One Sentence Summary: The ladies continue their stand-offs refusing to more forward while the men run a mile in their shoes.
Rachel: So the good news is that Melissa is back in business with power AND cable. The bad news is that you still have only me tonight for the show review. I know one Winey Bitch is like the chocolate without the peanut butter (not sure which one of us is which) but I will try and do some justice to tonight’s show. I’ve got a few glasses of wine under my belt and another W in the Steelers win column so I’m feeling pretty darn good. The only thing that can harsh this fabulous buzz is if Brandi’s kids pee on Kyle’s lawn during Portia’s birthday party. Think she’ll get a pony too? But as long as I have Lisa to keep me laughing, I think I’ll emerge on the other side relatively unscathed. I will try my hardest to make sure you do too. Shall we?
Still Not My Fault
We start tonight with another Adrienne shopping trip. This time it’s with Kyle for Portia’s birthday. Wow, did that say $300 for a kid’s dress? I’m sorry. I know I have not brought forth into this world a little person, but it seems ridiculous to spend that kind of money on something that will be worn maybe twice before they grow out of it. Then again, I don’t have a 10,000 square foot spa in my house either… or 10,000 square feet in general. So what the hell do I know?
But we’re not here to really talk about that or the fact that Kim still shops for herself in the kids’ section of clothing stores – and probably doesn’t actually realize it’s the kids’ section. We’re here to talk about whether or not Adrienne is going to call Lisa. She says she wants to have a chat with Lisa and apologize to her. She thinks she’s owed an apology too, but doesn’t expect one. You know because Lisa is very immature. YOU ACCUSED HER ON NATIONAL TELEVISION OF SELLING OUT HER FRIENDS TO MAGAZINES!!! Girl, you’re lucky the only thing she’s done is ignore you. That’s some low down dirty and if you don’t realize that then you might want to check to see if all that Botox has frozen your brain. And Kyle agrees with me… on the apology. Not to the ‘Tox.
Kyle & her brood head over to Taylor’s for some hang time. I’m glad they brought Portia because that kid is too cute. She’s my favorite part of the show so far this season. Adrienne & Paul are here too. Kyle says it’s nice to see Taylor happy. I am going to have to agree. All that cray last year was too much. The kinder gentler plumper Taylor is refreshing… and hopefully, permanent.
Speaking of plump, Paul tells us that he’s never seen Adrienne pig out ever. Never ever. OK, that’s insane to me. More insane that a $300 kids’ dress. I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t love a good grazing session every now & again. Food is one of life’s great pleasures. If you’re not interested, we’re probably not going to be friends. Honestly Adrienne, just do yourself the favor and have a good old fashioned food orgy with anything that contains trans fats & more calories in one serving than you eat in one day. Just grab a gallon of Ben & Jerry’s and just go to town on it. Just once. Let go and let ice cream. You’ll be shocked at how happy that can make a person.
Anywho, Taylor tells the table that she’s on her life’s mission to spread the word about domestic abuse. So she would like Mauricio and Paul to participate in a charity event where they “walk a mile in a woman’s shoes.” Literally. Yes, that’s right. The boys will be walking a mile in high heels. Someone call Miss Lawrence up from the ATL right away to give these boys some lessons. The women think it’s genius. The men are skerred. I love it. Unfortunately, the walk is on the same day as Portia’s birthday, but Kyle is willing to move the birthday party a few hours to accomodate the charity walk. Good on you Kyle!
Adrienne & Paul go shopping to find him a pair of heels for the charity walk. He finds a lovely pair of ruby slippers that really show off his calves. But he seems more attracted to the pink marabou feather pair. Whatever floats your boat Paul. He finally chooses a pair of silver moon boots which I think might be cheating. That’s a platform. Not a heel. I mean if you’re gonna go for it… go for it, no?
Back Away From The Donuts
Yolanda heads over to her daughter’s photo shoot for Guess. How nice it must be to have a driver to take you everywhere in LA. Driving around that town is an exercise in patience unlike any other. Anywho, her daughter, Gia, is gorgeous and has been modeling since she’s 3. Gia is excited to celebrate her birthday with her friends tonight and lets her mom know that part of that will be pigging out – see Adrienne, even models do it. Mom says through gritted teeth that it’s ok… one time… then it’s back on her diet. You know those models in Milan are really skinny. Hint hint. Happy birthday, Gia! You’re gift from mom is a lifetime of body image issues!
Yolanda moves on to the stylist so she can fashion direct the shoot since, you know, she’s been a model her whole life. Then let’s tell the make-up artist that she needs to round out Gigi’s eyes so she doesn’t look, gasp, Chinese. Well, why they bothered to even hire anyone besides Yolanda is beyond me. Clearly, she has all the answers. But don’t call her a stage mother. No no, don’t do that. She’s just her daughter’s moral support to help her be the best she can be… Spoken like a true stage mother. How long before mom actually just gets behind the camera and shoots it herself?
She finally leaves and I’m pretty sure I heard champagne bottles popping in celebration as she walked out the door. Man, that’s one overbearing mama bear. And while I realize that you do have to be skinny to be a model – tis the biz – I’m pretty sure making her feel guilty at 17 for having a night off from carrot sticks & tofu is not all that healthy of a message to be sending.
Time to fuel up the private jet and head off to the charity walk. Mauricio didn’t have time to go shopping for shoes, so he’ll be at the mercy of the charity. Paul shows off his choices and Mauricio is also of the mind that the platform option isn’t really a “high heel”. I mean if Gene Simmons & Paul Stanley spend half their lives in them, they aren’t really girl shoes, right? Well yes, but Mauricio, they also spend half their lives in spandex unitards and make-up so I’m not sure that’s the best rationale, though I am with you on the platforms as cheating.
Paul asks Taylor & Mauricio how the Villa Blanca party was the other night. They both say how beautiful it was, but that’s not really what Paul is asking. He wants to know if anyone was talking about them. And by anyone, he means Lisa. They say other than the flowers, no. Paul and Adrienne are now back to this whole idea of the phone working both ways and Lisa needing to get past the comment. Friends will say things that piss other friends off in the course of friendship. True. You just have to let them go. Less true. I mean the little toads that pop up now & again, sure. For the most part, you let them go. Life’s too short, pick your battles and all that. But for the giant bullfrogs that leap out and leave you with warts and a black eye, those deserve an apology. I’m about at the end of my patience rope with Adrienne. And Paul, how did Lisa treat you badly? She’s not speaking to your wife. I get that, but what did she actually do to you? So she didn’t extend an invitation. That’s how life works… contrary to most of these shows. But in actual real life, people don’t invite people they don’t like to their parties. Unless it’s that family member you get guilted into inviting… You know the one (or 5)… we all have them.
Yay, it’s Portia’s big day! And our favorite girl gets to wear a fabulous tiara. Oh look, there actually are ponies. Kyle, however, was expecting unicorns. The horse dude – official title – says they’ll make them look like unicorns with strap-on horns. Kyle is not convinced that will work because they’re not white… OK, with you there… And they won’t be flying… and you lost me. Um, exactly what were you drinking and/or smoking when you ordered the ponies and thought you heard someone say they’d be flying? Methinks you were the only one flying that day, dear. But hey, I’m pretty sure the ponies are gonna drop the same sized deuces in your backyard as your flying unicorn would. So, there’s that.
Man, these women really don’t miss a detail on their kids’ parties. I’m pretty sure my 4th birthday party was at the Howard Johnson’s where we ate hot dogs on toast buns, played pin the tail on the donkey and ate an ice cream cake from Baskin-Robbins. I’m also pretty sure I had the time of my life even without the flying unicorns. And never once did I say to a therapist, I think I’d have better success dating if only my mother had thrown me better birthday parties as a child. Nope, of all the things I’ve used as an excuse, that never came up once…
Hurts So Good
Did they just roll up to the charity even in a Hummerzine? Yes, they did. I mean maybe I’m crazy – I’m going to blame the HoJo birthday parties – but if they just took the money they spent on the private jet & limo ride and donated it, the charity, not to mention the ozone layer, would be thankful. But I get it. We need to bring awareness to the cause. I just wish that awareness wasn’t such an assault on Mother Nature. And yes, I drive a Prius and recycle so I can preach. Just ignore the plastic water bottle by my bed.
Time for the boys to actually walk their mile. Mauricio looks like he might actually break an ankle in his silver pumps. Paul, on the other hand, is cruising along in his Kiss boots. Mauricio, looking to shorten his time in pain, chooses to run the rest of way. He gets about 10 feet before that idea becomes a bad one. Not as easy as it looks boys, is it? But they finally cross the finish line and get their medals of honor, which look like they were purchased in one of those machines in the front of a grocery store. But it’s the thought that counts.
Side note – Anyone surprised that Mauricio wears a bigger shoe than Paul? Nope? Me either.
All The Drama No Drama Can Create
Lisa & Ken are the first to arrive… and will be the first to leave. Lisa says she has a wine presentation at Villa Blanca so she won’t be able to stay past 1:15. Kyle is suspicious that it’s just an excuse to avoid Adrienne. I think any excuse that involves wine is a good one. Kyle asks Lisa if she would consider coming to dinner at her house Wednesday to sit & chat with Adrienne. Lisa isn’t really interested in that and doesn’t understand why Kyle needs to be in the middle of the situation. Oh, aren’t all the Housewives entitled to be players in all drama that goes on? How will you know what side your on otherwise? But Lisa isn’t bending. She got the flowers. They’re all moving on. She’s not going to involve herself in a group situation where everyone starts screaming and carrying on. Girl, I don’t blame you. How are you the only one that gets that?
Brandi is the next of the ladies to show up and she is nervous about being at the party without her ally Lisa. So, she also says she can’t stay long. Oh look, a special guest appearance from Camille and her sidekick D.D. Kyle would like the ladies to see how far she & Camille have come in their friendship and get over themselves already. Uh, it only took you an entire season of calling each other names and ruining every dinner event you attended. So, I’m not sure I’d get up on that soapbox just yet, lady. You may end up having it collapse out from underneath you from the weight of all your bullshit. Now, wouldn’t that be embarrassing?
Wow, all the used-to-bes are in attendance with Dana rolling in next. I wonder if we’ll get to hear how much she spent on Portia’s gift. And speaking of gifts, Yolanda is unable to attend but sends her driver with a gift. Uh, I think it’s giant bear piñata, but I’m not sure.
Brandi is still feeling anxiety over the guest list and thinks it’s time to go. Kyle wants her to stay because no one will be rude at a kid’s birthday party. Uh, can someone roll tape of all the rude moments at past kids’ events? You know, including Brandi letting her kids pee on Adrienne’s lawn & the aftermath that ensued. And with that, Taylor shows up and has an entire conversation with Camille, who is sitting next to Brandi, without even acknowledging her presence. So now, what were you saying Kyle? Right, bonding at the kiddies party. Not so much. Taylor feels like she tried with Brandi. Brandi was rude. She’s done. Fair enough. She & Lisa are in the “no thank you” camp when it comes to just ignoring people that do them dirt. I too am in this camp. Look, Taylor isn’t causing a scene. She’s just pretending you don’t exist, because in her world, you don’t. Is it mildly rude? Yes. But there are just some people in the world that you try to be friends with and it doesn’t work out. So you move on in your circle and they move on in theirs. Should they overlap, you keep your head above water and move through gracefully. Other than that, they’re vapor…. no matter how many times they post on your Facebook wall because they’re too dumb to get a clue. Not that I know anything about that. And with that Brandi wants to go again and Kyle asks her to stay again. How many times do you need someone to beg you to stay, Brandi? Either stay and zip it or leave.
Well, would you look at that, Kim showed up. I would have put my money in the “no-show” camp. Camille asks her if she & Ken are still together. She says she’s just happy to be here. The problem is, with Kim, you never really know where “here” actually is. Now that Kim is also at Casa Kyle, Brandi sneaks out the front door. She does text Kyle to thank her but prefers to avoid the drama. Kyle shares this text with Camille, and says she’s just over the drama. No you’re not. If you didn’t have drama in your life, you’d shrivel up and disappear.
Adrienne & Paul finally show up just in time to hear Taylor telling everyone about what Brandi said to Yolanda at Lisa’s party. You know the joke she made about sleeping with everyone in the 90210. Yes Taylor, she said it. And no Taylor, she didn’t mean it literally. Note the entire conversation above about vapor? Kyle does get a big Winey Bitch raising of the glass for walking away and saying she’s not interested in the gossip on her daughter’s birthday. Of course, she walks right into a conversation with Mauricio, Paul & Adrienne about Lisa. Adrienne feels like everyone is protecting Lisa and reiterates that Lisa should have moved on already. Um, but you clearly have not so why the hypocrisy Adrienne? Why? Man, this new high-horse Adrienne is on really bums me out. She was my favorite of the ladies when this show started. Now, she’s dangling near the bottom. But next week it looks like we get the sit-down we’ve all been waiting for so maybe this will get rectified and we get back to loving Lisa… Well all of us minus Lisa.
Rachel: There is nothing funnier than women prattling on about no drama while creating drama all around them. BTW, I cannot WAIT until next week when Taylor tries to put David Foster in his place in his own home. That’s going to go over like a fart in church. Not well.