One Sentence Summary: Another Miami season comes to an end and once again no one cares.
Rachel: OK, fine. It’s the last week so I’m going to jump on the grenade and do a proper review. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but far be it for me to complain. LOL… Right, right. You all know me better than that. But, I’m going to try and find the positive. For example, I have to say that I am surprised how much I actually like Lisa. I am definitely guilty of judging a book by it’s cover on this one. Well, and it’s tagline. I mean when you call yourself your husband’s best creation, you sort of set yourself up for it. But she has far more depth of character than all the successful ladies on the show combined, except for maybe Lea… who is my second surprise of the season. I don’t particularly care for her choice in friends (Not mentioning any names… Joe Francis & John Goodman) and her voice is still nails on a chalkboard, but I like how she took Lisa under her wing and the fact that she stayed in the room with twin beds with nary a peep about it. Look, this is big news in the Housewives world. I really expected Lea to be my least favorite person this season, but that distinction goes, hands down, to Adriana. I think she’s just a nasty person who needs to wash her hair more often. If these women manage to pull off a third season, I hope it’s without her. Now, let’s see what they leave us with tonight.
Welcome To My Healing Hole
It’s an ugly, rainy day in Bimini, which means the ladies aren’t getting off the island any time soon. So, what do 7 women do when they are stuck on a rainy tropical island? Well, first they listen to Lea talk about her friends in prison. Yeah, there’s that bad taste in friends again, though George Martorano is an interesting case, to say the least. But that party can only last so long, so Marysol recommends a cleansing ritual that her mother taught her. This ritual consists of taking flowers into the ocean, passing them over themselves and cleansing the negativity from ones body. The women think this is a bunch of hoogy boogy, but agree to do it anyway since no one can come up with a better idea. Is there no booze left on the island? The rain didn’t wash all the bars away, right?
So, off they go into the cold water – aka The Healing Hole – with their flowers. Each woman talks about what they want in their lives and tosses the flowers into the ocean. Adriana talks about getting over herself & committing to Fredrick. Lisa talks about having a baby. Marysol wants to move on from Philippe. Ana, the biggest poo-poo-er of the ritual, talks about her moving on from her 23 year marriage and sobs through the whole thing. Alexia prays for her kids and is thankful for Herman. Joanna wants her relationship with Romain to work and all the negativity to go away. Um, then the drinking has to go away… and so does your sister. Lea wishes happily ever after for all the ladies. Now let’s all hold hands and sing kumbayah. Again I ask, no open bars? I jest. It was a lovely moment in the healing hole. I’m even going to refrain from making a crass joke about my “healing hole” in order to preserve the sanctity of this joyous occasion… For now.
Come Sail Away
Fredrick & Adriana arrive late for her son’s piano recital at the Frost School Of Music. Adriana and Alex play a piece together, and as we listen to the music, Adriana tells us that Bimini taught her a lot about life, love and caring for one another.
Afterwards, Frederick & Adriana tell Alex that they have decided to get married. He wonders why no one asked his permission. This is actually a pretty cute moment for this little family. Adriana just wants to officialize it… Wait, is “officialize” a real word? I mean she speaks 5 languages so I imagine it’s a word in one of them, but I’ve never heard it in English. Then again, spellcheck didn’t catch it as wrong, so maybe it is. I’m just saying it’s yet to come up on my Dictionary.com word of the day. Adriana also tells her son that, after the wedding, the boat will be done and they will sail off into the sunset. Yeah, this might be a more important subject on which you might want to ask the kid’s opinion. I mean I haven’t spent much time with young Alex, but I have a feeling that a future living at sea with his parents and only his parents isn’t what he envisioned for his teens. Call it a hunch.
With This Necklace, I Thee Re-propose
As the recital music continues to play in the background, Joanna comes home to an apartment filled with flowers and candles. Seems Romain has had a change of heart and realizes how much he loves her. She is everything he ever dreamed of and he’s sorry for all the hurt he’s caused her. Did I fall on my head and wake up in an alternate universe? What is he apologizing for? I mean yeah, he has kept her on ice for a while, but I can’t say as her behavior didn’t warrant a step back. But I guess he realized that if he’s going to get her back, he’ll need to do some fancy footwork. So for starters, he takes her off the ice and puts it around her neck in the form of a gorgeous diamond necklace, which is what he is using to re-proposes to her. She lets him know that he really broke her heart, but she loves him… and loves the necklace… so she forgives him.
But he has two more wishes: One is to spend more time together. The second is to get married in the spring, wherever she chooses. Oh, same time as Adriana’s wedding. I wonder if Adriana’s wedding will punch Joanna’s wedding in the face. He just wants to make her happy. Yeah, I need me a Romain. I also need me a body like Joanna’s to get me a Romain. And while I’m asking, the face would be nice too. You know, in case someone is in the giving spirit this holiday season…. and has a magic wand.
2 Steps Forward, 2 Steps Back
More piano recital music… Oh you music peeps are so artistic. Anywho, we’ve watched two relationships move forward, and now we watch two come to an end. First, it’s time for Ana to sign her divorce papers and officially move on with her life. Robert says it’s been two years already so he doesn’t know why it’s a big deal. Oh I don’t know, maybe because you show up every day like you still live there and expect her to perform all but one of the wifely duties so she’s had no real time to process the separation… you know, because you’re never separated. I mean shame on her for letting it go on this long, but you, Robert, are a dick.
Meanwhile, in other dysfunctional relationships, Philippe stops by Marysol’s for some drinks and divorce conversation. He wonders if she’s ready. She says she was ready the first time. How many times have you tried? I mean I realize it’s hard to walk away from a marriage that had so much promise. I mean they spent at least a month getting to know each other so it’s not like they rushed into anything. Look, I don’t doubt they care about each other, but I just will never understand the whole getting married 15 minutes after meeting someone and then being shocked when it doesn’t work out. It’s like marriage is something you take as seriously as choosing what to have for lunch. Eh, if it doesn’t work out, there’s always the next time. No! It’s not tuna on rye! It’s marriage! But it’s time for them to move on, and what better way to toast to that than with a cigarette? I mean nothing says, “I’ll have you in my heart (and lungs) forever.” than a little carcinogen.
Back at Ana’s, Robert is anxiously waiting for Ana to sign the papers. He still can’t figure out why it’s a big deal for her. That attitude alone is why you should be happy to sign. He so clearly wants to move on with his life… as long as you still feed him and do his laundry. And when he laughs in your face because dissolving a 23 year marriage makes you sad, you should have thrown him out of the house. Oh first, they have to tell the girls, one of whom isn’t going to let dad belittle the moment on her watch, unlike his now ex-wife was happy to do. OK, I’m ready for Robert to be off my TV.
I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar
Marysol & Elsa go to lunch both decked out in leopard print. They can’t believe they ended up wearing the same thing. I can’t believe you just pulled up in the same car and are pretending not to have noticed before this moment. I’m thinking you had a chance to let Elsa change when you saw her walking to your car in the same shirt you were wearing. But hey, thanks for that hilarious moment, Lucille Ball. Well, I guess if you’re two cougars out on the prowl, you might as well dress the part. Yes, I know they’re different animals, but just go with me here, people.
At lunch, Marysol tells Elsa that she realized, in Bimini, that it is time to move on and has filed for divorce from Philippe, though she still wants to invite him to her work anniversary party. Elsa wonders if he’s going to drop them from his life. Marysol calls him and Elsa explains that she is suffering from their separation. I think. I’m not really sure exactly what happened there, honestly. Where are my Elsa subtitles? But he’ll still come to the party which makes everyone happy. And then there’s more Elsa rambling about moving forward and flourishing. I don’t know. I don’t really care. Let’s move on.
Time for Daysy’s big day of plastic surgery. She has asked Lisa to be in the operating room with her because it will make her feel more comfortable. I don’t think I love anyone enough to watch them have surgery, especially without the aid of alcohol. And apparently in this situation, if Lisa goes in to the operating room, so do we. And it also means we get a nice big close-up of the fat being sucked out of Daysy’s body. Wow, just never needed to see that. And now that Lisa has compared it to tomato bisque, I never need to eat that again either. Seriously, can we please get out of the OR? There’s a reason I don’t watch Grey’s Anatomy. Well, aside from the fact that I have no interest in an hour-long show where pretty people who are rich and having sex all the time do nothing but whine. But that’s for another day. Today is for Daysy and her new body, which I assume we will see if there is a Season 3.
I’m Every Woman
Lea, Joanna & Lisa meet up for a little Bimini roommate reunion. Lea tells Lisa that, when she told her that she lost her identity when she married Lenny, it really stuck with her. When she was younger, finding her independence was extremely important to her. She literally worked 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Literally? Are you sure? Because unless you were on a giant meth bender, I think you mean you were metaphorically working 24/7. Call me a stickler for details, but I call ’em like I see ’em. However, the point here is that she invited the girls to her office today to help Lisa explore what she’s passionate about so she can have something for herself. I am impressed Lea. I think women should support other women’s success in this man-centric business world. Lisa says her passion is fitness and nutrition. She wants to be her own person and not just Lenny’s wife. Good on ya sister. I hope you do it.
OK, enough of the sisters doin’ it for themselves talk. It’s time to gossip about Karent & Rudolfo. Apparently, Rudolfo told Karent that the whole public kissing incident was for PR. It’s not real. And apparently, Karent believed it. Oh lady, you must be joking. You really can’t see through that? Really? Well, if love is blind, Karent is Stevie Wonder.
We Are Family
And speaking of Stevie, here is Karent taking care of dad. Aw, sweet thing really doesn’t look well. I really hope he gets well soon. As she leaves dad to nap, she catches up with mom who is really having a hard time coping with the events of the last week. Besides her husband being ill, it seems Rudolfo has called her 3 times to ask her to tell Karent that the photos are just publicity. Way to be sensitive, Rudolfo. Karent has been ignoring Rudolfo’s calls because she is too busy taking care of dad to deal with him. She’s known about these publicity stunts in the past, but this one she was unaware of which is why it caught her off-guard. Oh honey, you really don’t get it, do you? None of them have been for publicity. Even mom gets it. She doesn’t believe him at all and says no man is trustworthy after they do something bad. Karent says she just needs to focus on one thing at a time and right now that’s her dad. I agree that dad is far more important than that snake of a man, but avoiding it under cover of dad’s illness isn’t going to make it go away. Focus on dad, yes. But cut the cord with Rudolfo now.
Don’t Drool On The Expensive Sheets
Lisa brings Daysy home to take care of her. Whoa, how drugged up is this chick? Take the morphine down a few cc’s there, doc. The girl can’t even keep her head up. I know you want a baby but giving your maid the neck strength of a newborn isn’t the best way to go about it. But it’ll help her sleep so she’s no bother to them while they look at the plans for their new dream manse. Baby room? Check. Baby making? Scheduled. Lisa’s new positive attitude? Ready.
Another Empty Promise
I guess the suspense finally got to Karent enough to Skype with Rudolfo. We join in just in time to hear her letting him off the hook, yet again. It’s not his fault he didn’t tell her about this PR stunt, because he travels so much. Yes, it is so hard these days to find ways to communicate while abroad. I mean if only they made a portable device that allowed you to keep in touch with people no matter where you are in the world… Some day, Karent. Some day.
Now that Rudolfo has Karent (aka: a guaranteed bed in Miami for him) back on his side, he figures it might not hurt to add a little more fuel to the fire by saying that this is all on the girls. They’re the ones that are to blame for being gossipy and he’s going to put a stop to it when he’s back. Yes, they were being gossipy but they were also right. And he’s not going to put a stop to anything when he’s back. This guy is as phony as the characters he plays on TV. I don’t know how her skin doesn’t physically crawl when he talks to her, especially when he refers to himself in the third person. For a good looking guy, he is really ugly.
It’s The End Of The Show As We Know It
It’s time for Marysol’s anniversary party and our last visit with the girls. Lisa, Joanna, Marta & Karent are having a drink when Joanna asks when Rudolfo is coming back. Karent gives a shrug, which Joanna takes as being in denial. That was the sign that your friend’s in denial? You’re quick. But Joanna, the good friend that she is, thinks it’s her responsibility to shine the bright light of truth on the situation by saying that he should be there telling the world the she’s his only woman. Well, I agree there. She also wonders if Karent would move on if she found someone else. Karent says when she’s with someone, she’s with them only. Period. Yeah, too bad you’re not with someone that shares that philosophy. Might want to work that into the equation. Lisa asks the question about moving on if Karent met someone interesting again expecting a different answer. I guess she’s never heard Einstein’s definition of insanity. But before Marta can ask the same question for the third time, Philippe arrives and everyone’s attention turns to that nugget of gossip. Squirrel! Oh Karent couldn’t be more excited to change the subject and goes on a tear about what she knows. Deflect! Deflect! Deflect!
Ana’s daughters are thinking about moving to New York, which is scary for Ana but also a relief to see them doing so well. Their moving will only make her have to take stock of her life – her house, her relationship, etc. Yep, the winds of change are blowing like a hurricane through your world right now.
In a show of good will, Lea shows up to the party. Neither she nor Marysol expects the other will ever be in their circle of trust again, but they’re happy to share their healing holes with each other. Bam! Got it in just under the wire. Joanna tells Lea that she & Romain are finally getting married. Everyone’s happy except for Marta. She’s still not 100% convinced. Lady, get over yourself. He’s marrying your sister. Not you. Yes, it would be lovely if you got along, but he isn’t beholden to catering to your whims. You’re lucky to have a free place to live. Be grateful and move on. Adriana lets everyone know that she too is having a spring wedding and immediately she & Joanna start to wrestle. No no, their friendship is all good now and they even joke about a double wedding. Yeah, I’m gonna say that this lovefest is going to last until the reunion next week.
All the wedding talk comes to an end as Elaine shows up for some drag fun. Ah yes, nothing says forgiveness like a paying gig. Good call, Marysol. Write a little check to guarantee yourself some peace. At least for a little while.
Lisa: She designed her new home with lots of baby rooms because of her new positivity.
Lea: She is writing a tell-all book about Miami for which Marysol will not be doing the PR. Another Housewife book deal! I wonder how long before there’s an actual Housewives section at Barnes & Noble. And I wonder how long after that all the books are listed at half off.
Marysol: She has no time for love but Elsa thinks she’ll wed again… and again. Yep, tuna on rye.
Adriana: She is planning her wedding and future life on a boat. Hmmm, so if she’s out at sea then she couldn’t possibly be on the next season, right? Well, then I say, “Bon voyage, fair maiden of the sea!”
Ana: Ana is coping with being a divorcee and still doing Robert’s laundry. You gotta be kidding me.
Karent: Well, smack my ass and call me Sally! Karent actually broke up with Rudolfo. Mazel tov, lady. I guess you can teach an old dog new tricks… not that I’m calling her old… or a dog… What say you Joanna?
Joanna: Joanna & Romain have take a break. A collective cheer roars through the houses of single women everywhere. However, don’t get too excited ladies. Everywhere you turn, there’s press that they’re back together. Maybe she was angling for a pair of earrings to go with the ring & necklace.
Rachel: Well, this season wasn’t as painful as the first, but I can’t say it was good enough to vault them out of last place for me. The reunion will be interesting. From the previews, it looks like they actually spent some cash to film at a location this time instead of shoving them into the WWHL set on some bar stools. That’s already a step forward.