One Sentence Summary: Yolanda throws her first Housewife dinner party and someone behaves badly, as usual.
Rachel: Well, you’ve got us both back this week which is awesome for me and for you, since Melissa delivers that knock out punch of sarcasm this blog desperately needs. Clearly, I cannot be responsible for handling it all on my own. And I have no doubt we will both be at the ready to jump on all the deliciously bad behavior that will be the Foster’s dinner party. There is no group of ladies that do insane dinner parties better than the RHOBH. Do I even need to remind you of Camille’s infamous dinner with Alison, the electronic-cigarette-smoking medium, and the “morally corrupt” Faye Resnick as dubbed by Camille a playboy veteran herself? Or last season’s birthday dinner for Mauricio that Kim was barely coherent enough to attend & or to stop calling him Maurice. Genius! I have a feeling this is going to go down in the annals of all-time greats. At least I hope so!
Melissa: Man I can’t believe I’ve missed the start of the Beverly Hills ladies and meeting Yolanda for the obligatory “I know you, but give me your story for the viewers” scene. It’s my fave of all canned Housewives scenes. No Really, it is.
Rachel: Quick thought… anyone else find Taylor’s “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.” show opener tacky? Every time I hear it, I cringe. It just seems… wrong considering everything. Just me?
Anyway, it’s the day of Kimberly’s prom and Kim is wanting to make it the most special ever. She’s missed out on so much time so she wants this day to be the best she can make it. She also missed out on her own prom experience as a child since she was in performing arts schools. Wait, what? Didn’t she just tell us about her prom and the bad kiss in the pick-up truck last week? I’m sure she doesn’t remember. Besides she’s too preoccupied with making the world’s largest salad and mixing it with her hands. She’ll be serving it with juices, sodas and things…. and things and things and things. You’ll have to ask her for clarification on that one.
OK, I’m sorry, we need to have a moment here. Is this really sober living? Really? Because this chick is nuttier than a fruitcake. And I’m pretty sure she slurred her way through that “I missed so much time” interview snippet. I mean I hate to already be throwing her off the wagon and under the bus, but if she’s not hitting the bottle then she needs to take the meds down a few thousand mgs. I think the fact that her doorbell is the Star Spangled Banner qualifies as nutty as well.
But Kimberly looks beautiful and I like the black dress she chose better than the white one we saw at Aunt Kathy’s. I do not however agree with the black on white on black tux her date just strolled in wearing. I do however agree with his swooning over his girlfriend in her pretty dress. Well played, sir.
Melissa: Ah yes, Kim… let’s check in on her recovery. Oh, it’s prom day for Kimberly so you know, since mom is coherent, she wants to do this one up big time. Her own prom was “pass the salt” – WTF does that even mean? Um, is she seriously tossing that salad with her hand? Wait little girl’s boyfriend is 20?! I’m sorry there’d be no way in hell at 16 my dad would have allowed me to ask a 20 year old to my prom! OK granted, I was 21 when my hubs was 16… But that’s not the point. Hang on, what was with the salad and cupcakes if they’re not staying? Maybe Kimberly gave him the heads up Mom was hand tossing the salad and he opted out.
The Butler Did It
Rachel: Yolanda is preparing for her dinner party and part of that preparation includes meeting with her caterer/butler. I’ve never seen such a proper caterer. I love it. She is very proud of her house and I do not blame her. It’s phenomenal. She is also very proud of her hostessing prowess. I’ll reserve my judgement on that one. Wait, is that a giant fruit & veggie crisper behind those glass doors? Holy crap! That display is nicer than Whole Foods. Makes me feel like I should go into my fridge and address that wilting lettuce.
Melissa: Her Butler rings the door? Doesn’t he have a key? Oh, he’s not a live-in – got it. If I were him, I’d try to score some live-in status with that awesome crib. I wonder if she knows about the Housewives dinner parties? They are a recipe for disaster, sweetie, no matter what the intention.
Gas On The Right, Brake On The Left
Rachel: Kyle’s daughter is studying for the written part of her driver’s test and doesn’t know that the double yellow lines on the street separate traffic going in opposite directions. SMH. Well, then let’s take her for her driving lesson in the Porsche. That makes sense. The girl doesn’t know what yellow lines on the road mean and you put her in a sports car worth more than what most people make in a year? Hey, it’s not my insurance policy.
Before they practice parallel parking, Kyle tells her daughter about when she stole Kim’s car at 16 and almost crashed it when a bee flew in. Awesome lessons, mom. Now let’s parallel park… on a curve. You couldn’t drive a block and find a stretch of road that was straight? Then again, the kid was driving with the emergency brake on… Not that we haven’t all done it. We just all knew what the emergency brake was when it was pointed out to us.
Melissa: It’s Drivers Ed time for Alexia. Now, I think the Ferrari stealing was a funny story, Kyle! Me looking like a spaz would go to the grave if no one saw me. Sadly, most of my spaz moments are with an audience.
Rachel: How much do I love that Lisa’s Bentley has pink Bs on the wheels? Now, that’s fabulously fancy. After the usual formalities, Kyle says she felt like Lisa was avoiding Adrienne at Portia’s birthday by saying she had an appointment. Lisa says she did have an appointment, but she also didn’t think a run-in at a 4-year-old’s party was appropriate either. Kyle tells Lisa that Adrienne asked her to set-up a meeting between them. Lisa wonders why Adrienne is so interested in talking to her considering she thinks she lacks integrity. Kyle just wants the group back together. You know, Kyle, sometimes you just have to realize that not everyone can be friends. I know there are those of you out there that think Lisa is being stubborn and holding a grudge, but I’m so on her side on this one. It’s one thing to have a tiff over something inane. It’s another to call into question someone’s character. That’s grounds for dismissal and Adrienne has been dismissed. There are women in my group who no longer speak and there are women in my group that I no longer speak to… You deal. When you’re in the same room, you smile politely and rotate around each other. Nobody else should have to deal with your petty fights. Or not so petty in this case.
Anywho, Kyle asks if they’ve seen each other in between. Lisa says nope. Not at all. But Lisa is willing to listen to Adrienne and move past, but she’s not interested in a relationship with her. Kyle says Paul is upset as well. Don’t push your luck, Kyle. Besides, what pray tell is Paul mad about?
Melissa: Love the juxtaposition of outfits between Lisa and Kyle. Do they really need to add “You didn’t say goodbye” to the pile in this fight?
Rachel: Aw, I miss the LA Flower Mart. It’s so awesome. Gorgeous flowers direct from wholesalers in Downtown, LA. You can’t beat the prices, but you do have to go at the crack of dawn. She’s not crazy for going at 5am. Well, a little. And those tulips Yolanda bought are stunning. I do appreciate that she is doing her own arrangements for her party. She thinks she should have been Martha Stewart’s daughter. Look, I’m not counting the rings on your tree, Yolanda darling, but I’m thinking you mean sister. But that’s neither here nor there.
Let’s take a walk with Yolanda out to the rose garden to pick some fresh petals for her tables. Oh and look a lemon orchard. Everyone has a one of those, right? And I love that Yolanda wears the same tight workout gear in different colors every time we see her around the house. She’s like the Albert Einstein of exercise clothes.
Butler Richard is awesome. I need to have a party… in LA… at someone’s house… with their money… so I can hire Richard. And are we not going to get an explanation as to why the tall people have to sit on one side of the table? Is this rich people party etiquette I know nothing about?
Melissa: I like that at least she’s setting up for her party. I wish I could stroll into my gardens to pluck rose petals for my table.
Deep Breath & A Little Nip
Rachel: Kim heads to Malibu with Paul & Adrienne for Yolanda’s dinner. On the way, Kim tells them that she has her ups & down and still has a hard time with some of her relationships. Adrienne says that everyone has those issues so she should just take a deep breath and move on. You know, like she does with Lisa. Wait, what? You’ve moved on? Funny, I didn’t realize that from the way you are continuing to talk about it. And Paul, come on. The Maloof Hoof is still an issue with you? She apologized for it and said she meant no ill will. It was a joke. And you know what, it was kinda funny. I still don’t quite get why that was such a drama. Oh right, Lisa also called their dog Jackpot, Crackpot. Yeah, that’s the same as accusing someone on national television of selling friends’ personal information to tabloids for money. Totally on the same level. I can see why you’re standing firm in your self-righteousness. I mean I know I feel better when I bring up the past over & over as a way to mitigate my own culpability in a fight.
Kim feels like everyone just needs to keep it together because this is Yolanda’s first dinner party. Oh Kim, from your mouth …
Melissa: What’s with the careful step-by-step down the stairs, Kim? Anyone think she took a couple of nips before heading out the door? OK, so she’s still working on her life and has her ups and downs. I get that. But seriously, I have to agree with Rachel that something is still off with Miss Kim. Listening to her in the limo, she seem as bijiggity and slurry as she was during her self-medication period, no?
Drunk Women, Ugly Women
Rachel: And so it begins… Yolanda’s first turn as a Housewife hostess. Good luck, lady. We arrive in time to hear about how she planned every inch of her home to have a “punch” from every room. Those “punches” are the views and they are stunning. I give her a huge tip ‘o the hat. This home is simply magnificent. And thank you for not going all gaudy gothic like some of the other, ahem, ladies.
Taylor, Kyle & Mauricio are the first to arrive. Kyle wonders where Taylor’s gift is. Tsk tsk, Taylor. Going empty-handed to a dinner party? If you fought so hard for the zipcode, perhaps you should have learned the etiquette that goes with it. But judging from the previews, it seems you are saving your “gift” for David Foster for later in the evening.
Can I please tell you how refreshing it is that Yolanda is attending her own dinner party in jeans? I’m sure the jeans cost more than my rent, but hey, I still like the casual attitude. And that really was a refrigerator we saw earlier! That is bananas… and cucumbers and asparagus. Hmmm… how to score a dinner invitation to Yolanda & David’s….
Lisa & Ken are next through the door and Lisa looks petrified. I’ve never seen her look so off her game. I guess the prospect of seeing Adrienne has her rattled. And speaking of… so arrives the enemy. Paul walks up to the group as Lisa turns and walks away. Aw Lis, you could have said “hi” for the sake of harmony because now everyone has to listen to Paul drop f-bombs all over the house.
Time to dine… Yes, must figure out how to score an invite to this home. David is proud of his wife for being a wonderful hostess without being frou frou. He hates hates hates frou frou. He also is shocked at how many women don’t know how to be good homemakers and hostesses anymore. Oh boy, I think the phones at NOW just started ringing from women ready to turn him in for that comment.
Chris Botti, the famous trumpeter & dinner guest, says he’s covered in Botox except for around his mouth because that would make it impossible for him to play. I’m going to forego a rant about a man with that much ‘Tox in his face because I’m too busy shaking my head at Taylor. She thinks his comment is an opportunity to slaughter Brandi. I don’t know either. She says that if she were here tonight, she’d “be going down right now.” Now, I don’t know about you folks, but my brain processes that a certain way. And it’s a way that’s inappropriate for the dinner table and for the stranger sitting next to you. Undeterred by the clearly uncomfortable and uninterested response of the people around her, she brings up Brandi’s joke about having slept with every man in Beverly Hills. Oh come on, Taylor. Grow up and get over yourself. It was a joke. A tacky joke, yes, but still a joke. She didn’t really sleep with the, by your calculations, 16,000 men in the 90210. Yolanda is not amused and thinks there is nothing more ugly than a drunk woman. Well then it’s a good thing she didn’t get a look at my mug last night.
David tells the table that Mohammad, Yolanda’s ex-husband, introduced them to each other. When they met, she gave him the once over to check his shoes. My girl. It was love from that moment. And Lisa was there when he proposed to Yolanda. Insert eye roll from the Maloof-Nassif side of the table.
So, there is a tradition at the Foster dinner parties; after dinner, there is a little bit of music played for the guests. David will be playing with Michael Johns from American Idol fame and Chris Botti. Wow, I hope these people realize how amazing an honor it is to have David Foster play for them. I would probably cry. Seriously. Then he toasts his wife and tells everyone how much he loves her. I might cry now… both because of how beautiful that was and how pathetic my dating life is. Now I need an invitation to Mohammad’s too. Kyle asks what his favorite song he’s ever written is. He plays and Michael sings “Look What You’ve Done To Me” from Urban Cowboy. How can you not be thrilled to be at this dinner party? Kyle certainly is, as that song was one of her mother’s favorite songs. Kim is brought to tears by the memories. Such a moment. I’m kvelling.
Everyone takes their chair from the dining room over to the piano. Kyle wants one of those cute little phonograph trophies on top of his piano. He tells her they’re Grammys and she’s shocked. What did you think they were? Tis time to play and David jokes about the other women trying to sing with Nita, who did the demos for The Bodyguard (aka did Whitney before Whitney). He tells them they don’t sing or speak when she’s singing and actually laughs about it. Quite frankly, if he had been serious, I’d be ok with it. But I’m not there. Unfortunately, Taylor is. Taylor who has taken the admonishment personally and is making a scene out of it. How about just shut up and enjoy the HUGE gift you’re about to receive, you cackling hen? She also doesn’t enjoy his choice of song, “Danny Boy”, so Paul interrupts and asks for a happier tune because, you know, Taylor is upset. Are you serious right now? GET THE FUCK OVER YOURSELF TAYLOR!!! And then she has the gaul to say that it ruined her night so thanks a lot Yolanda. Yep, time to take out the trash. Bye bye, Taylor. Seriously, I want to drop a word on her right now, but I actually am a lady and will refrain. Though I wouldn’t be mad if someone “accidentally” tripped her on her way out the door.
Melissa: So Yolanda built that awesome house… Good on ya, woman. I think you should invite TWB for your next dinner party so you can show us around. Yes Kyle, the same butler should be your first omen of the evening. I’m calling shenanigans on David not knowing everyone’s names… You know he watches RHOBH! Side bar… I love a dining table that fits 2 at the end for the host and hostess. OK, sorry… Need to interject on David’s comments that he’s shocked most people don’t know how to be good hostesses. I’m going to have to beg to differ, I know MANY lovely hostesses who manage to do it all without a staff to support the activity.
Taylor better keep her voice down before Yolanda calls her out on dinner drunkenness. How cool must that be to just ask the hubs to play a little something after dinner? I mean mine does, but it’s really just turning Pandora on. I don’t get Taylor’s obnoxiousness over not singing. Well, I get she’s a few sheets but really… it’s not like you’re in your car, honey. You’re in a room with world-renowned musicians on national television. Get it together. What’s with Yolanda just kicking everyone out? I mean, I’ve had to pass out a coat or two with some stragglers, but her entire dinner party was still gathered around the piano like she asked them to. Now it’s a conga line out the door? I’m so confused over this.
Rachel: Did anyone else notice that it says Villa Rosa on either side of Lisa’s front doors? I’ve never understood naming a house, but I suppose if you’re going to, this would be the most appropriate one.
Anywho, Lisa has agreed to go & meet Adrienne for a drink after the awkwardness that was Yolanda’s dinner party. Ken wants to know if Adrienne’s going to apologize. Lisa doesn’t know but she feels like she has to go. Ken would like her to remember how nasty Adrienne was to her and fans the flames. Simmer down, Ken. Your wife is doing the right thing. It’s called a truce. They’re not going to be the best of friends, but at least there will be peace. Why are the men so riled up about a tiff between the two women? They’re actually the most catty of the bunch! Oh wait, I take that back. Lisa just said if Adrienne doesn’t apologize herself – apparently, she usually has someone do it for her – the meeting will be as short as she is. I hereby remove the catty crown from Ken’s head and place it back on Lisa’s. Carry on.
But we’ll have to wait until next week for the Lisa v Adrienne showdown. Oh Bravo, you big tease!
Melissa: OK Ken, pipe down about Adrienne. That said, I love that little makeup space of Lisa’s. I want one of those!
Rachel: Well, my vote for asshole of the week goes to Taylor. All that mumbo jumbo about her being in a better place was apparently only if that place doesn’t serve wine.
Melissa: Hey, wait a minute! Where the hell was crazy Brandi??