One Sentence Summary: It’s week 2, so someone must already be in love.
Rachel: Oh my darlings, you know how I rarely like to admit to any wrongdoing… and when I’m forced to, it’s usually under the guise of having had too much wine. Tonight I’m coming to you with glass of wine in hand, but still sober enough to feel the pain that comes with the admission I’m about to make. Sigh… I think I might have been wrong about Sean. Now, before your tongues start wagging with a lot of “I told you sos”, let me ‘splain myself. I still am not in the camp of thinking he’s hot. Let’s not get crazy. But I’m starting to think he might not be as much of a jerk as I had originally thought. He seems much more down to earth this season. Granted, it’s week 2 and he hasn’t made human soup with various and sundry women in the hot tub yet. So, I am reserving the right to change my mind back should Mr. Perfect return. That being said, I can’t wait to see what these bananas have in store for us this week.
Melissa: Oh boy friends, the craziness is just getting started. I can feel it in my bones. Of course, that might just be withdrawals from not enough wine today. But you know these ladies are hook, line and sinker “falling in love” with Sean already. Have we set the over / under on the first L-bomb? My money is on Week 4?
Fogging Up Mirrors
Rachel: Well, I can see what we’re in for every week for the first 5 minutes of the show. Sean in the shower. Sean in the gym. Sean picking melons shirtless. Sean helping old ladies across the street shirtless. Yes, the obligatory ab shots are here and we probably should get used to it. Damn you, 50 Shades of Grey for getting women all over America hot & bothered and clamoring for half naked men in steamy showers. I do think we might have to make a drinking game out of this.
Melissa: Seriously, I mean you all know I loves me a half nekkid man, but really do I need to be in the shower with Sean? How awkward is that planning session? “Yeah Sean (ala Bill Lumbergh), we’re going to need you to strip down and get into the shower and pretend to have deep musings rolling through your head.” Can we leave a little to the imagination please?
And I’m Freeee, Free Fallin’
Rachel: The games are officially beginning as Chris Harrison drops off the first coveted date card. Who will get the first date and set the tone for this season? Sarah gets the first one-on-one. Yay! I like Sarah. How many girls are thinking it’s because she has one arm? That would be all of them. I hope no one is asshole enough to say it out loud, but it’s definitely rolling through their vacant heads. I’d say brains, but you know…
In comes Sean in a helicopter to pick Sarah up and leave the other women in her dust, literally and figuratively. Sarah thinks she’s in a fairy tale. Uh, it’s been five minutes and you’re flying over LA, not Greece. Walk it down a notch there lady. Sean’s feeling pretty good about Sarah right out of the gate as well and says she doesn’t have to explain her arm because she’s gorgeous. So if she were a dog, she’d have to really work double time to make that work for her? Well, thank God for small miracles.
Sean and Sarah land on the top of a building and Sean tells her there is champagne waiting… 300 feet below them. They’re going to have to free fall to the street below to enjoy it. Now, I like me some champers more than the average bear, but I’m not sure I love it 300 ft down. Actually, I know for certain that I don’t like it enough to throw myself off a building. But you know, this isn’t about champagne (which is their first mistake). This is about proving that Sarah trusts Sean enough. Yes, if you want to show someone you trust them, let them almost kill you. Look, I know we’re playing by reality TV rules here, but I’m pretty sure that just because some producer vetted Sean that doesn’t make him trustworthy enough to face death on date 1.
But this is the Bachelor so off they go, hurtling toward the earth all in the name of love. Imagine if you’re sitting at your desk at work and that shit goes flying past your window. Needless to say, they survive and are greeted by a bottle of champagne that had better be French and come with a side of caviar and fromage. Did she really just say that she’s no longer scared of anything because of this experience? I’m gonna assume your adrenaline is pumping so hard right now that you don’t know what you’re saying, because you know what, I’ve jumped out of an airplane and shit still scares me.
Melissa: Now, Chris gets to earn his paycheck by building the ladies up to thinking Sean’s wife is in this motley mix.
Sarah gets the first date and the claws will soon follow. Ah yes, the obligatory helicopter pick-up!! Oh the wings of Love… Up and above the clouds… No, I can’t help myself folks, my partner has brainwashed me!! So there those crazy kids go while all the ladies shield their eyes from the wind… And hide their tears. You know someone is going to be crying soon because she wasn’t picked.
OK, so I completely ignored Sarah’s deep thoughts because I was trying to figure out how I can ask abc for a drink ticker on the page. That way you know who to watch out for at the cocktail hour. Yes, completely random… I can’t control the tilt-a-whirl that is my thought process. Here’s the thing, why must they always be on a roof top hurtling to their death? My response would be “HELL NO!!” Don’t get me wrong, depending on the bottle of bubbly I might be willing to jump down a stair or two, but I’m thinking I’d skip the free-fall and hail a cab to a local watering hole. It saves me from the embarrassing moment of landing covered in my own vomit… After I tinkled my pants of course. Again, I don’t know what this jumping from a perfectly safe roof has to do with “finding love” – kids today. At least she got her bubbly at the bottom.
Rachel: Time for the evening part of the date and more drinking. Have they eaten today? Or are we still playing by Emily rules? At least she pretended to let her men eat. Granted, Sarah hasn’t stopped talking long enough to chew food anyhow. She tells Sean that being able to free fall today was a huge accomplishment for her emotionally and physically. When she was younger, she tried to go zip-lining with her dad but was denied by the park because she was a safety risk. OK, that’s a bummer of a story. I’ll give her that, though I have a feeling we’ll be in for a lot of these stories. But again, I’ll give her this one before I go all snarky and eye rolly. Oh my, I think she may say “like” as much as Jef did. And she talks like a Kardashian. Everything sounds like a question; another pox on young women that the Kardashians have gifted us. But she gets the rose, so all is good. Well, all but that kiss. That looks so awkward and not hot. But I’ve been watching Gossip Girl on Netflix all week, so I may be tainted from all the smoking hot romps on that show. Those kids love to rip off really expensive clothes and have sex everywhere but in a bed. But we’re not here to discuss Blair & Serena.
Melissa: OK, so she didn’t get to ride the zip line so she needs a strong man to handle things for her? Are you kidding me? For real, did a parent actually tell their daughter that? I’m so anti right now. Who tells their daughter she better find a man to take care of her? Well, at least Sean is strong and she got her rose, AND we have our first L-bomb! Holy crap, how badly does that throw off the Vegas odds??
Rachel: Another date card arrives and the girls are hoping they’re NOT on this one as it’s a group date. And the losers are: Kristy, Amanda, Brooke, Lesley, Daniella, Catherine, Robin, Katie, Selma, Diana, Taryn, Tierra & Kacie B. Kristy says she has to dress “rocket” for this date. WTF does that mean? Oh I have to fix Yoga Katie’s hair. It’s killing me and I just want to chase her down with my flat iron.
But before I can tame the tresses, the ladies are whisked off to a mansion where they will each take part in a Harlequin Romance photo shoot with Sean. The winner will be featured with him on three book covers. Are they really going all Fabio on us? Sean should have to wear a Fabio wig. That would be awesome. Someone just called Kristy out for having extensions! Oh no! Call the fashion police! I thought extensions were just assumed at this point. OK, I’m not sure why they’re hating on Tierra so much. There are way more annoying girls there.
The photos start and Miss Lesley is far from conservative Washington today. She plays the part of a sexy cowgirl and ropes herself a kiss from her cowboy. There are some vampire scenes and Romeo & Juliet on the balcony. Sean & Tierra look like they’re going to the prom but she also manages to steal a little lip from our leading man. Then there’s Kristy and she takes the idea of “romance” to a new level. Uh, Kristy… it’s not porn, though she’s a great candidate to co-star with Sean on Skinemax. And the model takes it. She gets the cover deal, but will she get the date rose?
Melissa: Here’s what I can’t stand… since you were asking… All these women want a man to save them? WTF is up with that? OK, maybe not all, but I’ve heard that comment twice in less than a half an hour. Girl, save yourself. Plus, do we need to do it Harlequin style? Has anyone actually read a Harlequin Romance? I mean I realize there are lots of folks who do because they’ve been around for years, but who are you? Maybe I need to look one up & give it a try. I love the cattiness that comes out on the group dates. That being said, I’m with the ladies who can’t stand Tierra as neither can I the more she talks. So Lesley makes an impression on Sean because she’s half naked? Is that it Sean? Tierra needs to take it down a notch. No sorry, Kristy needs to take it down a notch. Oh I’m mistaken, she kicked it up enough to score a book deal.
Rachel: Time for the after-party where the ladies get to jockey for Sean’s attention. I seriously don’t know how they do it. I think I’m too lazy to fight for attention. I can barely muster the energy to reply to emails on the dating site I am reluctantly on. But that sad story is for another day… I feel like Kacie B might be going home tonight if she doesn’t step it up. She’s just lurking around the background. Get in the game, woman. You’re now a professional bachelorette. Start acting like one. I love that her “profession” when they throw up her stats is “Ben’s Season”.
But it’s Lesley that gets the first one-on-one time. Uh, can someone turn on a light? Why are we watching them sit in the dark? Ok, when Lesley says to Sean that it’s embarrassing that she’s here for love, she’s partially right. It’s just embarrassing that you’re there in general. Lesley wants to kiss Sean and Sean wants to kiss Lesley but he isn’t getting the vibe from her. Oh this is so awkward… did she just say she’s having a “grand time?” Wow, no game. No game at all. Is she the Doug of the show? But after she lets Sean leave her lip gloss in pristine condition, she decides she does not want to be Doug so she goes back in for the kiss. And gets it.
Kacie finally gets herself in the game with some alone time with Sean. She says they hung out a bit when they were doing some public appearances together. Word on the street says they dated but it didn’t go anywhere. But Sean says he totally missed the signals Kacie was throwing his way. Kacie thinks it’s because he’s a such a gentleman that he misses when a woman is interested. Yeah, that must be it. He keeps saying that he’s excited that she’s here but that’s about all he says. Oh sorry, he also says she’s in the friend zone, but she has potential to move out. Interesting. I think it’s easier for girls to move out of the friend zone with guys than visa versa, but either way it ain’t easy once you get stuck there.
The other women queue up for some Sean time and Catherine tells him that she’s vegan but she loves the beef. Is that a euphemism? I’m sure Sean loves that she loves “the beef.” Seriously, this episode is bordering on soft-core. Oh this Selma works my nerves. She can go. Back at the group, Tierra is moping. And starving. And one of those high-maintenance girls that I don’t understand how men find attractive. You know the kind that start pouting and whining the moment they don’t get their way. But here Sean is trying to cheer her up. How do these men not yet understand that if you are having to placate a girl from day 1 it means she’s probably pissing off the entire house?
Seems our resident yogi, Katie, isn’t feeling the competitive spirit. She thought when they said there would be doggy style it was of the downward facing nature. Now that she knows better, she tells Sean this isn’t for her & is going to go home. Note that he didn’t even try and make her stay.
It’s time for the date rose and Sean surprises everyone when Kacie gets it. I guess she’s officially out of the friend zone. Well, maybe almost out. When he slips her some tongue, she’ll be officially out. Maybe.
Melissa: Smart girl Lesley, get in there and get your first post-shoot kiss before he needs to hit the Listerine bottle. Poor, Kacie B. was put in the friend zone! So how many times will they let old contestants come back to the show? I’m thinking if there was a spark before neither would be here right now. Part of me thinks he’s just being nice but really doesn’t want her there because he wasn’t feeling it the first time around. I mean go ahead and go through the motions, but let’s be honest, there’s a reason they didn’t hook up before this.
Catherine… Did I miss her in the first episode? Really Tierra is there for him because of seeing him on Emily’s season? I hate to put my Captain Obvious cape on, but didn’t she find out who it was when she was in her casting call? So technically she went there looking for a man before she knew it was Sean. Right? So, I can legally call shenanigans here.
Poor Katie is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to compete. Um really, have you never watched a single episode of this show? What did you think it was going to be like, playing with puppies? I love when the ladies share their deep thoughts of how it’s really important to be there for the right reason and open to love. What BS! So Kacie B gets to gloat with her rose and Tierra gets wallow in her bitterness. Well played.
Rachel: Time for date card 3 and it’s a one-on-one for Desiree. I think I might like her. At least, I don’t hate her yet. Same thing on this show. Tonight, Sean is taking her to the Bachelor art gallery. I think you already know you’re heading for a joke the moment you hear “Bachelor” and “art” in the same sentence. But we’ll play along as he is told that Desi is going to be left alone with a priceless piece of art that is going to fall over & break. When this happens, we’ll all be able to see what kind of character she has. Oh how I love that they test these women for moral righteousness on a show where they make women compete with each other for a man’s affection. But we’re playing along so here we go… Honestly, I think I’d pee myself if I broke a priceless piece of art. I almost took out a piece of art at the Pompidou in Paris & near died. It’s a horrifying feeling. Thankfully my embarrassment was limited to a scream that sounded a lot like Albert from The Birdcage.
Sean is called away by a “producer” and leaves Desiree alone with the priceless art. Sean & Chris watch from backstage & I half expected to see Chris in an Ashton Kutcher trucker hat. Desi, you’ve been Punk’d! I do like that Sean feels badly for doing this to her. And down goes the tacky piece of art they were trying to pretend cost over $1MM. Girl, hold your shit together. And she does. Actually, she seems to know something’s going on because she’s a little too calm. If you really think you broke art, you immediately go into panic mode. At least, I would. But she doesn’t get angry or start crying so she passes the character test and can now have dinner. So she gets fed because she took it so well? Well, if that’s what it takes to eat on this show, then so be it.
Off they go back to his pad for some steak and veggies. No part of him made that food. Didn’t happen. She tells Sean how amazing her family is and how much she loves them. Big gold star for her. This girl has all the right answers. So what’s the crazy here? All girls have their crazy. Trying to figure out hers.
And we have our first hot tub scene of the season. Wow, only took a week. Making quick work of it, Sean. OK what’s with the gurgling & burping hot tub? Come on, producers. Get on the ball. Sean wants to know if she wants to know a secret. I really thought he just asked her if she wants a cigarette. Hey, that gurgling is loud. Anyway, they both can’t believe how comfortable they are together so quickly which leads to a rose and some make-out time in the pool. Yeah, her star is rising in my world… and Sean’s.
Melissa: Desiree gets the third date and is giddy with excitement. That’s right, Sean’s a prankster. I loved the prank on Ems! I think that’s when things turned and I started to like Sean. Poor Desiree is going to shit herself though. Why does she look like she’s about to crack up after it falls on the floor? Who doesn’t start crying in that situation? OK, anyone else feel like she was completely on to that whole thing? Clearly she’s not going to win any acting awards any time soon. Um, so where did that steak come from? Anyone? Anyone? I mean not that either of them will eat it, so I guess it could just be photo shoot prop food that has been sitting in the kitchen. And where did the bikini come from? Do the ladies just toss one in their purse or do they just send it over to the house?
Rachel: Time for the pre-rose cocktail party. Sean says he’s already ready to send two women home. Does that mean he’s going to go rogue again and not wait until the rose ceremony? No, it’s seems he’s going to play by the rules this week and starts with Lindsay. Oh Lindsay, the wedding dress was a better choice than that horridness you’re wearing. Yipes. Her shiny face matches his. But all is forgiven as soon as she starts mooning over her amazing family. So pretty much any girl that has a solid family is in. “My parents are still married” is Sean’s aphrodisiac. He does seem earnest though. Dammit Sean, why are you making me like you??? Meanwhile, I kinda want Lindsay to last so we can meet the army general daddy and see what he has to say about this. He might prove scarier than Kacie B’s parents.
Back in the house, Amanda seems to have forgotten to take her meds today. She’s on the couch and not interested in talking to anyone in the house… even when asked a direct question. Doesn’t even pretend to hear them. I’m skerred of her. What’s that all about?
But we’ll have to find out another time because it’s time to talk race with the white boy. This should be fun. Let me get some more wine. Robyn asks him the question we’re all asking ourselves… well, at least that I’m asking. Is Sean really open to dating women of other races & ethnicities? Seems both Robyn & I assumed that Sean went for white girls that are blonde. I mean have you seen his family? But I will have to eat crow tonight (which is not that bad when washed down with wine), because not only is Sean open, his last girlfriend was African American. OK, this dude is blowing my mind right now. I had no idea he had this much depth. Who was the guy that showed up on Emily’s season? I like this guy so much better. I give him a tip of the hat. And he when he tells Selma that he speaks Farsi I almost pass out right in my wine. He was only joking which saves both my night and my wine.
And we’re back to scary Amanda who has transformed into sweet giggly Amanda now that Sean has shown up. That is seriously frightening. It’s like someone turned on her power pack and she came to life. Why don’t girls get that part of life is getting along with other people, including other women? I get that you’re not there to be their friends, but do you have to be there to be an asshole?
Melissa: So for the pre-rose cocktail party, what do you think he drinks? Clearly he’s keeping his wits so there can’t be any chug-a-lug happening on his end. But is it staged to look like a drink? Sorry, totally went on a tangent there and missed half of Lindsey The Bride’s conversation. What’s with the sour puss there, Amanda? We know you aren’t really there to make friends, but geez, would it kill you to crack a smile? OK, Sean is kinda winning me over with not having a type and being more open to a person’s personality than what they look like. Not that any of the women there are actually unattractive physically.
The three lovely ladies already holding roses: Sarah, Kacie B & Desiree
The rose call: AshLee, Lindsey, Robyn, Jackie, Lesley M, Selma, Catherine, Kristy, Leslie H, Tierra, Taryn, Daniella, Amanda
Already gone: Yoga Katie
Going home: Brooke & Diana
Rachel: Amanda stays and the rest of the women sleep with one eye open.
Melissa: Anyone else hear Bettle Middler every time there’s a Rose Ceremony or is it just me? Pretty lame even given the L-bomb in the second episode. However, you know we Bitches love the outtakes! Uncle Drunkle outtakes, now THAT’S what I’m talking about!!