Rachel: Remember when the Bachelor used to be hot? Me neither. It’s been that long. In fact, I have a hard time remembering the last Bachelor to grace our screen that I’d have any interest in sharing my hot tub with. And it’s not going to change tonight for me. I know I’m among the few that doesn’t think that Sean is dreamy, and it isn’t changing any time soon. And it’s more than just the unyielding shine that emanates from his forehead that I find unattractive. It’s also how he spoke about his exes to Emily all last season. He didn’t come right out and bag on them, but if you listened to what he was really saying it was not very flattering. And let me stop you before you go on a rant on me about how he just wasn’t feeling them and that happens in a lot of relationships. I’ll agree that that’s true. However, there was zero sensitivity to what the girls went through. It was all “me me me” which made me all “ack ack ack”. I know he said losing Emily was his first broken heart and that opened his eyes a lot. So maybe that new humility he talked about on the reunion show stuck, but I’m not feeling super hopeful. Alright, let’s get this over with.
Melissa: <sigh> It’s that time of year again when abc does its best to round up the most ridiculous set of Mensa cast-offs the world has seen since… Well, last season. This should be good though. Sean Lowe is back, has shaken off the Emily ju-ju and is ready for action. I guess seeing how that all played out, he’s pretty glad he’s the one calling the shots instead of chasing Em down various streets around the world. Anywho, let’s bring on the bitches for a fun-filled night of innuendos, wine, and tears – and then we’ll get to cocktail time at the Bachelor house. Oh, and for those of you playing at home, abc created a cheat sheet. Thanks, abc. You’re a life saver! Personally I’m good with numbering them until week 5 when I can actually tell them apart.
Let’s Get The Party Started
Melissa: Here we go… Let’s meet our new bachelor! It’s Sean’s second chance at love this season! Well, at least we get some eye candy shirtless shots as we go through everything we already know about Sean & his journey to the Bachelor, because we all know this bitch right here doesn’t hate a man with a nice body. Oy, and the Ems montage of heartbreak. Oh the tragedy of it all. Yeah, again I’m thinking you’re better off, my friend. Yes, heartbreak and torture trying to get over Emily, but the love of his family has rallied him back. At least he’s rocking some Chucks… He gets some props there. I love these staged “casual” scenes of Sean watching a couple getting their wedding pictures taken & then going off on his shirtless rock climbing adventure. It’s almost comical. No, it is comical.
Rachel: Oh, I’m already annoyed with the previews of the season. And no one deserves love more than Sean? Hmmm… I doubt that. I have a feeling you could find potentially one or two people on this planet more deserving of a second chance at love.
I see the budgets have gone down since Princess Emily’s season. Sean gets a Jeep. Emily gets a Maserati. OK, I know the women loves themselves a little eye candy with the shirtless pics, but do we need to get close enough to the pecs that I can count the number of hairs? The answer would be no.
Aaaaaaand here we go…. reliving the pain that is Emily. And by pain, I mean mine. And do I have to watch them mack down again? This answer would also be no. Mr. Perfect wasn’t perfect enough. Yeah yeah, we get it.
But God has another plan for him. Yes, to star on the Bachelor. Clearly, that’s what God wants. Did he just call himself Seanie? I mean the kids are cute and we get the message that he’s a great guy, but Seanie is pushing it.
Oh no! The weird bleached jeans again! Why? Why are you still wearing those? Didn’t you hear the howls of pain last season? Throw them into the ocean with the stones you’re so casually skipping. And I’m about done with the gratuitous shirtless shots. I get that I’m in for about 1,000 more before this season ends, but for the love of all that’s holy, enough. Apparently, where one lacks in personality, one makes up in abs.
The Boys are Back In Town
Melissa: Really, so now we have to hang out at the house with Sean? What’s with the whole hanging out at the house thing with these folks? Wow, and Arie stops by to say hi to his old buddy. Um, so how is it that they are so close but haven’t seen each other since Curacao? Yeah, the whole falling in love with the same girl and both of them getting dumped by her is a bit odd. Ah, but it makes a friendship so strong. OK, now this whole “how are you going to offer the roses to the girls?” conversation is just sheer silliness. Come on people. Sweet Mary are we really going for kissing tips? Are we back in high school? What a happy little bromance. Anyone else feeling like they just want to romp around in the pool together then head out to dinner for old times sake?
Rachel: Is he actually slicing up strawberries for a snack? How metrosexual of him. Oh hello, Arie. So lovely to see you. For reals. And hopefully he’s no longer seeing Courtney. That is truly disappointing. (Side note: Just read that he & Courtney are over! Woo!) Watching yourself get dumped was healthy for you? Alrighty then. This is so badly contrived. Why are you wasting my time with this? This conversation about how to break up with the women is not helping either of them not sound like total douches either. Nor is the kissing conversation. Though I’d pay serious amounts of cash if Arie broke out into a little Summer Lovin’ right about now.
Meet the Crew
Melissa: Can we just cut to the house and get this started? Yeah, hi Chris… glad to see you’re still working-ish for that paycheck. Thanks for the verbal recap of the video we just watched. Oh, it’s the ladies that rated a “special” intro…
Rachel: Hello Chris Harrison. Nice to see you again. I see you are still helping us understand everything we just watched in case we couldn’t process it on our own.
Desiree Hartsock– the bridal stylist from Cali just looking for her prince charming.
Melissa: OK, so does she spend her days just trying on dresses? According to the cheat sheet her favorite book is Eat, Pray, Love.
Rachel: She’s cute. She has the potential to be nuts. But she’s cute.
Tierra LiCausi – the leasing consultant from Denver.
Melissa: She’s looking for a family and a best friend and is ready to try again, Unfortunately, that piercing shrill scream upon hearing Sean’s name gave me an instant headache… Thanks sweetie, you’re at the bottom of my list. Oh, she’s going to bring home a new daddy for her dog. OY!!
Rachel: Oh boy, here comes the one who’s heart has been broken and will talk about it incessantly. She just broke my eardrums with that shriek. It’s Sean Lowe. Not Rob Lowe.
Robyn Howard – Hey she’s an oilfield account manager.
Melissa: Hang on, this one might be the token smart girl… who gets sent home the first night. Oh, she totally had me until the heart hands. Fine, call me jaded and cold hearted. I think it’s dumb.
Rachel: Our token lady of color. Someday one of our Bachelor/Bachelorettes will actually be open to dating outside their own race. Dare to dream.
Diana Weeks Willardson – the salon owner from Utah.
Melissa: Oh, at least we know she’ll always have awesome hair. Ah, the one with kids. Every show has to have one – or two. I’ll save my soapbox rant for later. Yeah, and the cheat sheet says she wants to be Taylor Swift <eye roll>.
Rachel: Oh the single mom. Yes, we have to have one of them too.
Sarah Herron – the average advertising girl who is crazy about her career.
Melissa: OH, she was born with one arm. Oh, you’ve skyrocketed to the number one spot as far as I’m concerned. That and your little French bulldog helps too.
Rachel: OMG, that fake business call was the worst acting job of a bachelorette ever. But the one-arm situation could be interesting. We’ll see just how shallow our Bachelor is.
Ashley Palenkas is another hairstylist.
Melissa: Thankfully it will be a good hair season. Oh no, she’s a cat lady AND is a 50 Shades fan. Girl, you went to the bottom of the list, and please don’t pull any of those 50 shades moves. That’s just not cool.
Rachel: I feel like I’ve seen her before on another reality show… or maybe she just looks like a “reality” girl. Oh no, she did not just pull out Fifty Shades of Grey. I fully missed the memo on that book. Couldn’t get past page 50 of that horrible writing. Oh my, she’s a whole big bag of cray. And that laugh… Yeah, I’m not seeing her get past night one though she would be fun for us kiddies to watch.
Leslie Hughes is our political consultant and the “environment girl”.
Melissa: OK, she was cute until that campaign for Sean move. Why do they all have to have the schtick? Just be normal ladies.
Rachel: Yeah, I think the producer make them have a schtick, Melissa. Well, she already gets a thumbs up for being pro-environment. And that’s about all she gets a thumbs up for.
Kristy Kaminski is the “everyone is jealous of me” model this season.
Melissa: Hopefully she can represent the models better than what’s-her-face on Ben’s season… You know, the horrible one… She who must not be named.
Rachel: Our new Courtney… Oops, sorry we weren’t mentioning names. Guess we now have to have a model every season too.
AshLee Frazier – the oldest filly in the Bachelor stable is our Miss Martha – she’s an organizer.
Melissa: She wants to be in love more than anything. Well, not more than having a color-coordinated organized closet. OK, she’s the one with the bad backstory of bouncing from foster home to foster home until she found her family.
OK, can I side bar for a second? Is there a maximum weight requirement for this show? I swear not a single one of these can be over a hundred pounds. For real, I think they could hide behind one of my thighs.
Rachel: The mad organizer… everything must have a place! Oh boy, we have abandonment issues and a need to control things hence her love for all things organization. But she seems sweet… for now.
Melissa: Finally, it’s limo time! Why does he look shocked to see his surroundings getting out of that car? Oh, right because Emily dragged everyone down south! How did I completely forget that? Diva.
You know what I want to hear? All the smack talk in the limo as the ladies get out. Why can’t they stay mic’d?
Rachel: Uh, Sean doesn’t look nervous. He looks like he’s going to fall asleep.
Melissa: The first to arrive, and I’m not feeling that greeting. I get there are nerves honey, but come on. You need to work it like a stripper at last call. OK, I have no clue what that means, but it just flowed to the fingers without my being able to stop it.
Rachel: She looks good. I like the dress, but I still think she’s wound way tight and we may see a “no wire hangers ever!” moment when the other girls fail to do their own dishes.
Melissa: Jackie from the other Winey Bitch’s hometown. Oh, we’re totally looking her up the next time I’m there!! What the hell is that marking your own territory move? Why not just pee on his foot?
Rachel: Hey, my home town! She automatically gets a point for that. And the lips was a cute touch, but she should have put the lipstick on in the car. I mean you know, if you have to have a shtick.
Melissa: Selma is next and I don’t have a lot on this one. But I do love the tissue in the cleavage to wipe Jackie’s kiss off of him. Nice move girl.
Rachel: Meh. That’s about all I got. Well, meh and bad nose job.
Melissa: Leslie H is our card shark. Man I love having this cheat sheet. Genius abc… LOVE YOU!! Oh, according the the cheet sheet, this one has a tat. I like Leslie even if her dress looks a little like drapery at a wedding hall.
Rachel: Whoa! Two women of color! You Bachelor kids are crazy! She’s cute but the shoes are bad. Really bad. Like crappy bridal department bad.
Melissa: She tried to rock a handshake. Um, really?
Rachel: A handshake really? Everyone knows you hand jive on a first date.
Melissa: Kelly works on cruise ships… not like Julie the cruise director though, she just entertains. She’s a bit orange, no? And a singer? Well, I use that term loosely, but Sean buys it.
Rachel: Horrible dress. But not as horrible as the song she just sang. She should have rocked the Love Boat Theme. That would have been awesome. I don’t even want to begin to get into her fake tan. Big yikes the whole way around.
Melissa: Here comes Yoga Katie, girl you should have gone with a downward dog. You need to bring a little more to the table.
Rachel: Yoga, yes. That hair, no. 1984 needs it back.
Melissa: Three Ashleys this season? Wait, does it count as the same name if they aren’t spelled the same but sound the same? It’s still confusing to the rest of us. Did she just pull a “Christian Grey tie” out of her cleavage? Sweet Mary woman, didn’t I tell you not to bring that 50 Shades BS to the meet and greet?? I would die if he asked if she wanted to learn a Windsor knot.
Rachel: Well, when a woman offers up some kinky sex, it generally does render a man speechless. But in this case, it was out of sheer terror rather than actually being turned on. Yeah, he smelled that crazy the moment the limo door opened.
Melissa: Next is Taryn the Health Club Manager. Oh, I like her.
Rachel: She seems cute. That’s all.
Melissa: She completely lost me when she called him a hunk. Who uses that word anymore?
Rachel: More ethnicity. I like it! She’s cute.
Melissa: Oh, here’s my girl Robyn who lost me with her hand-hearts. Please don’t pull that one again. Oh snap, she just fell over attempting a gymnastics move. What an entrance! I would have climbed back in the car for a do-over.
Rachel: Oh. No. She. Didn’t. Holy embarrassing. Well, that’ll leave an impression… and a mark.
Melissa: Lacey, the grad student, reminds me of Emily… ish. OK, really would it kill some of these girls to run a brush through their hair? I mean really, just looking all ratty in the back like because you forgot you have to WALK AWAY from the camera & be shot from behind.
Rachel: She shows up with a heart of lace in her hands and a bottle of bad dye on her head. Whoa that’s bad hair.
Melissa: STFU! She operates a Jumbotron!! Wait, she was on BP3? I need to look that one up, because I don’t remember her to save my life. Then again I can barely remember where I park my car most days. At least she brushed her hair.
Rachel: She was on Bach Pad? I guess she must have been eliminated before I started watching week 2… or started paying attention.
Melissa: Another one with a tat. Oh right, this was the squeeler. Please tell me she didn’t get that tat just for the show. Hang on, what’s this now? Is he for real just leaving her there? I hope he’s getting her a rose, because let’s face it, anything else is completely douchy. Yeah, I called it. Poor thing though must have been shittin’ bricks. Sorry. Shittin’ rocks. Man, who would have thought I could pull a Christmas Vacation quote in for the Bachelor. Maybe that will be my new game this season. How many times I can work a quote into a write up. Aw, well, that’s going to get her daggers from the other ladies when she walks inside. Yeah, that’ll put the big old bullseye on her back… Good luck to you girl, sleep with one eye open.
Rachel: The finger tattoo… I so want to rail on it, but I cannot. It’s kinda cute. Does she really not know he went to get a rose? I kinda like her. Yes, I was bagging on her during the intro, but I think I might like her. Then again, she may have been the psycho in the previews but I was too busy rolling my eyes to actually take it in.
Oh the ladies are not happy that the first impression rose is already off the table… and here come the talons. Girl, you had better watch your back.
Melissa: Amanda the Fit Model… What’s up with all the skinny models? Not cool. Makes me not want to finish the second cookie on my plate. I’ll have to give her props for the awkward pause move though.
Rachel: Holy legs! Well, she is a fit model. Bitch. Yeah, this awkward pause is really awkward. And holy teeth, batman!
Melissa: Kerriann the Entrepreneur is pretty, but another one whose hair I want to brush.
Rachel: Hey Leann Rimes is on the show! Wait, she drove the whole way here? Doesn’t abc spring for the tickets? Or is she scared to fly? That ought to make the tropical locations hard to get to.
Melissa: Oh, here’s the bridal stylist, Desiree. At least she didn’t show up in a gown and veil. I do like that she brought pennies to make a wish. Clever.
Rachel: Pennies in the fountain. Cute. That lipstick with that dress. Not cute.
Melissa: I would almost love to just walk up to the car and whisper to them all that the first impression rose has already been given out and to chill with the craziness. It’s my girl Sarah!!
Rachel: I like Sarah & I like that he didn’t even flinch when he saw the arm. Good boy.
Melissa: Lookie here at Brooke from the ‘Burgh!! How did I miss that on my cheat sheet? I love that dress!
Rachel: DAYUM! ABC took those lawsuit threats to heart. I like that she’s a hometown girl (even though they spelled said hometown wrong), but she’s a bit um… Well, I’m waiting for her to purr.
Melissa: Diana clearly is going to be pissed the first impression rose is already gone.
Rachel: Dig the dress. She can stay.
Melissa: She has some awesome hair rocking tonight. Um, didn’t we do the football thing last Bachelor?
Rachel: Well, you know I like anything football so a big thumbs up to that. And I do like that she figured out a way to check out Sean’s booty… if you’re into that thing.
Melissa: Oh Kristy, you need to take it down a notch or I’m just going to toss you in the pile with Crazy Faces Courtney. DOH, I said her name. Only 2 more before she appears like Beetlejuice!!
Rachel: Yeah, the model thing is escaping me here. Sorry. I don’t see it.
Melissa: ANOTHER MODEL?! And another Ashley – this one with an H.
Rachel: I’m getting pageant gown fatigue and that is the most tragic of all. She gets sent home immediately for that dress… and that walk.
Melissa: Hey, they snuck another smart one in the group. Sadly, I worry she won’t go far, but at least this one brushed the back of her hair. Why the threats girl? Now he’s going to be looking over his shoulder the rest of the night since that rose is already spoken for.
Rachel: Yeah that always works well. Threatening your date.
Melissa: Um, what’s up with Lindsey, the bride? Way to scare off a boy! Damn, I don’t think he was expecting to get to first base before he even made it inside. It’s a night of breaking all the rules I suppose.
Rachel: Nothing scarier than a girl in a wedding dress. She’s really actually wearing that and full on kissing him. But at least she’s got a sense of humor about it.
Melissa: Here we go with the last minute call in vote. Who the hell has that kind of power? Not to mention skinny ass legs! Why do they do that cutting to commercial? Kacie B. apparently has some pull with Chris and crew. Well at least we know she won’t pull out the marching band for her hometown since that didn’t really work for her last one. So, have they met before in other Bachelor events? Wait, so Desiree thinks it’s not fair that she’s here since she’s already been on a show? Um, then technically Sean shouldn’t be either.
Rachel: Oh and the surprise guest – Who is it? Any guesses? The legs scream Blakeley to me. But not sure her engagement with Tony was done in time for her to make it here. Oh right, I already knew it was Kacie B. LOL… Wow, I need to start taking Geritol or something. She is cute…. but I think she’s a big bag of crazy.
I still don’t get the “it’s not fair she’s here” thing. These women are so crazy. But I’m not sure why I’m trying to apply logical thought to these women being that they’re on a tv show looking for love. Clearly they’re not really the pillars of practical thinking in the first place.
Melissa: Here’s where it gets fun… drunk ladies and dishing dirt.
So, it’s time for Kacie B to plead her case. I’ll be honest, I’m a little confused as to how they decide to bring folks back, but hey, it’s good tv right? Here’s the thing though, they’ve hung out before tonight. If there were sparks, why is he here? And if there weren’t sparks, why is she?
Desiree says she would, of course, design her own wedding dress. Anyone notice the random body walking through in the background? That’s a little distracting. Oh, so he gets to pass out roses as the night goes? Of course Desiree accepts the rose. I have to say that makes the ceremony less dramatic. HA, I love Catherine saying that they had to put their “lady faces back on” at the site of Desiree and her rose.
In another bold “change it up” rose giving, Sean gives one to AshLee F… I think. Sorry, they all look the same to me for the first few weeks. I’m just going to go on record here and say that AshLee F trying to cut down Tierra’s rose as not being the first impression rose is really petty & childish. Bitch, she got hers before she even set foot in the house. Don’t hate the player, hate the game.
Selma also gets a rose, and I’m gotta say that this is going to make for a shitty ass non-rose ceremony. Now, Robyn and Yoga Katie both get roses, and at this point, I can’t keep track who these other girls are that he’s just willy-nilly tossing roses to. Ah, they’re the good energy girls. Whatever, I don’t get it.
Oh man, that was a cold diss on Ashley H. Poor thing was eyeing up that rose like I eye up the chocolate cake in the bakery display. Well, I’m sure she’s not muttering “get in my belly”, but it’s the same crazy eyes!
Then there’s Lindsay already in her wedding dress ready for her ultimate rose ceremony. I’ll give her props for being the kooky girl, and the drunk one. Good on you to live in the moment. OK, I’m taking that “good on you” back over the “gimme a kiss” you just threw at our boy. You’re playing the crazy girl a little too much. We get you have a funny side, but turn the dial back a bit.
Rachel: Totally slept through the Kacie B portion of events. Seriously, I have no idea what they were talking about. Was it important? Look, you make these shows 1.5 hour of filler and 30 minutes of the shit we came to see. So, don’t blame me when I start to zone. Besides there’s been a lot of wine thrown down the gullet at this point.
Aaaaand still sleeping through all these chats. Oh Desiree… that’s her name. She gets a rose too. So far the Brunettes have it. I love the sheer panic and drama about three roses being given out. It’s like their tiny little brains can’t process a running change in the rules. Wait, you can’t give out more than one rose. What will Chris Harrison do for the rest of the night? And I love that the girls with the roses are bickering about which one is the real first impression rose. Are you for real right now? And I don’t know why, but I’m surprised it’s Little Miss Preacher’s Daughter stirring the bitchy pot. She’s got a little devil in her, that one. And not just a Dirt Devil.
And there goes number 4 to the girl with the bad nose job. Wow, it’s like a rose jamboree. Does this mean no rose ceremony? I need a formal ceremony to keep track. I can’t be expected to keep track on my own. He’s like a Bachelor on speed. Roses for everyone! Well, everyone but the scary pageant girl with the mouth that doesn’t move. Back off the ‘tox lady. Uh oh, wedding dress girl might have pushed the joke too far. Yeah, see here’s the key to a good joke. Get your laugh and move on. She missed the moving on part and is now in jeopardy of moving right on out of the house.
Too Kinky For Christian
Melissa: Oh Ashley… Ashley… Ashley… you need to put your tie away and take it down a notch. That being said, I find it so damn delicious when they get drunk. Yep, we’ve all been there. Well, I haven’t danced with a tie, nor have any of my friends. Yeah, sorry sweetie, you’re just out there all drunk. Maybe you should find Lindsay and you can hold each other’s hair while you vomit. Oh, then you’re going to blow it for Paige by trying to score a quickie rose? BAHAHAHA, Sean and his rape whistle joke. OK, that was the best genuine laugh I’ve had all night. I love when the straight-sober person plays off the drunk babbling one. OMG, she just fell! Yeah, I’m thinking she and Lindsay are going to be talking to their porcelain pals tonight… and the limo drivers as they head home.
Oh, while I was still chuckling over Ashley’s antics, Leslie got a rose.
Rachel: Oh Ashley. Oh wow. She’s a mess. That dancing is not cute at any point. Wait, her mom calls Sean her “son in law”? Hmmm… sounds like her mom might be a big bag of crazy too. Sean gets points for the 50 Shades of Drunk comment. Damn, this chick is going to end up crying in her tie tonight. Think it’s going to end up getting more use as a tissue than a bondage tool.
Melissa: Here’s a question, is Taryn crying or drunk? I honestly can’t tell. You know Brooke is trying to figure out how the hell to get away from her before she gets chucked on. And, we have our first official crier of the night. Wait, you don’t fight over a guy, Taryn? Um, have you not seen a single season of the Bachelor? That’s pretty much the entire theme of the show.
Listen here Miss Sarah, I don’t like this attitude of yours. That’s silliness on your part to think you don’t deserve what the other women get. Take your rose and you sit there and gloat like the rest of them. Don’t get on my bad side the first night.
Rachel: Uh Taryn, the whole not wanting everyone to know you want a rose is probably not the tactic here, seeing as how you’re on a show where your goal is to get a rose. Er, I mean win love. Er, I mean… oh never mind.
Aw, sad Sarah. Go talk to Sean. Not wanting to hunt him down is also a bad tactic. Take a look around. You’re swimming with the sharks. It’s kill or be killed. There you go. See, all good. Ok, she’s sweet and my business partner here agrees, so we’re all good.
The dirty dozen that got roses already: Tierra, Desiree, AshLee F., Selma, Robyn, Katie, Catherine, Jackie, Leslie H, Sarah, Brooke, Diana
The rose call: Amanda, Leslie M., Kacie B., Kristy, Daniella, Taryn, Lindsay
Going home: Ashley H, Ashley P, Kelly, Keriann, Lacey, Lauren and Paige
Rachel: Well, I hope these ladies are ready to bring some drama because Sean is about as interesting to me as watching grass grow. Don’t disappoint me ladies. 50 Shades Of Crazy is gone so it’s all on you. Ya better bring it.
Melissa: Hate to say it, but I’m glad 50 Shades Of Crazy didn’t get a rose. I also have NO idea if we managed to capture the whirl-wind of roses during cocktails. Let me also say I don’t understand the tears on night 1. Come on ladies, you’re made of better stuff!
Cheat Sheet full URL: http://beta.abc.go.com/shows/the-bachelor/blogs/extras/cheat-sheet