Real Housewives of Atlanta Season 5, Week 3 – Call Me Miss USA

One Sentence Summary:  Kenya continues her campaign to prove she is no Miss Congeniality.

Is this what they use at foam parties?

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   Yep, still can’t stand Kenya.  Still can’t find one reason to keep her on this show.  She isn’t even a good villain. I’m not waiting to see what insane crap she pulls this week.  I just know it’s going to be rude and annoying.  Not crazy.  Not interesting.  Not funny.  Nope just plain irritating.  I mean I know Nene found her happy place so we’re probably not going to have any “I’m very rich, bitch” moments this year.  And Sheree is gone leaving us without any “Check me, boo” potential.  But Kenya?  Really?  I’d rather listen to Kim bitch about her house than listen to this maniac talk about her Miss USA crown… wait, maybe not.  Anyway, we get to finally meet Porsha this week, so let’s get this party started and see what Mrs. Kordell Stewart brings to the party.

With These Feet, I Thee Beg

If I’d have known you gave foot massages, I would have kept you company when you were lonely, Gregg.

Wow, Gregg really meant it when he said he’d do anything to win Nene back.  The two of them are having side-by-side pedicures and sipping champagne.  Now, that’s a man secure in his manhood.  Personally, I’d like to see more men getting pedis.  I mean have you seen some of the platypus feet walking around this earth?  Of course I also think men should shave their armpits, but that’s for another day. And I wonder why I’m single.  Anywho, Nene is off to NYC and needs Gregg to watch Brent.  Gregg will but he needs a key.  Actually he needs two; one to her house and one to her heart.  Oh no.  Did he just go there?  He did.  But I guess it’s cute.  He’s trying.  He gets props for that.  He tells Nene that he’s also considering opening an office in LA so he’ll need a key for her place there too.  She says he can have a key to the hotel down the street.  Aw, play nice, Nene.  But he does have some serious work to do.  He says he wants to prove he’s a changed man.  She says just change and he’ll get a key.

But Gregg isn’t playing, y’all.  No he’s bringing his A game to the salon today.  He recites some poetry.  Well, poetry is probably overstating it.  He actually says two sentences that rhyme.  Then he interrupts his own pedi to lotion up his formerly betrothed’s feet.  I do like a man that’s not afraid of a foot massage.  You come at me with, “Oh, I don’t like feet.” we’ll have problems.  And as this is going down, Miss Lawrence comes strutting around the corner.  Oh, how happy I am to see him.  I love me some Lawrence.  He tells Gregg to just chill, be sincere & genuine and wait for the universe.  Oh now Nene is the universe?  OK, I’m ok with that.  I think Gregg should take that advice… and the advice of Nene to stop writing poetry.  Yeah, Walt Whitman you are not.

Video Chick

What do you want to do with my donkey booty?

Apollo has just been officially certified as a trainer & nutritionist.  Phaedra would like to know what role he plans to play in her Donkey Booty video.  Need I tell you the response?  No, I didn’t think so.  She would like the video to show women how to get a donkey booty without breaking a sweat.  Black ladies don’t like to sweat and get their hair wet.  So, it will be a beginner’s video.  Um, it will be a waste of time is what it will be.  How do you expect anyone to end up with a firm ass if they don’t actually work at it?  Look, if you can figure it out, give me a call.  I’ll be the first to sign up.  And I will be looking forward to the follow-up DVD – Firm Thighs Without Getting Out Of Bed.

Poor Kim

Anyone notice that Kroy always has a Big Gulp with him at all times?

Oh, here we go again.  Kim is still about to be homeless and there is not one single house in the whole of Atlanta that she likes enough to buy.  Then go to the townhouse and shut-up about it already.  You’ve got 3 kids that aren’t interested in being squatters while you find the perfect house to move into.  And I can promise you that KJ could care less about a basketball court.  I asked him.

Seems their landlord is over them as well.  Their lease is up and she would like them out.  Yeah, that’s how it works, Kim.  So back to the townhouse it is to live like peasants in 5,000 square feet.  Oh, how ever will you survive?  How could anyone live in such squalor? I want to throttle her.  But before she leaves her manse, she’s going to rip out every flower she had planted there.  I love how indignant she is about all of this.  As if she’s the only person that’s ever had to deal with a lease coming to an end & a landlord not interested in releasing the property.  It’s not like the date snuck up on you.  On top of it, you voluntarily put money into it.  No one told you to do it.  You could have had it appraised first, but you didn’t.  Anyone with half a brain knows that any money you put into a rental is money you aren’t getting back.  But Kim would have to actually have half a brain…

And with that, Kroy tells us he’s going skinny dipping which leads to another conversation about how much they love to have sex with each other and how they’re going to end up with 100 kids.  First of all, ew.  Second of all, EW.  And third of all, BIRTH CONTROL!  There are all kinds of newfangled ways to prevent conception out there.  Get to know some.  Please spare the world more spawn from the two of you.  Please.  I beg.

Star Power

You did not just ask me a personal question without my permission, did you?

Finally, we get to meet Porsha who is meeting Kenya for lunch to discuss her upcoming charity event.  She would like Kenya to attend the event benefitting the Hosea Williams  Foundation, which was started by and named after her grandfather.  Kenya, being the celebrity that she is, is used to being invited to make appearances at events.  Since this is the best-known Atlanta charity, she agreed (deigned?) to meet with Porsha.  How generous of Kenya since she has her own charity – The Kenya Moore Foundation, of course.

After Kenya accepts the invitation to attend, Porsha turns the conversation to relationships.  This perturbs Kenya.  Then again, the wind blowing the wrong way perturbs Kenya.  She doesn’t understand why this woman is asking her personal questions.  Uh, because you’re sitting across the table from her having lunch.  I mean maybe you’re not interested in sharing your plans for children, but you can’t be mad at someone for trying to make conversation.  I’m going to take a leap here and say that Porsha didn’t have any intention of asking something that would insult her.  I don’t think her waters run that deep… just taking an education guess here.  But Miss Thang is so deeply insecure that she sees everything as an attack.  Clearly she thinks that Porsha was judging her for not having been married or having children.  Oh Kenya, please get yourself some therapy.  If not for you, then for me… and the rest of the viewing audience.

Kenya has had enough as Porsha goes on about babies and how you can predict the sex of your kids by using Chinese calendars, and turns the conversation away from fertility doctors (you know since she’s “of a certain age”) back to the charity event which she finds out will be women-only.   Kenya says that she has met some high society girls – Nene Leakes & Phaedra Parks – and could bring them to the event.  Porsha says they are already volunteers and makes an insinuation that they only show for photo ops.  Hmm… watch your step, sweetheart.  You don’t want to piss all the ladies off before you get through an episode.  Just focus on pissing off one at a time.  You’re already on pace to really tick off Kenya so let’s go with that.  There you go, asking her to wear her tiara and “satchel” to the event should ratchet up her annoyance with you a few levels.  And really?  Satchel?  It’s a sash, honey.  Wow, not the brightest bulb on the scoreboard, are you?

The Charmed Life

Did they have to make an extra big tiara for your extra big head?

Oh now we get the whole Porsha story.  She’s the granddaughter of Hosea Williams who was Martin Luther King’s right-hand man.  Wow, that’s quite the pedigree.  He started his charity to feed and clothes the poor.  It’s really important right now because of the … oh what’s the word… recession.  Work it out, girl.  This charity is very important to her and the purpose of her life… Well that and shopping with her other friends that don’t work.  Mmhmm… keep talking.  You’re painting a very clear picture for us here at home.

She is also married to ex-NFL star Kordell Stewart.  Apparently she didn’t know who he was when they started dating.  Oh look, a picture of them lounging on a daybed.  I find it so interesting that rich people love to take professional pictures of themselves in various stages of canoodling and then share with the world.  It’s the epitome of vanity.  Why do you think I want to see that?  I don’t.  Porsha tells us that she didn’t have to clean, sweep or vacuum once during their first year of marriage so she’s very blessed.  OK, little miss vapid has shown up.  Why was I waiting to meet her again?  Oh yeah, she’s married to an ex-Steeler.

The Mean Streets of NYC

Nobody was surprised when Nene beat Cynthia in an arm-wrestling contest.

Nene is in NYC for press week to help promote her show, The New Normal, for NBC.  Cynthia is town as well for a modeling gig.  They meet at Nene’s hotel for some champagne and puffery.  Nene tells us that she is not going to let disingenuous people bring her down.  And by people, she means Kim.  She’s going to climb the success ladder with dignity.  Do it, girl.  Kim certainly isn’t.

As Nene gets her make-up and hair done – which was already done by the way – Cynthia tells her that she wants to take her around the city and show her how she did it when she was broke.  You know, the real NYC.  Why do I think Cynthia’s “real” NYC still isn’t all that real?  Nene’s never been on the subway.  This is crazy talk to Cynthia and she’s on a mission to make that happen.  She also wants Nene to eat a hot dog from a street vendor.  Nene’s done the hot dog eating & isn’t planning to do it again.  I have to agree with her there.  That is some nasty nasty food.  Can you even call it food?  So subway, yes.  Danger dog, no.

Bo Hog Tied

Uncle Robert has some knowledge that might benefit her “Bedroom Kandi” line.

Kandi has found a renter for her old house so she has to move all of her belongings out. It’s a big move for her seeing as how she bought it when she was 19-years-old.  Damn, I was trying to figure out how to scrape together enough money to go out on Saturday night and eat that week when I was 19.  She feels like it should be more emotional for her, but she think it’s not because she knows it’s time to move on.  How mature of you, Kandi.  Kim, take note.  Her mom & her uncle Robert have come over to help her move.  Uncle Robert used to be a professional mover and regales us with tales of moving refrigerators with hump straps back in the day.  That’s awesome.  I love Uncle Robert.  Can he be on the show more?

When she finds one of her “Bedroom Kandi” boxes sitting out, she wants to know how it ended up in the middle of her bedroom.  Uncle Robert says it wasn’t him.  He has his own “bedroom candy” in the form of Bo Hog Root.  Seems it’s nature’s viagra and he is doing just fine with it.  Go Uncle Robert!

Two Scoops

Eyeing the competition.

Kenya & Phaedra meet up for a little girl time and some homemade gelato.  Phaedra will have two scoops to go with her two scoops of donkey booty.  Kenya, on the other hand, needs a drink and doesn’t waste any time letting everyone know that it’s her world and we’re all just living in it as she starts screaming “Barkeep!”  She laughs it off, but I seriously want to punch her in her face.  Hard.  She is so obnoxious.  That is one of my biggest pet peeves; being rude to servers and salespeople.  Phaedra thinks she’s eccentric.  I think she’s an asshole.  This might be my first fight with Phaedra.  I don’t approve of this friendship.  But then again, I know I won’t have to wait long for it to self-destruct thanks to Kenya’s upcoming flirtation with Apollo.  Thank you, previews!

Phaedra tells Kenya about her idea for a fitness video.  Kenya says she has a full-service production company so they should partner up.  Phaedra like the idea because she likes to give other women the opportunity to shine.  And then they can do a post-pregnancy video after Phaedra has another baby.  Uh, why don’t we get through project #1 first.  Kenya says she’s working on getting engaged.  She doesn’t like to push but she’s making her feelings known.  Then she tells us about her mother trying to put her up for adoption and how she has been tortured by her mother’s mental illness her whole life.  She apparently has never spoken to Kenya and denies ever even having a kid.  Wow, that’s deep.  And I do have a teeny tiny place in my heart that feels sad for her.  But she has gone through counseling to learn how to stop treating people badly.  So you went to this counseling between now & the last time we saw you?  I’m pretty sure we’ve seen you do nothing but treat people badly since you stepped in front of the camera.  I’d demand my money back if I were you.

F Train

But how do I know where I am?

It’s a rainy day in NYC as Cynthia & Nene get ready to take the subway.  Nene has her finest studded stilettos on to commemorate her first trip beneath the mean streets of the city.  Nene loves people watching but gets a little weirded out when she realizes that they’re all watching her. Welcome to fame.  Sort of takes the anonymity out of the whole “living among the people” principle Cynthia so badly wants to share.  When they actually get on the train, a girl asks if she was on Glee.  She & her friends are aspiring actors and fans of Nene’s.  Nene gives them some positivity and encouragement.  She tells us that she enjoyed the train, but won’t be making a habit out of it.  I know I sound like a broken record, but it is so nice to see Nene happy and fun again.

Now it’s time for a street dog.  Aw no, don’t do it, Nene.  She doesn’t.  She lets Cynthia enjoy the experience all on her own.  Wise choice, Nene.  That’s an adventure your arteries are glad you skipped.

That’s Miss USA. Don’t Get It Twisted.

Oh no, is she really going to embarrass me at yet another function?

Time for the big charity event.  Oh wait, there are only 30 people attending so I guess it’s really a mini charity event.  But hey, they’re the most powerful 30 women in Atlanta so it’s all good.  The most powerful minus Kandi, Nene, Cynthia, Phaedra and Kim.  I guess they don’t rank.  Whoops.

Kenya arrives with her friend Kanya.  Yep, you read that right.  Wait, did Kenya say being part of the Miss USA organization has made her a part of history?  Holy overstatement, Batman!  She says the only reason she’s attending tonight is to lend her name so that she can watch the donations roll in.  She is shocked to see such a small crowd when there were supposed to be tons of important people there.  But the only important person to Kenya is Kenya.  Honey, you are making me crazy.  Seriously, please go to the bathroom and let some of the air out of your head.

Kenya’s incessant attention-whoring at the table is interrupted as Kordell enters the room.  He brings Porsha a cake in the shape of a purse and a gift from Chanel.  Um, why are you bringing her a gift at a charity event?  I mean you’re there to raise money for people who can’t afford groceries and you bring in a Chanel purse?  Anyone else think that might just be a tad bit tacky?  Or incredibly tacky?  He says this is an opportunity for his wife to show how much of a humanitarian she is.  I thought it was an opportunity to raise money for a charity.  Clearly I know nothing.  He hands her a check and she starts screaming about how they raised some money.  She hugs him and thanks him.  Wait, did he write a personal check or was that what the ladies raised from ticket sales?  I’m so confused.  This whole thing is making my head spin.

Time for Porsha to take the mic.  She welcomes all the powerful ladies, including former Miss America Kenya Moore.  Oh boy, that’s going to go over like a ton of bricks.  When Porsha tries to figure out what year she was crowned, Kenya takes the opportunity to correct her and not mention the year.  Yeah, it’s Miss USA and the year is none of anyone’s business.  You know, because we can’t just look it up online or anything. Porsha apologizes for the blunder and tries to bring the awareness back to the charity, but the damage is done.  Kenya is mad.  She just thinks it’s so disrespectful.  You know it’s like if you said Michelle Obama was the First Lady of Zimbabwe.  Actually, it’s not like that at all. Being the First Lady is hardly on the same level of Miss USA.  Again, take it down a notch.  Yeah, Porsha  should have known better, but she’s not exactly setting the world on fire with her genius.  I mean is it really worth making a scene over?  It is?  Oh, sorry.

Now Kenya says that she is so cold she can barely stand being in there so she’s going to have to step outside.  Did anyone at the table buy that?  When she gets to the parking lot, she calls Lawrence and says that she’s ready to go because this “heifer” called her Miss America.  Yeah, that teeny tiny part of my heart that felt compassion for Kenya is getting smaller by the moment.  Porsha comes out to make sure everything is OK and gets the stank face attitude from Kenya.  Lawrence arrives and says that Porsha should have known the difference.  Fan the flames, Lawrence.  Fan the flames.  This just sets Kenya all off on a rant about how she will curse your ass out for not knowing her title.  Oh I would love to put this bitch in a room with The Countess & The Princess and see whose title wins.

Porsha comes back out to let Kenya know that she is missing dinner.  She is greeted by Kenya telling Lawrence, for Porsha’s benefit clearly, that she was invited by “this lady she just met the other day” who couldn’t even remember her title.  Porsha says she’s being disrespectful. Oh no no no, it’s Kenya that’s being disrespectED.  She should have known her title.  Yeah, she should have. But she didn’t.  She apologized.  Let it go.  What’s disrespectful, Kenya, is having a tantrum over something that petty and walking out on a charity event being hosted in the founder’s home. What a classy woman would have done is corrected her, finished her meal with a smile on her face and left without another word.  If you don’t want to attend another event, fine.  Your call.  But really, the response is so out of proportion with the incident.  Porsha agrees that it’s enough and asks her to leave.  This sends Kenya off the rails insulting the charity, the smell of the air around her and Porsha’s grandfather’s home.  And Porsha responds in kind.  Ah, ladies.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Well, I was hoping for a better first impression of Porsha than that, but I still like her better than Kenya.  I mean stupid is better than mean any day of the week.


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