio chimes in with the fact that it didn’t need to be said at all. Thank you, Captain Obvious. I think we already covered that point. Brandi doesn’t feel like she can apologize to Adrienne now that she’s sent over a letter from her lawyer. Mauricio thinks that’s exactly why she should apologize to Adrienne. He’s had lawyers send letters before that went away with one phone call. OK, now you’re giving us information we can work with.
Lisa wants to remind everyone that it was Adrienne that was walking around last year saying friends don’t sue friends. Ah yes, I remember it well. And so does Taylor who is incredulous at the fact that when it was her business, Adrienne had no problem with it coming out in the group. But now that it’s her business, it’s a whole different ballgame. Well, yeah. There’s that too. Taylor says her private information was much heavier than Adrienne’s and there is a dead man involved. OK, so we can take abuse off the list of things Brandi might have revealed. Sorry, I’m still trying to figure that part out. Mauricio says that the difference is that Taylor couldn’t walk away. This is when Kim thinks it would be a good idea to pop off and say that Taylor could have, in fact, walked away from her marriage. Why Kim?
And here we go… Taylor tells Kim to not go there. Yolanda thinks Taylor is being aggressive. Brandi just wants to get out of the room. Taylor tells her not to walk away. To stand up for herself. No no no, don’t listen to the drunk, angry girl! The room is on fire right now and everyone is on red alert. There’s nothing good that can come from Brandi confronting the whole room. Nothing. She’s just going to get labeled the crazy angry girl who can’t control herself again. Let Taylor wear the crown. It seems to fit her well. But they keep firing and firing and firing. Now Ken & Mauricio are going at it over why Brandi said it in the first place. Mauricio is calling her a gossip and Ken is defending her.
Where the f**k does Mauricio get off being so self-righteous? Sorry, for the f-bomb but I don’t really get this side of him and it’s not his business anyhow. It’s not anyone in the room other than Brandi’s business. But Mauricio says that since she started all of this, she owes Adrienne the call. And here comes idiot Kim again to bring up the infamous game party night at Dana’s. Oh dear lord, do we really need to go there too? These Richards girls are terrible drama creators. None of this would even be happening right now had Kim not piped off and told Adrienne & Paul in the middle of a party in the first place. Oh right, Mauricio’s party. That’s why he’s so mad. Duly noted. Kim says you don’t just throw things out that aren’t true. Which then turns into so why is it OK for Adrienne to throw out the accusation that Lisa sells stories which wasn’t true? No one stood up for her. In fact, it was rather quiet in Beverly Hills. Mauricio thinks that’s so not important or a big deal. Lisa says her integrity is a big deal. Gonna have to give that point to Lisa.
OMG, I want to bitch slap everyone in that room. Such bad behavior across the board. These people are so vile right now that my skin is actually crawling. Who behaves like this?
Oh shit, it’s getting more heated. Yep, it’s gonna blow. And blow it does… Brandi has had enough, and I don’t blame her. It’s a three-ring circus of sanctimonious, self-aggrandizing people who think their shit is the most important and everyone else’s shit is… well, shit. Look, you’ve all been through bad things. We’ve all been through bad things. That doesn’t give you the right to piss all over each other in a war to prove who’s most righteous. But all that being said, Brandi telling Mario to go f**k himself and calling him a motherf**ker isn’t really helpful either. This is why I wish Brandi would just rise above. She doesn’t handle confrontation in any way that is productive. If you’re paying attention to the room, there was nothing happening that resembled mature conversation. So, you either walk away or you say you appreciate everyone’s input (even though you don’t), but it’s your mess and you’ll handle it. Then change the conversation. You leave everyone dumbfounded with nothing to say. And that, my friends, is a win. Shutting down that insanity is winning. Contributing to it is losing. At least in my world. Then again, in my world, no one would behave this way in the first place.
Rachel: Oofah, my head is spinning and my ears are ringing. And Faye wasn’t even in the room. Wonder how that second chance to get to know the women is going for Marisa….