One Sentence Summary – In the race for Reza’s affections, the lead changes hands a few times with an unexpected victor winning Cabo.
Rachel: Sweet Fancy Moses, I have completely gone MIA on my Shahs of Sunset! How did this happen? How did I go completely off the rails with my new BFF, Reza? This is terrible. Terrible. I’m so sorry my peeps. Between the holidays and launching a new company and business trips and lots of wine, I apparently missed the fall, rise and fall again of MJ. But I’m back to catch up and make up with my favorite LA Persians. I have hunkered down with a bottle of Pinot Noir and caught all the drama that was the last few weeks of the show. I will sum it up like this: GG is crazy. Real life crazy not reality TV crazy. That conversation with Mike & her was bananas. I hit Asa… No I never said I hit Asa… Asa hit me… No, I never said Asa hit me. I was waiting for her head to spin around and her eyes to roll back in her head. But at least everyone is keeping their distance, which for a reality show, is an anomaly. Speaking of Asa, I like her with Jermaine Jackson, Jr. Triple P with Triple J. It works. However, I do think Asa is getting a bit of big head. First, not showing up for the lunch where GG was going to apologize and then demanding she not be invited to Cabo because she hasn’t apologized was shady. Granted, it may be too little, too late, but give the girl a shot 3P. And that dinner last week in Cabo was insane. I’m not saying she was wrong, but I’m saying she could have diffused the situation instead of throwing gasoline on it and then lighting a match. And is Sammy just back to defend MJ? It seems that’s his only purpose. Well, and to sweat. Too bad MJ had finally worked her way back into the good graces of the group and then had a meltdown and worked her way right back out. Now, let’s see if that pill popping accusation is real. Would ‘splain a lot because you can’t really be that mad that a new person is hanging out with you. Can you?
And we’re back to the Cabo dinner and MJ’s alleged pill popping. It is a rather large accusation so you’d better have proof. And sorry Lily, Ambien to sleep on a plane doesn’t count. If it does, I should check into rehab now. I took one on the way to Paris so I could sleep and the craziest thing I did was say “squares” upon waking up. Still can’t quite figure it out, but maybe there’s a class in rehab for that. But in the meantime, MJ has no time for Asa and her indecent accusations.
After dinner, Asa, Lily & Reza make human soup for dessert in the hotel hot tub. Asa feels badly for bringing up MJ’s pill popping, but she thinks it’s a real problem. It seems this isn’t just about the Ambien. Whew. I don’t have to pack my bags. Wait, apparently I slept through class the day we learned Mexican geography. Cabo is only two hours from LA? Damn, I just assumed it was over here on the east coast and that’s why an Ambien was in order. Who takes an Ambien for a 2-hour flight? Beyond that, who can function on Ambien after a two-hour flight? I’d need a drool cup and a diaper because there’d be no part of me that could manage bodily functions if I had to be walking around on a sleeping pill. MJ, on the other hand, thought it would be fun. Alrighty then… seems we might need to have a little talk with Mercedes. Reza thinks they might be jumping the gun on this and maybe she was just nervous for the flight. Uh, then have a glass of wine. Reza doesn’t want to come down on her for partying. How is taking an Ambien partying? I missed that memo.
To prove that she doesn’t have a substance abuse problem, MJ goes clubbing with Sammy where she drinks herself into a stupor. She does take time out from partying to send GG a text letting her know that Asa is dead to her now so they can be friends. Oh yay! GG has a friend again.
It’s the day of GG’s party for her line of extensions and she feels totally alone on this. She had to book the venue, the food, the alcohol, everything all by herself. Wow, how did she survive? I mean people don’t do that every day… oh wait. But it is nice to see her doing something other than be mean to people… oh wait. She just left a message for someone about the guest list and ended it by saying she’ll come after them if they don’t call her back. I’m sure she was just joking since it’s not in her nature to attack people… oh wait.
Seriously, I need my own reality show simply to be able to stay in amazing places like these people do. I mean Asa says she can’t afford rent, but here she is staying at a magnificent resort in Cabo (which is only a 2-hour flight from LA) and living the life. Sign me up. I’ll even join a show. Don’t care which show. Well, maybe I care a little. Meh, if there’s wine, I’m good with whatever.
Anywho, after we discuss Mike’s landscaped pubes, we move on to Sammy recapping his night with MJ. She apparently went to bed around 8:15 that morning, but makes it to breakfast even though no one deserves her presence. So stay in bed. But Asa gets a tip of the hat for apologizing to MJ for calling her a junkie. MJ responds by saying she doesn’t like being sucker punched with baseless bullshit but accepts the apology & hugs it out with Asa. They agree to have a roundtable discussion as a “family” whenever there is an issue and all is well… minus that little matter of a drunken text to GG. What to do now? Hey GG, remember when I said Asa is “dead to me?” Yeah, it was more like momentarily unconscious to me. Sorry for the mix-up. You may continue to be alone.
GG shows up to the venue 2 hours before the party and nothing is done. Her assistant hasn’t shown up yet and she has to go to hair & make-up. So what does she do? She picks up the phone and screams at her mother. Well, cause that makes sense and is helpful to no one.
Finally, the team shows up about an hour before the party. They tell her not to worry so she can go get her hair did. While she chokes down some champagne and gets pretty, Omid stops by to give her a gift. And that gift: jewelry. Man, I have been doing this dating thing all wrong. Seems things are getting cozy between them, which is news to no one since we all know they’re engaged. But even feeling how I feel about GG, it’s cute.
Time for the party and there are only about 20 people in the room. One is actually playing with a Rubik’s Cube. Who brings their Cube to a party? More to the point, who still has a cube in the first place? Did she bring her Simon with her too? Merlin? Oh, I used to love me some Merlin. That game was way before its time. Wait, what are we talking about? Oh yeah, extensions.
The party gets under way and… Hold the phone, they’re charging for drinks at their launch party? Really? A cash bar? Come on now. And why is no one stopping at the step & repeat? Oh there they go. Lelia, GG’s sister finally shows up, and not surprisingly, finds fault with pretty much everything in the room. But hey, Jenna Jameson is there so GG must have done something right. Right? Whoa, push out, camera man! Push out! What did she do to her face? Lord, that was scary. She used to be so pretty.
Also at the party is GG’s ex-boyfriend, Alex, and she immediately starts flirting with him in front of Omid, who is less than pleased with the antics. GG says it’s good to have a man see another man be interested in you. True. A little jealousy never hurt anyone. But there are lines, GG, and telling your ex you have a private room while your current boyfriend is watching would be that line. Actually would be across that line. But Omid mans up and makes nice with Alex. Keep your enemies closer, eh Omid? This falls nicely into GG’s plan. Well girl, you are the one with the ring on her finger. So, I guess I shouldn’t talk like I’m the player. Clearly, I am not. As you were.
The night ends and GG thinks it was a great succes. Leila shockingly agrees and gives GG credit for a great party. Wow, and a hug between the two. It’s a fake hair miracle! That is nice to see though.
Wow, Asa is just walking around Cabo with a thong bikini on and makes no apology for it. On one hand, I say bravo! A woman with curves owning it is awesome always. On the other hand, there are children on the street. Throw a cover-up on until you hit open water. Yes, open water. They are yachting today which is Lily’s favorite past time. Seems she’s yachted all over the world. And when she’s yachting she likes herself a virgin daiquiri. This displeases Mike who doesn’t like uptight bitches. Damn, you should be happy someone isn’t sloppily losing their shit all over the place. And not drinking doesn’t make a person uptight. There are a lot of uptight drunks in this world. Exhibit A: GG. By the way, Lily’s body is insane. I admit it. And I am straight jealous. And I give all the ladies credit for actually getting in the water AND getting their hair wet. Take notice, Housewives. Take notice.
OK, I am now taking back my compliments on Lily’s body as I’m sitting here listening to her discuss her pending cellulite and loose skin now that she’s… wait for it… almost 30. I would have tossed her off the boat if I were next to her. She says Asa should join her at the skin-tightening laser center. Asa looks at her like she sprouted a second head. Triple P is good with what she’s rocking. Go girl. And Lily, spend that money on therapy. You clearly have some self-esteem issues.
Everyone survives the boat ride and is ready to rock it out. First, a little coffee and Red Bull to rejuvenate back in the room. Reza is feeling the love again and wants to invite everyone to Rosh Hashanah with his father in New York. That’s pretty awesome. Everyone’s in. Wait Mike, aren’t your parents going to be mad? It’s one of the three big holidays for us Jews! I guess it’s not technically my business… though I make everything my business. Clearly.
Time to get the party started… after Lily complains about the club being too dirty and the flaming shots being too close to her plastic parts. Yeah, maybe you do need to relax a bit, darling. If you don’t want your Dolce & Gabbana dress to get ruined, don’t wear it to a night club in Cabo. Ditto for your Hermes bag. Hello. Granted, I’m about as interested in clubbing at this point in my life as I am having a hot poker shoved in my eye. Then again, I’m of a certain age… which is not 29. She should still be having fun if you’re not yet 30. You have a limited amount of energy. Enjoy it.
Post-club, the kids are back at the room, and while MJ sneaks a ciggy, Reza sneaks her purse. Aw no, you don’t touch a woman’s bag. That’s sacrilege right there. Mike agrees with me. That doesn’t stop Reza, who outs MJ for being forty by sharing her driver’s license. Hey, she’s got a lot of energy for forty. See above paragraph. But her age isn’t the most intriguing item in the purse. There is a pill bottle in there with various shapes, sizes and colors of meds that grabs everyone’s attention. When she returns, Reza confronts her about what he found. She laughs and then says they’re Pablo’s pills. Yes, Pablo the dog. Now, we’re supposed to believe you not only packed your dog’s meds, but brought them out with you in your evening bag? Suuuure. This leads to a serious talk about her issues… No sorry, it leads to Reza and MJ wrestling and chasing each other all over the hotel. How fun for all the guests. Normally, I just shake my head and go about my business when this nonsense goes on, but Reza shook and sprayed a bottle of Veuve Clicquot all over MJ. No one wastes good champers on my watch. No one. That’s a worse sacrilege than going through a woman’s purse.
Holy breakfast spread! Again, I need to work me some of this treatment. Amazing.
Sidebar: How do Lily’s breasts not bust through those tiny tank tops she wears? It’s like holding up boulders with thread. Dangerous.
Back to breakfast… MJ shows up and Reza realizes, in his one-on-one interview, that even if MJ is wild & crazy, it’s better to be a red hot mess than fake (or baked?) total perfect. My how the pendulum swings. And the winner of Reza’s love this week: MJ.
Rachel: Well, an entire episode just went by and I didn’t want to claw GG’s eyes out. Not sure how I feel about this. Well, from the previews, it looks like I won’t have to wait long for that feeling to come back.