Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Season 3, Week 8: Unsolved Mistresses

One Sentence Summary:  Brandi suffers some new wounds while healing some old ones through a lot of tears.

When I stirred the pot, I didn't expect it to boil over.  Whoops.

When I stirred the pot, I didn’t expect it to boil over. Whoops.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:  So, I’m not sure why we had a 3 week hiatus after 7 episodes, but I honestly forgot these ladies were even around.  I mean if you want to just drop out on us in the middle of a Faye v Brandi face-off & disappear with no explanation, then I can’t be responsible for forgetting to check my DVR to see if you came back.  It’s not like I’m waiting to find out who shot JR.  I’m just waiting to see if Kyle bothers to even get up from the table to see if Brandi’s okay.  This isn’t riveting television here.  Mix that with my general level of wine intake on any given day and the odds of me remembering to check on RHOBH are slim to none.  And yet, here I am seeing two episodes on my DVR and being somewhat excited that they’re back.  I know, I make about as much sense as Kim after a visit to the bathroom.  But hey, at least I’m honest.  Shall we pick up where we left off?  Let’s do.

We’re Back

Oh Faye, you're so lucky that I'm holding my tongue right now because I could drop you before you knew what hit you.

Oh Faye, you’re so lucky that I’m holding my tongue right now because I could drop you before you even knew what hit you.

Time to revisit Hurricane Faye blowing through Kyle’s dinner party.  I still don’t understand who this bitch thinks she is.  She’s not involved in this and needs to shut the hell up.  This is just the way she gets more airtime.  She’s a fame whore and I feel badly for Brandi.  No, this doesn’t mean I’m back on her team.  I’m not that fickle.  I mean she still brings a lot of this on herself, but that was way out of line and holy inappropriate.  So, it’s more that I’m on Team Faye Sucks than I am on Team Brandi at this point.  There’s still time to woo me back, however.

Brandi, like the rest of us, has had enough of the morally corrupt Faye and leaves the party in tears.  Kyle, at Lisa’s urging, goes after Brandi to try and have her come back in.  Who would want to come back into that room?  No entree is enticing enough to have to choke it down at the same table as Faye.  Meanwhile, back inside, Faye continues her assault on all reason and goes after Lisa, who is defending Brandi.  Listen, it’s between Adrienne and Brandi.  There are others tangentially involved, but none of them are named Faye.  Kyle should be pissed… but she won’t be because I have a feeling this is a pot she stirred.

Anyway, now Lisa has walked out to try and console Brandi, but there’s nothing to say.  She is upset, rightfully so, and wants to go home.  Can’t blame her.  Lisa makes the attempt to go back in, but when Faye starts about how it’s not her fault and Kyle shouldn’t be mad, she chooses to leave.  I have to say that it amazes me that Lisa is the only one in the room that understands that friendships aren’t by committee and not everyone is going to get along just because of mutual connections.  And I’m not defending everything Lisa has done or said so put down the pitchforks and torches.  I’m just saying she’s the only one mature enough to not play pretend.  You can’t just say anything you want about someone and expect the friendship to endure just because you’re on TV together.  That’s actual reality.

Hocus Pocus 

Take this rock, that I did not steal from your front yard, and it will ward off evil... or something like that.

Take this rock, that I did not steal from your front yard, and it will ward off evil… or something like that.

Taylor has invited Alisha, a clairvoyant, who may or may not be associated loosely with Oprah, to her house.  She apparently heard about Taylor’s situation and reached out to her because she felt that she needed to bring her harmony and love.  She also felt she needed a way to get her services on national TV.  Hey, I don’t blame a sister for trying to promote her business.  Any of these Housewives want to invite a Winey Bitch for dinner, sign me up.  I’ll dodge Faye’s barbs all night if it’ll get our name out.

Alisha gives Taylor a rock that will help dispel negativity when she holds it.  Yes, holding a rock and drinking an elixir will help you avoid the $1.1MM lawsuit against you.  I’m thinking you might have better luck hiring a really good lawyer.

This woman is a nut job.  I think Taylor thinks she’s a nut job too.  She keeps jerking and bending and standing on her tip toes asking “Father” to give her answers.  Her answer for Taylor is that there will be a settlement with the courts.  That’s your amazing prediction?  Shit, I’ll bring Taylor a rock and tell her that completely inane piece of information for whatever ridiculous sum I promise this woman commands for her “services”.  Oh now we’re ringing bells, burning sage and spraying rose water all over the house.  Yep, big bag of crazy up in here.  And it seems Alisha knows what really happened to Princess Diana… because Diana told her herself.  How do we not get that information shared with us?  I bet it’s earth shattering.

So Not Namaste

This class could use a lot more STFU and a lot less squawking.

The next pose is what I like to call STFU.

Marisa & Kyle are doing yoga at Kyle’s house.  Apparently, we’re getting to know our new Housewife, Marisa, who thinks the behavior at last night’s party was high school.  Oh we’re going to get along very well, Marisa.  Kyle thinks it was more like elementary school… So says that girl who pulls everyone’s pigtails, blames it on someone else & then stands back while the screaming ensues.

OMG, these women won’t stop talking through the entire yoga class.  I’d have walked out if I were the instructor.  Just one more example of their lack of respect for anyone else but themselves.  You’re moving down a peg, Marisa.  But in the blathering, Marisa thinks Brandi is the cool girl who was nice to her, the new girl.  Taylor & Camille didn’t bother to engage her, which is rude.  You mean rude like talking while someone is trying to instruct a yoga class?  Marisa also thinks Faye was out of line because it wasn’t her battle to fight.  Exactly.  Kyle just thinks she wasn’t buying Brandi’s apology.  Who cares?  The apology wasn’t to her so it’s not hers to judge.  Asshole.  Sorry, I really can’t stand Faye.  At all.  I’d trip her if I saw her in LA.

Peace Treaty?

You didn't really just ask me to talk to Scheana, did you?

You didn’t really just ask me to talk to Scheana, did you?

Hey, look at Lisa wearing yellow!  I didn’t think she owned anything that wasn’t black, white or pink.  Her entire wardrobe is a giant Good ‘n Plenty box.  She & Brandi are out for a little retail therapy.  Brandi is over the whole Faye thing, so let’s bring up Schaena.  Lisa says that she would like to talk to Brandi and sort the whole thing out.  You know Brandi’s going to… A) because Lisa’s asking her and B) because we already saw the previews.  Personally, I’d show up, tell Shaena to go f**k herself and walk about.  Maybe throw a glass of water in her face.  Hey, if I’m going to meet Scheana, it’s because I’m a Housewife and should act accordingly.  In all reality, I think most women would love to have the opportunity to confront someone that hurt them.  On camera.  For all the world to judge.  Or is that just me?  And should anyone want to see that, I have a few options that would work.  Just sayin…

By the way, I know I keep spelling Scheana differently, but I just can’t care enough to look it up.

Ring Ring

The psychic didn't predict this.

The psychic didn’t predict this.

Are we going to be doing more hocus pocus?  No, we’re going to be talking to Taylor’s lawyer.  Apparently, Russell signed an agreement when he & his partner parted ways on which Taylor was signatory.  That means a$1.1MM has become her burden to pay, which would be doable if that $14MM trust that Russel left her wasn’t empty.  Oops.  Taylor’s lawyer says the partner has proposed that he take her 10-carat wedding ring, sell it and consider it a win.  I think you would more consider that a giant F.U.  Wow, that’s cold.  I mean it would probably put a nice dent in the balance, but ouch.  Needless to say, Taylor doesn’t so much take it well.  They also want two Hermes handbags.  Damn, these people are ruthless.  I mean an Hermes bag isn’t going to make a dent in $1.4MM.  So it’s really just to twist the knife.

Girly Girl

I’m always so surprised to see  Yolanda.  I barely remember she’s on the show.  But I do enjoy her and the vegetable refrigerator we get a glimpse of every episode.  She’s making spaghetti bolognese for dinner for her kids.  Well, she’s attempting it anyway.  I do like that she is actually raising her kids.  It’s nice to see she didn’t turn them over to nannies and maids.  Wait, did she just say volleyball is a masculine sport?  That the women are big and bulky?  Have you seen Gabrielle Reese?  Big, yes.  Bulky, no.  Yolanda would prefer her daughter Gabby focus on her career as a model and develop as a woman.  Yeah, one step forward, two steps back with Yolanda.  That’s such a ridiculously antiquated philosophy.  The fact that Gabby is more interested in sports than modeling is not of interest to mom.  The fact that she used to wear Lakers jerseys to school and looked like a lesbian is.  I’m thinking this young lady is a bit smarter than mom thinks she is and will figure it out on her own.  Here’s hoping anyway.

Girl Talk

Camille has Brandi over for some tea and sympathy.  She tells Brandi that her kids aren’t allowed to say her name in Kelsey’s house.  If that’s true, that’s horrible.  And not for Camille, but for her kids.  They shouldn’t be in the middle of their parents’ insanity.  But it seems that Kelsey is that much of an egoist so I can believe it.

Brandi is there in hopes of getting the perspective of someone who has been through what she’s been through.  She appreciates Lisa’s input, but it really comes from a place of everyone being happy, but she isn’t sure that’s in her.  This is funny considering I just spewed about how Lisa gets that not everyone has to be friends and happy.  Well, live and learn.  Maybe it’s everyone but Lisa.

Brandi tells Camille about the possibility of talking to Scheana.  Camille says if it gives her closure then she should do it.  She’d talk to Kayte if she had the chance.  She’d want to know what Kelsey told her.  See, we all have someone we’d love to confront given the chance.  They basically agree that it’s time to get the elephant out of the room so she can go to Sur.  Yes, because going to a restaurant is the reason for this.

Yolanda

Oh two scenes with Yolanda.  It’s a bonus week!  She spends time with her horses which is a more expensive endeavor than it used to be what with them needing massages and holistic vitamin packs.  {{{  eye roll  }}}  Rich people problems.

Toxin Removal

Hi, Paul.  Translation: Everything you do annoys me.  Hi, Adrienne.  Translation:  You bug the shit out of me too.

Hi, Paul. Translation: Everything you do annoys me.
Hi, Adrienne. Translation: You bug the shit out of me too.

Damn, forgot about her too.  She is going for a visit to Paul’s office to discuss a skin care line that they want to develop.  We don’t get very far into the conversation since they have to bicker about everything in the room before they can discuss business.  I’m shocked they managed to stay together as long as they did.  Do you really care if her lipstick is on your mug, Paul?  And do you need to get your equal credit when he says he’s put a lot of hard work into the line, Adrienne?  But this is a good distraction for Adrienne because she needs some time away from the girls.  Brandi is toxic and she needs space.  So, skin care products it is.

One Ring & Two Bags

Let's celebrate my freedom with a bag that's not Hermes.

Let’s celebrate my freedom with a bag that’s not Hermes.

Taylor, a friend of hers, Lisa, Ken, Kyle & Mauricio meet for dinner so Taylor can announce to them that she has settled her lawsuit.  Seems she did indeed give up her wedding ring & two Hermes bags, which she shares withe table through tears.  She says it’s a good thing, but she still owes them a little bit of money.  Kyle says it’s just material things and they can be replaced.  Lisa is proud of her and sees she’s turned a corner.  Everyone cheers and is thrilled to have a happy dinner…  almost…

Seems “Dude That Taylor Brought” has heard that Kim has been spotted frequenting the Havana Club, which it seems is a cigar bar.  Taylor is quick to defend Kim by saying that she can be at a cigar bar.  It doesn’t mean she’s drinking.  Kyle agrees with her, but says in her individual interview that she can’t believe Kim would be there while working so hard on her sobriety.  Kyle tells the table that she had invited Kim to her dinner party, but she declined because Kyle forgot about Eric’s birthday in Vegas.  Kyle says she wasn’t invited, but it’s ok.  The girls aren’t buying that she thinks it’s ok, but she insists she’s fine.  She just thought that her relationship with Kim would have changed when she found sobriety.  Not so much.  And now we’re left to wonder if she is actually sober.

Showdown

OK bitch, let's do this thing.

OK bitch, let’s do this thing.

Time for the showdown between Scheana and Brandi.  First, Lisa checks in and tells her that she doesn’t have to do this.  Scheana needs to do it so they can be in the same world without the tension.  Plus, she needs to apologize.  Yeah, she does.

Brandi walks in wearing a hot LBD, which is clearly for Scheana’s benefit.  It screams, “You may have slept with my man, but I’m still hotter than you.”  Screams it loud & clear.  Now, let’s do this thing.  Scheana starts by saying she’s sorry and then bursts into tears.  Brandi tells her not to cry.  She’s not the one who lost anything.    She’s the one that slept with a married man and then sold her story.  Nice.  Yeah, I don’t think anyone is buying Scheana’s sob story.  I just don’t get how you can, in this day & age, say you didn’t know a famous man was married.  All it takes is a Google Search on the smart phone I have no doubt you’re constantly connected to.  Oh snap, I didn’t know she sold her story to the press as the woman scorned by Eddie & Leanne.  That’s dirty.  And to defend it by saying that he took her on trips and bought her diamond earrings is making me want to vomit.  You slept with a married man.  You made that choice and that makes you the mistress.  Period.  And is she really going on by saying this guy made her fall for him and then she found out he had a wife & kids?  STFU.  It’s not like he was some guy from Topeka on a business trip, which might actually take two Google searches to get the skinny on.  He is a famous-ish actor.  IMDB.  Done.  I love that Brandi is just not hearing it.  And can we please discuss that Scheana just said that he took her to Coach & Horses, as if that proves he loved her.  I used to love that place, but it’s a dive bar.  It’s not like he was taking her to the Ritz.

Gawd, this girl is an idiot.  Why are you defending yourself?  Just apologize and move on.  And to add salt to the wound, one of the people that Brandi thought was her friend knew about the affair but lied to her face.  That sucks.  That’s a new cut to an old wound.  But Brandi sums it up correctly.  Scheana didn’t “steal” her man.  You can’t take someone’s man unless they’re willing to be taken.  Brandi, you should handle yourself like this all the time.  This is class.  This is how you confront an enemy.  And with that she accepts Scheana’s apology and leaves like a lady.  Bravo, Brandi.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Oh my love affair with Brandi is such a roller coaster.  I know she is a good person who has had bad things happen to her.  But I have such a low tolerance for people who can’t control their tempers and their mouths then don’t understand why they’re in hot water.  Maybe this is the first step to a kinder, gentler Brandi.  Now, can we talk about Kim and the cigar bar?

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