One Sentence Summary: The Beverly Hills bitches are back for a new season of drama in the 90210.
Rachel: Yes, yes, yes, I’m just getting to this right in time for week 2. I’m sorry for the lateness, but I’ve already explained the craziness that has been the lives of the Two Winey Bitches the last few weeks. It’s mostly resting on my shoulders as I was supposed to be picking up the slack while Melissa dealt with the after-effects of Sandy. However, LA called and I answered. If only I had actually been hanging with these ladies, I’d have far better of an excuse. Instead, I was merely sharing the same overcrowded streets and crying about the ridiculous traffic. But I’m here. I’m ready. And I really can’t wait to get back to the Bev Hills girls. I’m sad that Camille is gone now that we finally like her, but I am interested in seeing what this new chickadee Yolanda is all about. With that, let’s get to it…
We start with a glimpse into Lisa’s “downsized” home. How does she even breathe in such a cramped space? I mean you can only land a small commuter jet in her living room. Brandi is the first of the Housewives to get a tour… which means we get one too. Uh, it’s pretty fabulous. Hmm… did Lisa get a new face too? On the one-on-one interview, her face looks awfully… taut. Holy insane closet! Can I move in there? Seriously, it’s nicer than Barney’s & Saks & Neimans all rolled into one. I really have to start dating up. Anyone out there want to be a sugar daddy to this smart-assed, perpetually-wine-buzzed, loudmouth? Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? Alright, well then I’d better get back to work.
Ken’s home and it’s unclear whether Brandi or Lisa is happier to see him. Brandi gives them gifts of the sexual & alcoholic nature. She can give them these gifts as they are the newest BFFs on the Beverly Hills scene. An odd couple for sure, but I like them together. At least they’re laughing and having a good time.
Lisa is hosting a third anniversary party for Villa Blanca. Everyone is coming to the party… Well, everyone but Adrienne who didn’t get an invite. Seems Miss Lisa is still ticked off about Adrienne accusing her of selling stories to the tabloids. Can’t say as I blame her. Adrienne fell the furthest out of favor with me last season. It really seemed like she was in major competition with Lisa and didn’t enjoy the fact that she was losing the battle. Granted, it was a battle created in her mind, but hey, that’s her problem. Lisa doesn’t care if she finds out. It’s not worth her worrying about. Ah, I so want to be Lisa when I grow up.
Baby, You Can Drive My Car
Kyle lets us know that life has been hectic for her and that she and Kim have been trying to rebuild their relationship. But this very special moment is interrupted so that her hot husband can bring her outside and surprise her with the brand new Maserati he bought her as a gift. Hmm… maybe I shouldn’t give up on that sugar daddy so easily. And if he looks like Mauricio, well then bonus plan! Man, that car is sweet! Man, am I jealous!
Welcome To Snubtown
Well, so far we have a new house and a new car. What “new” will Adrienne spring on us? Well yeah, there’s that newly single thing, but I don’t think we’re quite there yet. Nope, we’re not. We’re still having bickering dinners together with Paul.
Adrienne gets a call from Taylor who would like to go shopping with Adrienne to find something to wear to the Villa Blanca anniversary event. Seems she’s gained 10 lbs and can’t find into any of her cocktail dresses. Well, we have Taylor’s “new” and it’s some much-needed weight on her tiny frame. I bet she looks fantastic. What’s not as fantastic is that Adrienne is just realizing she wasn’t invited. She plays it off with Taylor, but is shocked that Lisa is still holding a grudge. She should just blow it off and move on. Uh, you accused her of selling her friend’s personal information to magazines for money. That’s not forgetting an anniversary or accidentally spilling red wine on your white rug. That’s straight up shitty behavior. You owe her an apology. Period. Adrienne chooses to think it’s an oversight at this point and will eventually get invited. Ah, so Adrienne’s “new” is a new level of denial. Cool.
Oh time to meet the new Housewife, whose “new” is obvious. She is a former model from Holland who is married to world-famous composer David Foster. Now, that’s one talented man right there. Yeah, that’s 60 Grammys under his belt. Her closets are ridiculous as well. Ah, how the other half lives. Er, 1% lives. Oh… fun little nugget, Yolanda is also Mohammad’s ex-wife. This girl certainly knows how to pick herself a man. She David him, when they met, that she didn’t want jewelry. She wanted love letters. She got all the jewelry from her ex in the pre-nup. David tells us that it isn’t something she demands, but it is something she commands. Wow, color me swoon-y. That’s good stuff right there. Well, from the surface at least, this is a life to covet. Yeah, I know we’re not supposed to covet, but that’s just too bad because I’m in full-on covet mode.
Oh boy, it’s Kim time. I’m hoping her “new” is still sobriety. She & her daughter are visiting her sister Kathy Hilton – aka Paris’s mom – for a little lunch. She’s been out of treatment for a little over a month & doing well. It’s Kimberly’s prom and she is there to shop Auntie’s designs. Kathy wants to know if Kimberly bought her date a boutonnière, but neither Kim nor Kimberly knows what one is. Well, I see rehab didn’t make Kim smarter. Kim regales us with tales of her prom and her date’s pick-up truck. It was her first French kiss and she wasn’t too thrilled with it.
Well, enough of that. Time to head to Kathy’s “salon” and look at her dresses. Kimberly is trying on a dress when Kyle arrives. There’s still tension between Kim & her and they are rebuilding their relationship. Kyle thinks Kim’s drinking was why they fought. Kim thinks Kyle wronged her. So, they have some work to do to get back to good.
Ok, so I hope I’m wrong here and it’s just Kim being Kim… but in her interview in that blindingly pink jacket, she sounds like she’s half in the bag again. Maybe she just naturally slurs, but… well… that’s all I’m gonna say.
Welcome To My Humble Abode
The new BFF’s are having another hang as soon as Lisa can manage down Brandi’s sidewalk in her platform stilettos. As they discuss the upcoming Villa Blanca party, we are reminded that Brandi and Taylor aren’t the best of friends and that hasn’t changed since the reunion. Nor has Brandi’s friendship status with Kim. I’m sure her chummy chumness with Lisa won’t help her relationship with Adrienne any either. And that’s that scene… Uh, thanks for that.
Kyle is throwing a birthday party for Portia’s 4th birthday and having Portia make the invitation calls herself. The first person she’d like to invite is Kennedy’s mom. Wonder if Kyle is going to ask Taylor for any party advice being that she certainly likes to throw a kid’s party. Where is Dana when you need her? Probably somewhere bragging to someone about her $25k sunglasses while serving them merengue puffs. Taylor answers the phone and Portia invites her to her party. OK, that’s pretty damn cute. Big awwws in the house for that one. Kim’s next on the list, but sobriety hasn’t made her any better at answering her phone… or cleaning out her voice mailbox. In the words of our little Portia it’s “so so annoying.” Kid, you’re gonna go places.
Lisa gets the next call. Portia greets her with a “Hello, darling.” Can we keep this kid around? I like her. She’s awesome. She invites Lisa to the party, and when Brandi announces her presence, Kyle jumps in and invites her & her boys as well. Brandi thinks they’re past all the bad blood but is still worried she forced herself on Kyle. Lisa says not to worry. It’s time to start mending fences. You know, provided it’s not Adrienne’s fence. The look on Kyle’s face tells another story, but for now, all’s good.
Sorry About That
Taylor tells us that it’s been 9 months since she lost Russell. It’s been a struggle with lawsuits and financial struggles. But she’s figuring out how to pick up the pieces and start a new chapter. Oh so Taylor’s “new” is the weight AND the new chapter. She looks good with her new ten pounds. They were much needed seeing as how she’s still rail thin. You know you’re scary skinny if you put on 10 lbs and are still tiny. Adrienne tells us Paul is thinking of going bi-coastal with his practice. When Taylor says it will give her time to miss Paul, we see the first signs of cracks in the pavement as Adrienne forgets to say “Yes, of course I’ll miss Paul.” Taylor says it for her as Adrienne snaps back to the reality that there’s a camera on her and agrees that she will miss her husband. Yeah, nice try there.
Taylor feels badly that she was the one that let the cat out of the bag about Lisa’s party and Adrienne’s not being invited. She apologizes to Adrienne who thought she & Lisa had moved on. She says it’s “mean girlish” and she doesn’t like this waste of time. She thinks it’s petty. She thinks it’s hurtful. But she still doesn’t think it might be a good idea to apologize. Pull your head out of your ass, Adrienne, would ya? How do you not get that you owe Lisa an apology?
It’s the Villa Blanca anniversary party. Kim shows up and Lisa is thrilled she’s made it to a party since last season she could barely find her front door. She introduces her to Yolanda and the two of them bond over drinking water. The rest of the ladies, spare Adrienne, show up for the party. Brandi makes her introduction to Yolanda a memorable one showing off her famous lack of any kind of filter. Wow, she really has zero class. And I say this actually liking Brandi.
Meanwhile, Kyle is telling Taylor & Kim about how she was bamboozled into inviting Brandi to Portia’s party. Kim says it’s not her party so she understands. Besides she might not be able to come. She’s spending the weekend with all her girls. Kyle can’t quite understand why they can’t all come seeing as it’s their cousin’s birthday. Kim says they may not want to come. Wow Kim, I can see sobriety hasn’t made you less of a flake either. Clearly Kyle is not pleased. Enter Brandi into the fray… She gives Kim a kiss hello which sends her flying to find comfort in her new friend Yolanda, the water drinker. Kyle apologizes, but Brandi understands that she’s not universally loved. Um, anyone want to acknowledge the elephant that is Taylor standing there? Nope. Okie doke. Ha, Yolanda just rolled up to the crew as Kim went off to find her. She’d go find Kim, but there is bonding to be done over astrological signs. She’s a Capricorn & shares the same birthday as Kyle. OMG! They have to be BFFs forever now! Let’s pinky swear on it! And Brandi’s Scopio sign is the reason why she makes sexual comments. Oh the deep waters these women wade in.
A secret special flower delivery shows up for Lisa which is the size of a small apartment. It is from Adrienne who sends it with lots and lots of good wishes. Hmm… I’d be checking that display for poison ivy if I were Lisa. I mean I assume she meant it as a peace offering, but ya never know. It’s quite an ostentatious offering at that and clearly meant for public consumption. Oh look what Adrienne sent! She’s so sweet! Now it’s on Lisa if she doesn’t accept. Well played Adrienne. Well played. I just hope that card says “I’m sorry” on it. It does not. Seems I’m not the only one who is suspicious of the gesture. Well, it is a bit obvious. Taylor and some friends liken it to a Thanksgiving Day float which is giving it too much credit.
Kyle is still trying to convince Kim to come to Portia’s party on Saturday. Let it go, lady. She’s clearly setting it up so you’re not surprised when she bails. It’s a sad day when you have to beg your sister to show up to her niece’s birthday. Kim’s unmoved. Now it’s Kyle’s turn to say that she has resentment toward her sister. This is going to be a long road. And from the previews, a long road for everyone…
Rachel: A rather tame opening to break us in gently. But from the looks of it, all is not sunny in Beverly Hills for long.