One Sentence Summary – The ladies make The Big Easy seem difficult.
Rachel: So I guess all the tryptophan from the Thanksgiving turkey made these ladies too tired to show up and entertain us last Sunday. What’s up with that? I know they weren’t afraid to get into a ratings battle with the riveting “Liz & Dick” over on Lifetime. These bitches could take on LiLo any day of the week. At the very least, Cindy could drink her under the table in a contest. Regardless, they shouldn’t just not show up on my DVR leaving me to wonder what I’m going to do with this bonus hour of my life. Thankfully I had wine to fill the void.
Before we get to this week’s shenanigans in the Big Easy, I would like to address something. I have gotten quite a few comments from people letting me know that Leslie’s boyfriend, Rip, is actually a real person. Thank you. And I know you are probably right, but it’s far more fun for me to call him make-believe because I’m not sure anything that comes out of Leslie’s mouth is actually true or based in reality. So, does she date a man named Rip who has lots of money? Probably maybe. Will that prevent me from calling her bat shit crazy and calling out this sham? Definitely not. So, if you would still like to join me on this tilt-a-whirl of crazy, I am most happy to have you.
Melissa: I gotta be honest here, my friends. I’m tired as hell from pretending I could hang at a bar with kids (Literally, most of them were young enough they could have been mine) half my age last night. So the Texas Twits need to know I have minimal patience for stupidity tonight. Not to mention that I think this week is Leslie’s pretend bachelorette for her pretend engagement, if I’m not mistaken. I didn’t know we could just make shit up and get parties for it. That’s it, I’m going to pretend I’m preggers to get me some parties and such. I figure I’ll drink when no one is around so I can work the facade. Because, let’s be honest, I have a better shot at being knocked up than Leslie has of being engaged to Rip.
Rachel: Bonnie & Cha Cha do a little shopping for the New Olreans trip at Connie’s store. The girls are so excited to eat and drink and make merry when they’re there. Yes, because nothing says merriment like you fools in a room together after one too many cocktails. But, good luck with that.
Anyway, no one really wants to waste time talking about shrimp and grits (ack… how do people eat grits?). No, they want to get down to the important things in the world like the UN recognizing Palestine as a state and Leslie’s engagement party. Or just Leslie’s engagement party. Connie wants to know what she missed. So, this is Connie’s role this season? Store operator that asks about previous events so that they can gossip? Probably a good call, Connie. Bonnie gives her the rundown on all the fun that was the party and Jason’s testosterone explosion. She says that she’s since had a meeting with Leslie and they decided Bonnie could still go on the trip. Well, because unlike the RHONY where you actually can be disinvited, this show has a “come one, come all” policy. Connie is more interested in figuring out what Cindy was doing in the first place to set the whole room off. Exactly what you think she was doing, Connie. Roar, cougar roar.
Melissa: OK, I have to side with D here on the shrimp and grits… mmmmm… My fave!! HA, I seriously love the debrief scenes they work into these shows. Really, like Connie didn’t already get 5 separate phone calls dishing the dirt on the “Engagement Party”.
New Fangled Computers
Rachel: Hey look, Kalyn is in bed with a boy! OK, so the boy is on Skype on her computer, but it’s more fun to reinforce the slut storyline. She’s talking to her friend, Paul, who lives in New Jersey. Paul is coming to town for a while, just in time for her birthday, which she was going to have to spend alone because Leslie & Maddie will both be out of town. Thankfully, Paul will be showing up just in time to save her from her loneliness. But the plans will have to wait as Leslie pops in and wonders who Kalyn is talking to. She says she’s not talking to anyone even though she just uttered the words, “I have to go. I’ll call you back.” Look, we all know Leslie’s as dumb as a stump, but she’s not that dumb. You might be able to sell her a story about stress UTIs, but she’s not buying into you not having just been speaking to someone on “that thing where you can see the picture.”
Kalyn admits she was talking to Paul and Leslie is not happy since all men have to go through her. Say what? Didn’t the baptism scare the slut from her soul? Shouldn’t she know better now? But since Paul is a geeky computer nerd (who, btw, is 28), it’s ok with Leslie that Kalyn is talking to him. Wait, so him being a decade older than Kalyn is ok because he works on computers? It’s not 1984 where guys that work on computers look & act like the cast of Revenge of the Nerds. This woman is 50 shades of crazy… and she plans on getting crazier in New Orleans with her ladies, none of whom are Kalyn. Sorry, but you’re staying home, kid. But think of it this way; you can talk on the computer to whomever you like without fear of being questioned like a murder suspect.
Melissa: So this Paul guy… Who the hell is he? Wait, did Leslie just call Skype “the thing where you can see the picture”? No really, stop. That’s just too funny. Oy, the idea of the ladies getting stupid in Naw’lins is going to make me start flashing back to last night. Again, we’re having a bachelorette trip for the non-bachelorette?
Do I Do?
Rachel: Bonnie & Jason stop off at Chez Boogs to drop off their dog while Bonnie’s in N.O. & Jason takes Zakk to football camp. While they’re there, Boogs asks them for permission to marry their daughter. He didn’t expect to be met with laughter, but yet, he was. I don’t know, I kinda think Boogs is the man to keep Whitney in the style in which she’s become accustomed… and that is the style of crazy. I mean who else is going to put up with that? But the parentals aren’t jumping for joy. They need him to understand that if he puts a ring on her finger, he gets everything that comes with it, including the Mercedes payment. He knows. And the no-job-having. Got it. And the potential to never make money. Check. He’s down for it all. Jason thinks maybe living together a while longer might be smarter. Bonnie wavers a bit, but isn’t totally convinced. Boogs says he’ll wait til they’re ready to accept it. This dude is either the most unflappable guy on the planet or the dumbest. Jury’s still out. I just hope they register for an area rug when they do get engaged because that apartment needs some serious help with the acoustics.
Melissa: Is there no furniture in this apartment? I mean the echo is crazy. And Boogs wants to ask Whitney to get married?? Um, how long have they been dating? I actually agree with Jason here that they can just live together for a little longer. Slow your roll.
Rachel: Welcome to New Orleans! I’m so mad they’re making it there before I am. Seems unfair. Oh wait, seems this party is one down and that one is the bachelorette. She is suffering from a migraine so she’ll be there tomorrow. Really? Did Rip need to take the invisible jet to his next meeting and she can’t be bothered to fly commercial? Or is she going to flake out and stick them with the bill? Doesn’t matter why. None of the reasons are going to stop the girls from getting their party on in her absence.
Sidebar: I would just like to commend Melissa for being able to open a bottle of champagne without spilling half of it. I don’t know why people think it’s cool to waste half a bottle of champagne when they open it. Wasteful and disrespectful to the legacy of champagne if you ask me.
But before I can even finish my thought, they’ve already moved on to the drive-through daiquiri store. Wait, you can buy a daiquiri without even getting out of your car? Oh, I’m on the next flight out. Oh yes, order a large pink lemonade for me. I’ll be there soon.
The drinking continues on at Pat O’Brien’s for some hurricanes and drunk white boy dancing. He thinks his booty shake is worthy of their beads and they oblige. Girls, you’re going to have to be a little higher with the standards if you’re going to be giving away beads. If you give every floppy-haired frat boy beads, you’re not going to have any left. Gee, I wonder how you earn more…
They arrive at the house where they’ll be staying and it’s awesome. As Cindy goes on a hunt for more alcohol, the girls decide scaring the shit out of her would be more fun. Cindy is not amused. Nothing is worth her spilling her drink over. Oh please, if it was a 24-year-old boy jumping out of the shower causing you to spill your drink, you’d be all kinds of ok with it.
Melissa: HA, Leslie starts with her first excuse for not being on the trip for her own engagement party. Oh, I’m loving this montage of New Orleans. Ah the memories!! I ate the hell out of that town! DAMN, that’s an awesome house. HA!! That was awesome. Too bad Cindy is just pissed because she spilled her drink.
Birthday Go Karts
Rachel: Paul is in town and he is taking Kalyn go-karting for her birthday. Now, this is a fun birthday. Kalyn has a blast and thinks Paul really knows how to treat a lady. Yeah, well that would be awesome if she were a lady. And I’m not calling her out on her slutitude. I am saying she’s 18 years old. She’s a kid. Sorry. I know I thought I was all kinds of the shit when I was 18 too, but guess what. I wasn’t. I was an idiot. Therefore, dating an 18-year-old, when you’re 28, is gross. And my dating a 32-year-old when I was 19 was gross too. But he owned a bar so I was really taking one for the team… you know, so my friends could get into a bar underage. Ah, the things we do for booze…. er, I mean friends. Anyway, Paul needs to keep it in his pants is what I’m saying here.
Melissa: This is actually a cute date for Kalyn. Wait, how old is this guy again? I’m tired. I can’t do the math. This might not be a cute date for Kalyn. I can’t tell.
Keep Your Dildo To Yourself
Rachel: Oh boy, it’s a “Passion Party” for the girls. Time to learn about lady toys. Bonnie isn’t happy about this wrinkle in her plans. She wants to go to Bourbon St., not learn about sex paraphernalia. As the hostess gives each girl a naughty nickname, Bonnie pouts and refuses to play ball. Aw, suck it up, Bonnie. This is what bachelorette parties are about… even if there is no bachelorette… or fiance. Honestly Bonnie, I know it’s not your thing, but if you tried one of these toys, you might actually loosen up enough to have a good time. And Jason might get his balls back. Just trying to help here.
But when Cha Cha decides to “tickle Bonnie’s fancy” with one of the toys, Bonnie snaps and decides to head into town. Melissa joins her for a Haunted New Orleans Tour. This will help her do research for her next Fiona Frost book. Um, who does ghost tours during the day? How is that scary? Well, it’s scary for the tour guide who is being regaled with tales of Bonnie being assaulted with a dildo. Good Lord Bonnie, let it go. You know, I love me a ghost tour but I’d rather be off with the other ladies shopping for voodoo dolls if this is the level of fun Bonnie will be bringing the entire trip. And for me to rather want to be with Cha Cha for any reason says a lot. That’s how much of a buzz kill you are being, Bonnie.
Anyway, after their day out & about, the women reunite for dinner. Jason calls Bonnie before they can order which is annoying to Cha Cha because she’s hungry. So order a glass of wine and a basket of bread or an appetizer. She’ll be right back. These women are not good at finding solutions to their problems outside of bitching about them. But Bonnie quickly tells Jason it’s his fault Leslie’s not there and comes back quickly thanks to TV show editing. However, she is unamused that Cha Cha didn’t want to be rude and order without her. So much so that she asks if it’s as rude as putting a dildo in someone’s face. Uh, she said she didn’t want to be rude to you and you still found it necessary to call her out? Oh, you are so ridiculous. Seriously, get over yourself. But I will give credit where it’s due-ish, Bonnie does actually apologize for being a baby… after Cha Cha apologizes to her first. OK, can we drink now?
Melissa: Um, what’s with the toy party? AH, D arranged the goodie drawer celebration. I’m shocked Bonnie wants nothing to do with this party. More shocked at D’s love of all the goodies – well, maybe not really. But not D’s obsessive need for Bonnie to share in the toy party. I guess she just wants her to relax. Yeah, hitting her with a vibrator isn’t the best plan for that.
I have to say that I’d much rather be with Bonnie and Melissa touring town instead of voodoo doll shopping with the other ladies. I will say I’m jealous as hell about the gastronomic delights the ladies are about experience. Oh shut up D with your need to order. I hope your voice is completely gone soon.
Bachelorette of Honor
Rachel: Daylight comes again and Leslie finally shows up for Day 3 of the party. How long is this “weekend” away? Do they get an extra weekend day in Texas? If so, I might consider moving back.
The ladies lunch and toast to having a great time with Leslie now that she’s there. But no event can be complete without an announcement of some kind from Leslie. Oh, she’s just taking them on a tour of New Orleans. I really thought she was going to drop a wedding on them. You know one that would get canceled just moments before Leslie is to walk down the aisle because Rip had to go negotiate the release of a hostage somewhere in the Middle East. But no, it’s just a tour for the ladies…. Oh sorry, a tour like they’ve never been on in their lives. I’m surprised Leslie doesn’t keep confetti in her purse to throw in the air every time she makes a grand announcement. Kalyn, you’re having a “Slut No More Baptism”! Poof! Confetti!!!!
I’m Just Being Helpful
Rachel: Whitney & Nikki are hanging poolside for a little girl talk. They spy Kalyn and Paul doing a little “Can I help you with your sunscreen?” routine and immediately begin the cattiness… She’s too embarrassed to be in a bikini. That must be her man of the week. He needs to be warned about her. Very mature, ladies. But that’s not enough for Whitney. Oh no, it’s never enough to just let something go. I wonder where she gets that? Hmm…. As she saunters over to mess with Kalyn, she hopes out loud that she can make her cry. Aw lawd… Give it up already. But she doesn’t. She rolls up and tells Paul all the wondrousness that is Kalyn – firings, baptisms, incest, etc. He goes full Booger and barely bats an eye. He tells her that he knows all about Kalyn and thinks Whitney’s immature. Whitney, defeated at her attempt to create drama, leaves with her tail between her legs. Ha. Well played, sir. I almost forgot for a moment that you were trying to seduce a teenager.
Melissa: I have to question Whitney wanting to stir the pot with Kalyn again. I mean come on already.
Rachel: So, the tour that Leslie schedules is a swamp tour. The girls cruise through the swamp screaming at the sight of every alligator. Oh, this is going to be a long trip. Bonnie mentions Boogs wanting to marry Whitney so she can get some advice. She gets none because there are alligators in need of marshmallow feeding. Really? You’re giving an alligator marshmallows? That seems really wrong.
Melissa: HA, I love that Cindy hates this trip. You’re in New Orleans woman, what are you expecting?
Rachel: After their day out, Paul lets Kalyn know that he has feelings for her that are more than just friendship. He’d like them to take things to the next level. She says she is putting her life back together and wants to get Leslie’s permission first. But she likes Paul because he makes her feel safe. Interesting. “Safe” is not where I would have gone with that. But Kalyn gets points for not dropping trou right there in the middle of the parking lot and mounting him like Everest. Maybe it is a new chapter for our fair Kalyn. Let’s just hope Leslie is starting a new chapter as well; one where she actually gives good advice.
Melissa: Ew, Paul is a little smarmy wanting to move things along. I guess since he makes her feel safe it’s OK. Um, no… It’s not. It’s strange.
Rachel: Mimosa time! My favorite time of the day! Leslie tells the girls that she would like to take the girls to the botanical gardens. Cindy says that unless the flowers are made out of booze, she’ll see Leslie later. So she and Bonnie head to Bourbon St while Cha Cha & Connie take their turn as the sacrificial lambs and go with Leslie. I mean it is her party. And I love that Cindy & Bonnie are suddenly BFFs now that booze is involved. Granted, I’ve had friendships based on less.
Melissa, Cindy & Bonnie hit Bourbon St and stop in for a tarot card reading. I’m personally a big fan of the cards. Let’s see what this guy has for us, other than really effed up eyebrows… He says Melissa worries too much about money, but she shouldn’t. She’ll be fine. Cindy will not be single for much longer. Get out of here! I think this guy is drunk. Bonnie always lands on her feet. He also says Whitney & Boogs are meant to be together but it might not work out in the long run. Well yeah, because there’s only so much of Whitney any one person can take. Bonnie also wants to know if Leslie is a true friend. He says pretty much no. Believe nothing you hear and half of what you see. HA! I knew it! Rip is imaginary after all!
Meanwhile, over in the gardens with said crazy liar, Connie & Cha Cha are trying to get Leslie to take obscene pictures with a statue. She can’t quite commit to it, but that’s why Cha Cha’s here. Yep, there she goes riding the poor statue like a cowboy. I was just about to go on a tear about people acting a fool around important art pieces until flashes of our trip to Paris started swirling in my head. And we’re moving on…
Melissa: I can’t hate on mimosa time. Well, maybe if Leslie is trying to plan the botanical garden trip whilst I’m trying to enjoy mine, I can hate on it a little. Oh, love the readings for the ladies. I like to talk a good game with all this hocus-pocus stuff, but it actually scares the bejesus out of me. Hey now, believe nothing you hear and half you see when asked of Leslie? OK, even if he’s a complete charlatan, that’s pretty spot on in my book.
Rachel: Whitney stops by to see her man at his piercing palace and demand two more “dermals” from him. I have no idea what a dermal is but just the word is making me woozy. Boogs is worried that this is going to make her parents dislike him more. Well, he worries as he pierces her. Whitney says it doesn’t matter what her parents think. He thinks it does matter. But it kinda doesn’t matter at all apparently since she is walking out the door with her two new dermals. It’s kind of hard to make an argument against the more piercings while you’re actually piercing her. I mean I wasn’t on my high school debate team or anything, but I’m pretty sure that isn’t the best tactic for winning an argument. But hey, love conquers all, right? Wrong.
Melissa: More piercings Whitney? Is that what the producers are suggesting now? Yeah, go visit Boogs and get something pierced so you guys can talk about your parents.
Letting It All Hang Out
Rachel: Time for drinks and bead tossing. I’m just happy the girls are giving away the beads instead of … oh never mind. There goes Melissa with her shirt above her head. Ah yes, just what that young chap was hoping to catch a glimpse of on his afternoon stroll… Lord. Can we go back to the dermals? That was actually less offensive. Wait, I actually think Melissa just lifted the collar on her shirt. Whew… Feeling better now.
The sun has now set and the ladies are officially three sheets to the wind. This is trouble for any guy walking past them. Cindy gets one to take his shirt off – and I’m not mad at her for it as long as they keep it neck down. She thinks the bachelorette should give this birthday boy a kiss. Leslie concedes a kiss on the cheek but nothing more. You never know if Rip is flying overhead with his telescopic goggles on. But Connie isn’t about to let someone not get a proper birthday kiss. She takes Mr. Sixpack by the head and lays one directly on his lips. Well, Connie, I had no idea. I’m weirdly in awe of you right now. This gives Cindy the OK to follow suit, which then leads to Melissa getting some seriously sloppy thirds. Wow, dude just got mauled by three cougars and lived to tell. I must say, I’m impressed with their ability to have a good time… for the moment…
Yes, that’s right. As the girls head out for a little alcohol absorbing grub, Bonnie gets a text from Jason letting her know that Leslie filed a police report about the incident with Tyler. You have to be kidding me. She filed a police report over a non-incident and then thought she could sit at a table with Bonnie like all was peachy? Did someone drop her on her head as a child? Or last week? And as the conversation at the table turns to what actually did happen that night, Cindy says that all Jason was doing was defending her against something upsetting that Tyler said to her. Uh, ‘scuse me? I hate to be a stickler for facts, but you kinda skipped right over that part where you unhinged your jaw and tried to swallow Tyler whole.
Seems Leslie finds the story a bit loose with the facts as well and shakes her head about it. Bonnie uses this opening to call Leslie a lying f**king bitch and announces to everyone that she knows she filed a police report. Leslie tries to deny it, but Jason has already forwarded it to Bonnie’s phone. Again Leslie, not 1984. We can actually share information at the speed of light now. Cha Cha wants to know why Leslie would do that in the first place. Yeah, why Leslie, why? She says it’s because she just wanted to protect her family and besides an incident report isn’t the same as a police report. Yeah, ok. That makes it all better. But she doesn’t want to discuss it in public. She will discuss it with Bonnie in private. None such. Bonnie has had it and Leslie leaves her own bachelorette party. Now, I am not saying that Leslie should have filed the police repot. But I am saying that Cindy should be the one taking the brunt of this since she was the root cause in the first place. Yeah, I know Tyler called Whitney a bitch – well, according to Whitney – but he didn’t do anything to Cindy. She feels guilty but doesn’t actually step up and say anything. And with that, Leslie’s party is over.
Melissa: Finally the ladies all catch back up so we can drink again. I mean they can drink again. Wait, was that Melissa lifting up her shirt? OMG, it’s Cougars Gone Wild on this balcony! Oh snap, Leslie filed a police report against Jason? That ain’t cool woman. Ah, an “incident” report, that’s better… Not. How insane is she? Seriously, not a rhetorical question. I would love to know how cray cray everyone actually thinks she is.
Rachel: These fights would be so much more tolerable with Heidi and her champers. I’m just saying.
Melissa: Ugh, I can’t believe New Orleans was wasted on that crew. The Winey Bitches would have rocked that town! Yes, I’m also still pining for Heidi and Pam. Maybe there’a an awesome plot to give them their own show.