One Sentence Summary: Not even a Gone With the Wind twirl can keep paradise from getting ugly when the Housewives are around.
Rachel: I’m so happy! It’s the first full episode of RHOA without Kim. That alone almost makes having to deal with Kenya tonight bearable. Almost. What’s helping that is knowing that she’s about to get her ass whooped by Porsha. Well, I don’t know if it’s actually whooped, but I’m sure as shit hoping. Is that wrong? Well, if it is, I don’t want to be right. So let me top off this glass of wine, settle in and get some Anguilla on.
Melissa: UGH, I’m the Winey Bitch from Slackerville this week. Sorry friends but the day job ran me through this week. Anywho, we’re back with the ATL ladies and fresh(-ish) off the presses… we have some dets from one of our favorite bloggers The Really Real Atlanta Housewife on the whole Kenya / Walter business. Seems they are as much of a couple as Kenya and I are… hey now! Is there nothing sacred in Reality TV?? Check it out for yourself: http://blogs.ajc.com/radio-tv-talk/2012/12/10/kenyas-boyfriend-tells-v-103s-frank-wanda-it-was-fake/
Backup Birthday Plan
Melissa’s What Happened: Back in Anguilla the party rages on, and by rage I mean Phaedra’s boiling point with Kenya hitting on her hubs. That’s right Phedra, tell her to keep a steppin away from your man. NeNe thinks Kenya and Water’s relationship smells funny… Well, we all know now it smells like like the 20 something he has back home. I’m with you Phaedra, that ain’t cool. Thankfully Greg gets the crew to leave and head out for the night so we don’t have a beat down. Though I’d pay money to watch Phaedra take her earrings out and go to town on Kenya. Hell, I’d do full on Pay-Per-View party for that.
Rachel: Oh here we go back to the inappropriate questions. Man, Kenya is so desperate and I guess no one ever told her it was a stinky cologne. And she is odiferous right now. In fact, even NeNe just said it doesn’t smell good. See, we’re all on the same page here. And don’t even be pissing off my girl, Phaedra. Wait, is Kenya offended by NeNe asking an inappropriate question right after she asked Apollo which friends of Phaedra’s she’d sleep with? No filter and no boundaries.
Melissa’s What Happened: So, I’m not sure what happened there with the group going out, but Greg is now manning the grill and cooking for the crew. Porsha and Cynthia catch up on the day and Porsha fills Cynthia in on the drop it like it’s hot booty shake Kenya laid on Peter. Yeah, it was a drop and booty shake. I mean I was looking around for the pole after that move there.
Rachel: Damn, those kabobs look good. How did Cynthia not see Kenya booty dancing with Peter. She was right there. She’s just mad because it’s been brought up. Not that I’m condoning dropping it like it’s hot on someone else’s man…
Melissa’s What Happened: Peter decides to take business into his own hands and wants to do up a wedding to Cynthia without her family running interference and stirring the pot of drama soup. I have to say, I love this idea of his. It’s so sweet. I’m loving this dinner, but could to without the image of Cynthia going into the third shift with Peter. Really, I mean I get these are your friends, but there’s no need for that now! Oh boy, Phaedra most definitely isn’t going into the hot tub now that Kandi and Todd christened it for the group. For real, I’m completely boycotting the pools of sex business. Not that I’m a prude, but like Phaedra said, you go in end up getting preggers and it looks like your friend’s hubs. That’s an odd conversation if there ever was one. Meanwhile, all the talk of sex is making Walter tired. I’m thinking he hopes to beg off from the group to make sure he’s “sleeping” before Kenya comes to the room and makes him fake whoopee sounds so the rest of the group thinks they’re hitting the third shift too. No, in a bizarre twist I couldn’t see, he wants her to come with him and she’s hoping there’s a knee drop. I’m no psychic or anything, but I’m seeing some disappointment in her future. Yeah, I can talk smack because let’s face it, she’s talking out of her ass. I mean really.
Rachel: Wait, Peter is just inviting all the guys to the vow renewal? Was there an option to leave them behind?
Is it just me or is Walter so clearly not interested in being involved in anything happening around him? I’m starting to think the rumors about him being with Kenya just for the show are true. And I can’t help but laugh that she thinks she’s getting engaged tonight. He looks like all he wants to do is sleep and you’re dreaming of diamond rings. Seems I’m not alone in the line of questioning. No one is buying their story.
If he likes it he’ll put a ring on it
Melissa’s What Happened: HA, Walter sharing the surprise with Kenya, what a priceless face! Always a bridesmaid lady. It’s not going to be your time Kenya, not now… not for a long time.
Rachel: Wait, why did Walter have to pull her aside to tell her about the vow renewal? Couldn’t he just tell her in their room. Now you’re just messing with Kenya’s head… Not that I’m mad at it.
Prep and Polish
Melissa’s What Happened: I have to say, NeNe on most days annoys the hell out of me, but well, she’s growing on me. Why? For starters, she’s not Kim. That’s some crazy points right there!! Plus, I have to say I really respect her for wanting to keep Cynthia in the dark about what’s going down and the importance. I also like that she’s the only one who is voicing her opinion on the odd vibe with Walter and Kenya. You are right to suspect my dear. Suspect on. She continues on making sure Kenya can be serious and not cheat on Walter. Kenya tells us she’s not going to run off to LA if things don’t work out with Walter (pitty) because her life and family are in ATL now.
NeNe points out the obvious that Porsha and Miss America are finally getting along and both ladies agree that it’s left back in Atlanta… For when they get home. So as the ladies continue on getting prepped and polished for the renewal, one of the folks keeping the house shows up for champagne time. Oh hell yeah, that’s the place I want to say. Keep your afternoon tea and show me some champers time!!
Melissa’s What Happened: So Cynthia plans a day of pampering for the folks at the finest spa on the island for some massages as NeNe fusses over being on an outside bed and not wanting to take her bra off? Um, didn’t you do that for a living and now you don’t want to remove it to get a massage? What’s wrong with you woman? So NeNe brings Kandi into the chat about Todd and their future as Kenya plots how she can turn the conversation to her own would-be engagement plans. Kenya tells the ladies they have been talking about eloping and marriage. Yes, in that she talks about it and he ignores her. She knows how to get a ring and she’s had 6 proposals and NeNe tells her she doesn’t see them as a couple. Yeah, well I’m thinking his girlfriend is in agreement with you there woman. Kenya decides to try to straighten NeNe with a little he’s got my back, I’ve got his approach that he’s not out in the street looking for action that he’s a good father and what they have is normal for them. She’s got it handled and doesn’t give a f*ck what anyone else thinks. Yeah, stick with that story for now Kenya.
Rachel: How is NeNe trying to get massaged while fully clothed? Loosen up girl or move over and give me your spot. And NeNe is killing me with her openly not believing that Kenya & Walter are in a real relationship. Too bad Kenya doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do. And why are you bragging that you’ve had 6 proposals? That’s not something to be proud of. How do you get to the point of letting 6 different men propose before you realize the relationship isn’t right? OK, NeNe’s shtick was funny. Now, it’s getting old. Just let Kenya have her fantasy and the rest of the women have a peaceful massage.
The Build Up
Melissa’s What Happened: So the men went ahead of the ladies to get the business set up on the island leaving the ladies to get Cynthia to her renewal. NeNe starts trying to distract Cynthia with talk of what they’re going to do at the island while rubbing her feet with lotion.
Rachel: I kinda love the idea of a surprise vow renewal. By the way, I keep almost typing vowel. OK, I don’t know who of the guys just almost fell off the boat but I rewound that a few times. Ha. Someone falling down… never not funny.
Melissa’s What Happened: Meanwhile on the island, the stage is being set for a lovely ceremony while Cynthia tries to figure out where they’re going. Peter goes over last minute plan with Simone who apparently owns the island. Good on you Simone, we should hang out some time. Anyway, Peter just wants a perfect day to make up for the nightmare of their wedding. Cynthia is on spy alert looking at what’s happening and not quite figuring it out. As the ladies are escorted to their seats Cynthia still wonders what’s going on – once again giving models a bad name. Cynthia asks NeNe where the prime minister is that they’re supposed to be seeing and can’t believe Peter arranged for their renewal ceremony. Tears flow as they talk about their first wedding until NeNe brings the new rings and they get to work with the “with this ring… “ business. Yay, it’s official, they’re married… Again. OK, didn’t need to see old man Peter tongueing Cynthia. NeNe catches the bouquet and Greg is thrilled thinking it’s go-time for them to get back together. While Kenya is happy for Cynthia she can’t help but wonder why it can’t be her ceremony. Um, it’s because your man doesn’t really want to marry you my dear. To finish off the evening, they launch their wish lanterns. Ironically Kenya’s won’t even try to float. Sadly, neither will Kandi’s.
Rachel: Aw, this is really cute. Who knew Peter had it in him. I guess he proved us all wrong. I’m actually a little misty. If anyone wants to throw me a surprise wedding, I won’t be against it. Then again, the groom would have to be a surprise at this point too. Man, how mad is Kenya that it’s not her wedding? And how much madder is he that she didn’t catch the bouquet… which is lucky for Walter who would have found himself standing at the alter. I’m with you, Kandi. If my lantern crashed, I wouldn’t be very happy. That’s a bad omen.
Kenya, Miss USA if You’re Nasty
Melissa’s What Happened: Back at the house the ladies sit around sipping some wine… Hmmm… I should drink with them. Seems rude not to right? NeNe asks about the vow renewal to get the ladies talking about Peter’s sensitive side so they can ooh and ahh. Truth be told, I’d do the same if I were there. Of course as all housewives vacations go, they can’t just let things slide and Porsha jumps in to talk about how Kenya changed on the trip and how she acted like a complete bitch before. Kenya tells her sometimes people need to warm up to people and get to know them better. NeNe the pot stirrer asks just what happened with the ladies to start them off on a bad foot. Oh here we go, Miss America is going to get all diva on us again. Porsha shares that she wanted to invite Kenya to the event for her grandfather’s charity, not as the honored guest, but as a guest amongst many of the strong women of Atlanta. She tells Kenya she acted like she was better than the event and how she went into a complete child-like snit for being called Miss America. Fine, child-like snit was mine. Kenya tries to claim she’s over the situation but in a hot second she turns on Porsha for being called a non-factor. Here we go! The back and forth continues along the “don’t disrespect me”, “no, I don’t care, don’t you disrespect me” lines until Kenya tells Porsha to grow up. In a genius play by Porsha she calls Kenya a Miss 40 year old. HA! So now we know Kenya is 40 and Fabulous as she declares to Porsha who rebuts calling her a hoot rat. You know I’m just waiting for the wine or a fist to fly. the cat fight continues with Kenya claiming to make Porsha relevant (not sure how that works), and Porsha calling her trash.
As the ladies try to step in, Kenya tries to go for the throat calling Porsha a dumb little cheerleader. Um Kenya, clearly you need to work on your cut-downs. NeNe tries to drag Kenya away from the argument, and you know it’s bad when NeNe calls you coo-coo. Without proper monitoring… Yeah, I blame you Cynthia for taking your eye off her… Porsha storms back for part two of the second dumbest fight ever. Yes, I reserve the dumbest fight for the Winey Bitches refusing to speak to each other for 20 years. Anywho, the fight continues with the ladies doing the hold me back arms flailing streaming back and forth about who is relevant and who is a bitch and who needs to let their diva go. Oy, I’m about done with this whole silliness. Where the hell are the menfolk to break things up? Clearly they are smart enough to keep themselves hid until the ladies slip off their high horses. Oh now there wasn’t a “no, you’re stupid”. Come on ladies, you can do better than that. Kenya doesn’t think anyone is allowed to call anyone a tramp and she’ll go Detroit on anyone who calls her such. Wait, did cray-cray just say she’s Gone With The Wind fabulous with a snap?? I think that’s going to be my 2013 motto… Gone With the Wind fabulous.
Rachel: Can I just have a moment to discuss Kenya’s hair color? What on earth is with those calico cat patches? Is that the new ombre? I sure hope not because I can’t hang with that. That happened on my head back in college but it was from an attempt at dying my hair that went totally wrong. Very traumatic. Very.
Rachel: Pretty much that fight was a draw. Equal parts crazy. But Kenya might have the edge with her Gone With The Wind twirl.
Melissa: It always amazes me that Housewives manage to ruin paradise, At least Kandi “slept” through it all.