One Sentence Summary: The “Brandi Bomb” fallout continues but the heat comes from an unexpected source.
Rachel: So it’s begun… The war between Brandi & Adrienne is on. Makes the little tiff between her & Lisa at the beginning of the season look tame, no? As you all know, I don’t really like to overexert myself and look things up online, but I was so curious to see if anyone had cracked the “silent but deadly” bomb that Brandi dropped last week at Sur. There was a lot of guessing but not a lot of information. All I know is that if there is this much cover-up and secrecy around something a Housewife said, then it must have been pretty ruthless. I mean think about all the daggers these women have thrown at each other over the course of this franchise… From the days of Teresa flipping tables in NJ to Tamra and her vendetta against Gretchen in the OC to our favorite dinner ever with crazy psychic Allison Dubois at Camille’s on the first season, there is very little that is out of bounds. So, I gotta think this was a doozy. Even with my current feelings about Adrienne not being super positive, she doesn’t deserve to have Brandi outing her in such a self-serving, bitchy way. I have tried really hard to like Brandi and keep trying to make excuses for her because I felt like she means no harm. I no longer feel that way. Now, I just kinda think she’s a bitch… which is partially why I deigned to watch the E! interview with Leann Rimes this weekend. While I still don’t condone the cheating, I can no longer say that I necessarily blame Eddie for getting the hell away from that toxicity. Anyway, I’m wine-less tonight as I donated platelets today and it makes me kinda woozy if I drink. So, it’s all raw me tonight. I suggest you buckle up for the ride.
Rachel: We go back to the end of last week’s fight with Adrienne & Paul tossing their parting words at Brandi as they exit. Those left to piece together what just happened are shocked and confused. None more than
Brandi Taylor. Seriously, she looks like she’s about to pass out. Oh, what is your drama now, woman? Not enough storyline for you this year so you’re going to create one? How is this remotely about you?
Meanwhile, Kyle goes after Kim and wants to know why she would choose to tell Adrienne in the middle of Mauricio’s business party. That is the question of the night. She says that she felt like it was only fair for Adrienne to know since everyone else did. Have these people never heard of the phone? And Kim, you’re supposed to be making better decisions now. This does not qualify as one. Man, I’d be furious if I were Kyle… or Mauricio.
And speaking of the man of the hour, he is, not surprisingly, unhappy with what just went down. However, Brandi’s friend mistakes Mauricio’s unhappiness as being targeted toward Adrienne & Paul. Not so much. He’s also blaming Brandi for starting it all by opening her pie hole at Sur. Taylor, because this involves her, says that the real issue is that Paul got in a woman’s face and called her a “bitch”. She knows Mauricio would never do that. Mauricio isn’t sure what he’d do, but he’s sure that’s not the issue here. Yeah, the issue is that that scene you crazies started in the middle of his party which could have cost him clients. Brandi does manage to apologize for what happened. Yeah, well, awesome. That makes it better. Maybe just ignoring Paul and diffusing the situation instead of throwing gas on the fire would have been helpful. I wonder what part of Brandi’s brain makes her think that she can say whatever she wants, whenever she wants, and it will all go away if she looks incredulous at the insinuation that she did something wrong & then flips out an “I’m sorry.” Of course, that’s assuming she has a brain. I’m not sure.
Back over in the Richardson sisters’ corner, Camille has joined and is so confused about how the Brandi-Adrienne friendship has gone so badly so quickly. Kim feels like tonight’s drama is all Paul’s fault for handling it the way he did. And Kyle’s just pissed that all of her husband’s clients got a tirade of f-bombs with their martinis. I don’t blame her. She questions Kim’s judgement. We all questions Kim’s judgement. Kim, however, defends herself to Camille because wouldn’t she want to know if someone was talking about her. Camille agrees. Great, Camille. Why you gotta encourage the cray? Sorry, I just can’t get behind gossiping and starting fights at a friend’s business event because you can’t hold your tongue for a few hours. Or because you couldn’t be bothered to pick up a phone any time in the last 24 hours. Or because your own personal needs were more important that those of the people hosting your stupid ass… and I include Paul, Adrienne & Brandi in that last one as well.
Kyle rejoins the party and Taylor immediately has to tell her how upset Paul’s reaction made her. Kyle tells us in her one-on-one that it’s not about her. Thank you. What did I just say? And now Taylor is using this to bring up Camille’s outing her last season. Didn’t we move past this? How desperate are you for airtime, Taylor? Besides, you were the one talking about the abuse in the first place. On camera! And now it’s in a book for the whole world to read so why are you being precious about it now? Not to mention that you ladies all signed up to have cameras follow you around and share your lives with the world. Did you think you could cherry pick the storylines? Don’t answer.
Wait, so now Kyle rolls up on Brandi to bawl her out for gossiping in the first place? Sweet Fancy Moses, Kyle! How stupid are you? Did you not just yell at your sister for causing a scene not 5 minutes ago? So why on earth are you now picking a fight with Brandi and causing a scene? Take her inside and deal or let it go until tomorrow. But hey, at least you can throw Kim under the bus again. What a band of idiots. Now I know why I drink wine when I watch this… It’s painful sober. I’m about to rip the top off a bottle with my teeth just to get the sweet medicine into my body quickly.
A Spot Of Tea
Lisa’s installing massive iron gates in front of her home to keep out the riff-raff when her friend Martin strolls up. I wonder if he watches this show and thinks to himself how lucky he was to dodge the Kim bullet. Anyway, he asks how Ken is doing and it turns out he’s your typical male – a terrible patient.
And there’s the patient now, ringing his wife and asking why she hasn’t brought him his tea yet. He also wants to know if there are any of his biscuits left. Seems someone ate them all while he was in the hospital. Ha, the biscuit bandit strikes again! I have to say, I love that they’re your typical married couple when it comes to the everyday squabbles like this. The best part is that he tells Martin that he loves to wind Lisa up as he calls her and demands his tea not be so strong. When Lisa does come in to attend to her husband, she is carrying a beautiful bouquet of flowers from Brandi. Well look at that, an actual classy move.
Kim goes with her daughters to take pilates. What’s with the Incredible Hulk sitting behind the tiny reception desk? Anyone else find that awkward & off-putting? Anywho, Kim tells us that the blow-up yesterday was, in all actuality, Kyle’s fault for asking Brandi about Adrienne in the first place, when they were at Sur. Well yes, technically she did give the pot its first stir. But you, Kim, brought it to a boil.
While doing donkey kicks and other moves I’m not interested in experiencing with Kim, she tells that she’s going to Vegas with her son for his 21st birthday. Uh, first off, I didn’t know Kim had a son. Second, I’m going to say that I think it’s a monumentally bad idea that Kim go to Las Vegas. But Kim has meetings set up so she won’t slip. And she doesn’t want to let her daughters down. Yeah, I’m not feeling good about this.
Uninviting Is Classless
Mauricio would like to sit down with his wife and have a little chat. She tells him she’s having the girls over for dinner tomorrow to show off her new dining room. When she says Brandi is one of those girls, Mauricio’s lip goes all Billy Idol in disgust. He says he thinks she’s disgusting and her comments were uncalled for. She’s a liar and a gossip girl and he can’t believe she’s inviting her. Kyle says she can’t just call Brandi and tell her she’s uninvited. Um, except that you can, actually. There is a way to handle it tactfully, though I recognize that that’s not something normally in your consideration set. Besides, your hubby, who rarely makes a peep about your friends’ idiotic shenanigans, is asking you not to bring her into your home. I’m thinking you might want to listen. But she defends Brandi because Brandi said she feels badly about what happened. Mauricio says she always does, but she has no filter and says whatever she wants then feels bad the next day. It’s bullshit. Go, Mauricio! But Kyle isn’t backing down, which means Mauricio will, because uninviting people isn’t classy and they’re not going to stoop to that level. Puh-leeze. The drama that is created when you make bad decisions, like putting Adrienne & Brandi at the same table, is what is not classy… especially when you know it’s coming and still do nothing to prevent it. Ack, I give up.
Oh look, it’s the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick having lunch with Kyle. Yes, thanks to Camille, that is now & forever Faye’s official name. Kyle tells her that she’s having a dinner party “Friday” for the girls. Wait, wasn’t the dinner party “tomorrow” when you were talking to Mauricio? Oh, am I not supposed to notice those little editing blips? So sorry. Go on…
Kyle has a dilemma… Brandi & Adrienne. I assume I don’t have to spell this out for you guys, right? Faye doesn’t like Brandi to begin with, and she feels like Brandi is just a mean girl who says things designed to cut people deeply. This is true. But we’re no closer here to figuring out what to do about the party situation than when this scene started…. so thanks for that?
OK, I’m just calling out filler and promo scenes for what they are. Last scene, filler. This scene, promo.
Scheana (who spells their name like that?) drops some food by Lisa’s moments before Brandi comes and we are reminded of the drama that befalls servers in a restaurant. You know, so we’re all amped up to watch Vanderpump Rules. We get it guys. We do. I swear. January 7th. Got it. Noted. Moving on…
Oh wait, we’re not moving on. Scheana wants to talk to Brandi about what went down. Lisa says please not now. Apparently, the mere mention of it is all the promo she needs at the moment. But thanks for the foreshadowing.
Fountain Of Youth
Oh right, Yolanda. Totally forgot she was on the show for a minute there. Let’s see what she’s up to… working out of course. In her house. And not in a gym, just in the house. On the stairs. Next to the pool table…. although hello Dr. Dale. The teeth are a little too white, but he could work me out anytime. Or maybe I just need to get out more. That could be it. Wait, that dude is 57 years old? Shut the front door? That’s bananas. Maybe Yolanda is right about exercise being the fountain of youth. That or he has the best plastic surgeon in the world.
Usually, Yolanda works out with David because they need to stay in shape for each other. They got married late so they have to live a long time… at least long enough for her to last longer than the other wives. Ha, nice. I will give it to her. She has an amazing body. Bitch.
Brandi shows up at Lisa’s and gives her a rundown of the bruhaha at Mauricio’s party. Brandi says she feels badly about what she said, but Adrienne & Paul have treated her so badly and no one knows that. Lisa wants to understand why she keeps saying that. Exactly what have they done? Yeah, enlighten us, beyond the stupid Twitter squabble.
Seems she thinks that they’re selling stories to the tabloids about her. Hmm… Wonder how Lisa, who was incensed at such an accusation, will react… She is curious how Brandi knows it’s them when it could be a million other people. Yeah, I imagine you’ve got quite a bit of scorched earth behind you there, Brandi. But Brandi says that Adrienne accused her of partying too hard and then the story showed up on Radar the next day. That’s too coincidental for Brandi. Honey, anyone at that party listening to the screaming could have done a dial-up on that for a quick buck.
Lisa says she’s in a good place with Adrienne though she is indifferent towards her. She sees who she is now. So does that mean you believe Brandi’s story? Lisa says it will pass and Brandi shouldn’t let it eat her up, but Brandi is scared of the power that the Maloof-Nassifs have in that town. And she has a lot of information on them so if they keep coming at her, she’ll fire back and it will be bad. Lisa thinks it already is. Brandi says it can get a lot worse. Hmm… let’s see. You opening your mouth about shit you shouldn’t keeps getting you in trouble. You’re scared to get in more trouble. So you’re response is to threaten to tell more shit? How dumb are you? No need to answer. The funny thing is that this is all so close to becoming a non-issue since Adrienne & Paul are about to be too busy blasting each other in the press to give a rat’s ass about Brandi.
Oh boy, another dinner party. But at least this time they have a proper cheese plate. This makes me happy. And I don’t know what a bloody ginger pomegranate drink is, but I’d be happy to help myself to one.
Conversation is awkward as the night starts with everyone talking about height. Then we move on to talk about kids and are treated to an awkward shot of Kyle’s friend Marisa’s chest. Uh, what was that and why? OK, maybe I prefer drama because this is painful.
Finally, time for dinner. I miss good dinner parties. I need to throw one. My friend’s in LA were all about the dinner party. Not so much out here in the FLA. Don’t know why. Need to rectify that. Sorry… massive tangent there.
Someone asks where Yolanda is and Kyle says she is out of town at Donna Summer’s funeral. Kim is not there because of her weekend in Vegas with her son, which we find out, is a ritual for the Richardson sisters. They take all their kids to Vegas for their 21st birthdays together, but this time Kyle didn’t get the invite. Faye tells her not to get her feelings hurt. It wasn’t intentional. Yeah, I’m gonna beg to differ here. Methinks it was straight-up intentional. Kim is definitely on a mission to make Kyle pay for whatever she has in her head that Kyle did to her. And we all know why Adrienne isn’t there. Brandi says she told Kyle that she’d take a pass if it was going to be a problem, because they’re closer friends with Adrienne than with her. Wait, she gave you an out, Kyle, and you didn’t take it? Well, that was dumb.
Marisa, who is new to all this nonsense, asks what’s going on. Can open. Worms everywhere. Brandi says she has a lot of issues with Adrienne because she compulsively lies. She doesn’t really have a book deal. Kyle says she does. Faye asks if someone is out there investigating this. STFU, Faye. That’s an asinine thing to say. Brandi goes on to say that Adrienne is competitive with her. She stole her thunder about her book deal. She has a gazillion dollars and she probably just bought a book deal. Oh for the love of all things holy, Brandi! Can you not get out of your own way? Why do you need to launch into all of this again? Just say you said something you shouldn’t have and it got back to Adrienne. End of story. But no, you just march right back into the line of fire just in time for Faye, who has been waiting for this moment, to take aim.
Faye says that she would like to know what exactly Adrienne did to Brandi. OK, now you’re just stoking the fire at your best friend’s dinner. You know exactly what went down and now you’re starting something for your own entertainment, which is gross. Brandi says that Adrienne has just treated her really badly. Faye says that she can’t just make blanket accusations like that. This, of course, does not signal to Brandi to drop the subject. This signals to her to go into more detail. How does no one step in and just stop the hemorrhaging? If this were my table, I’d tell them the conversation was over or they can finish it outside. But I also have a low threshold for bullshit.
Here comes the Lisa story… Yes, let’s drag someone else into it. Lisa, who also realizes what’s going on with Faye, also wonders about Faye’s intentions. But it’s Brandi that actually asks her why she’s so interested in this. Faye says it’s because she & Adrienne have been friends for 25 years. Then she tells Brandi that she should be “the bigger girl” and call Adrienne to apologize. Bigger girl? You’re not talking to a toddler (though certain behavior would indicate otherwise). I am about to fly through the TV and bitch slap Faye into next week.
And now everyone’s involved. Kyle says Brandi should send flowers. Lisa thinks that ridiculous. Kyle thinks Lisa just doesn’t like Adrienne and then there’s a lot of noise. I actually don’t even care what they’re saying because it’s so insane how they behave. But basically Brandi isn’t sending flowers. Period. Then, according to the Morally Corrupt Faye Resnick (MCFR heretoforth), Brandi must not actually be sorry. Seriously what a beatch!
Brandi says none of this is Faye’s business. The issue is between she and Adrienne. MCFR says it’s everyone’s business. Grrr… Marisa says she agrees with Brandi. Finally, a sane voice in the room! But that doesn’t stop MCFR from telling Brandi that she’s mean, cruel and needs a lot of attention. And, as if that weren’t enough, she keeps going and going and going until Brandi has had enough and leaves. Wow, you’re an awful person, MCFR. Plain awful. That was you being desperate for attention. I just hope the “shit” that just came out of Kyle’s mouth is because she is super pissed at her friend’s behavior. I mean just when I think you can’t see anything more appalling on this show, MCFR shows up.
Rachel: Again, I’m not interesting in defending Brandi anymore. She creates her own drama at this point. However, the was Faye treated her was absolutely below the belt and mean-spirited. Pretty much everything she accused Brandi of being, she just exemplified. Please can we be done with her?