One Sentence Summary: It’s eviction day for Kim, sadly it’s only from her house.
Rachel: So, is it just me or is it the season of Cynthia confronting people? We’ve had two run-ins with Kenya (whom I just, in my head, called Marlo), Leon her ex and tonight it’s Phaedra’s turn. I mean I don’t blame her for the Kenya confrontations but is this what is to come all season? I feel like I should know now so that I can prescribe the right dosage of wine that needs to be consumed per episode to keep me sane. This is very precise math, people. I can’t just be expected to wing it with a glass and an open bottle. That could be dangerous… although…. Now, go with me here… If I were to drink it while in bed, the danger factor is greatly reduced because the only traveling I will need to do is between said bed and the tinkle tavern. This greatly reduces the odds of injuring myself and thereby better serving the Winey Bitch community. Problem solved. Heretoforth, I shall only watch RHOA from my bed with a bottle of wine at the ready. The only thing that could make this scenario more trashy is if I smoked in bed as well… Good thing that’s the one bad habit I don’t have… anymore.
Melissa: Apologies once again, this lateness is all on me. I started a new job this week and it’s been a hell storm of “holy shit I don’t know anything”. OK, enough with the excuses, we’re back to watch Kim’s eviction… er, I mean moving back to her old digs because she hates her dream house. Not to mention Cynthia’s inner voice telling her to speak up.
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh boy, moving day!! I love how Kim is completely bad-mouthing this house that she completely adored last season. Fickle much?? HA, yes Kim, we know it takes “a lot” to look like that. Do you have any clue how many people are capable of moving a house without assistants and manage to wash their own hair? Yeah, you’re knocked up again, so what. And for the love of all things great and small I DO NOT need to hear you telling your hubs you need to have sex now because you have no time. YOU HAVE NO JOB WOMAN! You have nothing BUT time. UGH, I can see I’m already going to have zero patience tonight. Anyway, her big old issue (other than ego) is she needs all of her “stuff” and packing is a nightmare. No, the issue is you think the world revolves around you and you should have a staff of 100 doing your bidding. She doesn’t trust Kendra coming into the house and claiming Kim and crew wrecked the place and then I guess sue her for damages so she wants the house videoed top to bottom. We’re with you Khandi not understanding this non-eviction thing either. That’s what happens when you treat your landlord like you’re better than they are. Pssst Kim… They pay the mortgage on that roof over your head, you’re just renting it… Try to be a little respectful.
Rachel: Oh look, Kim is finally moving. Great, now we can hear her bitch about being in her townhouse while she’s actually there. And of course there’s a bad energy in that house. You’re in it. Um, what part of screaming “Come f**k your wife.” in front of your children is appropriate or acceptable? No part of it. And quite frankly, if all Kim is contributing to the show this year is insight into her sex life and her inability to cope with being a grown-up, then I would like to start a petition for her dismissal. Who’s in? I also have no interest in watching Kroy chew with his mouth open while he eats copious amounts of junk food.
A Positive Moving Experience
Melissa’s What Happened: Squeee, it’s Khandi, you know I love this woman, and I love this new house. Seems she does too because she’s completely fine with leaving her old house behind. I think Mama Joyce is hoping she can get a little space in Khandi’s new digs since she doesn’t have enough room in her place for all “her junk”. I think her definition of junk is all her stuff including herself. Work it how you can, maybe they’ll build you a Mama Joyce wing. Khandi takes the opportunity to tell Joyce about Kim’s moving / eviction and that Kim tried to tell Kandi that the movers wanted to charge 100K – and a shared “what woman’s crazy” look is passed between the ladies. It’s funny because I think I gave the same look to my television.
Rachel: Ah, Kandi. I love Kandi. So much more pleasant a moving experience. Yeah, mom is dropping serious hints about moving into her daughter’s new house. Kandi is so right that that is not what her relationship needs at the moment. And it’s not like mom is about to be homeless. She’s just got her eye on that massive guest house and I can’t say as I blame her. Give it a minute, mom. Let her at least get a ring on her finger.
Melissa’s What Happened: Of course, what episode is complete without Kim bellowing for Sweetie. Man, how that woman hasn’t choked Kim with one of her own wigs is beyond me. Taking time out from her ‘oh so busy day” Kim heads to check on her $35 an hour movers demanding they pack things the way she wants them packed. OK, I’m beginning to think maybe they did quote 100K for moving because 75% of that is pain and suffering compensation for the movers. Oh no she’s not making them unpack? HA, Kim locking her doors at Khandi’s house… What are they going to break into her car to move it so it’s not blocking their beautiful driveways? HA, I’m with you Khandi – at least your neighbors own their homes.
Rachel: Really? We’re back to Kim already. Couldn’t you give me a few minutes reprieve? Sweet Mary, can she please stop screaming at people? You have a basement full of shit, so you get boxes full of shit. Deal with it.
Melissa’s What Happened: Kim is pissed at the movers and thinks she should be allowed to tell the movers to F-off. I’m with you Kim, give it a try and see how that works for you. You think you can do a better job, you drop F-bombs all over that house. You most certainly will not do anything on your own, you can barely hold your child let alone pack up and move. Amen NeNe (did I just say that??) – don’t talk BS because you got kicked out of the house Kim. I’m quite enjoying Kim getting so flustered when we all know it’s her own damn fault. You reap what you sow.
Rachel: Oh I see we’re doing the flip-flop montage between happy move and bad move. Thanks. It’s fascinating. But Kandi’s mom wins the prize for most spot-on quote of the year thus far – You can’t explain ignorance. Correct. You also can’t buy class – paraphrased from the Countess, of course. You know since no one ever said it before her, but now we all have to credit her. Anyway, I seriously would punch Kim in her face right now if she were a) not pregnant and b) close enough for me to reach her from this bed. It might be one of the most disgusting displays to hear her cuss like a sailor in front of her children and call that house a shit hole. Do you know how hideous you sound? Do you care? Oh that’s right, you don’t. She sucks.
Gentlemanly Approach To Turning 2
Melissa’s What Happened: WOW has Ayden gotten big! How stinking cute is he?? Boy he’s not a fan of the barber shop. Poor little kid. Hang on Apollo is also a master barber? He’s quite the jack of all trades man isn’t he? For Ayden’s 2nd birthday Phaedra naturally wants something big and lavish and who else to help but lavish Dwight – you know since he rocked out the 1st birthday and her second wedding , er baby shower. She explains to Apollo and Rocky (Apollo’s barber) that it is the experience and they just don’t understand. He’s not the average 2 year old and she can’t have him going to Chuck E Cheese for his big day.
Rachel: Phaedra! Finally! Oh that Aden is so damn cute. I can’t even stand it. I love that he needs to look like a “dapper Southern gentleman” for his second birthday. Phaedra needs to tell Apollo that $20k is a bargain for a kid’s birthday these days. I mean Taylor spent $60k on Kennedy’s 4th birthday. So really, $20k is 60% off the regular price of a kid’s birthday. That’s like the Black Friday of birthday budgets. Get with the program, Apollo.
Brain Trust At Work
Melissa’s What Happened: I love when Housewives try to look like they work around the house and the husbands walk in with the “huh” look on their faces and ask what they’re doing. Anyway, not to ruin the mystique of the show… While making breakfast, Porsha and Kordell attempt to plan coordinating outfits for a wedding. Which, let’s be honest this is merely an opportunity for Porsha to bring Kenya into the conversation so we can debrief their argument. I love Porsha and her husband still don’t get the America vs. USA “Miss” Pageants. Seriously, until last week I still thought they were the same thing too, so I’m going to cut a little slack. Plus, I just think it’s funny that I know it makes Kenya all twitchy at home watching this. I looked it up, but it was so irrelevant to me that I’ve already forgotten and don’t care to look again. Anyway, Kordell and Porsha try to look for the underlying unhappiness of Kenya that triggered her behavior at the charity function. Porsha thinks maybe it is because she’s an “older woman” – HA, loved that Porsha!! While trying to process all this information and pretend she cooks daily breakfast Porsha burns the biscuits and sets off the alarm. Hmmm, hope that’s not a sign of what’s to come.
Rachel: So funny, I was wearing that same outfit this morning while making my eggs. OK, how do you STILL not know what title Kenya held after all that mess? Wait, you just said you made a “fraudulent slip”. OK, now I see how you still don’t know what pageant Kenya was in. You’re not the brightest bulb on the scoreboard are ya, dear? Now, go get your burnt biscuits out of the oven before you burn down your pretty little house
Melissa’s What Happened: I literally just rolled my eyes thinking I’d have to deal with a scene of Miss America… Until as my eyes rolled they spied the glass of wine sitting next to me (oh, hello)… So I got that going for me. Btw, I have NO intention of referring to her as Miss USA – just out of spite and ‘cause I can. So Walter the significant is meeting the peeps. Yeah, this should be entertaining to say the least. I love when the sigs meet the family, it’s always a good time (read: painfully awkward for the sig). Kenya saved Walter from meeting the family… And for good reason she thinks. Did he just say he’s the Martin Luther King of towing? So Kenya wants her man to meet her family including her very successful restauranteur cousin Che and where better than her own restaurant. Che gets down to the dirty asking how they met (which we know is code for “I already know this, but I have to get you to tell the story”). According to Che Kenya was admiring the balls at a celebrity bowling event – thank you for that ditty! Kenya thinks he chased her longer than he thinks he did, and the family sides with Walter on the story. Auntie brings up marriage, and upon hearing he’s divorced questions if it’s because he hated it (while Kenya chokes on her own spit I think). Divorce left him cautious, and the next time he needs to BE – IN – LOVE. Pay attention Kenya. He thinks he and Kenya are different, and you can’t rush love and marriage, some things take time. Kenya worries that the dinner has turned to a roast and while they’re headed toward marriage (in her mind), she’s not sure of his comfort level. He doesn’t want to skip dating and getting to know family because he has old fashioned values. Yeah I don’t know if you have any idea what you have in store for your Walter my boy.
Rachel: Wait, is Kenya losing her voice? Oh can the world be that kind? I love Kenya’s aunt. She’s the only woman that can put Kenya in her place. Oh boy, Walter isn’t trying to get married tomorrow. And Kenya might want to listen to what he’s saying. If he’s telling the family that he wants to wait, it’s because he wants to wait. Not because he’s just playing coy. Oh this should be good for a few hours of arguing. Poor. Walter. Yes, I say that every week.
Fit for a Prince
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh Dwight, what’s with that hat? I get you plan all Phaedra’s parties but you need to not attempt to rock that hat. Oh, now I’m a fan of aquariums and Phaedra, so you know this is going to be awesome. Kandi worries that since she can’t find Phaedra a grand entrance is about to happen, and happy to make her entree with a drum line is Phaedra on a train. Even the dolphins are confused. Hang on now, Kandi just gator clipped a Benjamin to Ayden’s shirt for his birthday? Can I get in on that action? That’s an awesome tradition – does that make me greedy? Wow, and Phaedra scaled the party back to only two cakes. I mean I get it… times are tough. During the pomp and circumstance, Kim calls to pass along her regrets as she can hardly deal with being told she has 48 hours to get out of her house but not getting evicted. Of course if she wasn’t preggers she would be there. Um, yeah… No one is buying that. There’s another phase of the party with a private dolphin show? That’s awesome… until the adults start nodding off. Well I guess you can’t have it all, and the lights are dim.
Rachel: The lovely and talented Dwight is back with us. That’s a very cool room to host a party. I don’t know how much a two-year-old with appreciate it, but hey, go for it. Ha, my girl loves to make an entrance. It would be annoying if she didn’t own her pomp and her circumstance. It always comes with a bit of a wink. Wait, there’s a southern tradition where someone pins a $100 bill on you? Shit, if I had known that, I’d have been southern years ago! OK, the dolphin show is pretty cool for kids. I will give her that. They can actually enjoy that. Apparently more so than the adults. That’s why you need to serve cocktails at all children’s parties.
Kim – I really don’t fell like attempting clever with her:
Melissa’s What Happened: As the girls play with plastic wrap, Kim reminds them there is a lot to do – wait, didn’t she hire movers?? Listen, when I relocated to New Jersey I left my movers to have at it and didn’t worry about a thing – and I didn’t spend anything close to 100K. Hmmm, maybe I should give her Big Ed’s number for the next time she gets evicted… I mean moves. Again, she’s bitching to Sweetie about how her landlord is on twitter saying Kim isn’t paying her, but I don’t think posting your AmEx charges is going to work unless you’re paying your rent with your credit card. Kandi’s confessional reminds Kim she’s a Falcon’s player’s wife and you need to be quiet about your financial issues and not let folks go to twitter to talk trash about you. I have to agree there. Kim thinks Kendra had a whole plan to do this because she thinks she’s funny. Well, I’m thinking maybe it’s you giving her shit and not paying her for redecorating HER lovely house to YOUR hideous taste.
Rachel: Shut. Up. Kim. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!!!!!!!
If You Spell It, It’s Not Bad
Melissa’s What Happened: As NeNe and Cynthia have lunch in the dog park (apparently) NeNe shares the Kim and Sweetie exit from her event. Really it’s just an opportunity for the two swap snark about how Kim’s dream house turned into a haunted house. NeNe thinks Kim is full of excuses and some makes some random comment to bring Phaedra into the story so she can use it as a segue to play her recording of Phaedra’s butt dial to a friend. Seems Phaedra was caught saying that she doesn’t give a F that Cynthia can’t make it to Ayden’s party. Yes Cynthia, spell out F-U-C-K so they can’t bleep you. Oh no they aren’t laughing at my girl Phaedra! I mean caught red-handed… Er voiced… Whatever, busted. Oh sweet Mary Cynthia… please don’t become the ATL Alex McCord of finding your voice and calling people out. Well, considering what that got her… Go right ahead my dear.
Rachel: Well, I guess Nene couldn’t make it through 4 episodes without talking shit. I mean it’s about Kim so I can’t really say as I blame her. And I guess she couldn’t make it through 4 episodes without starting drama. Though I can’t say as I blame her here either. If I got a butt dial of someone talking smack about my friend, I’d be dialing them up faster than you can say “whoopsie!” Oh Phaedra, you know I hate to see you get called out, but you aren’t really defendable here. I mean you don’t have to like Cynthia but you sure were playing all “peacekeeper” a couple weeks back. Might I suggest that, going forward, you don’t keep your phone in the vicinity of your donkey booty?
Melissa’s What Happened: So Porsha and her little sister Lauren hit the climbing wall for a little sibling rivalry. Unfortunately for Porsha, it only proves her zero upper body strength, and fear of climbing 30 feet in the air. Here’s a hint dear, don’t talk smack unless you know you can back it up. As a side note, I really don’t get these random scenes from Bravo. I get it’s supposed to “connect” us with the ladies, but seriously… I’d rather have another 3 Flipping Out commercials instead.
Rachel: Look, I get that being on TV makes that decision to walk out of the house without make-up a much scarier one. However, I still don’t get working out in full club make up. I mean did you need the fake eyelashes to get up that wall? Did it make you feel pretty when you were whining and screaming like a sorority girl after one too many kegstands.
Melissa’s What Happened: Is she popping something in the microwave to cook for Walter? Really, you’re going to “dirty” a pot too? Please woman, just own it. Oh, but it’s to get a ring. Yes, microwaved chicken is the way to a man’s heart for sure!! Really, do men really fall for this? Now she doesn’t know what crickets and tree frogs sound like? She makes my eye twitch. Doh, she just admitted she’s trying to make her house his house? Man girl, I know the clock is (stomp, stomp, stomp) ticking but take it down a notch. HA, a preview of what it will be like every night. Oh no she’s not putting out there that she marinated the chicken and got everything together. Just leave it at “it could be like this every night” and fail to mention it will be because of your trip to Trader Joe’s. That can stay between us. Oh snap, and wants a baby yesterday, but no pressure. You know I think that’s the best approach with a man… just tell him you want babies yesterday, that really makes him interested. I think that mosquito is the least of your worries my dear Walter. He likes having her in town full time until she tells him her ring size is five and a half. Man, this woman has no boundaries does she? You know I’m fighting wanting to get on my soapbox about women who need to get married.
Rachel: Um, throwing one noodle in a pan doesn’t make it look like you cooked all night. Then again, I doubt he’s going to even notice. There’s a hot meal on the table and some boobs in his face. What else does he need? Girl, take a deep breath. You didn’t work all night on that meal. There’s only so far you need to take the tale. And didn’t we just discuss the fact that he isn’t trying to be your husband and baby daddy right this minute? Yes, we did. So, why are you making him feel like he just sat down in the interrogation room? And if this your version of subtle, I’m scared to see what happens when you’re being forward. Suddenly got hot out there huh, Walter? Say it with me, kids. Poor, Walter.
Melissa: Yeah, poor Walter.
Bad Booty Call
Melissa’s What Happened: Here we go with Cynthia setting the stage for Ayden’s party being the first you ever missed and yet Kim missed the party. Dear Lord woman we can all see right through your little charade. Well, I guess “we” doesn’t include Phaedra who just happily follows Cynthia down the path. Oh Phaedra, choose your words! I feel like I’m watching the girl in the horror movie head to the basement to look at the fuse box… DON’T DO IT GIRL!! Yes Phaera, just keep making the ugly ‘I’m confused’ face when confronted with your comments. That might save you. HA, change the subject with the boob bite. Yeah, we’re all scratching our heads as to how you did that you crazy little Southern Jedi Master… I am not the butt dialer you’re looking for.
Rachel: Cynthia is so setting Phaedra up for failure here and Phaedra is just buying into it hook, line and sinker. Aw lady, and now you’re denying saying something you were recorded saying? Hate to tell you, friend, but the cat is out of the bag. We all know you talk like that when the cameras are off. Too bad the phone was on. Did she really just try and pull focus from being busted by talking about her boob? The maniacal laughter at the end just made the whole thing even weirder. For the record, no part of me ever thought Phaedra didn’t swear like a sailor behind closed doors… especially bedroom doors.
Melissa’s What Happened: Yes Kim, there’s something to eat at the house after you’ve been gone for a year. Moron. Sorry, that just slipped out. I forget that Kim expects an entourage (or just Sweetie) to show up before she does and set everything the way she likes it, including a box of Dunkin’ Donuts for her to eat. Don’t get me wrong folks, Dunkin’ rocks and I wish munchkins were a basic food group so I wouldn’t hate myself for loving them so but watching Kim go to town on them makes me uncomfortable. Kim admits she will miss her dream house, but God has a bigger plan for her. Unfortunately God’s plan doesn’t include her getting a tan because she has no privacy to lay in the back yard. Oh, the stealing the palm trees from of the old house. First, I have no idea why this is a genius move to you and second, just where are you going to put those?
Rachel: Shut. Up. Kim. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!!!!!!! Her poor neighbors. And WTF is really going to do with the landscaping. That’s just stupid.
Rachel: Shut. Up. Kim. Shut up. Shut up shut up shut up!!!!!!!
Melissa: I really don’t think I’ve ever agreed with my partner more! I almost want Kim to get another spin off just so I can enjoy my ATL ladies without her incessant prattle.