One Sentence Summary: Lisa & Adrienne attempt a peace treaty so they can all travel to Ojai together to start new fights.
Our Thoughts: Rachel: It’s here, folks. It’s time for the peace summit between Lisa & Adrienne. I’m actually wringing my hands in anticipation of the smackdown we’re about to witness. Never mind how I’m wringing my hands & typing at the same time. I’m just talented that way. I really hope Adrienne apologizes and shows a decent level of contrition as I’d like to get back to liking her. However, knowing what we know about the dirty pool that went down this summer with her separation from Paul, I have a feeling it will be short-lived. And let’s be honest, I really hope Adrienne apologizes because I’m sick of hearing about this nonsense already. Let’s focus on calling out Taylor for her bad behavior last week instead. I’d enjoy that much more. But I have a feeling whatever peace accord is struck tonight, it will have the staying power of a teenage boy the night he loses his virginity and we’ll be back to bickering by dawn. But alas, we can dare to dream.
Lisa v Adrienne
Rachel: Here we go. I’m not even in the room and I can feel the tension between them. I’m not sure how many times Adrienne is going to tell Lisa how beautiful she is, but it won’t be enough to soften her up. Lisa says she hopes the flowers she sent were a peace offering and a genuine one at that. Adrienne says yes, but before we can hear what she has to say, we have to watch the clip from the reunion where she accuses Lisa of selling stories for the millionth time. Look, if you don’t know by now what went down, you should have to look it up yourself. I don’t have time for reality TV cheat sheets. I’m tuning in every week and doing the work. So should you. Or…. you could just read my blog and be all kinds of up to date! Oh yeah, that is a MUCH better idea. Glad I thought of it.
Anywhooters, Adrienne didn’t mean to hurt Lisa’s feelings, but she had heard something that hurt her feelings so she reacted. It was stupid and she should have gone to Lisa first. If the stupid you’re referring to is the “Maloof Hoof” then you might need a word stronger than “stupid”. It wasn’t stupid, it was a petulant overreaction. But she doesn’t want to waste anymore time since, you know, friends hurt each others feelings all the time & it’s no big deal. Adrienne really has to stop with that excuse. It’s lame. But finally, after a lot of hemming and hawing, she actually apologizes. Bravo! Lisa lets her know that she felt embarrassed and violated, but she appreciates the apology. She even promises that she won’t be trashing Adrienne behind her back. I suppose that’s as close to an apology as Adrienne is going to hear. Let’s all toast to moving on, which really means moving on to the next fight.
A View To A Kill
Rachel: How much laundry does one person have that she has multiple washing machines? Well, I guess it would make the chore go faster. But I do give her many points for the fact that she is actually doing her own laundry. I can promise neither Lisa nor Adrienne even know where their laundry room is. Man, I want to be this woman when I grow up. Please don’t burst my bubble with the reality of my proximity to her age. I am a woman with a dream. Let me have it.
Kim stops by for a hang and some coffee out by the pool. Seems all the girls are going to Ojai this weekend on a trip planned by Kim. Wow, Kim is planning a whole weekend? This ought to be interesting. At least Ojai is about as big as a stamp so she can’t get them too lost. Yolanda is excited to go because she hasn’t been away with a group of girls in a really long time. Oh honey, don’t be excited. It’s going to be loud and contentious. And you are going to be annoyed and miserable. It’s going to be the opposite of relaxing, especially for a no drama mama like yourself. Very few things are less fun than a vacation spent among bickering dramatic girls. Trust. If you thought you were unamused at your dinner party, just you wait. Oh, just you wait… You’re about to get a lesson in unamused.
Hey, It’s Not Cancer
Rachel: Brandi is meeting her literary agent at her home. Apparently, she needs a literary agent because she wrote a book about what went on in her marriage and subsequent divorce. I guess she’s waited the appropriate amount of time to cash in on her tales of woe. You know, longer than a hot minute. I wonder if she’ll end up on a Barnes & Noble shelf next to Taylor. Wouldn’t that be fun? Her recent trip to NYC was to present a proposal for the book, which everyone is loving… minus the title: It’s Divorce, Not Cancer. Yeah, can’t say as that would be my first choice either. They want something more like: It’s a Break-Up, Not Cancer. Really? “Divorce” was the part that was the issue? And the book is about healing from a break-up and not a bashing book. I gotta be honest, if it’s not a bashing book, I don’t want to read it. But I would pay cash money to read 200 pages of Brandi annihilating Eddie Cibrian & LeAnn Rimes. Seriously, to hear about the tire slashing in her own unfiltered words would be genius! To hear break-up advice in her unfiltered words… Um, no thanks.
Hold up, she has fake boobs? Those are the best fake boobs I’ve ever seen! Can I have the name and number of her doctor and did he do her ass too? If so, I’m signing this ass up for some of that ass.
Geico Ain’t Gonna Cut It
Rachel: Time for Kyle’s daughter, Alexia, to take the test for her learner’s permit… for the third time. Wow, third time? Can you please not let this child on the road? She doesn’t know that there is traffic coming the opposite direction across those crazy yellow lines on the street. She doesn’t know where or what her emergency brake is. And she can’t figure out how to pass her permit test after 2 tries. Yeah, I’m going with buy this kid a bike and a bus pass and make the world a safer place. But no, Kyle is too busy focusing on the fact that this is just one more step in Alexia growing up and cutting the cord. Well, if she can’t drive, she can’t really going anywhere. So, there’s that… Ah lawd, the kid eked it out and is now on the road in her mommy’s Maserati. Kyle is scared for her life. Yeah, you and the rest of the drivers in LA.
It’s Not Charity If You Have To Work For It
Rachel: Oh, more Brandi already. Guess we’re making up for last week of no Brandi. She’s doing a photo shoot for Beverly Hills Lifestyle Magazine where Lisa happens to work. Lisa wanted her to do the shoot as a way to jumpstart her career. Ah, it is good to have friends in high places. Less so to have high friends in good places, though they can be fun too. But we don’t have time to dilly dally as the ladies need to get on the road to Ojai for Kim’s Girls’ Weekend. Hope Alexia is home and not wandering the freeways.
For all of those scratching their heads and wondering if they missed the episode where Brandi & Kim make up, you did not. There was no make-up session, but it seems that Kim is OK with Lisa bringing Brandi along. Really? Why would she agree to that? Was she nipping at the hooch when Lisa called?
Meanwhile, Brandi is worried about the wrinkles on her thumb that she’s seeing in the selects. Come on, no one is worried about the wrinkles on their thumbs. And if they are, I can give them a call and give them a few real things off of my plate that they can worry about. Would be most helpful. Besides, if you can look at a photo of yourself in a skin-tight dress that hasn’t been retouched and see nothing other than a thumb wrinkle out of place, you’re doing OK. I swear.
Hitting The Road
Rachel: Kim, Kyle, Taylor & Adrienne hit the road to Ojai. Kim is excited for the weekend because she knows that the girls will feel better about themselves if they don’t end up hurting each other. What’s that, Kim? Ah never mind, let’s just file that under more things you think that make no sense. Kinda like when she announces to the girls that Lisa might have invited some people too. When Taylor asks who, she says “someone”. Well played, Kim. If you don’t actually say Brandi’s name out loud, it’s like she’s not really coming. Except that she is… so she can see all the work that Kim is doing on her side of the fence. Mhmm… Oh, it’s gonna be a fun weekend.
Wait, Camille’s coming too? I thought she wasn’t on the show anymore? I mean I’m not mad at her being there, but what is she a “special guest” that’s on every week like Heather Locklear on Melrose Place? Just sign on for another year, woman. You’re getting serious camera time as it is. And may I just say that I’m about as tired of hearing how Kelsey Grammer was not well-endowed as I am of hearing Lisa & Adrienne rehash the reunion? We get it. You had a harder screw from Kelsey when you got divorced than you did at any point in your marriage. It is duly noted and marked in the Official Book of Housewife Gripes. Anyone that wants to know what you’re pissed about can just look in there.
No Hi In Ojai
Rachel: The woman arrive at a ridiculous home where they will be staying for the weekend. Holy crap, this place is amazing. The women agree with me, until they’re told there are only 5 bedrooms. That’s right, someone is going to be sharing. Heaven forbid! But as long as Adrienne gets a better room than Lisa, she’s good. What happened to moving on? But she’s not the only one worried. Apparently, none the women are going to have their vacation ruined by sharing a room. Come on. It’s a bed. In a room. In a house. With someone you know. Who cares? I slept, by choice, on a couch for a week in Paris and never slept better in my life. You’re on vacation. You should be so relaxed that it doesn’t matter if you’re sleeping on a lounger by the pool. But we are talking about some of the most spoiled women on the planet.
As Brandi & Lisa head up, they discuss how nervous Brandi is about a weekend with Kim. Lisa says not worry, it will all be OK. Kim is open. Famous last words. Yolanda heads up too, via private jet. Suddenly, the limo ride up looks lame. As she arrives, she refers to the house as “cute”. Puppies and cottages are cute. Mansions in the mountains are not cute. But again, consider the source.
Finally, Lisa & Brandi arrive to kisses all around. Well, kisses for everyone but Brandi as far as Kim is concerned. There’s nowhere in her program that says she has to give Brandi a kiss. Yeah, exactly what program is that Slurry McMushmouth? But she gives in because they are both trying. OK, there’s one step forward. Just waiting for two steps back.
Lisa gets the bad news that she’s sharing a room and makes a bit of a scene. But when she sees the room, she’s actually ok with it. She’s not a diva so she won’t make a fuss. Uh, you already did. And of course, the teenagers upstairs think it’s hilarious. Shoot me if I ever start behaving that way. My girlfriends and I assume shared space. It’s a bonus if you get your own room.
The ladies head out for dinner, and once again, I’m thrilled to see Yolanda in jeans. I think I could hang with her, though the no drinking thing throws me off my game. OK, I really want to ring Kyle’s neck. She is such a little pot stirrer. Even if she’s not saying anything, she’s making faces and throwing glances all over the place just to keep everyone reminded of the lurking drama. Simmer down, pumpkin.
Before dinner begins, Kim addresses the table to say that a place like this brings serenity and offers a chance for everyone to move forward peacefully. She is happy and feels like life couldn’t get any better. Very sweet, Kim. I, for one, hope you really do have your shit together, regardless of my own suspicions & fun poking. Brandi tells her that she’s seen her daughters around town and they’ve given her a hard time. Kim says flat out that they don’t like her. Brandi takes it in stride, says she can understand why and compliments Kim on her parenting skills. Nice moment. I feel like I just want them to stop talking right now. It’s going too well. But Brandi keeps talking and wants her to know that’s she’s been in the darkest of dark places too, so she knows her pain. She knows she has no filter but she wasn’t being trying to be judgmental when all the ugliness between them went down. Well, maybe a little bit, Brandi. Kim is touched and moved to tears which Adrienne feels the need to announce to the whole restaurant. From someone who cries at the drop of a hat (which I’ll fully deny later), it’s embarrassing to lose it in a public place. It’s even more embarrassing to have it called out.
Apparently, Brandi agrees with me because she tells Adrienne to shut the f**k up. Oh Brandi, did you have to do that? We were all just having such a nice moment with you that we almost forgot that you have no sense of decorum. Now everyone is uncomfortable and you look like an asshole. And there’s our two steps back. I knew it was coming. But we’ll have to wait until next week for Yolanda to say what we’ve all been shouting at our TVs for years… Can’t you all just discuss this like adults? The answer is a resounding “not a chance”, Yolanda.
Rachel: Well, that wasn’t much of a smackdown between Lisa & Adrienne, but apparently Bravo’s saving the real drama for next week.