Real Housewives of Atlanta – Season 5, Week 1

One Sentence Summary:  The Atlanta Housewives are back and replacing Sheree with two new divas.

Wait, they invited the other women back? I thought I was getting my own show.

Our Thoughts:

Rachel:   I don’t know about the rest of you, but I’m so excited that the Real Housewives of Phaedra is back.  Oh, I know there are other Housewives, but are any of them quite as fabulous or as funny?  I think not.  And whoever this new bitch is that is trying to get with Apollo in the previews, she just better step off right now.  You don’t mess with Phaedra.  Not on my watch.  I’m not gonna lie.  I’m not gonna miss Sheree.  She wasn’t really bringing much to the party anymore.  I mean she did provide us with the unforgettable catchphrase “Who gon check me, boo?”  I’m still waiting for the right time to drop that nugget in the middle of a party.  I have to do it when I’m with a group of people that I have no interest in receiving a party invitation from ever again.  Gotta work that out.  In the meantime, if you haven’t heard the genius dance single that goes with that, please take a moment to check it out here.  This is also a hilariously genius blog that you should also read… you know, after you read this.  Now, on to the show.

You Done Me Wrong But It Feels So Right

So, what you’re saying is that you’re not going to make this easy on me…

I know Nene is all part of the Talls villain brigade and has lost all sense of humility, but I kinda still like her.  She, at the very least, is worth a few laughs if nothing else.  And that swagger in her walk is so perfected that it could be considered an art form.  I mean that’s a lot of switch on a woman with a long way to fall if one of those hips goes rogue.  Seems Gregg feels the same way and would like his boo back.  Nene thinks it’s because she’s been doing “a lot of things.”  I love that.  Nothing specific, really.  Just a lot of, you know, stuff.  Surprisingly, she’s open to it but Gregg has to prove himself.  She’s thinking of moving out to LA for a while to shoot her new show “The New Normal.”  Gregg would like to go too, but seems he hasn’t quite proven himself that much.  She’s going to hang out in her new on-set trailer… like the one where Kim was raised.  I see the war between the two hasn’t softened any.  Gregg knows it’s his obligation to put this family back together.  He’s on a mission.  I’m pulling for these two.  Mostly because I don’t want to see creepy Italian shoe giver guy again.

Kandi Coated Knight In Shining Armor

A little lunchtime PDA

Oh, we fianlly get to meeti Kandi’s boyfriend.  He’s super cute.  Yay!  I like happy Kandi.  She definitely deserves a little love from something that’s not part of her sex toys line.  And they’re moving in together.  Right on.  Talk turns to babies.  She’s 36 and he’s wondering how much time is left on her clock.  Oh the evil sands through the hourglass conversation.  But she’s not trying to talk about a baby right now.  She would like to get married first.  They both have daughters and would like to have a son… named Cash in honor of how they bought their house.  I know that didn’t just come out of her mouth.  I mean that’s shit Kim says.  Of course her son would be named Kash.

How To Know When You’re Getting Ripped Off

This is not my beautiful wife.  This is not my beautiful house.  How did I get here?

Damn that Kim is fertile.  But I guess she needs to keep having babies whose names start with  “k” so she can really Keep Up with The Kardashians.  Wait, she hasn’t heard from her parents since the wedding?  What’s up with that?  I mean I didn’t watch Tardy For The Wedding so I suppose that’s on me.  I just couldn’t bring myself to watch it.  Between it being all Kim all the time and the asinine show name, I had to bail.   Wait, Sweetie is back?  Is there no one else in Atlanta qualified to be an assistant whose responsibilities total brushing wigs and drinking with the boss?  Oh and let’s not forget accomplishing both without ever putting down her cellphone.

But the real news here is that Kim & Kroy have to move because they’re at the end of their lease and the owner won’t extend, because she didn’t pay his wife for decorating.  Yeah, that might not have been a helpful move.  They thought about buying it, but appraised for $1MM less than the owners are asking.  So, they have to move.  Not sure where they’re moving but the movers quoted $82k.  WHAT?  Are you moving to Montana?  Uh, hang on Kim.  I’m gonna go rent me a U-Haul and move your shit myself for the low low price of $50,000.  Problem solved.

Pet Cemetery 

So where are the actual dead animals kept?

Phaedra!  I can’t believe they made me wait almsot 20 minutes for her.  She’s got her funeral service is up and running while she’s finishing her mortician’s degree.  The fact that she’s still not an officially licensed funeral director isn’t stopping her from looking for new revenue streams… like pet funerals.  She’s afriad of dogs but not afraid of burying them.  She found a vet with whom she would like to discuss being a referrer for her business.  She knows that pets have become as important as people’s children so she sees how this could be lucrative for her.  The vet, who is clearly more in the business of keeping the pets alive, seems a little taken aback by Phaedra’s, um, honesty.  Yeah telling her that your childhood pets were probably tossed in the creek is not really going to endear you to this woman.  I think the vet is going to cry, though I think I just saw a sheepish acceptance of Phaedra’s business idea.  Probably because she wanted her to leave before she started looking for sick dogs to start the pre-planning process.

Parenting At It’s Finest

You really think I’m going to start listening to you now?

Aw Lawd, look who’s still around.  Yep, it’s Peter.  Hasn’t Cynthia wised up yet?  Is that a word?  Wised?  Anywho, it is today.  Cynthia’s ex, Leon, is also in the house.  Peter is apparently cool with him staying at the house when he’s in town.  Wow, this family just keeps getting more dysfunctional.  Wait, Cynthia pulled her kid out of school and didn’t send her back?  She says Noelle was sad going to school.  So you let her just not go?  That seems like a genius plan.  Leon isn’t in love with this idea either.  Life is hard and you don’t get to just not go to school.  But Cynthia spends the most time with her so she gets to make the decision.  Well, there you have it.  Co-parenting at its finest.  And here comes Noelle… She says that she didn’t want to home school in the first place and wants to go back.  Oh right, maybe asking the kid what she wants to do might be a good starting off place.  I mean I know it’s against the whole “I’m Cynthia and it’s my world” life strategy, but maybe let’s think about it.

A New Country Heard From

Tell Tyra that I’m coming for her next.

Ah a new housewife.  Let’s meet Kenya.  She’s having lunch with one of our favorite hairdressers, Miss Lawrence.  She says she’s moving to Atlanta because she’s ready to start a family and Atlanta is the right environment for that.  What her boyfriend Walter thinks about Atlanta remains to be seen.  We know he wants to get married and have kids.  We also hear that she’s been proposed to 6 times.  Married never.  Oh, Cynthia you have competition.  I can already see the claws coming out between these two.  Kenya looks forward to broadening her horizons which includes trying sushi.  How narrow are your horizons, lady?  Now we get the resume.  She’s an actor, producer, blah blah blah and a former Miss USA.  Oh, and she’s a tough girl.  That means we can expect her to pick some serious fights.  I refer back to Cynthia.  And she goes to the gym 6 days a week.  Oh, Phaedra is going have some donkey booty competition.  She’s focused on her professional life.  Now, it’s time to focus on her personal life.  She’s hoping her man sees this move as a positive.  She’s also hoping she sees a diamond.  I’m hoping we can go back to Miss Lawrence now.

One Woman’s Castle…

Let me explain it to you, Sweetie. I’m up here and you’re down here. Are we clear?

Kim goes to visit Kandi at her new house.  The house is amazing but since Sweetie knows everything and thinks this neighborhood isn’t great, Kim calls it the hood.  Well if Sweetie says so…  I mean you know since Sweetie is the arbiter of tatste.  Kim is such a snob and isn’t sure this house is good enough.  Um this house is amazing and the size of a small country.  But we are talking about Kim who just spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on a house she’s getting kicked out of.  Wow, that’s a helluva guest house, Kandi.  I am happy to be your guest anytime.  Just give me a ring and I’m on my way.  Oh I’m gonna punch Sweetie in her face.  Girl, stop rolling your eyes and talking smack.  You’re an assistant and a shitty one at that.  You can’t even afford the rent on Kandi’s guest house.  And Kim, you’re trying to get yourself evicted, so maybe you should tone it down on the judemental attitude as well.  I thought we were supposed to see less of Kim this season…  Can we start now?

A Real Power Lunch

The new Nene gets to know LA and escargot.

Nene is in Los Angeles meeting with Ryan Murphy, who is clearly killing it in the TV biz with Glee, The New Normal and American Horror Story.  If he’s wanting to work with you, you’re doing something right.  Nene’s starring in The New Normal and they’re looking for a younger brother for her.  He thinks Taye Diggs.  Taye Diggs is never the wrong answer.  And who could be her love interest?  Well, I’d be voting for Taye in that role instead, but she is a solid foot taller than he is.  That would be… um, awkward.  OK, that was not an invitation to show the creepy Italian again.  Nene tells Ryan that she’s dating her ex again.  Ryan likes that storyline.  Nene decides to call Tyler Perry for some reason.  She says they’re such good friends just as she finds out his phone numbers has been disconnected.  Whoops.  That was genius.  I do love that she laughed though and didn’t try and play it off.  Yeah, I’m liking the Nene as power woman story happening here.

Model Behavior

Bitch, I’m coming for that weave when you’re not looking.

Wait, isn’t there another new Housewife?  Kordell Stewart’s wife is supposed to be joining us, no?  Did they just not feel like getting around to her tonight?

Anywho, it’s another open call at the Baily Agency.  This time it’s for JET Magazine’s Beauty of The Week.  Cynthia says they’re making history?  Wait, what did I miss?  What’s historic about this?  If it’s the Beauty of the Week, I’m pretty sure they do this… every week.  So, I’m not sure that this qualifies as historical… not that I expected Cynthia to find humility in the off-season.  Kenya has been invited to be a judge.  Um, are these really the best women Atlanta has to offer? Come on.  There has to be better than this.  I mean I’m not trying to be mean, but we’re talking about model good looks and this isn’t exactly Tyra-level casting.  Kenya agrees with me but isn’t exactly being gracious about it.  She straight up calls one of the models a man.  Cynthia isn’t pleased and would like to see more class from Kenya.  That pretty much goes in one ear and out the other  as she tells a girl she doesn’t know why she’s even there.  Now, the judge from JET is getting involved and saying she needs to cut it out.  She says no.  He says yes.  Uh, you do realize that this is their casting, right?  Wrong.

Next girl gets called a stripper.  And called out for not shaving.  Um, gonna have to agree with the second part of that equation.  How do you show up to a casting in a bikini without having had some private time with your razor?  Or better yet, waxer?  Kenya doesn’t let up and the words “coochie crack tired” come out of her mouth.  Keeping it classy, Kenya.

Terrance, on of Cynthia’s assistants, has had enough and calls her out.  Carlton, Cynthia’s other assitant, tells her there’s a polite way to give feedback.  That may be true, but she doesn’t care.  She goes full bitch on him and even pulls the “who are you?” crap.  Do people really still do that?  Yeah, already can’t stand this bitch.  Why did you bother to replace Marlo with Marlo 2?  Kenya calls security on Carlton.  Wait, this woman brought her own security to a local model search?  You must be kidding me.  That’s a level of self-importance I can’t even wrap my head around.  Uh, Cynthia are you planning on stepping up and defending your agency, clients and assistants?  Oh there you go.  Cynthia tries to put some rules into place, but it’s a little too late.  The freight train known as Kenya is already charging down the track.  Yeah, she isn’t hearing anything Cynthia is trying to say being that she’s now she’s addressing all the finalists as if it’s her agency.  Cynthia also gives a speech, which is basically just repeating what Kenya already said.  Way to own the day, Cynthia.

My take-away from this mess:  Kenya needs a facial.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  Oh there are going to be some epic blow-ups this season.  As long as Miss Phaedra is with us making me laugh, I’m ready for the ride.  I think.  Wait, let me get some nausea medicine first… AKA wine.


6 responses to “Real Housewives of Atlanta – Season 5, Week 1

  1. You’re finally back!!! *sniff* It’s been pretty rough.
    Kenya. Wow. *George Takei voice* Oh, myyyy.

  2. Oh, and (derp!) big thanks for the shout out! This is a mutual admiration society. 😉

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