One Sentence Summary: I catch up and someone wins a modeling contract that will ultimately land them a career as a TV host on another reality show.
Rachel: Oh my, am I behind. So sorry. I’m not going to go into more explanations about traveling and such. I’m just going to get right into it as I have a lot to cover. And some of it better be my joy at watching Kristin go home. And if that could be now, all the better.
Oh but I did hear an amazing interview with Kelly Cutrone on the Judith Regan Show when I was in LA that gave me an intense new respect for her. She is no doubt tough, but there is a beating heart in that chest of hers. No really! Actually quite a sensitive and generous one. She does an amazing amount of work with the homeless and was pretty much a down-to-earth cool chick. So, a tip of the hat to Kelly. You have a new fan.
Episode 10 – The Girl That Becomes Art For Tyra
Hey look, it’s Kristin and she thinks everyone is super annoying. Uhhh, I hate to break the news to her that she’s actually the one that’s super annoying. Beyond super annoying. And then
we have Laura bitching about it not being fair that Leila is back since she didn’t have to do all the work that they’ve had to do… except that she did all the work. That’s how she got back on the show. These girls really aren’t too smart, are they?
Today’s challenge is with Cedella Marley – yes another of Bob’s kids – and it involves modeling her swimsuits with a dolphin as your prop. We learn that Tyra is petrified of dolphins. How is anyone petrified of a dolphin? Well, consider the source.
Laura tells us she is representing women who are fit and muscular. She’s not tiny like these girls who are double zeros. So a size 2 is showing real women? Who knew! Though she does get props for having a great bod and not being a stick figure. I’m just jealous… as usual. The girls take turns posing with a dolphin who finally has had enough & slaps Leila on her thigh as he bolts from the nonsense. I think the dolphin should win the challenge for that. But Leila wins the challenge & Kristin loses her shit. Of course she does. But I love watching her cry like the bitch that she is. Yeah, I’ve lost all patience with her.
For the photo challenge, Tyra is shooting the girls as fierce warriors in Dunn Rivers Falls. She wants the photos to be more art than fashion because the winning picture will be hanging in her salon at home. Hey, don’t be channeling Andre Leon Tally. And thanks for letting us all know that you’re remodeling your home. We paupers are in awe. Anywho, Tyra enjoys shooting all the girls… except Laura. She was disappointed she didn’t bring more and doesn’t have as many angles as the other girls. She was surprised that Kristin didn’t complain about having a giant curtain hanging from her heard. So are we, Tyra.
At panel, the girls get their reviews with Leila scoring a perfect 30 and Kiara close behind with a 29. Anyone else think Rob & Nastasia are doing the dirty behind the scenes? Or will be by the end of the season? I sure do. Laura & Kristin pretty much know they’re going to be in the Bottom Two having gotten mediocre reviews in panel and low challenge scores.
As the girls wait backstage for the judges to tally up their scores – isn’t the shit electronically calculated? – Kiara & Leila congratulate each other on their awesome scores and Kristin loses her shit. She says she’s being disrespected by their celebrations because they have no concern for the fact that some people are scared they may be going home. And by some people, she means herself. One can only hope… And honestly Kristin, it’s shocking you didn’t burst into flames at the hypocrisy of you demanding respect. You haven’t respected a single person for a single moment this entire season. I can’t wait for you to get sent packing tonight.
Leila wins best picture but Tyra announces that Kiara will be hanging in her salon. Wait, thems not the rules! Oh right, Tyra makes the rules. But that’s neither here nor there as both Laura & Kristin get their reality check of being in the Bottom Two. And it’s Kristin that is going home! Finally! Happy dance! Of course, she’s happy that she never has to see any of these girls that she hates ever again. Honey, we feel the same way. Trust me.
Wait there are boys on the next cycle? But boys don’t have cycles…
Episode 11 – The Girl Who Freaks Out On Horseback
Kristin’s gone! Kristin’s gone! I don’t care about anything else! It’s like that moment in The Wizard of Oz when everyone starts singing “Ding Dong The Witch Is Dead”. Just joy.
The girls’ challenge today involves more animals. This time it’s horses. Laura is
excited because back home she has acres and acres of land with horses and ponds. Watch yourself Laura with the bragitude or you might find yourself accidentally held under water by Kiara. Today’s guest judge is Yendi Phillips, a former Miss Jamaica and spokesperson for the Jamaica Tourist Board. She tells the girls that
they will be doing a commercial for the Tourist Board, on horseback, with a script they write themselves. Ha. This ought to be comical.
Laura is first and works the horse, but mangles the script. Leila, having just been “attacked” by a dolphin is now scared of the horse. Um, methinks “attacked” is overstating it a bit. It’s not like they had to wrestle you back from the jaws of death. It was an accident with a dolphin fin, not Jaws. So simmer down there, Roy Scheider. After a hysterical crying fit, she collects herself and get her spot in the can. Nastasia completely blanks. Kiara f-bombs her way through her first take, but thanks to some deep breathing, she nails take 2 and wins the challenge. She also wins more attitude from Laura who was pretty sure the win was hers. Nope, Kira is the new face of a worldwide campaign. Way to hit the gas pedal on the final lap, Kiara.
Jez Smith is today’s photographer for a photo shoot for the Dreams Come True perfume. And it’s another bathing suit shoot. Laura is too sexy. Leila has a hard time finding the joy after her nerves get the best of her. Kiara & Nastasia get good reviews.
At panel, the girls get their reviews and it’s mostly too something… Too sexy, too wistful, too innocent… But best photo goes to Kiara. Laura & Nastasia are in the Bottom Two. Nastasia going home. Aw, I like Nastasia but we all saw that coming. Wonder if Rob made her feel all better? I actually think they’d make an awesome little couple.
Finale – Episode 12 – The Girl That Becomes America’s Next Top Model
Well, I was wondering how we made it through an entire season with hardly any Tyra cray cray. Turns out she was saving the best for last. We start tonight’s finale with Tyra in full supermodel form telling us about tonight’s haunted runway show in some kind of accent that combines English, Jamaican and a healthy dose of bad acting. We also find out that the house where the show will be is “haunted” by a woman who murdered anyone whose smize rivaled her own. Then we see “Pot Ledom” scrawled in lipstick on a mirror. Really? That survived the overhaul, but Nigel didn’t? That’s the scariest part of this whole thing.
Oh sorry, the cray was only just beginning. Now, we have Tyra announcing to the runway crowd in her Jamaican accent that this is the moment we’ve all been waiting for. Tonight’s show brings us all the beauty of Jamaica including the music and the dancehall crew. Now we get Southern Tyra asking Kelly & Johnny what’s happening backstage. The girls are getting ready and the winner tonight will fly to LA for a shoot for their Smashbox campaign with photographer Davis Factor, founder of Smashbox. All the eliminated girls – including Kristin, ack – are back to model, as is last season’s winner, Sophie.
As we wait for the runway show, we see the Nine West photo shoot the girls did this week. Nine West is one of Kelly’s clients so she needs them to not f**k it up. Seems reasonable. Jez Smith is the photographer again and he is butting heads
with Kelly within 5 minutes. I’m understanding where Kelly is coming from, as she’s technically the client, but she could handle it a bit better. And this interruption to Laura’s shoot brings her to tears. Honey, have a conversation, not a tantrum. Johnny talks her off the ledge and sends her back to the dressing room. Leila has a hard time connecting to the fact that she’s selling shoes so she needs to pay attention to her feet. Really Leila? You must know better than that. Kiara didn’t bring the energy or open eyes. Too much smize can be a problem apparently.
Now we have the Nylon photo shoot with photographer Jimmy Fontaine & Fashion Director J. Errico. J thinks Laura is beautiful but may be too commercial – though commercial makes money. Laura is feeling good because she’s overcome her insecurities. Kiara reminds us for the millionth time that she’s doing this for her family. And Leila thinks her quirky looks are perfect for Nylon. J agrees.
But it’s not all work as Tyra has a surprise for the girls. Laura’s parents show up and all my Dynasty love comes bubbling to the top as John James rolls in. And I have to say that I love how Laura’s mom can’t stop gushing at how beautiful her daughter is while hugging her. That’s sweet. Leila’s mom shows up next for another tearful moment. BTW, Leila’s mom is about 5 feet tall. Too cute. Last but not least, Kiara’s grandmother. I must be tired because all this love is making me a little misty.
Time for the runway… and more Tyra theatrics. Oh they even got Rob in on the
nonsense with a silly video to open the show. Aw lawd, now the audience has to wear Eyes Wide Shut masks, which ought to make watching the show so much more enjoyable. Time for the girls to fight for their mortal smizes… You can’t make this shit up. Oh wait, someone did. The girls are having to walk down two flights of stairs which are no problem for Laura & Kiara. Leila, on the other hand, falls… twice. Poor girl. But she handles it like a champ. No tears. Nope the tears are Kiara’s who is hyperventilating in her second look. My goodness with the drama. She manages down the runway for her second time. Now, let’s see if Leila can do as well. And she makes it. Whew.
Awww… it’s our last panel. Laura is first. She won 3 challenges this season and that means she gets $30k if she wins. Her runway gets dinged for the awkward cupping of her right hand. Kelly doesn’t think she’s a runway model, but that doesn’t mean she can’t be successful. Rob thinks she’s more commercial than high-fashion, but that isn’t always a bad thing. Kiara won 4 challenges so she’s banked $40k. Bryanboy & Rob love her walk and she’s the only one that put one foot in front of the other like a “proper” runway model. Kelly says it was a pleasure to watch her on the runway. This is how it should be done. Tyra says looking straight ahead & walking down the stairs is hard but it’s also Top Model ability. Her athleticism helped her out. Leila gets $10k if she wins. Tyra says part of her problem on the runway is that she doesn’t move her arms which is part of what helps keep you balanced. Kelly says she’s be fired if she had been the one that cast her. Leila tries to explain, but Kelly doesn’t have any interest in hearing it. You either do it or you don’t. And she didn’t. Tyra says her mess-ups were in her head.
Nine West campaign – Laura did well. Kelly was impressed that she handled herself well when she & Jez were fighting. She says she was uncomfortable because she didn’t know what to do. Rob says the photo is a bit sexy but that’s just her look. Bryanboy likes the picture a lot. Tyra thinks it’s stunning and she was tooching with her shoes – shoey tooching. Stop it, Tyra. Just stop it. Kiara is next and Bryanboy is disappointed in her shoot. However, the fans felt differently. Rob says the bottom half of her doesn’t look good. Tyra says she’s resting and that’s not what a mass ad does. You have to pop. Leila’s ad is the best photo for Kelly because it’s youthful and fresh. Tyra says it’s high-fashion going on a date with commercial, the perfect message of the two. BTW, where do they find these people whose videos they show. Really what’s happening with that pancho? Rob thinks it’s the best picture. If she works on her runway, she can really clean up as a model.
The judges will now deliberate and give them a score based on their entire season. They will then add that to their average challenge score and their average social media score. We don’t get to hear their scores before the big announcement. Nope we get to watch the ticker roll like every week. Tyra tells us the first name that she’s going to call in NOT America’s Next Top Model. Can’t you say second runner-up? It’s so much nicer. Leila gets that honor with a final score of 35.2. That’s crap. I love her. She’s a much better model and would have rocked the runway if Tyra hadn’t fired Miss Jay. Just sayin…
And America’s Next Top Model is…. Laura.
She beat out Kiara with a score of 41.2 to 36.6. I don’t love her but she is gorgeous and takes amazing pictures. I love how happy her parents are.
Bottom Line: You know I can’t break my ANTM habit, but they need to go back and rethink all this new nonsense from the season.