One Sentence Summary – Two relationships forge ahead while one comes to an end… again.
Rachel: Does anyone else feel like Leslie & Bonnie have had more break-ups than Selena Gomez & Justin Bieber? I mean why do you two even pretend to like each other at this point? Personally, I think you should either seek couples counseling or go your own way one and for all. I can barely stand the drama between teenagers, let alone grown ass women. I’m hoping that Leslie going to the police about Jason will be the nail in the friendship coffin. I can’t imagine Bonnie will be interested in another peace treaty. But hey, at least she (and the rest of the ladies) got a free trip to New Orleans out of Leslie before she said her final au revoir.
Melissa: So we’re back to deal with the fallout from the police report that isn’t really a report. Man Leslie, you’re a piece of work. I can’t wait to hear her excuses for that one.
The Morning After
Rachel: It’s the last day of the bachelorette party that didn’t include a bachelorette and the ladies are playing my favorite game; What The Hell Happened Last Night? It’s up there with Where The Hell Am I And What Did I Do With My Underwear? Clearly, I’ve never played the latter being the angel I am. I’ve just heard about it over mimosas while I played Thank Goodness I’m So Well Behaved. cough cough…. Anywho, the ladies can’t believe they made out with Mr. Six-Pack. Well, the ladies minus Cindy. She thought it was so nice, she kissed him twice.
Melissa tells us that she didn’t chase after Leslie last night because she wanted everyone to have time to calm down. Or is that you didn’t want to ruin your buzz? Hey, I’m not pointing fingers here. I can’t say that I’d go chasing her down either. Well, unless she had a muffaletta in her hand. Wait, Leslie’s still in the house? I would have figured she’d have fired up the invisible jet and flown home by now. But she did not, which will give the girls the chance to let Leslie tell her side of the story before they leave. They’re going to sit in the living room and have a talk.
Melissa goes to get Leslie and invite her into the circle of trust downstairs, but it seems Leslie did actually skip town. See. What did I tell you? The ladies decide that, since she fled, she must be guilty and are thankful they didn’t ruin their buzz for nothing last night.
Melissa: HA, the ladies run through the “Omg, did we do that?” list the morning after. Oh, we’ve all been there, now haven’t we? So they didn’t chase after Leslie to continue their fight but they’re going to sit-in-wait, sipping their mimosas, ready to pounce when she finally rolls out of bed? Snap, she took off under the cover of night? Man, that’s a serious walk of shame.
The Other Side
Rachel: Leslie shows up at the Verona before she’s supposed to be back and finds Kalyn & Tyler poolside. She lets them know that Bonnie has turned against her all because of a little incident report. I love that she keeps justifying putting Jason’s name on file with the police by saying they don’t do an investigation. Yeah, that makes it all better. Granted, Jason acted a fool, but that was a stupid move, Leslie. And Jason didn’t hurt you. That’s just another fabrication to make yourself the victim… again. So no, Bonnie’s not remorseful. She’s not ever going to be remorseful.
But enough about that. Let’s talk about Kalyn’s weekend with Paul. Kalyn tells Leslie that Paul proved to her that he’s a respectable guy so she would like permission to start dating him. Leslie isn’t feeling a 28-year-old trying to get with an 18-year-old. We’re finally on the same page, Leslie. But Leslie still agrees to meet him to see if he can pass her worthiness test. And we’re off the same page because I know you’re going to fold like a cheap lawn chair.
Melissa: Ew, it’s the creepy siblings poolside. Do you think the apartment complex sanitizes the pool every time one of them is in it? Um Leslie, you aren’t a victim. HA, I love Kalyn’s spin that Paul is a respectable man who is 10 years older. Oh, I totally want to know how much older Rip is. Honestly Leslie, you should be proud. Isn’t it Gold-Digger 101 to date someone at least 10 years older? She’s just following in your esteemed footsteps.
Rachel: Oh, another fake workout class at the club. This time they’re pretending to do some boxing. What they’re really doing is waiting for Leslie to show up so they can all confront her country club gangsta style. Yep, 2 minutes of boxing and the rest of the time is Cha Cha screaming about a chili cook-off. Look, if you can’t manage 60 minutes of real material, make the show shorter. My brain would not complain.
Melissa: Oh, what’s the exercise du jour today ladies? Of course D is good at boxing, it’s like being at home. Hang on, how many ladies actually go to these classes? Is it really just an excuse for more airtime? I can’t imagine what it’s like to edit this all together.
Rachel: Kalyn visits her
therapist “life coach” to talk about things and such. She tells the coach about Paul and how awesome he is. She thinks maybe her seeking out an older man might have something to do with daddy issues. Finally, someone in Kalyn’s life that might actually grasp what is going on with her! Kalyn regrets the way she treated her dad and wishes she had followed her dad’s rules. He wanted her to get good grades and go to college. She wanted freedom. So she packed her stuff up and left the house without saying good-bye. That was three years ago and she hasn’t spoken to him since. Ouch. Yeah, this is a screwed-up kid. Rules are good, kiddies. Trust me. They will piss you off now but you’ll be thankful later. Look at your screen. That is what they call a cautionary tale. You’re welcome, parents. Anyway, Life Coach Balbricker says it might be a good time to try and repair that relationship.
Melissa: Holy baritone life coach! So Kalyn dating Paul makes her realize she needs to talk to her dad? HA, because they are the same age? Something tells me Dad isn’t going to be thrilled about his little girl dating a 28 year old.
Take A Hint
Rachel: Bonnie meets Whitney & Boogs at the dog park to fill them in on the incident report that Leslie filed. Apparently, Leslie told the cops that Jason physically attacked her. That’s just insane. And just as a reminder, Leslie, there were cameras there recording the whole thing. It’s kind of a stupid idea to lie to the po po.
But the conversation halts as Bonnie take notice of Whitney’s latest addition. Nope, not the dermals – that still makes me gag, by the way. She got a new tattoo on her ear. I really want to write something about how stupid that is, but I must admit that my first reaction was, “That’s kinda cool!” Bonnie’s not as impressed.
Booger distracts Whitney by having her take the dogs away and asks Bonnie if there was any more thought given to the proposal idea. She says Jason’s a no-go but her parents didn’t give permission either. hint hint, nudge nudge Instead of just taking the hint, Boogs asks if that means he should go ahead and propose. Uh, she’s not going to actually say it out loud, dude. Hence the giant hint she just dropped. She’s not getting in the middle. She doesn’t need another incident report filed.
Melissa: I love Bonnie’s “Leslie smirk”. Well, I love all mimicking of Leslie. Maybe that’s why I liked Pam so much. Really Boogs, you need to lay off with the whole proposal. How long have you been dating? I get that in “Reality Land” everything travels at the speed of light, but I mean we only met you this season.
But She’s A Teenager
Rachel: It’s “Meet Paul Day” and they’ve decided a water park would be the best place to do it. You know, so Bonnie could have her bathing suit cleavage hanging out and Tyler can wear his helmet without anyone thinking it’s weird. Honestly, if that kid dropped a sentence that was more than 4 words, I’d fall over.
And speaking of falling over, Kalyn & Paul show up with Kalyn’s arm in a sling. Seems she tripped while jogging and she has a hairline fracture in her hand. I wonder if that was Whitney’s fault too? But thankfully, Paul was there to save the day. But that alone won’t earn him a stamp of approval.
Right out of the gate, Leslie wants to know what Paul’s intentions are? To have a meaningful relationship. I bet that’s the first sentence in his online profile too. Does he normally date teenagers? He does not. He’s not married. He’s never been married. He has no kids. He makes good money. Then Paul says that the magic words: he appreciates Leslie’s motherly instincts since Kalyn’s actual mother hasn’t really been around. Ding ding ding, we have a winner! And with that, Paul’s in. Well, she makes him wakeboard first and then he’s in.
Kalyn later tells Leslie that her life coach wants her to talk to her dad. Leslie is all for it and says that Tyler would give anything to have a last conversation with his dad. Damn Leslie, why gotta go and make me all sentimabubble. Next scene, please!
Melissa: I can’t wait to hear what Tyler has to say to Paul. Yeah dude, we consider each other brother and sister, but we totally did it while my mom was out shopping. Yes Leslie, guys who date girls 10 years younger always have the best of intentions… Especially when it’s an 18 / 28 difference. Geez Leslie, as soon as you hear he makes money you’re all in support of those crazy kids. (eye roll)
Rachel: Uh, do we have to watch Booger pierce people every week? It’s already enough to try & stomach these women without having to see needles going into people’s skin. But I do appreciate Booger working extra hours and annoying Whitney right before he pops the question. Well played, sir. Just make sure those checks go toward an awesome ring… or her Mercedes bill.
Melissa: Ew, why must I witness a lip piercing? Yipes! Whitney, you have to chill with the attack on your man wanting to make money. I think he got a glimpse at the bills you run up and is worried he needs to build a nest egg for when mom turns the payments over.
We’ve Been Here Before
Rachel: Are we seriously only 20 minutes into this show? How is that possible? I’ve been watching for two days?
Anywho, it’s time for the obligatory scene of Kalyn in her bed & Leslie giving her some wise words of advice. This one is about Kalyn calling her dad. She’s scared that he’ll reject her, especially since she spread a lie about him & the family. Oh Lord, what did you say, Kalyn? At the least, you ought to apologize to him.
Leslie talks her into calling… on speakerphone, of course. Dad answers… Kalyn says hello… Long uncomfortable pause. But then dad comes around and sounds truly happy to hear from her. Dad wants to know what’s up and Kalyn says she wants to apologize. He accepts it and says he knows she was young when she made the decisions she made. Nice, dad. She says she wants to come out to see him and try to reconnect. He tells her she’s welcome any time and that he loves her. OK, someone must be cutting an onion around here because I’m suddenly tearing up. Fine, I’m tearing up because I’m a total daddy’s girl & that fully pulled at the ol’ heartstrings. Damn you, BRT producers! And to top it off, Leslie offers to fly Kalyn out on Rip’s invisible plane. OK, she has to go commercial, but at least she’s going.
Melissa: So she lied about her dad? What did she say? Ugh, why am I too lazy to rewind and pay attention? Well because I’d much rather take my time to pop into the kitchen to pour another glass of vino and pretend I know what’s going on. Aw, I love that Papa is willing to talk to her and move past whatever she did. You’re a good man. Now as soon as I know what she did and said, I’ll most likely think you’re a saint.
Rachel: Do we really have to go spice shopping for the chili cook-off with Melissa & Cha Cha? I guess so or how else will we know that no one has heard from Leslie yet? They say they want to hear her side of the story, but we all know they just want more fodder for their exercise classes… and to stretch this show into an hour.
Melissa: Wow, I didn’t get that scene at all… Talking about naming chili recipes and Leslie’s excuses. Can anyone say filler? I’m going to put it out there, if we had a little Pam and Heidi we wouldn’t need scenes like this one.
Rachel: I second that emotion!
Stay Out Of The Kitchen
Rachel: Cindy & Alex are at home making chili. Alex wants to put cinnamon in hers, which is unheard of according to Cindy. Well, unheard of if you’ve never had the chili from Cincinnati, which is pretty much what they’re famous for. Lord knows it’s not the Bengals. But who cares really, it’s just more of our time wasted, until Leslie shows up at the front door. Cindy hasn’t heard from her since she stormed off from New Orleans so she invited her over to get the skinny.
Leslie is stunned to find out that Cindy has cooked chili before. She’s even more stunned when she tastes it. She recommends adding beef. There’s already beef in there. Dear Lord woman, what on earth are you making if the beef is unrecognizable? Leslie recommends cinnamon. I recommend throwing it out and saving those around you.
Leslie says she’s not attending the cook-off because she won’t feel safe around Jason. She wants to lay low. She is also upset because Cindy didn’t get her back in New Orleans. Maybe because Cindy is the reason this whole shit storm happened in the first place. But Cindy says she was drinking all day so she was confused about what was going on. Nice, use booze to cover yourself. I prefer to just cover myself in booze. Cindy thinks Leslie should have stayed in New Orleans and defended herself. See, if you want to defend your family, you have to stand up for yourself. And there’s no better place to do that, than a chili cook-off at a country club! But Leslie is semi-convinced and will think it over.
Melissa: Hang on, is Leslie really giving cooking advice? Oh SHUT UP Leslie, you don’t know if it’s safe to go to the cook-off? You’re an ass. You had a better chance of getting a beat down from Pam than Jason and you showed up to every Fashionista event anyhow.
Rachel: Whitney invites Bonnie & Jason to lunch because she has no money to buy it herself. Oh Boogs, you’re in a world of hurt trying to take care of this one, my friend. Whitney wants to know if Bonnie & Leslie have spoken. Jason says when you end a friendship, you don’t have to talk about it. It’s not a relationship where you have to ask for your keys back. Am I the only that wonders why Jason can’t just speak a sentence normally? He has to make each word out of his mouth a declaration. I think Jason needs Xanax. And his balls back. Maybe that has something to do with it? But he does have a point. Even Bonnie agrees.
Whitney wants to go shopping with Bonnie because Booger isn’t around lately to go with her. He’s working too much, said with a whine. Bonnie & Jason recognize this to be a good thing. Whitney does not. So like a good mom, Bonnie tells Whitney to earn her own money to go shopping…. Oh wait, no, that didn’t happen. No, Bonnie takes Whitney shopping and leaves Jason at the table to have lunch alone. Yep, still a eunuch.
Melissa: Boogs is working a lot lately because he’s trying to support your ass down the road Whitney.
Going Back To Cali
Rachel: 35 minutes in… This is excruciating.
We land in California where apparently there exists nothing but desert & cacti. Well, and a car service to take Kalyn & Tyler to her dad’s. Uh, squeeze me? Tyler is her escort, why? How is that appropriate? I mean why not throw Paul in the car and make it a threesome? Oh she asked him to come for support. I suppose I’ll let this one slide… for now. What I won’t let slide is the crazy short dress she decided would be the appropriate look to see daddy after 3 years. That is not post-baptism approved, young lady.
Aw, dad looks super excited to see her. They sit down on the couch to chat. She tells him about her baptism and how that has made her want to make things right in her life. Dad is glad to hear that because she was really out of control when she was living with him, “to say the least”. She made them feel like dirty laundry, especially her stepmother. Kalyn feels terrible because her stepmother was her only mother figure. But she learned her behavior from her mother and that’s why she acted the way she did… not that it’s right.
Kalyn wants forgiveness. Dad wants to give it to her but she needs to earn his trust back. He wants a relationship with his daughter. With that, we have an appropriate older man/younger girl hug. Yeah, dad’s awesome. Don’t screw it up again, Kalyn.
Melissa: Why is Tyler with Kalyn? Seriously, I mean I’m sure Dad did the google search when rumor got around you were sleeping with your brother. No need to run your poor choices in his face. Aw, I love Dad!! See Kalyn, maybe if you had stayed with your dad you wouldn’t be a train wreck.
Rachel: Whitney & Boogs are out for a night on the town when Bonnie & Jason show up for a little fun themselves. Gee, I am so glad they decided to come out tonight of all nights, which is a totally random happening, of course. Jason isn’t thrilled to see Booger and his “checkered hat”. Jason, I’m going out on a limb here by saying that you might not be the best person to be throwing shade about someone else’s style. Bonnie just wants everyone to get along. But for now… the band. They seem kinda cool. Why don’t we get to know who they are?
And now for the encore…. Boogs jumps on stage and grabs the mic. Let’s get this proposal started. He pulls Whitney on stage, tells her two people were never more right for each other and does the whole bended knee proposal. She accepts and the crowd goes wild. Well, everyone minus Jason who bails. Why so bitter, Jason? I mean I think it’s an insanely short period of time to know someone, but I have to say I dig them as a couple. They kinda make sense to me. And nothing on this show makes sense to me. So, let them have at it. You just saved yourself a few grand a month. Everyone drink!
Bonnie tells us that she had no idea Boogs was proposing tonight and suddenly her nose grows 6 inches. Someone call Dr. A! Pinocchio needs to see him right away! But first she has to find Jason and calm him down. Bonnie doesn’t understand what he’s being so crazy about. They’re happy so don’t try and stop it. He’s not trying to stop anything. But he’s also not going in there and saying congratulations. This isn’t what he envisioned for his daughter. Yeah, well neither was a tattoo her foot that says c**t, but that happened too. No dice, Jason’s out, but not before calling his wife “dude” a few times. I’m sure that’s not what Bonnie’s mom envisioned for her baby. So, shattered dreams everywhere. Do I need to say it again? Everyone drink!
Melissa: Um Jason, maybe you should consider a checkered hat with the bill sticking up to cover that mop of yours. Just sayin’. At least Boogs has… Well, at least he’s not rocking the Gutter PCU look. Cut the boy some slack. Aw so cute, now let’s see the ring. Sorry Jason, what exactly DID you envision for your daughter? Someone who loves her?
Rachel: Kalyn is back in Texas and so is Paul. For someone that lives in Chicago, he is in Dallas an awful lot. They’re having lunch to talk about her visit with her dad and experience their first official unsupervised date. Yeah, this situation is really not sitting well with me. The kissing, the hand holding, it’s all wrong. But without him, she wouldn’t have been able to call her dad. Hmm… I thought that it was your Life Coach and Leslie that made that all happen. Even Tyler gets more credit than Humbert over here.
Melissa: Does anyone else think that, the more we see him, the creepier Paul becomes?
Rachel: Time for the Chili Cook-off. Who thought it was a good idea to fill these people with beans and cheese and then put them on a mechanical bull? Oh right, Cha Cha. Let me tell you, I wouldn’t want to be in a 10 mile radius of that place. I feel badly for these “celebrity” judges.
And here it is… Lesile and her bodyguard roll in. Melissa thinks that her bodyguard is Rip. Ha! Now that’s funny on so many levels. When Leslie tells her that it’s her security detail, Melissa is confused. Leslie says Rip insisted that she come with security because that is number one for him. Bitch, please. That’s a crazier story than these women saying they know anything about cooking.
Time to announce the winners…. Wait, is Cha Cha wearing a sombrero fascinator on her head? OMG, she is. Where does one even find that? I’m so in awe of it that I didn’t even notice whether or not she bothered with a bra for a change. Alex wins second place for her chili with the “mystery ingredient”. Dude, if cinnamon in chili is a mystery to you, turn in your chef’s jacket now. But I’ll cut you some slack since you clearly are being told what to say… Sorry no amount of commentary below is going to convince me that that was a legit cook-off. And the winner is… Cha Cha! Yes, the chair of the party won her own contest and handled it with such class. And by class, I mean she screamed, “Yeah, bitches!” and ran on stage, where she yelled it again into the mic. You know, in case they didn’t hear you back in New Orleans.
Meanwhile, Melissa is letting Bonnie know that Leslie brought a bodyguard for her family’s safety. You know Melissa, maybe you should just worry about stirring your pot of chili and leave everyone else alone. Then again, I would have pushed Cha Cha off the stage to get on the mic and announce that insanity to the whole party. This news sends Bonnie racing across the lawn to confront Leslie. Ha, this should be good. She wants Leslie to explain herself. Leslie does by saying that she didn’t know if Jason would be at the cook-off. I mean he did attack her and cause her to have a bruise on her arm. This woman is delusional. Straight-up, delusional. I have a feeling this beast of a man standing behind Leslie is going to be standing in front of her in the near future while he protects Rip from her crazy.
Bonnie isn’t having it and tells her to get the bleep out. And there are a bunch more bleeps after that. I only bring this up because we just heard Mr. Scoma scolding Cindy for using foul language. Uh, do you not hear this going on? Not to mention every other party at the club where he was apparently not wearing his hearing aid. Anywho, Leslie isn’t leaving because she will not be ‘terrorized’ by Bonnie and her family anymore. Terrorized? Hyperbole, anyone?
Bonnie’s had enough of bothering with Leslie. At least she has Melissa, Connie & Cha Cha on her team. Of course, there’s still the little matter of Cindy. Bonnie wants all the friends and starts to warn Cindy about Leslie’s insanity, but is escorted out by Whitney who doesn’t want any more drama. Wait, did I just say Whitney stopped the drama? Wow, will wonders never cease.
So, as Season 3 nears its end, we find Leslie, once again, on the verge of no friends. Looks like she’ll seal that deal next week… or at least Bonnie will.
Melissa: Man I loves me a chili cook-off! Truth be told I love all sorts of cook-offs… Ribs, chili, cupcakes, BBQ. Oh there’s Leslie with her entourage. Btw, you’re a moron Leslie. HA, love that Melissa thought the security guy was Rip! Do you think Mr. Security questions who he pissed off at the office to land this detail? I think he was late for the staff meeting and he got stuck with Leslie. Hang on, who is Bonnie that she can kick Leslie out of the club? I mean, I love it and I kind of love Bonnie when she gets all wound up and goes all Mama bear, but does she have that kind of pull there?
Rachel: Uh, just when you think you’ve seen it all, we get the previews for next week and Humbert down on bended knee. SMH
Melissa: Wait, season finale next week?? What the hell? I will say that was a yummy teaser! Paul is proposing to Kalyn too? He just ratcheted up the creepy factor tenfold. I’ll be honest though, friends, I’m really hoping in the midst of some arm-flailing next week we hear Pam’s voice saying “I’m back bitches”. Is that too much to ask?