One Sentence Summary: That was loud.
My Thoughts: I’m going to keep this simple and quick, unlike the Miami ladies (and I use the term loosely) did for us. I’m also going to spare my partner, Melissa, the pain of having to watch the show. That’s how good of a friend I am. Well, that and I’m currently staying at her house in New Jersey where it is far too cold to be kicked out after subjecting her to such pain. So, here I am tucked by the fire, giving you the quick (really quick) skinny on the all the drama that was Part 1.
First, it should be noted that the powers-that-be deemed the Miami Housewives worthy enough this season to let them record the reunion on a real set, unlike last time where they were crowded onto the WWHL set on rented bar stools. So, I don’t know if that’s a good sign for these ladies that there will be a Season 3, but they’ve already beaten out Season 1 on this alone.
Things start off with the usual hellos and softball questions to lull us into a false sense of serenity. Is Lisa ok with being called a fembot? Yep. Have all of the women had work done? Yep. Can Lenny help Elsa get her face back? Doubtful. And just as I can feel my jaw start to unclench and my shoulders relax away from my ears, the screaming begins. Yes, the hideous sounds of self-centered women cackling their righteous indignation started quickly and didn’t let up until Round 1 was called. I can tell you that there were no winners.
As for who lit the match and threw it on the pile, that would be Adriana who apparently has decided off-camera that the truce that was called between she & Joanna on-camera is over. Over to the point that she calls Joanna an alcoholic, her relationship a publicity stunt and is pretty sure that Romain is cheating because Joanna is not the, and I quote, “only pussy in Miami.” Ah yes, Adriana. Way to keep it classy. So, Joanna and Romain have broken up and gotten back together more times than Lindsay Lohan & alcohol. Maybe that’s just how they keep the spice in their relationship… even though it seems spice is what they’re lacking according to Joanna. Romain, she says, isn’t a very sexual person. Just what a man wants announced on national TV. And as for Joanna’s relationship with Marta, Adriana says she bullies her and doesn’t let Marta have her own opinions. Oh, I’m pretty sure Marta has her own opinions. Whether Joanna pays them any mind is another story. But before we explore this further, Ana says that she objects to the term “bullied” being thrown around so lightly being how serious of an issue it is right now. I agree with Ana on this, but this would be the last thing I agree with her on the entire night.
Seems while Adriana was loading up her arsenal of attacks on Joanna, Ana was doing the same on Lea. Yes, somewhere between the time the cameras stopped rolling and the ladies put on their finest duds to reminisce with Andy, Ana decided that Lea Black was the worst person in Miami… nay, the world. Yeah, I
have no idea if this was one of those moments when I was so bored by this show that I went catatonic and missed a few scenes, but I don’t recall there being any issues between these two other than she doesn’t like Lea’s voice. But certainly not to the point that Ana would go all Rambo up in here. When I said that I wished someone would shut Adriana up, this is not exactly what I was envisioning. Guess I need to be more specific when I send those requests out into the universe. She’s all up in arms about Lea’s conduct on the show and throws in some jab about showing everyone Lea for who she really is – which apparently is a gold digger that had no life before marrying her husband. You know, Ana wasn’t my favorite person before tonight, but this insanity has moved her into the straight-up dislike category. This is just some ugly, shady shit. And when it devolves into her calling Lea an old lady when there can’t be more than a few years between them, Ana loses all credibility. Just shut it. Your behavior is so ugly right now.
And no, I’m not saying Lea’s a saint. Lea’s not even saying she’s a saint. She owns the fact that she can be mean and say nasty things then play them off as jokes. Does that make it ok? No. But it does make her a grown-up by admitting to her short-comings. This, of course, leads to Marysol and their feud over who screwd who first and worst. I don’t know about you, but I really couldn’t care less about
this anymore. Clearly neither of them are going to take the blame, so let’s not go ’round and ’round on this again. Even Andy is over it as he interrupts the back & forth between them, but not before Ana can call this all minutia. This time it’s Marysol she offends because her business and the people that work for her that will be hurt by Lea’s accusations are a big deal. Point to Marysol.
And then there’s Karent. The queen of the “smile so they don’t see your pain” move. Lea feels badly for how mean the women were to her. Of course Ana owns none of it. No, instead she turns the venom up another notch and accuses Lea of being mean too. Lea says she was and that she admitted it to Karent before she could see it on TV or hear it from the other women. Wind out of the sails on that argument, Ana. What else you got? Oh, that Lea has earned everything she has on her back while Ana earned everything she has on the backs of her immigrant parents who put her through law school. Say what? Now everyone is openly confused by how nasty Ana’s being and we all wonder what part of her brain has snapped.
What else… Oh yeah, Karent’s dad is doing well and she is done with Rodolfo for good. Then the bickering begins again between Adriana & Joanna as it’s time to discuss the bitch-slap heard ’round the world. Adriana is finally forced to admit she slapped Joanna, but does so with the excuse that Joanna provoked her with the name-calling and stalking. Then there’s a lot of screaming about Spanglish, racism, the slums of Brazil, Joanna’s lack of smarts and both of their issues with being nasty. I can’t be more specific than that because at this point I no longer am listening and I no longer care. They both are lunatics dancing dangerously close to the edge of sanity. For all I care, they can dance right of the edge and take Ana with them.
But first, we’ll have to suffer through another hour of this with Elsa and Alexia thrown in for good measure. Joy.