One Sentence Summary: Brandi drops a silent bomb which causes Paul & Adrienne to get loud.
Rachel: I’m the deadbeat this week. Sorry for the late post. I’m not even going to try and pretend that I watched tonight’s episode and just haven’t gotten around to writing it up. I’m literally watching it right now on Thursday night (and finishing it Saturday). It’s just one of those weeks. People ask me for things and I feel the need to give them to them. For instance, my friend asked me to go to the Heat game last night and sit in third row seats. What kind of friend would I be if I had said no? Not a very good one. I’ll tell you that. I strive to be a better friend than the Housewives. I like to set the bar on my life goals very low. So, here we go. Fresh off the friendship-affirming drunken cartwheels in Ojai, it’s time to find new reasons to be bitches to one another. My new mantra for these petty reality women: Aren’t you bored yet?
Melissa: Man, I feel like it’s been ages since I hung out with my BH Bitches! Well, there was a whole season of DWTS in there, so maybe that’s why. Anywho, thanks to my awesome partner’s magically genius write-ups, I’m back in line with all the ladies and their escapades. Plus, I’m ready for some down time with a lovely Pinot Noir and my remote. Ladies, I’m yours for the next hour.
Rachel: Ruh roh, someone’s house got egged. And that house would be Mauricio & Kyle’s. Oh but wait, who could hate on anyone in that house? It must be another one of Mauricio’s pranks! It is! Oh, these crazy kids. It’s just a clever ruse to get Alexia outside so she can get her present. Tell her what she’s won, Johnny! A new car! That’s right, Alexia, who just a couple of weeks ago didn’t know where to find the emergency brake, is now the proud owner of a brand-new Mercedes. Clearly, her parents abide by the old-fashioned rules where the kid doesn’t get to drive a nicer car than the adults. So, I guess she’ll just have to work her way up to a Maserati. But I will give Alexia credit for being really surprised and excited about it. There was literally no part of her that expected the car. So, kudos to that. And I will also say that it’s nice to hear that Mauricio opened his own real estate business and has been successful enough to buy his daughter the car. Also, lovely. I’m just saying there are a lot of cars between a beater and a Mercedes for a 16-year-old.
BTW, I’ve rewound the scene 5 times now to try to decipher what the hell Kyle has on her feet. I thought they were just jaunty red high-tops, but they look like they’re wedge high-tops of some sort. Yikes.
Melissa: Hey now, what a way to start off… We gots some Mauricio! I don’t have a clue what they are saying, because well, he’s hot. Aw, look at her with her new Mercedes. Oh, I remember my first Mercedes when I was her age. I loved it so much and would drive my friends all over town. Oh, no wait… No, that was just a dream. I grew up in a very different reality.
It’s My Book, And I’ll F-Bomb If I Want To
Rachel: Brandi & her book agent have a little sushi & gossip for lunch. She’s feeling short-changed after getting a lukewarm reception to her book deal from the ladies in Ojai. I’m not sure what she was expecting after calling out Taylor for her book and announcing her deal :30 after telling Adrienne to STFU. She’s not really working hard on mending those fences Kim was talking about. I mean you might want to try some tact if you’re going to be upset that they’re not giving you high-fives and buying you celebratory shots. Be the change you want to see in your friends.
But yes, let’s get back to the book. Her agent says her picture needs to be on the cover. She wants it to be fun. He says it’s doable and shows her the cover he did for Chelsea Handler, a personal fave of mine. She likes. Now there’s the little matter of the title. She is invested in the title. What title, you say? This one: “It’s a Break-Up, Not Cancer. Get The F**k Over It.” Hmmm… I wonder which part the publisher is having an issue with… But you see, the f-bomb is part of who Brandi is. She’s the truth cannon, after all. Her words. Yeah, here’s the thing. This whole “I don’t give a f**k” attitude you are so bent on hiding behind is so ridiculous because we’re all acutely aware of how it’s really just a mask for your insecurity. And if we weren’t before last week’s photoshoot, we sure are now. I know it’s super cool to be all whatevs, but it’s not working for you. At all. All you are doing is alienating more and more people from your world. So drop the f-bomb from the title and maybe drop it a little less in everyday conversation and you might feel a little more warmth coming your way.
Melissa: Oh, sushi with the book agent. That’s right Brandi has a fun therapeutic story about life and divorce. Come on Brandi, I love an F-bomb as much as the next guy, but no need to get all crazy because you can’t put it on the cover of your book.
Rachel: Lisa is having a little appetizer sampling at Sur Lounge for the girls so they can taste the new menu items. I’d like to have a little sampling of the gentleman setting the table. Seems there was a little drama at a private party the night before between a Sur server and a powerful LA Agent, and we get to watch Lisa admonish the waitress about the incident – who, by the way, is an idiot. Hmm… Anyone else think they’re dangling a little carrot on a stick in front of us so we’ll watch Vanderpump Rules? Oh I think so.
Then Brandi gives Lisa a ringy-ding before the tasting to make sure that Sheana, the waitress that had an affair with her ex, won’t be working the party. She is not. Lisa would never do that. Yep, all of this is a set-up for the new show. Look at how much drama there is in a restaurant, folks! But if Jax is going to be on it, I’ll be watching. Well, let’s be honest, I’d be watching anyhow.
Back on the show at hand, the ladies start filing in and talk turns to Ken’s impending hip surgery. I do kinda love that Brandi has a crush on him. Must make him feel 20 years younger. And look at Kim & Brandi all chummy chummy making prank phone calls to Kyle. And Taylor greeting Brandi with a kiss. Oh the fragile peace that we know cannot last. Someone take a picture.
At the table, Lisa asks Kim if she’s feeling strong and if she ever feels like she might relapse. Kim says there are some people that make her feel frustrated and emotional. Some are in the past and some are still in her life… Why don’t you just point your finger at Kyle while you’re at it. Kyle calls herself out before that can happen though. I mean I get that there’s shit that went down between them, but I’m so confused as to how Kim takes no responsibility for her behavior with Kyle or with Brandi. I mean you were a total banana, Kim. You gotta at least own some of that.
Sweet Mary, that food looks amazing. Note to self: Score an invitation to dinner at Sur… from someone. Doesn’t matter who.
Resident pot-stirrer Kyle asks Lisa if she invited Adrienne to lunch. She says Adrienne was busy and Brandi makes a snide comment about it being because of her book deal. I mean Adrienne does like to one-up a bit, or a lot, but again Brandi, this is not how you make friends. She’s not there. Don’t talk shit. It will get back to her.
But back to the pot-stirrer, Kyle wants to know what really went down between Brandi & Adrienne. Brandi, who has no filter, calls Adrienne a liar and a says that she was being told to tweet lies about Lisa. Being the truth canon that she is, she said no. And on and on and on it goes all while Kyle sits there smirking and mentally noting every morsel to take back to Adrienne. Oh you know it’s happening. And wtf was that, Bravo??? Brandi just dropped a bomb on the table – not an f-bomb mind you – about something Adrienne is lying about and the show edited it out. Don’t even play part of it, if you’re not going to share! Well whatever it is, it shocked the shit out of the rest of the ladies. I’m going to venture a guess and say that Bravo may have been skerred of a lawsuit considering the ugly divorce happening in the Maloof-Nassif world. But damn, I want to know!
And with that, everyone leaves the table. This confuses Kim. Why is no one confronting the situation? She’s messing with someone’s life and it doesn’t occur to her that it’s wrong. Yeah, that’s a problem, for sure. Man, I so want to like Brandi but she makes it really hard. And yes, I say that a lot, but damn she makes it hard to defend her.
And let me just say for the record, “Holy breastesses, Kim!” They were like torpedos ready to launch out of that hot pink top. I mean I really thought they were going to pop out and slap her in the face. Lord have mercy…
Melissa: I would love to have a friend with a restaurant who invited me for drinks and to sample apps. Oh, I guess this is how they’re going to spin off her new restaurant show. Man, she’s a harsh lady.
Brandi flattened her hair to make a phone call? OK, is it me or am I crazy for loving those 70’s throw back jeans?
Hey Lisa, when are you going to invite TWB for tastings? Anyone else still think Kim is still a little too flighty? Oh look Mauricio is back again. I’m loving this welcome back the producers are giving me! OMG, I’m starving listening to all these yummy plates!! Maybe I’ll top off my Pinot and pretend it’s crostini or a skewered shrimp. Hang on, so Adrienne wanted Brandi to tweet for them? Really kids? Come on, this is just silliness. Wait, Brandi is dishing dirt and they mute her? WTF producers!!
Rachel: I gotta tell you that it’s hard to watch Paul & Adrienne together pretending to be this functional couple when we all know the real shit that was/is going down. I mean the woman accused him of beating her and her children. And he is going around telling everyone he meets that she’s a nutter. But hey, let’s have family cook time.
Paul’s going to grill! And by Paul, I mean Sally, one of the house fraus, I assume. And what’s with the close-up of Paul’s back hair? Who needs to see that? No seriously, who are you?
Melissa: Ha, love Paul screaming for Adrienne to help in the kitchen, when the woman never cooks anything. Just let her stand there and tell the housekeeper what to do. Also, what is that, her nightgown? Poor Paul, you know you can see someone for that back hair. You’re a plastic surgeon. Looks are your living my friend!!
Money, Money, Money
Rachel: Tonight is one of Mauricio’s first events for his new company. And I imagine it’s going to be christened with drama like only the Housewives can bring. Poor guy. Wait, are they at the W Hotel apartments? Yes, they are. That is my old office building peeps. Dammit, why weren’t they filming Mauricio there when I was working? And speaking of swarthy men, we meet Camille’s boyfriend Dimitri. And oh how I want to chop Dimitri’s hair. It’s the thing Harlequin Romance book covers are made of. Though, if he made me some of those spanakopita he’s talking about, I’d probably be willing to let it slide. That’s right I’ll drop my standards like a hot potato for food & wine. And speaking of things sliding, we are treated to another Kelsey Grammer small penis joke. Clearly you’re not bored of it yet, Camille, but I promise you that we are. I don’t for a moment begrudge you your bitterness. Rage on, I say. But please drop the penis insults from your public repertoire. It harms me on a deep level to keep having visions of Frasier’s little friend. There, I called it “little” too. Now, we’re done.
Whoa, look at that condo that Mauricio is showing. Let me tell you whose office didn’t look like that. Mine. Wait, there’s a tunnel from the condo building to the football stadium? And when did the news that LA’s getting a football team happen? Imma be pissed if they waited until I left to bring in an NFL team. Oh no, they’re just building a stadium so that they can convince the NFL to bring in a team. And if they say no, $1.2B was spent on a stadium for no reason. Smart.
Did Mauricio just say he had $185MM in sales in 2010? Dayum! Suddenly that Mercedes for your kid doesn’t seem all that crazy. OK for real, where is my Mauricio? Where? I’m ready Universe. Please to send my way. Thanks.
Melissa: Really, a party for Mauricio now? Seriously, you producers are spoiling me!! If only he’ll decide to go for a swim at some point, my night will be complete. Hey, IT’S DIMITRI!! Finally we meet the man who brings a smile to Camille’s face and a soreness to her thighs. Hey, at least girlfriend is happy again. That’s an awesome place he’s selling! Oh Mauricio… I see your lips moving, but I can’t hear a thing you say. Maybe if you take your shirt off, it will help me focus.
It’s Hip To Be Cut
Rachel: We take a break from the real estate party to join Lisa & Ken as he goes in for surgery. I love that Ken is taking the piss out of the intake nurse right before he goes into surgery. I’d be begging someone for a muscle relaxer, not cracking jokes. The kids show up to wish dad well before he gets wheeled off and it’s an emotional moment for the family. We actually even see Lisa shed a tear and admit, out loud, that she is worried because she couldn’t live without him. Ah, a rare soft moment from our friend. I like.
The verdict is in and Ken is fine. No complications. No issues. All good. He’s in recovery and is being kept warm with a pink blanket. Poor guy, can’t escape the pink anywhere. Lisa is giving Ken a little “can you feel this?” test of his hip and thigh area, and he can’t feel a thing… that is until the hot, blonde nurse gives it a try. Then he’s got some feeling. Yeah, I bet you do, Ken. Personally, if were Pandora, I would have left the room by now.
Melissa: Oh Ken, you so crazy. I’m surprised you didn’t bring the dog with you. WOW, 16 years difference between him & Lisa? Good on you, Ken! I wonder how long it took to persuade him to do this on camera? Aw, so glad Ken is OK and working his “I can’t feel a thing”.
I Know You Are But What Am I?
Rachel: Back at the party, talk turns to how hot Dmitri is and his six-pack abs. Now, I assume the abs are as you say. I have no actual proof of this as of yet, but hot… I’m not seeing it. Is it just me? I’m sure he’s a lovely person, but again, hot? I’m Team Mauricio on the hot guy in the room. And clearly so is Melissa.
But Adrienne and Paul have shown up so it’s time to put away the ab talk for some drama. Sorry, kiddies. Uh, did Brandi just tell us that she feels safe with Adrienne & Paul showing up because she doesn’t think these are the kind of women that run and tattle when they hear something? Have you never watched this show? Every time you open your mouth, Brandi, you make it harder for anyone to defend you. You talked smack about someone in front of their good friends. You’re getting busted. Period. Oh, and then there’s that little thing called a camera recording the whole conversation as well. That is the biggest tattletale of them all. So even if Kim didn’t go running to Adrienne & Paul the moment they walked in to let the cat out of the bag – which she is doing as I type this – it would still have come out sooner than later – not that I condone Kim’s big mouth dropping the bomb on them in the middle of a party. But getting annoyed with this behavior from the Housewives is like being annoyed that ice cream is cold; a waste of time.
Now Paul wants to launch a torpedo across the room at Brandi. I don’t blame him, honestly, but it’s also someone else’s business event. And really Kim? You’re saying you didn’t want to cause a scene? Then what were you expecting to happen? They’d go quietly into the night? I was going to ask if you’ve ever seen the show as well, but you actually might not remember seeing any of it. And Paul, don’t worry about what anyone else was doing at the lunch. It’s not the gangs of Beverly Hills up in here. Just go home and deal with whatever this insane bombshell is that Brandi is dropping all over town tomorrow, with your lawyer. But don’t sue Bravo, ok. They take your threats seriously and are editing out any mention of said accusation, which makes it fun for us at home to sit around guess what it could be. Tons of fun.
The Maloof-Nassif contingency almost make it out the door without a scene, but almost doesn’t count in Housewives world. Paul tells Mauricio, loud enough so Brandi can hear, that he wants to leave because of the things “that bitch” is saying. Brandi hears that… the people down on Hollywood Blvd hear that… and asks what exactly it is that she said. Uh, Brandi, you know what you said, but thanks for asking for those of us playing at home. Exactly what is it? Enquiring minds want to know. And so begins the “bring it” battle between Paul & Brandi. And I kinda have to go with the Vegas odds on this one and take Paul for the win, because Brandi actually kinda is a bitch… and not a nasty one. A dumb one. They’re the worst kind. The best kind? Winey ones, of course.
As the two of them circle each other like caged tigers, baiting each other and waiting for the other one to take the first swing, Kyle confronts Kim about telling Adrienne at Mauricio’s party. Why would she do that? Yes, why would someone stir the pot and cause trouble at someone’s event? Tell us, Kyle. Er, I mean Kim. I kinda want Kim to look at Kyle and scream, “I learned it from watching you, sis!”
Now, we’ve got Adrienne involved and the “You’re a liar. No, you are.” portion of events is now underway. Then we move into: I swear on my kids I’m not lying. Well, I swear on my kids I’m not lying. Which climaxes with the ever-classy: F**k you! No f**k you! Really, I bought ringside seats for this? If no one’s going to throw a punch, someone needs to just break it up and send Brandi home. For real. Or is it Kim that should leave? Or Paul & Adrienne? I don’t know, but it’s ridiculous that everyone is standing around just watching. We need a Taylor “enough!” moment right now. Finally, Kyle steps in and escorts Paul & Adrienne out but not before they issue a warning. Oh, the times and troubles of the rich and bored.
Melissa: Way to tattle Kim. No really Kim… please tattle because I need to know what’s going on!! Could these be the divorce rumors of last year? Here’s the thing. Who acts like this? I swear I go to parties and I NEVER get to see antics like this. I can’t even understand what they are saying.
Rachel: I have to be honest that it took me so long to watch this episode because I just couldn’t take these women cackling about such inane things. Ken’s surgery, real. Everything else. Bullshit. Not to be the downer of the crowd, but in the wake of what’s happening in this country right now, Brandi not getting to use the “f” word in her book title and whining about it makes me insane. These people thinking their immediate need to express anger are more important than a friend’s business makes me want to smack the shit out of all of them. And I liked Kim better drunk. Yeah, I said it. At least when she was drinking, the only person’s life she was fucking with was her own. Bah…
Melissa: Oh man, now I don’t know how I’m going to sleep tonight not knowing the “lies”! Seriously, this isn’t cool. Is that why you gave me so much Mauricio tonight? You knew I’d start foot stomping and declaring that I’d rather watch Honey Boo Boo instead- though honestly I have never witnessed that train wreck so I can’t actually say if I’d rather be watching it.