One Sentence Summary – GG ruins another party and potentially all her remaining friendships in the process.
Rachel: Reza is back! Reza is back! Yes, this is how I started last week’s blog and it’s probably how I’m going to start every week’s blog. I seriously don’t understand how it took this long for the world to be gifted with his awesomeness, but I’m glad it happened. Obviously. I’m just worried about what will happen the next time I go back to LA to visit. I seriously think I might go on a Reza-finding mission. I’m imagining it to be a lot like when Jack was on a Kevin-Bacon-finding mission on Will & Grace. Never seen it? You should. It’s bra-zilliant. I wonder if Reza would do the Footloose dance with me in his living room… Anyway, enough of my stalker tendencies. Let’s see what our friends have in store for us this week.
But Enough About Me
Rachel: I’m sorry, did that sign just say “dog agility training center and canine social club”? Get the eff out. My LA peeps waste more money than anyone on the planet. Seriously.
But that’s beside the point… GG and MJ would rather discuss GG’s overindulgence in the drinkie poos the night before. She has no recollection of Omid putting his hand up her dress at the table. I guess she also doesn’t recollect him laughing like a wild hyena either? Though I’ve read in the tabloids that they’re actually engaged now so I guess she’s learned to love it. What she hasn’t learned to love is Asa’s unfiltered commentary… which is ironic considering the source. She thinks Asa’s comment about loving Omid’s “big nose” was rude and disrespectful. You know, it was a bit bold. I give you that. But it wasn’t an insult to him. It was an insult to the people at the table that aren’t rocking the goods mommy & daddy gave them. So, the whole tirade about Asa’s blubber which hasn’t been liposuctioned is a bit much, especially when you’re spewing it to MJ who isn’t exactly rail thin. I think she must have realized that though because she changes lanes and decides that Asa looks like transvestite. Man GG, you really are a brat. Please grow up. You’re 30, not 13. It’s not cute anymore.
How To Not Succeed While Trying
And speaking of Asa, we get to visit her parents’ home for another meal that makes me want to run to the closest Middle Eastern restaurant and chow down. I can’t take watching them make all this delicious food every week. It’s killing me. Ooh, I’m going to have to find a place that makes that Tadig rice dish. That looks like the crack Asa says it is. See what they’re doing to me?
At dinner, Asa tells her family that she has moved back into her home in Venice. Mom hopes that the move means her daughter is getting a real job… you know so she can actually pay the rent. Asa has a real job. She’s the Persian Pop Priestess. Mom takes the words right out of my mouth, “What the hell is that?” Ha, I love mom. She says Iranian people don’t care about singers. Iranians should be lawyers, doctors, computer programmers… Yeah, I’ve been at this table. Muslim, Jewish… same conversation. But Asa isn’t interested in what her parents think about her career, let alone the Iranians at large. Again, Persian Pop Priestess. That’s all you need to know.
Side bar: Could someone please tell the editors that it’s really distracting to have mom’s hair change in every scene? Thanks!
We get to know a little bit more about Lilly. She is a law school graduate who hated working as a lawyer. See, she exudes sex appeal at all times and that doesn’t work in a courtroom. Uh, you mean you can lock up the girls for an afternoon while you go to work? You have to have your shit short, high and tight at all times? Aiight. If that’s your thang and you can make it work, go for it, I guess. I blame the Kardashians for this phenomenon. You know the one that says, “I’m more interested in being noticed for my body than my brains.” But at least she’s actually got her own company and she actually works at it… unlike GG and her extension business. So, she gets respect for that… which quickly deteriorates when she uses baby talk to speak to her employee, who calls her “foofer-nutter” in return. Really? Seriously? And did she just reply by calling her employee “cougar lover”? Actually, I can’t decide if that’s what she said or if it was “cooter lover”? Neither are good options really.
Anyway, Lilly’s designing a line of swimwear inspired by lingerie, which she refers to as swimgerie. I did just go check out the site (click here) and they’re pretty hot bathing suits. I’m about 15 years too old for them… and we won’t discuss what else I’m “too” for them. Let’s just say, I’ll be admiring them from afar. Apparently, Lilly is also part of a household that isn’t thrilled to have a daughter choosing a career path that doesn’t exactly elicit warm & fuzzies from their community. But that doesn’t stop her any more than it stops a Persian Pop Priestess… Sorry, I can’t stop saying that.
At the office, Lilly has a fit model coming in to try on a few suits. She gives her the first one with a fresh “crotch liner” in it. Then we get to hear, in detail, exactly what a crotch liner is, in case we couldn’t manage that one on our own. I was pretty solidly with you, Lilly. You didn’t need to drop “crotch juice” on me. Could have gone the rest of my life without that phrase. Thanks. Can’t unhear that.
The bathing suit is super sexy, but would look ridiculous on anyone over the age of 30 or with an ounce of fat on them. So yeah, 5 people can wear that suit. And those 5 women are bitches. And yes this woman is absolutely jealous of those 5 women… and pouring herself another glass of wine to ease the pain. Oh sweet nectar, come to mama.
And now we get to see an actual dirty crotch liner. Oh happy day! Now I can’t unhear or unsee. Personally, I’m not sure why you’d want a bathing suit back that someone wore. I mean I get that it’s not the most financially sound business move to make a bunch of samples but I’m thinking it might be the most emotionally sound one, especially for Jill who has the honor of removing the used crotch liner. So maybe her nickname was actually Cooter Lover. Kinda makes sense now. Wait, did Lilly just say there might be AIDS on there? And she says she graduated Cum Laude? From what school exactly?
A Hairy Situation
MJ introduces us to her dad who seems quite a bit sweeter than her mother. MJ says he is the ultimate nurturer. Glad someone in her life is. MJ is going to be dying her father’s hair for him today. Is this a good idea? The answer would be no, as his hair starts turning purple. Whoops. This is a very cute moment, but I needed the trimming of the nose hair shared with me as much as I needed crotch juice shared with me. What’s up with this show tonight? And where the hell is Reza already? But I do love MJ’s dad and how sweet she is with him. Big “aw” in the house. I kinda want to hug him.
Finally! It’s my mustachioed mister! Reza & Lilly are having a little lunch and loving on her men’s blinged out Rolex. Reza is curious what she thought about meeting his friends for the first time. She says she’d like to take them all to AA and then drop them off at Promises Tomorrow (a rehab center). Seems the tables around them at dinner were getting up and leaving. Yeah, I would have bailed myself. I can’t imagine the fact that the restaurant didn’t do anything to shut them up isn’t exactly great PR for them either. Both Reza & Lilly were mortified. Glad someone on that side of the TV was because all of us out here were. Like how I just spoke for over 2MM viewers?
Lilly says in her interview segment that those women made her really happy to be her. You know, I’m not sure what Asa & MJ did to warrant the superiority complex, but I’m thinking our new friend just likes to remind us that she’s hot, smart and rich. We get it. And we also don’t care. Just be a decent person. She told her boyfriend that if this is how Persians in LA act, she doesn’t want to hang out with them. Apparently, Persians in Houston don’t behave the way Persians in LA act. Honey, the general population doesn’t act the way people in LA act, and I say this being a lover of my former city. But truth is truth and that’s the truth. And with that, Reza & Lilly think it’s best if she skips the pool party. Good call.
I have no idea why I have zero interest in Mike, but I have zero interest in Mike. I think he’s really cool and seems like a decent dude, but he bores the socks off of me. Anyway, we get to join him on a date with his new lady, Jessica. She’s not Persian or Jewish, but he really likes where it’s going. He’s not sure how his family is going to react, but he wants to invite her over for Shabbat dinner. He warns her that 10 Persians are like 100 white people. That’s how loud it is. She says Italian families are no different. She’s right. And besides, those are the most fun dinners – the loud crazy ones. She’s nervous about Shabbat, but she says yes. OK, they’re a cute couple. Maybe I like Mike a little more now.
Asa takes Reza to meet with a famous Iranian psychic to help him get some clarity on his love life. Does the psychic have to be Persian to to make it legit? Right off the bat, she nails Reza’s family life with regard to his absent father. That’s pretty much all we get to hear of the card reading, but at the end she tells Reza to drink his Turkish coffee, turn the cup upside down and make a big wish. Then he runs his finger around the inside of the cup and what’s left of the coffee residue tells the rest of his fortune. I did that in Istanbul but it was in a hole in a rock at the Hagia Sophia… where a few million fingers went before mine. Wish still hasn’t come true and I’m not confident that my finger has ever come truly clean either. Ack…
Anywho, the psychic worries that Reza will have a broken heart because he doesn’t appreciate what he has. He gets mad too easily and leaves. This blows him away because it’s so spot on. He knows he’s irresponsible and flawed in the relationship department, but he wants to change. Seems he’s deep in the midst of a gay-life crisis, which is when a gay reaches a certain age where he knows he should slow down & stop partying, but he doesn’t want to. But he wants to be madly in love with a partner that’s his equal. Asa wants to know if that someone is Adam. Well, being that Reza wants to be with Adam but get a little sumthin’ sumthin’ on the side, I’d say no. Yes, a gay-life crisis, indeed.
A Harry Situation
Wait, Blondie is MJ’s therapist? I mean is it me or does this woman look like the psychology version of Debby Harry? I’m not saying I’m mad at it. I mean how awesome would it be if she gave advice in Blondie lyrics? Well MJ, I feel like the tide is high right now, but you are holding on to your heart of glass. And that can only lead to rapture. But if you need anything in the meantime, call me. On the line. You can call me anytime.
MJ starts the session by talking about the most painful thing she remembers from childhood. She said it’s “the fight”. Her mother didn’t get the attention she wanted from her dad, so she filed for divorce and left. She didn’t want to be a mom anymore. Damn, just when you think mom can’t get any colder than she is, a whole new drop in temperature happens. MJ has been making excuses for her mother ever since, trying to rationalize that choice. Mom moved out and moved into an apartment a quarter mile away from MJ & dad, where she still lives to this day. Therapist Harry says that this dynamic keeps them all stuck in place and prevents MJ from having to grow up. She also says that thinking her parents’ divorce didn’t affect her is crazy and that keeping it all in is not OK. It’s time for her to create her own identity. Aw, I like that MJ is getting some help. I’d like it more if I didn’t have to listen to her blowing her nose every 2 minutes. What’s with all the gross tonight, guys? Did Howard Stern edit this?
Reza and Adam go to a cooking class together and we get the first peak at his beau, Adam. He’s cute! Reza says he likes Adam because he is skinny but has a giant ass. So, he’s the male version of Kim Kardashian. Awesome. And Reza says he’s sweet. So, what’s the issue, friend? Well, first you might want to know how long you’ve been dating when someone asks you. That would be helpful.
By the way, what the hell kind of cooking class are they taking? They just made egg salad and now they’re searing tuna? Then they’re having Caribbean flambéed bananas for dessert. Cornfusing menu. But hey, there’s wine so it all works out in the end. And Reza gets many points for making a “flaming” joke about the flambé. Ha!
But while he enjoys his sauteed bananas, he wonders if Adam’s banana doesn’t bring enough passion to the party for him. Can he be happy without that crazy passion? I hope so, because that fades in any relationship. I think you can keep it alive to a degree if you work on it, but that insane passion you feel in the beginning… It fades faster than a bad tattoo in the sun. There better be more there or you will be miserable in the long run. That’s my therapy for the evening.
So yeah… We learn that Lilly’s nickname for Jill is indeed Foofer Nutter Peanut Butter Cooter Lover. I have nothing more to say on that subject.
The Pool Party
OK, before we go to the pool party, can we discuss the giant gold bow in Asa’s hair? Why, Asa? Why? I mean I get you’re going for the whole Cleopatra look these days, but that bow is way more Cyndi Lauper meets Solid Gold Dancer than Egyptian Queen. I can’t hang with that. And pairing it with your Louis Vuitton is even funnier.
As GG gets ready, she calls her friend to tell her about Asa’s nose toast. Her friend’s response is “Yeah?” Exactly. But she just wants GG to say whatever she needs to say to Asa before she has too many drinks. When your friends don’t even trust you to behave yourself at any given occasion, you might want to have a little convo with yourself. Besides, the party is being given in Asa’s honor. If you aren’t feeling the good vibes, then don’t go to the party. Why don’t people get that concept? It seems so simple.
Is there really a red carpet at this party? And why do I never get these invites? Well, besides the fact that I no longer live in LA… and I’m not Persian… and I don’t know any of these people. But still, hook a sister up. Did you see those desserts? Not that these women eat sugar… ever. But hey, more for me!
Reza tries to convince Mike that he should be working in residential real estate instead of commercial. Together they can take over Beverly Hills. Mike is chomping at the bit at the thought of it. However, there is no room for a third in this partnership which doesn’t bode well for MJ. Apparently, her work ethic isn’t exactly setting the world on fire these days, so Reza’s about to give her the boot. Hey, it’s show business, not show friends. Yeah, that’s going to go over well.
And here we go… Asa tells Omid that she was happy to meet him the other night, but felt his comments about women were really disrespectful. He agrees. He owns it. And he apologizes. Excellent. But he continues by saying that he felt disrespected also and that is why he reacted the way he did. Asa agrees. Owns it and also apologizes. Oh wait, no she doesn’t. She says they were just having fun and doesn’t get the big deal. He says she called him loud, irritating and obnoxious. She’ll see your loud but isn’t raising you the irritating or obnoxious. Roll tape… Nope nothing other than loud. GG isn’t backing down though. She says that saying that her ears were vibrating was insulting. Um, have you actually heard the laugh? My ears were vibrating.
GG tries to talk to Asa but everyone keeps shutting her down. She asks if Asa will just listen to her. Asa agrees. GG says very quietly & respectfully – have to give her credit for that much – that she was hurt that Asa called Omid’s nose big. She had a nose job when she was 16 and felt like people were judging her because of it. Asa tries to tell her that she was saying she loves big noses. She wasn’t being insulting. Oh Asa, why are you trying to rationalize with her. Just say you’re sorry if it offended her. It wasn’t your intention. Then we can all go home in one piece. But that never happens. Never. Instead, Reza pops his head into the mix to let GG know how ridiculous she’s being. Yes, of course she is, but consider the source. I mean why poke the bear? But poke the bear he does, and then bolts from the party. Nice move.
Back inside, Asa is still trying to explain that she was being positive about Omid’s nose. He wants her to understand how that could be construed as offensive to someone that doesn’t know her or her love of all things schnoz. Did anyone just see GG throw her glass? Yeah, the rage… it’s coming. And are we really having this conversation? Yes, I guess we are. Asa reminds Omid that he was the one that threatened to hit women. And with that, GG’s lid is blown. She is now in Asa’s face letting her know that Omid would never hurt a fly. Yeah, that might be true but saying you’re going to backhand three women is not ok in any way, shape or form… at any time… ever.
Asa wants to diffuse the situation but just fans the flames when she tells GG that her behavior at every event is inappropriate. Well, in all fairness, that is true, and we’re about to see just how inappropriate it can be. Yes, we now have earrings being tossed and shoving commencing. GG is gonna f**k up Asa right there in the middle of the party. Sigh… I’m so bored of your drama, GG. So so bored. How many times do you have to pull this shit before you get bored too?
Now the whole party is up pulling GG off of Asa. Mike takes GG aside and rips her a new asshole. He tells her she needs to behave herself. He tells us that she was being a lush, belligerent, disgusting and rude. To say the least. Omid tells her that they’re at Asa’s friend’s house so she needs to relax. Mike has her in a full bear hug telling her to relax. Just take the bitch home. Seriously. But no, the maniac goes running across the party to try and brawl with Asa again, which is hilarious because pretty much any person at that party could drop her skinny ass with one punch. But before she can get to Asa, she is literally grabbed and carried out by Omid. He tells her she’s embarrassing him, but she doesn’t care. Why would she? It’s not about him. It’s about her.
Upon GG’s departure, MJ tries to talk to Asa, but she wants nothing to do with her. MJ’s two-faced and a different person in public than she is in private. I don’t know if she’s as much two-faced as she is a pot-stirrer. She just likes to cause drama. OK, maybe she is two-faced too. She says she just sees both sides of the story. See, no. I know a few people that love to play that game. You know, play both sides of the fence so they can be everyone’s friend. You know what, that makes you a true friend to no one. Just be you and be honest. Then you won’t get caught in a bunch of lies because you defended whatever person you were with at the time. No one is universally liked. That’s just life. I bet someone out there even has something negative to say about Mother Theresa. Granted, they’re probably an idiot, but my point is still made.
Back to the drama at hand… Asa thinks MJ should have just said what she needed to say to her in the 10 times they’ve spoken since the dinner, instead of waiting until they were in a group setting. True dat. MJ thinks that Asa should admit that sometimes she says mean things. And I think MJ should have rethought that outfit.
And with that, we’re out…
Rachel: Oh, I think I might dislike GG more than I dislike Teresa from RHONJ… and that’s saying something. And it looks like I’m not alone. From what I can tell from next week’s previews, lines are drawn and you’re either against GG or you’re MJ. We all know I’m Team Reza. Period.