One Sentence Summary – Leslie attempts to wash away Kalyn’s reputation by baptizing her.
Rachel: Well, I’m still out here on my own. The good news is that Melissa finally has power in her house. The bad news is that the power doesn’t include cable. And being that her cable is run by a dude in a basement somewhere in Jersey, I don’t think we’ll be hearing from her for a while. So, I hope I can carry the load of both Winey Bitches on my shoulders. I can at least carry the load of a few glasses of wine so there’s that… which works out well for me. Can’t promise it’ll work out as well for you all. But I try… So let’s get back to the Wild World of Kalyn’s UTI. I can’t even believe they’re going to try and throw a baptism at us this week. This is a special kind of insanity. Just give the girl some cranberry juice and a lecture about keeping her legs crossed. Maybe a box of condoms would be helpful as well. Just thinking here… Something Leslie might want to try… at any point.
L, M, N, O, Pee After Sex
Leslie is back from Bonnie’s party and going to attempt once again to try this parenting thing. I guess she Googled “UTI” on the way home from the party and realized that Bonnie actually knows what she’s shouting about. Oh actually Cindy broke the good news to Leslie in the car on the way home. You maybe wanted to drop that knowledge on her BEFORE she stormed the party in her naughty nun outfit. I can’t blame Kalyn for trying to pull a fast one on Leslie though. I mean it’s not like she’s trying to fool Albert Einstein. Kalyn keeps trying to say there are other ways to get a UTI. Yes, Kalyn. Yes there are. But let’s remember that you were fired for flirting with the boys at your shit shoveling job, so we’re just extrapolating a little bit here. Pretty much if you were being tried in a court of law, there would be enough circumstantial evidence to throw you in the slutty slammer.
Leslie tells Kalyn that she’s supposed to pee after sex to avoid getting an infection. Oh and as a side note she throws in that she might want to consider her behavior and how men will perceive her. Quite the role model, Leslie. Kalyn, still toeing the “wasn’t me” line, starts crying about her immaculate infection. Sorry, that line was too good not to steal. Leslie, for once in her life, isn’t falling for the crocodile tears and just reinforces the lesson here:
Have some self-respect… Pee after sex. How about use a condom!?!? How about don’t sleep around!?!? This is the worst After School Special ever.
Booger In Law
Bonnie, Cha Cha & Connie do a little golf and gossip about Bonnie’s party and Leslie’s embarrassing moment. Connie finds the insinuation that Whitney caused a spontaneous UTI hilarious. I’m totally going to use that next time I don’t want to go somewhere. I’m sorry, but I’ve stressed myself into a temporary UTI so I won’t be able to make you son’s Bar Mitzvah services. However, it should be gone in time for the party. A few vodka cranberries and I’ll be right as rain.
Talk turns to Bonnie’s newfound love of all things Booger. It’s amazing how far slave labor will get a person. Cha Cha thinks it’s important for Bonnie to meet Booger’s parents because they could become in-laws in the near future. Anyone want to guess what Mama & Papa Booger are like? I actually think they’re probably pretty normal. That’s my call.
Cindy, Leslie & Melissa are going together to get another round of Botox. Apparently Cindy has gotten some feeling back in her face so she rushed right over. Seriously woman, you might want to push away from the table for a minute. That’s a crazy amount of paralysis happening on your visage.
Melissa would like Leslie & Bonnie to start easing the tensions between them for the sake of the group. I mean how can they all hang out if two people aren’t talking? I guess since she’s decided to stop throwing champagne at people, everyone should get on the party bus. Leslie says that Bonnie has agreed to meet her so they can hash it out. She doesn’t want Kalyn to be accused of being the town slut just because she had a kidney infection. Er that’s not why she’s being accused. That’s just the smoking gun. Hee hee… smoking gun. Get it? Ahem… Cindy suggest condoms. Thank you! Leslie prefers a more direct (and less effective) route to moral righteousness. We all know where this is going…
Cindy isn’t trying to hear this nonsense so she asks about Melissa’s cover-up line. Melissa’s going to have a party to show the line. Leslie thinks she should be the signature model. Melissa isn’t ready to be in a bikini in public. I thought they were cover-ups… But she’s going to work out with a trainer instead of getting her fat sucked as Leslie suggests. Ah Leslie, always the ray of sunshine. Cindy is going to join her in the pursuit of toned thighs. That should be fun to watch.
Do My Darks, Bitch
Always the thoughtful daughter, Whitney brings her laundry to Bonnie. Um, your entire laundry consists of 5 items of clothes? Oh right, we’re not supposed to notice the devices the writers use to create interaction. They’re like the great & mighty Oz… Don’t look behind the curtain! Ok, so laundry… She would also like her mom to fix her some food. Bonnie tosses her some chips. Can we get to the point here? There we go… Bonnie wants to meet Booger’s parents. Of course, Whitney isn’t exactly thrilled with the idea and tries to dissuade her mom by saying Booger’s dad has a motorcycle. Apparently, Jason has wanted a motorcycle for the 19 years they’ve been together. Bonnie has said no. Jason has also wanted his balls back, but Bonnie has said no to that too. Poor Jason.
It’s Just A Little Water
Leslie lets Kalyn know that she’s worried about her “moral compass” based on her current reputation as the town slut. So if she can dedicate herself to being moral and use morality to make her decisions, she can get past her current status. But that isn’t as easy as just changing her ways. No, a moral statement has to be made for all to see. So what does Leslie have in mind? A baptism. That’s right, dip Kalyn in some water and all her horny ways will be drowned from her body. Needless to say, Kalyn isn’t exactly jumping for joy at the idea. But what she doesn’t understand is that this will help Leslie be a better godmother and make her official in the role. You know, in the eyes of God and the viewing audience. The baptism is the missing link as to why Leslie hasn’t been able to guide her morally to this point. Oh right. That makes total sense. And to think I thought it was because you’re an idiot.
Hole-y Crap, I’m Bored
Whitney is bored so she’s looking to get a few new piercings to entertain her. Like 8 new piercings. Lady, get a hobby. Or a job. She tells Booger about Bonnie’s plan for their parents to meet. Boogs is all about it. Whitney is afraid of the embarrassment her parents will cause her. You have “mayhem” tattooed across your midsection and the c-word on your foot. I’m pretty sure the concept of embarrassment has long since eluded you. Boogs is not concerned. And so it shall be… A meeting of the parents.
Work Me Out
Cindy & Melissa show up early for their training session to find their trainer shirtless and jumping rope in a scene right out of Rocky. But listen, I’m not mad at what’s going on there. And neither is Cindy whose got a fire burning in her lady parts. Good thing Kalyn isn’t her goddaughter. Cindy does her best damsel in distress routine, but he’s far more interested in Melissa. When that doesn’t work, she goes for the sexual innuendo. Yeah, that’s not working either. Sorry Cindy, Atlas over here isn’t into silicon and scotch.
A Meeting Of The Minds
Time for Bonnie & Leslie to work out their issues. Bonnie isn’t trying to apologize so Leslie should be forewarned. Bonnie tells Leslie that she’s not sure why they’re even there since they agreed to stay out of their kids’ drama. Leslie reminds Bonnie that Kalyn’s only 18. Bonnie is sick of the excuse, as are we all. Leslie says it’s relevant because Bonnie is forty-something and picks on Kalyn in defense of Whitney. This lady be crazy. And in case you were wondering if these two could have a mature conversation, the answer is no. Leslie is on a tear about Kalyn only wanting her chooch pierced to be like Whitney. Seriously? You’re going with that tactic? Bonnie says she went with Whitney for her STD panel and she knows she has no chooch piercing. Seriously? You’re admitting you looked? OK, these two are actually arguing over vaginas. Or as Leslie calls them, verginas. Can someone sign her up for vocabulary lessons?
Anywho, Leslie is now admitting that Kalyn’s actions were in retaliation for Whitney picking on her. But really Whitney’s response was out of proportion to the actions. Uh no. I don’t often like to defend Whitney’s hair trigger temper, but if someone rolled up to my boyfriend offering a glimpse of her goods to piss me off, she’d better be ready for some Hong Kong Phooey coming her way. There’s a line and that is a grand leap over it.
Leslie goes to the “but you’re my friend and I miss you” place wondering if the girls can call a truce for them. Bonnie softens and admits to missing Leslie too. Haven’t we already seen this play out? A few times? But here we are again with the two of them agreeing to call a truce on behalf of the brawling brats.
And with that, Leslie invites Bonnie to Kalyn’s baptism. Bonnie reacts as we all did… with laughter and disbelief. No no no, Bonnie, you don’t understand. Kalyn has changed and this will be proof of that. Or just proof that Leslie’s bat shit crazy.
Maddie & Kalyn meet for cupcakes at a bakery called Sugarbox. The irony of the name is not lost on me. However, the irony of Kalyn’s overalls is. When did they come back into style? Please tell me that’s not happening. Kalyn still thinks the baptism is crazy because she’s not a slut, but she is happy to have Leslie officially become her godmother. Well, that is nice to hear, I suppose. Plus, she’ll get a new outfit for the affair. Ah, the real truth comes out.
Wow, that Danny sure is a nice guy offering to train Melissa at her home. I say go for it, Melissa. Get yourself a little bedroom work-out. You deserve it. Throw caution and your clothes to the wind!
Maddie walks in and the moment happening in front of her doesn’t go over her head, even though that’s where her mother’s leg is going. After Danny leaves, Maddie asks mom exactly what part of her was being worked out with all that giggling going on. Enquiring minds want to know, mom. Melissa, of course, protests against the insinuation, but let’s be honest here. We all have our heads in the Danny gutter.
Wonderful In White
Connie meets Kalyn & Leslie for some baptism dress shopping. Leslie would like something innocent and with full coverage. Do I need to tell you that Kalyn has other ideas? Kalyn is modeling a few options and Leslie reacts to one with the declaration that Kalyn’s mother is just going to love it… and she’ll love it because she’s coming to the baptism. Way to spring that news on her. Oh yeah, did I mention the mother you hate is joining us on this journey into insanity? Leslie says she her mom just wants to support her & be there for her. Kalyn’s not interested. She’s Leslie guest and that’s the end of it. And with that, all the wind has been taken out of Kalyn’s sails. Couldn’t just have let her have one day, could you? And you wonder why she looks for attention from men.
Cause I Said So
Bonnie is early to the “Meet The Parents” dinner with Jason and her son Zakk… yes, with two k’s. Jason doesn’t really want to meet Booger’s parents. Oh Jason, when will you learn that it doesn’t matter what you want? Bonnie does what she wants to do. Do you not remember the great face peel debacle of 2012? Before he can offer up any more protests, in walk The Boogers, Jan & Darrell. And did I call it or what? Fully normal parentals.
Conversation starts off stiff but slowly warms up… and then comes the subject of Harleys. Bonnie is less than thrilled that this has come up. Darrell explains that he got his and figured it was better to ask forgiveness than ask permission. Oh don’t give Jason any ideas. That’s Whitney’s motto for life. He’s not allowed to play that game. But even with the Harley convo, they all got along swimmingly. Happy happy joy joy. And the moral of the story is don’t judge a book by its cover.
Kalyn’s special day has arrived along with thunder & lightening. Even God thinks this is ridiculous. All the usual suspects show up to watch this nonsense and fulfill their contractual obligations. Cindy saddles up next to Melissa at the bar and asks what she & Danny have been doing on their own because she looks so great. Melissa says he’s the best thing she’s ever done. Really now? Cindy (and I) think that was a little Freudian slip there. Melissa denies it but we’re all still giving her the suspicious fish eye. Hmm, I say. Hmm….
Last but not least… well maybe least… Kalyn’s mom, Terry, shows up. She’s looking forward to a new beginning. Leslie knows it will happen because feels it in her heart. She would be alone there. And did Leslie just call her “mumsy”? Did someone drop Leslie on her head when she was a child? Turns out Terry was also baptised this year which she only shared with her daughter… The other daughter, that is. The one she actually still has a relationship with. She wants to start pulling her family back together. You mean by not talking to your kid or your kid’s guardian?
As the rain starts to pour down, Leslie starts the ceremony. The Pastor lets everyone know that this is a new start for Kalyn. AKA – Let’s pretend the past never happened. And with that, Kalyn is baptized & the doves are released. Time for cake! OK, I’m always down for cake. Leslie gifts Kalyn with a few sessions with a life coach. An appointment at Planned Parenthood might make more sense, but hey, this works too.
Terry would like a few minutes alone with her daughter and sends Tyler off with Cindy to get some cake. Tyler might need a cleansing dip in the pool after being left alone with the cougar. Anywho, mom tries to make amends with Kalyn by asking her to put their past behind them too. She hopes they can take baby steps to try and fix their relationship. They have to start somewhere. Kalyn lets her know that somewhere isn’t here. She always shows up when it’s her turn to shine and she’s over it. She’s heard “I’m sorry” a lot and doesn’t think this will be any different. Can’t say as I blame the kid. Honestly. She thinks her mom ruined her life and she’s not interested in hearing from her right now. Leslie tries to intervene and remove Kalyn from the situation. This is her day and she should have it. Terry pulls the “this is my daughter” line which would be effective had she been remotely behaving like a mother in any way, shape or form at any point in the last 2 years. Or ever. Mom wants a chance. Leslie says another time. Kalyn has nothing to say… And with that, we have to wait until next week (or the previews) to find out if Kalyn will give mom a chance.
Rachel: Well, if Leslie wanted us to stop talking about UTIs she sure found a clever way to do it.