One Sentence Summary – Lines are drawn and you’re either for GG or you’re MJ.
Rachel: Man, my GG headache is just starting to go away and here we are ready for another round. I just hope that everyone actually means it this time when they say they’re done with her drama. Lord knows I am. Like I said last week, it’s no longer cute, though I’m loathe to think that it’s ever been cute. I’m always fascinated how parents can raise one daughter to be a responsible, successful adult and the other to be an asshole. Seriously, how does that happen? I honestly think GG might need some meds. A nice Prozac-Valium cocktail to start would be good. Well, we know that Reza draws a line in his friendship with MJ tonight. Does GG get the official ax too? Let’s find out.
Rachel: Damn, let’s stop talking about Omid’s huge nose and start talking about his huge house. Yeah, I think I could learn to love the hyena laugh too in a spread like that. No wonder GG locked that down so quickly.
The boys – Omid, Mike, Ebi (Mike’s Friend) & John (GG’s brother-in-law) – are hanging out and discussing GG’s zero-to-crazy in 60 seconds insanity at Asa’s party. No one in that room thought it was cute either. But before they can get too deep, MJ shows up with her dogs. What’s with the pink jumpsuit, MJ? Also not cute. When asked her take on the shenanigans, she says she sides with GG because Asa was being rude. Mike tries to explain to her that GG was “mostly” in the wrong and that everyone knows this except her. Yeah, you’re backing the way wrong horse here, MJ. Maybe you can take GG to see Dr. Harry with you and do a little two-for-one therapy.
In another part of town, Reza & Asa are also recapping the crazy as they go hiking, though Asa’s pants look more like she’s ready to go clubbing. But hey, I’m sure they offer lots of ventilation on a hot day. Reza tells her that he had to leave the party yesterday because he was hungry and there was no food. Who has a party that size with no food? I’d have been right there with you, friend. All that booze and nothing to soak it up with is bad news. Just ask GG. Anyway, Asa tells Reza how GG went ape shit and attacked her, which is funny because she can break her in two like a crispy cracker. My 8 year old nephew could break her in half like a crispy cracker. Reza thinks it’s crazy that 30-somethings can’t have an adult conversation without it resulting in physical violence. Exactly.
As we flip back to Omid’s, we hear MJ also flipping and saying that she’s no longer on GG’s side because it’s not ok to get violent. Wait, it took you 24 hours and Mike telling you to rethink your story to realize that GG trying to smack a bitch is wrong? Or are we just witnessing more of MJ siding with whoever she’s in the room with? I think it’s the latter. Mike apparently agrees with me because he tells MJ that instead of talking sense into her friend – Uh, I think we’re beyond sense with GG – she keeps taking sides and spinning things. See, you keep trying to play both sides against the middle and eventually you end up standing there alone.
Reza also agrees with me about MJ. He thinks her backing up GG is two kinds of crazy. Personally, I think it’s more like 10 kinds of crazy, but we can go with 2. Reza thinks MJ is a flip-flopper, but it’s really GG that he can no longer be around. Excellent, a space in his entourage just opened for me! Finally, GG’s done something that makes me happy! Reza thinks GG is like a venomous snake – you can care for it, feed it but eventually it will bite you. He also said snakes are pretty, but I’m no mood to give GG compliments.
And speaking of the snake, she shows up at Omid’s ready to start drinking all over again. No food, thank you. Just beer. Did you want to serve up a side of remorse with that? No? Oh, ok, except that your friends aren’t as willing to let your behavior at Asa’s party slide. MJ wants to know her thoughts on last night. Omid is more interesting in telling her how she behaved than asking her opinion on it. His take? GG acted like an asshole. Show of hands for those that agree. I’m now typing with one hand so I can raise my other one high. GG – and this is genius – says she’s tired of being the one that looks like the bad guy. Well, then stop being the bad guy. It’s really that simple. But no, not to her. See, the way she sees it, Asa got in her face and she just pushed her away. Uh, what alternate reality are you living in? You got in Asa’s face and she pushed you away. See those guys standing around holding all that heavy equipment on their shoulders? Those are cameramen. They take video of you so that when you tell bald faced lies like that, we can go back and fact check your shit. And guess what, it’s all shit.
Then she continues her self-righteous tirade about her behavior by saying that she has the right to defend her friends and from now on she’ll just toast to the fact that Asa looks like a transvestite who doesn’t do anything to change it. Oh GG, you just get more mature by the moment. Mike calls her out for that. But see, GG is a little protective dog who will do what it takes to defend the people she cares about. That’s who she is and if you don’t like it you can suck her dick. Yes, that is correct. Dick suckage. With that, Mike walks. I don’t blame him. She’s toxic. Completely toxic. And that’s never a good time.
Also walking away from the cray are Reza & Asa. They’re done with GG. She ruined last summer. She doesn’t get to ruin this summer. Can I get a “hell yeah”?!? Now we just need the producers at Bravo to be done with her too and all will be merry and bright.
OK, I have to give props where they’re due, and Lilly, they are due to you today. You seriously look flawless all the time. I am always amazed by women who have a job, but still are done head to toe 24 hours a day. That takes some serious effort and I’m honestly in awe of it. I don’t have the time nor the patience to make that happen. I mean if I didn’t have 17 jobs, maybe. But being that I’m just trying to make it in this world every day, you’re lucky if you so much as get lip gloss when you see me. And there’s no part of me that is getting up two hours early just to do my hair.
Anyway, Lilly has a photo shoot today for her swimwear line. She’s excited to have a real girl modeling her swimsuits today too. Now, normally this is where I go off on a rant that this girl isn’t “real” in the real world, but we are talking about swimsuit models, so the fact that this girl has any curves at all makes her a “real girl” model in this world. And honestly, her body is slamming. Ah, dare to dream.
Asa & Reza stop by to catch a glimpse of the action and see what Lilly’s biz is all about. Reza thinks these bathing suits are on a mission… A mission to find a sugar daddy, get their rent paid and screw over an ex. Ha, yes they are. They aren’t for the faint of heart. That’s for sure.
Lilly is excited about her line launching and wants to go out for a celebratory dinner with Reza & Asa. She would also like to invite MJ since she doesn’t feel like MJ gave her a fair chance during their first meeting. Oh honey, you’re not going to get one at the second either. But people who dislike Lilly are just a challenge to her. Well then, good luck, my friend. I wish you well on this journey.
Meanwhile, Reza is off inviting MJ who wants to know if she really is invited by Lilly or if it’s just Reza that is inviting her. Yeah, see… MJ’s got a pole up her ass about you, Lilly. You might want to find a different, more worthwhile challenge.
Asa In The Sky With Diamonds
Asa is still in a tight bind with her finances so it’s time for her to get her hustle on. Maybe you should get your shovel on and dig up that $30k of gold coins hiding under your front walk. But Asa has a dream. And that dream is to make her diamond water the most amazing exquisite water that has ever existed in the world. Uhhhh, okaaaay. And to make that dream happen, she’s meeting with Sean at Unix Water Bottling. Because nothing says exquisite like the word “Unix”.
She tells Sean about this vision of the most beautifully pure water that’s ever existed… diamond water. Yes Sean, diamond water. Sean doesn’t say much because he’s too busy biting his lip to keep from laughing. But when she says the water will be infused with real diamonds, he actually can’t help but let out a chuckle. Oh, but we’re not done folks. The water will also be infused with love energy. You can’t make this stuff up. I don’t know about you, but I don’t want diamonds in my body. Last I checked, even the finest diamond powder is used as an abrasive and I’m pretty sure my colon isn’t in need of a diamond cleanse. And if you’re just running water over diamonds and charging me $4 a bottle for that, I’ll pass on that too. As for the love energy, Asa would be in the bottling plant meditating and spreading her love energy over the water. He’s got to be thinking he’s in the middle of some elaborate prank right now, but he tells her that it’s doable anyway. Wait, what? You are actually telling her that you’d be willing to do this? Ohhhh…. I got it. She has to come up with the $50k – $100k investment to get it done, of which I’m sure a good portion goes into Unix’s pocket. Yeah, let the crazy chick waste her money.
GG’s dad has called a meeting with her and her sister Leila. Oh this should be good. What’s the over/under on how long it takes before GG blows her lid… again? Dad wants to figure out what’s going on with the hair extension business and to figure out how to get GG to do her tasks. Uh, they’re not tasks. It’s a job. Leila says she’s said everything she needs to say to her the last time they were together. All GG remembers her saying is that she needs to read her contract. Really? That’s all you got out of that conversation? Or is that all the information your pea brain can process at one time?
Leila then tells GG that’s it’s crazy to her that she doesn’t even know how much her product sells for. Why should GG know that? She’s just in charge of marketing and advertising! OH MY F**KING GOD! Are you serious, GG? You can’t really be this stupid in real life. This has to be for the show, right? How on earth do you market something you don’t know the price of?
Dad tries to diffuse the anger in the room, which actually makes me angrier. How are you not looking at your daughter and wanting to throttle her? Leila doesn’t need another 5 year old and GG doesn’t need another bitch. Well, this is going well. GG just wants to know what Leila wants her to do. Well, I think she already tried to tell you that. And you know, because it’s Leila’s job to teach GG how to not be a moron. But the bickering continues until GG says she’d like to cut her sister’s face with a knife right now. You know what, that’d be the last sentence that bitch ever uttered in my home. She’d have been bounced out on her skinny ass so fast. And please tell me that whatever possessed Leila to go into business with her in the first place, possessed her enough to make sure she had an easy out clause in her contract.
Not surprisingly, GG storms out screaming about suing her sister for breach of contract. Honey, you haven’t done jack so I’m pretty sure you’re in breach too. Meanwhile, Dad tells Leila that she has to find a way to communicate with GG. Leila can’t talk to someone that behaves that way. She called her a 5-year-old because she has a mommy & daddy that shop for her & pay her rent and enable her. Loving me some Leila right now. She’s so right. I bet GG would have a real quick attitude adjustment if she suddenly had to take care of herself. But considering she’s going from daddy’s payroll to Omid’s, that’s pretty much not gonna happen.
Time for dinner at Villa Blanca. Nice cross-promotion for one Ms. Lisa Vanderpump. Reza, Lilly & Asa are at dinner waiting for MJ so Reza decides to tell cute stories about him showering with MJ years ago. Seems MJ “bumped” into little Reza who shot to attention. Well, as everyone knows, no good can come from an erection going to waste, so they started having sex. This hurts my head. Not because Reza had sex with a girl, but because I just cannot picture him & MJ together… and I don’t really want to.
MJ finally decides to show up to dinner after drinks and appetizers have been ordered and consumed. Who does that? How do you think your time is so much more valuable then anyone’s else’s that you roll into dinner an hour late and don’t even apologize for it? And in case anyone missed the eff you to Lilly that was her late arrival, she drives the point home by sitting down and immediately interrogating her. Seems she googled Lilly after their first dinner and wants to know if Lilly put pictures of herself on her swimsuit website. She says no, that’s her partner. OK, well MJ has more weapons in her arsenal so don’t get too comfortable. Next up, does Lilly really tweetpictures of herself in lingerie? No. Ok, well not lingerie but she did take a picture of herself holding her dog against her bare breasts, right? Holy shit MJ, could you be a bigger bitch right now?
She says this is all part of the Persian vetting process. You don’t get to just roll right in to their group. You mean like Omid did? And let’s be frank, there is no part of this that is the Persian Protection Squad. This is 100% all Bitter Betty. Sorry MJ, your jealousy is showing. And to call Lilly holding her dog against her bare chest pet endangerment is just hilarious. You’re a mess, MJ. And to be honest, that bathing suit you had on last week, was human endangerment. So, we’re even.
But kudos to Lilly who takes it all like a lady and owns her picture. She also calmly tells MJ that it feels like she’s trying to dish it as an insult. And quite frankly, if she wants to tweet pictures of herself in lingerie she will. She might even do it later tonight. I love the nervous laughter from Reza that follows that statement. It screams, “Please stop before someone throws a drink.” But he does manage to sarcastically thank MJ for getting over the jealousy. HA. The look on MJ’s face was priceless. What? Is it obvious? Yeah, just a little.
Lilly tells MJ that it’s ok if she doesn’t like her after she gets to know her. They don’t have to be friends. And she’s not trying to take Reza from her. She couldn’t even if she tried. Yes, MJ agrees. Reza has little girl crushes and she just has to sit by and watch her “philandering husband” go off on his romps. So, you’re calling Lilly his latest whore? And Asa is one too? Wow, MJ that arrogance you rolled in wearing is one stinky perfume. Although it doesn’t help matters when Lilly uses the word “compliquated”. Oh Lilly, two steps forward, one step back.
OK, I’m not complaining but how is this show only halfway over. I’ve been typing for two hours. Granted, I have a bad habit of hitting the pause button and doing 17 things between scenes, but these shows tonight are a million hours long.
So, we’re headed into the office at 7:30am with Reza who is laser focused on his career. Then we hop over to MJ’s condo at 8:30am to find her greeting her eyelash technician. She is laser focused on keeping her personal life as important as work. This must be how Trump does it. Yeah, something tells me no. Though he clearly does like to make time for a spray tan. And even though MJ is working my nerves tonight, I will say that if you can live your life the way you want it by working the hours you choose, go for it. That’s success if you ask me. It’s only a problem if you’re in business with someone that sees it differently…. like Reza. Needless to say, we’re being set-up for the “Mike’s my new partner” confrontation.
Asa is hanging out with dad, playing a little backgammon (I think) and pontificating on life’s big mysteries. Will Asa be really rich in life? Dad says that money doesn’t buy happiness, which is his nice way of saying no. Asa tells us that her dad escaped the Iranian army but hasn’t worked in a while. He says he’s proud of his daughter because she is rich in her heart. Aw, I love dad. He’s awesome. And Asa knows that everything she has and can be is because her parents sacrificed everything to bring them to America. Her mother works 70 hour weeks to make $30k a year which has to support the whole family. Wow, that’s intense. Asa tells her she is a warrior and that she wants to help her take some of the weight off her shoulders. That’s pretty awesome. But maybe let’s find a plan for that which doesn’t include diamond water.
The Show Down
And here we go… Reza is in the office working at 9am and there is still no sign of MJ. This just solidifies Reza’s belief that Mike needs to come and work with him. He’s pretty much convinced the office manager that this needs to happen. I wonder if this new alliance with Mike counts as another one of Reza’s “romps”?
MJ finally rolls into the office at 12:15. She says she works from home so it’s not a big deal. Reza is annoyed so he insults her outfit because the skirt is see-through. She says she’s dressed appropriately, and besides, she sees him in flip-flops and ratty shirts too. But she always defends him… even when people say he’s gained weight. Ooh, low blow, MJ. You’re both being petty and not talking about what’s really going on, but that was low. And I’m with Reza, do you not have a mirror at home? And the bickering continues. MJ has a non-Persian (aka no drama) client that she’s working with, unlike Reza’s clients who are all drama. Another dig at Lilly? Reza says her clients are invisible and hasn’t closed a deal since the 90’s. Come on, guys. Really? Let’s get down to what’s real here.
Just in time to prevent someone getting tossed out the window, in walks Mike who tells MJ that he’s interviewing with the company. MJ misses the undertone in what that means and wonders if they can fit 3 desks in the office. Reza brings her back to earth and tells her it’s more a partnership deal with him & Mike and she’s getting kicked to the curb. Mike goes to his interview and MJ confronts Reza about keeping this secret from her. Why wouldn’t he tell her about it so she could give him advice? Probably because he didn’t want it. Just a thought.
What it really comes down to is that Reza thinks she showed her true colors when she defended GG and even though that’s not about work, it’s about character. Turns out that a few months ago GG sent Reza an email that he didn’t respond to, and in return, she went on Twitter and called him a South Beach crackhead, Saddam Hussein and the turd that comes out when a Jew & a Muslim have a baby. You know, I didn’t think I could dislike GG more than I already did, but it turns out I can. That shit is unforgivable. She’s nothing more than a petulant, selfish, ignorant brat. And Reza has an issue with the fact that MJ, his “best” friend, didn’t get his back when that happened. When you align yourself with a piece of shit you become what they are, and MJ is starting to stink.
Mike comes back to the office and MJ would like him to be the voice of reason. Um, Mike is about to get himself a new job thanks to Reza. I’m not sure he’s going to be playing for your team, especially in light of how you handled GG’s attack on Asa. Oh and since we’re talking all things Mike, let me just state for the record that I take back my comments on not having any feelings for Mike one way or the other last week. I’m officially a big fan. After Reza tells MJ that he loves her but he doesn’t like her right now, he storms out of the office leaving Mike to deal with the dust storm left behind. Mike tells MJ that he’s had to let go of a lot of people in his life because of the poor decisions they made. She should consider doing the same. And the gauntlet has been dropped. You’re either with GG or you’re against her. And if you’re with her, you’re on your own.
Rachel: Well, I think it’s pretty clear where I stand. Time for GG to go bye-bye. And in the words of one Miss NeNe Leakes: Don’t let the door hit ya, where the good lord split ya!