One Sentence Summary: A bit of Booty trouble for the Housewives this week.
Rachel: So sorry for abandoning you all last week… Mostly sorry for abandoning my partner and letting her deal with the Atlanta crazies on her own. Duty called and that duty was working in NYC. I was really hoping to stalk some Housewives and Gallery Girls while I was there, but I barely had time to eat. OK, that’s not true. Everyone knows that I always find time to eat. So, there was no time for anything other than working & eating… and there was wine. I’m gonna stop now. But I’m back this week just in time for Donkey Booty delirium. This should be interesting… and full of Kenya & Phaedra showing off their assets. Great.
Melissa: Sadly I nave no idea what tonight is about. It’s been a complete blur since I last hung out with these ladies. I do remember Kenya’s fishing expedition and her walking off in a huff, but I got nothing tonight. Maybe that means I need to just top off my glass and enjoy spending time with my favorite Housewives.
Moving On Up
Melissa’s What Happened: Yes, NeNe is out in LA making her way in the world today. A quick call back home to talk to Cynthia about what’s happening back home results in NeNe not knowing how to work her cell phone in LA. Really NeNe, you need to ask Gregg about who to call to get the phones worked out. Meanwhile Kenya was nice enough to send some things from her storage unit over to NeNe to help furnish her rental property. Though that is the most random selection of furnishings I’ve seen since Kim’s parking lot tag sale. So she’s excited that she has several celebrity neighbors like Larry Flint and Mel Gibson. Um, OK. I’ll say though her house is awesome, and I love that pool. NeNe’s realtor Dee stops by with a bottle for the house and NeNe tells her she needs everything down to the knives and forks. Girl, you need to get yourself to Target and settle yourself in. NeNe tells her realtor if she knows she’s going to be there for a while she’ll fully settle in and start to decorate. Apparently it’s news to her realtor who I think saw dollar signs hoping for a sale and not just a rental.
Rachel: Oh look at NeNe rocking her fabulous house in LA! And learning about the shitty cell reception that is the Hollywood Hills. Yeah, time to invest in a land line. Oh dear Lord, what has Kenya sent over? Those statues are terrible. I always wondered who bought that stuff. I say put it all back on the truck and go rent some furniture. That house really is amazing. Have I said that yet? I’m glad she’s being smart and renting instead of trying to pull that crazy shit she was doing last year when she was playing like she was buying a multi-million dollar house in Miami with the pool on the roof. See, actual fame aneurysm recovery.
Pool House Hunting
Melissa’s What Happened: Aw, Riley wants to make a birthday cake for Todd since she won’t be there for his party. See, that’s a cute kid! Kandi’s surprise is a helicopter ride to his surprise party. While working on the cake Riley tells Kandi she wants to move into the guest house when she gets older because the rooms are bigger. Like a good mom, Kandi reminds her that her room is already bigger than most adult’s rooms, and that when people start moving to expensive neighborhoods the kids start to lose touch and she’s not going to let Riley get out of touch. Thank you for that Kandi, mostly because we know that conversation never happened with Kim and her girls.
Rachel: I love that Riley’s already trying to work her way into the guest house. And good on Kandi for looking at her like she sprouted a second head and teaching her kid the value of a dollar. BTW, that guest house is bigger than most people’s main houses. And by main, I mean only.
Kicked To The Curb
Melissa’s What Happened: Che and Aunt Lori stop by to visit Kenya for some family time and so Kenya can remind us she had a bad childhood. I have to say if my cousin was a chef I wouldn’t try to make anything thing more than a bowl of cereal. Kenya tells the ladies about her issues with Walter and that she doesn’t feel like he’s interested and decided she didn’t want to be with him any more. Che thinks Walter is gay because he’s not interested in Kenya when there are so many men who would love to be with her. Hang on, what’s this? Seems back in the day Walter tried to talk to Che out one night in ATL. Oh, that’s so going to make Kenya’s blood boil like a hot spring. HA, Auntie hits it on the head that a man lied to Kenya, and is shocked. Also, she’s curious to know if Kenya is ready to get back on the horse because she knows there are a lot of people in Atlanta who’d like to ride her. Day-um Auntie!!
Rachel: What is with this family and their multi-colored hair? Ombre is one thing. This is just random color spackled on to their heads. And the true feelings about Walter come out from the family. I guess if you believed that this was a real relationship, you could think Walter is gay. However, it’s less that he’s not interested in women than he is not interested in Kenya. Though you do have to wonder about a man that isn’t trying to come to bed with a woman who’s pretty much offering up some free sex…. OK, so it’s not exactly free but a naked woman in your bed is a naked woman in your bed. You have to be really unattractive to a man for him to not come to bed. Guess not everyone is taken in by the twirl. Oh damn, Walter tried to get with her cousin AND Kandi??? The insults just keep on coming. Is your aunt really criticizing you? Or is she just giving you shit? Different things. Yes, it is.
Melissa’s What Happened: At core fitness Kenya stops by to work with Phaedra and Apollo to work on the Donkey Booty video. Poor Apollo trying to work and accomplish something up against Phaedra trying to steal the show. That being said I’m going to have to try that fonky donkey move. Lor knows my booty can use all the help it can get. I’m just going to randomly have to try that… Like when I’m walking to a meeting in the office. OK, maybe not. Kenya shows them the offer they have for the video and wants to get their thoughts on it. Hold up, did she say it’s going to be 100K for production? Well, then again Phaedra did say money wasn’t an object. Phaedra wants to pull in Cynthia’s ladies for the video. She’s looking for an array of ladies… flat hineys, tuuti-fruities and juicy booties. I can only imagine what that casting call is going to be like.
Rachel: How long does it take to make a damn work-out tape? Do they even have a work-out yet? No, but they have two moves; squats and The Funky Donkey… OK, I might actually hurt myself doing that, but it sure looks like a good time. I might have to try the Donkey Booty work-out if it ever hits the market. Phaedra, girlfriend just got you a distribution deal. Say thank you. That is actually kind of important. However, $100k for an exercise video? No no no. Are you building a gym from scratch? Oh don’t even try and let Kenya do another casting at Cynthia’s. That’s not going to go well.
Get Your (Control) Freak On
Melissa’s What Happened: Back in LA, NeNe is struggling with the move and didn’t feel like she gave her best her first week at work, and thinks Gregg needs to step up his game while he thinks he’s had to juggle a lot in the move. NeNe thinks he needs to be a Mr. Mom and make her days smoother. Gregg tells her she needs to release duties and accept their decisions. She’s a bit of a control freak and can’t seem to let things go.
Rachel: Yeah NeNe, you might want to focus on the acting and not the wine glasses. The acting is what is keeping you in the house that needs the wine glasses. That might be the nicest way anyone has called someone out for being a control freak ever. Gregg gets a tip of the hat for that.
Negotiation Gone Wild
Melissa’s What Happened: Back at the office, Phaedra’s Business Attorney Eric stops by to break down Kenya’s suggestions for the video and the contract while Kenya shows up with her producer Brandon to discuss the budget and her want for 10% on the back end for her video. Seems Kenya didn’t care for Eric’s take on the contract and that she didn’t deserve anything on the back end. I love that they cut to him listening in from another room. Kenya has a problem since she secured the distribution deal and she thinks she deserves the 10% she requested. She doesn’t work for free and doesn’t work on projects she doesn’t get part of the profits from. Oh snap, Phaedra went and spoke with Kandi’s Todd who also has a production company (love that glare from Kenya)? I guess he played Captain Obvious and told her the amount of money Kenya is suggesting is ridiculous, then opted to offer to do the work for a quarter of the cost. Yeah, I’m thinking Kenya’s about to start going bat-shit on Phaedra. She’s put in her work and she’s insulted by Phaedra going to Todd. Kenya claims she usually gets 50%, and is insulted by their suggestion when they need a distribution deal to sell their videos. Phaedra being Phaedra claims her booty is it’s own distribution deal and her booty can translate every day because she’s sitting on a pot of gold. I have no clue at all as to what that means, but I’m thinking she feels she doesn’t need Kenya, because this video will sell itself. Hang on, you don’t give Chef Boyardee to Obama like she’s not going to give caviar to Ayden? WTF does that even mean Phaedra? Kenya sees that Apollo is stuck with a rock and a hard place being married to Phaedra and wants to work with her. Kenya tells her producer she can barely buy a pair of shoes with what they’re going to pay her and she buys thousand dollar shoes. Thanks for sharing Kenya… A family of four would be able to eat for a month on what you pay for a pair of shoes, I’m sure folks love hearing how much money you can spend. Anyone else think she’s channeling her inner Marlo? Phaedra thinks Apollo understands working out and she understands business so he’ll have to understand she’s the boss. On the way to the car Kenya points out that she has her own donkey booty and does a few twirls to prove it. Phaedra thinks if the deal goes south it’s OK because they haven’t been friends for that long.
Rachel: OK, you all know how much I love me some Phaedra and how much I don’t love me some Kenya. So, it really irks me that I have to take Kenya’s side on this. Yes, her budget is too high and no you don’t need a 4-camera set-up, but you might want to pay her some attention when she explains the production process and distribution. You can’t just throw your shit up on a website and expect to sell a million videos. And a 10% back-end isn’t a huge deal. Especially when you start asking her to whittle down her profit to nothing on your little vanity project. Kenya is also right when she says production is production. Yes, there are nuances, but it’s all production. She just needs to cut her budget and demand the 10% back-end. And then everyone needs to realize that this isn’t Jane Fonda.
Driving the Misses
Melissa’s What Happened: At the crack of dawn’s ass NeNe heads off to the studio while her Mr. NeNe (Gregg) offers to fetch her script that she left in the trunk of the car. Gregg tells her he thinks she’g going to knock it out of the park. I love these two together this season. Look at this trailer NeNe has for her show. Seems she hated having to use the guest trailer when she was on Glee when the regulars got their own trailers. I really need to check out her work.
Rachel: I like NeNe and Gregg together. I do. It takes a good man to get up before the sun and drive to set where he’ll do nothing but sit around. Hope there’s at least good craft services
Melissa’s What Happened: Aw, look at Kordell bringing Porsha breakfast in bed. Man, why does it have to go right to making babies and him burying his head in her lap? Hey kids, that doesn’t make babies… just so you know.
Rachel: Oh yeah, forgot about her. And I wish I could continue to forget about her and her world of yams. Please make her go away. I haven’t quite figured out why she’s on the show yet.
Melissa’s What Happened: Here we go… Todd’s big night. All sorts of surprises in the air!! HA, no pun intended either. Personally I’d chuck right on the ground if the hubs suggested we’d take a helicopter anywhere. Her thinking is to show him ATL so he can see what he’s getting if he stays there with her. While they soar… On the wings of love… Phaedra helps with the place settings she’s done for the party while the other ladies arrive. Kenya doesn’t quite understand how Phaedra can act like there is nothing wrong. Um, sweetie… It’s Phaedra doing Phaedra. That’s just how she is. HA, I love that Todd’s mom asks if Kenya was a model – that’s right pageant girl, yet another person doesn’t know about your title. You should start to wear a little Hello, my name is sticker with your credentials. Kenya tries to work Apollo a bit for information on the video project. Poor Apollo, he just wants to make an exercise video not get into a back and forth with these ladies. Come on, just let the man take his shirt off and sweat! I’m sure Richard Simmons would be happy to have him sweat to the oldies with him.
Oh, here comes the helicopter with Kandi and Todd! Look how surprised he is! As his mom strolls in he gets the biggest smile on his face and tries to hide the tears from his friends. Oh, that’s so sweet! Kandi welcomes the guests and shares the story about the lion cake that they met in Africa and on his birthday it was the first time they had a real conversation and had their first kiss. So while Kandi and Todd get their photo taken Kenya decides that is the right moment to step to Todd and get some answers from him about the video since Phaedra isn’t her usual talkative self when it comes to the project. No Kenya, that’s just a bad move. Very bad. Yeah Kandi, you make sure you step in and remind Kenya why she’s there… For Todd’s birthday… cake.
Rachel: What happened to the helicopter? Oh I guess you have to drive to the helipad. Probably can’t land a helicopter on your street. i’m quick. Wow, it’s brave of her to wear that dress. And we’ll leave it at that. But do I need to know that she’s cold? OK, now we’re leaving it at that. Kenya just loves to tell someone she was Miss USA. I wonder how many times a day she references it. Wait, why should Kenya do a deal for free? And yes you do too have to talk about fees. Don’t even play like you do free lawyering for all your friends. We all remember the disaster that was Sheree’s divorce hearing. You gotta love a man who cries when he sees his mama. That’s sweet. Oh no… Oh Kenya, don’t roll up on Todd on his birthday and talk business. Good on Kandi for just putting an end to that nonsense before cake starts to fly. She was not even playing. And quite frankly, if it came down to protecting the cake, I’d be right there shutting it down too.
Open Call = Open Can of Worms
Melissa’s What Happened: So it seems the casting for the video is on hold indefinitely at the Bailey Agency. Kenya and Brandon stop by to talk about the video. Miss Phaedra apparently tweeted an open invite for the video casting call. Yeah, Cynthia isn’t a pro-bono kind of girl so Phaedra can’t just run her own calls. Yep, this is going to get a little ugly kids. Kenya doesn’t know where they are because Phaedra didn’t believe in Kenya’s terms. So Phaedra arrives and is shocked to hear Cynthia cancelled the casting call. Cynthia reminds Phaedra that she casts and for a fee. Way to make sure that’s in there Cynthia. Phaedra tells Kenya she doesn’t think she deserves any back end on the deal and Kenya can’t believe Phaedra doesn’t respect her and it’s all made her sick and departs.
Rachel: Oh no, Phaedra. Why are you tweeting a casting call? Do you have any idea what is about to show up? Actually, I can’t wait to see what shows up. Should be spectacular. She really needs to let people who know what they’re doing do what they know. Of course, Cynthia should get a casting fee. How is this surprising? Why is Phaedra not trying to pay anyone? Oh damn, Cynthia actually canceled the casting. She’s not having any of Phaedra’s shenanigans. Ha, Kenya just called them ass clowns. Genius. And with that, she’s out. I really wish she would twirl out of every room.
Rachel: Wait, what did I miss? NeNe has a grandchild? Did I sleep through that? And I really have to say, the love light that shines brightly for Phaedra is dimming quickly. That makes me sad.
Melissa: That was a whole lotta nothing tonight. What’s up ladies?
** On a very happy side note, Two Winey Bitches would like to congratulate Todd and Kandi on their engagement. SO excited for you both!!