One Sentence Summary – For once, Bonnie’s PhD comes in handy when Kalyn tries to rewrite the fundamentals of medicine.
Rachel: Tonight it’s just going to be me manning the ship as my partner in crime is one of the thousands of people who is still without power because of Hurricane Sandy. She and her family are fine, but it looks like possibly another week before they get their power back. Crazy. We hope those who have also been affected are doing well and we are wishing everyone the best.
That being said, the show must go on. So let’s get back to business with some Big Rich Texas and a little Halloween treat. Being that no two people like a costume more than our fair Whitney and her Mama Bear Bonnie, Halloween must be their birthdays, Christmas and the Fourth of July all rolled into one. And I have to give them props on their costume this year. Paying homage to another outrageous reality TV character, I present to you Bon & Whit as Honey Boo Boo & her mom June:
You Will Listen To My Authori-tay
I love the fake set-up in the opening previews “tricking” us into thinking that Kalyn really tried to off herself or that there’s something seriously medically wrong. Spare us the pomp & circumstance. Girl probably had a sore throat.
Ah yes, the fall-out from the Diva Construction Party. Leslie wants to know what’s up with Kalyn getting fired. I want to know what’s up Leslie’s dress. Clearly, Connie has failed as the make-over. It looks like the curtains from The Sound of Music. Kalyn wants to talk about getting fired tomorrow, but Leslie wants to talk about it when she wants to talk about it… which is tomorrow. Way to put your foot down, you twit. But one thing is clear tonight, this is about Leslie being humiliated. And about Life’s A Pageant. God-parenting at its best.
I Vant To Suck Your Blood
Bonnie is having a vampire-themed party for her new Fiona Frost book launch. Wait, she’s found another excuse to wear a costume? What a surprise. While she goes costume shopping with Whiney, she asks Whitney why she bothers to go off on Kalyn. Whitney explains that she got into a fight with Booger because he told her that they’re moving too fast. Uh, no he didn’t. He said you’re moving fast. Totally different sentiment without the “too”. But details like that aren’t important to Whitney if it gives her an excuse to be pissed at someone. So she was in a bad mood and went off because Kalyn is a skank. Reasonable, no? Bonnie is annoyed with Leslie trying to discuss it with her, because she doesn’t want to get into Whitney’s friendships. Her boyfriend, on the other hand, that’s all kinds of her business. Bonnie lets it be known that she isn’t a fan of him or his tribal ear piercings, which are clearly not his culture. Wow, that Bonnie really is a professor.
And So It Begins…
Oh look, Kalyn’s too sick to work. And on her first day back to work for Life’s A Pageant. What a co-inky-dink. Leslie is fine with that, but make no mistake, they will have that conversation at some point. You know down the road when she feels like taking a break from spending her boyfriend’s money.
The Other Vera Wang
Melissa is meeting with the “other” Vera Wang to talk about doing a line of swimsuit cover-ups. The OVW has a company that helps people starting fashion lines through the manufacturing process. Too bad she doesn’t have a company that helps people through the creative process seeing as how Melissa’s idea aren’t exactly setting the world on fire. Vented sleeves and lace trim? Who would have ever thought of that? You also have to love Melissa’s third grade sketches. I mean that’s what you’ve got in your “portfolio”? And Vera saying they’re really beautiful is ridiculous. They’re beautiful because Melissa has a TV show and she thinks that will sell cover-ups. She’s no dummy.
Stamp This Tramp
Bonnie is boyfriend stalking Booger. Seems she needs to find a way to break him & Whitney up. She finds his website where he’s posted pics of all his tattoos… OMG, he has a tramp stamp. WTF??? Booger, I was so on your side, but you have a peek-a-boo tramp stamp. That definitely drops some points off the plus column. However, the “Yay” tat above your junk actually makes me giggle. Bonnie, however, not so much seeing the humor.
Cue The Drama
Oh look it’s the crazy dog kid from Cindy’s party who is now pageant coaching and hair styling. No wonder he was upset about the dog almost getting out. He had just done its hair. Seems Nikki has a pageant business she’s working on the same day Leslie is working on hers. Oh the coincidences that happen oh-so-naturally on this show… Anywho, it is not lost on Leslie that Austin showed up to help Nikki and Kalyn did not. This, of course, is when Tyler calls to let Leslie know that Kalyn is in the hospital. Leslie’s reaction is, um, less than suprised or concerned. She might as well have just been told she got white rice instead of the brown she ordered. And did she just ambalance? Oh she just found out that Kalyn has an IV, so now we know it’s serious. Or she’s dehydrated.
Lay Your Hands On Me
The ladies are lounging at the club for an afternoon cocktail when Cha Cha pops by. Cindy apologizes to her for picking a fight at her party. She was just upset about Cha Cha’s snide remarks about her parenting. Yeah, then maybe don’t go to the party. There’s a thought. Cha Cha says that they all have the best interest of their kids at heart. So they both agree to disagree with Cha Cha saying she’s just “hands on”. Uh yeah, you could say that. Melissa tells the girls about her meeting with the other Vera Wang and her cover-up line. She also drops that she’s looking for investors. Cha Cha offers to keep an ear out. Cindy actually ponies up and says she might be able to help out with an investment. For someone that was never married and doesn’t work, she sure has some deep pockets. Family cash? Melissa is excited but also worried about Maddie not having as much of her time. Yeah, back the helicopter off the hovering. Maddie will survive. After Melissa walks away, Cindy admits to Cha Cha that she has no interest in actually investing. Now why say that in the first place? Yeah, still haven’t found a single redeeming quality to this woman. Thanks for adding her to the cast! Now, bring back Heidi & Pam!
Sick In Style
Did Leslie really take a Town Car to the hospital? Of course the hospital won’t release any information seeing as how Leslie isn’t actually family… Yeah, that whole legal guardian thing apparently wasn’t in the script. I mean that wouldn’t be very dramatic to actually hear the doctor say nothing’s wrong. Oh look, there’s Kalyn being wheeled out of the hospital… without having had life-saving surgery. We do find out that she had IVs and tests run. What we don’t find out is what was actually wrong. I’m calling UTI right now. That’s where my money’s going.
X-Rated Ass Crack
Bonnie is doing a radio interview and she’s taking Maddie along since she’s the face of Fiona Frost. And right in front of her young ingenue, she tells Melissa that she found Booger “porn” online. OK, I’m afraid to hear any more of this story. Oh hold your fire, Bonnie’s definition of porn is Brandon’s ass crack. Really? Lady, if you think ass crack qualifies as porn, you are in big trouble. And you should also never hire a plumber. And while ass crack is porn and disgusting to Bonnie, she has no problem discussing whether his “Yay” tat lives up to the hype. Um, mom talking about daugther’s boyfriend’s junk is actually grosser than any of the tats… or porn.
It’s a Stress UTI
Leslie comes to check on Kalyn full of fake sympathy. She’s such a horrible actress. She does her requisite personality flip from stern parental figure to caring mommy figure. Suddenly she thinks she is too hard on Kalyn and should be taking care of her. Turns out Kalyn stressed herself into a kidney infection. Oh I’m sorry Whitney stressed Kalyn into a kidney infection. You have to be kidding me here. Wait wait wait… hold the phone. On the couch interview, Kalyn says it was indeed an urinary tract infection that grew into a kidney infection. Now there are no medical degrees hanging on my walls, but I’m pretty sure UTIs are not caused by stress. They’re caused by sex. I mean they’re also caused by catheters and family history can make you more prone to them, but let’s be honest, our little fired flirter was getting her bang on. And I gotta call shenanigans on the doctor saying it was stress related. No doctor is going to say stress caused an infection… unless that doctor is Dr. Seuss. But Leslie, being the brainiac that she is, buys it hook, line and sinker. Or is that sink, line & hooker in this case? Wait, how is Whitney picking on you, Kalyn? You went to her boyfriend’s to get your chooch pierced! You poked the bear, honey. But sympathetic nurturing Leslie is going to handle this with Bonnie. Good luck with that.
Oh no. Bonnie’s back at the tattoo shop to have a little “heart to heart” with Boogs. She’s taking her “investigation” to the next level. OK, Nancy Drew. She asks him about the yay tat and he says doesn’t know how it got on the internet. She said he uploaded it. Oh right. That. Not off to a brilliant start here, pal. If you can’t outwit, Bonnie, you may want to get some tutoring. Nest, the peek a boo crack tat. He says he’s goofy & silly and and so are his tats. Mmm… we can go with silly. And so begins the real interrogation. What is Whitney’s favorite color? Nails it. Does she prefer glitter or shimmer? Nails it. And then a whole series of questions about worms which does more to prove that Bonnie is cray versus that Booger is a bad boyfriend. After his whiff on the first question, Booger is taking every thing Bonnie is serving and volleying it right back at her. He is even willing to dress as an elf on Christmas. He’s OK with costumes which makes him OK with Bonnie. Game, set, match to Boogs.
Maddie brings Kalyn some balloons to her sick bed. She tells Kalyn she was so worried. Kalyn is not moved. Kalyn is an asshole. She is also damned determined to rewrite the book on infectious diseases. She tells Madde that she had stopped sleeping and eating because of Whitney, which is how she got the UTI. She stops just short of also telling Maddie that she turned water into wine at the hospital because, you know, that part might seem a little farfetched.
Cindy & Leslie go play golf because Leslie is so stressed over Kalyn’s “illness”. OK lady, it’s a UTI. Not the plague. All Kalyn needs to do is drink some cranberry juice, take some antibiotics and keep it in her pants for a week. But good ol’ Leslie is perpetuating the situation. She tells Cindy that Bonnie is ignoring her and the situation. Good on ya, Bon. Cindy says she needs to corner her and confront it. And the Vampire Party is the best place to do it. Is it? Is it really the best place? Oh right, it is for a group of women that have no boundaries. Got it.
On A Very Special BRT
Melissa is giving Maddie a home manicure and listening to her recount tales of The Great Illness of 2012 – aka Kalyn’s infection. Finally, someone with a brain! Melissa explains to Maddie that Miss Kalyn didn’t stress herself into an infection. She humped herself into one. Kudos to a mom that’s open and willing to talk to her kid about sexual health and dismantle the misinformation out there. Tip o’ the hat, Melissa.
Melissa then tells Maddie about her swimsuit cover-up line. Maddie is supportive and excited for her mom. She’s also worried about her taking so much time away from her. So Melissa decides that they’ll be partners. Hey, while you’re cutting those patterns, maybe use those scissors to cut that umbilical cord.
Retail Therapy – Stronger Than Antibiotics
Look who’s up and out of bed! What unimaginable strength or bravery our fair Kalyn has. She mustered all that energy from her sick bed so Leslie can take her shopping. Because nothing says sorry for being a shitty guardian like a shopping spree. Leslie tells her that Bonnie isn’t answering her calls. Kalyn appreciates her stepping in and geting her back. And by getting her back, she means swiping her boyfriend’s credit card. But Leslie promises to defend her to Bonnie no matter what. Yeah too bad you’re about to cause a scnene in front of everyone so they can all her about Kalyn’s UTI.
So our little Whitney found out about the Boogs investigation and is pissed. So much so that she storms over in her cherry red Mercedes to tell her off. Yeah mom, stay out of Whitney’s life unless we’re talking about getting her bills paid. Bonnie tells Whitney her meeting with Le Boogs went really well. Besides, she just went to give him a sandwich. Really? That’s the best excuse you can come up with? Sandwich delivery? Whitney is still pissed, natch. Bonnie tells her that she invited him to the book launch party… which is open to the public. Quite the gesture, Bonnie.
A Lesson For Leslie
Oh look, Boogs is helping set-up for Bonnie’s book launch party. No wonder he was invited. And no hat! He actually does have hair. Wait, who has an open party at their house? Our little pageant helper, Austin, is here in full make-up. Yep, methinks he’s a friend of Dorothy. For sure. Makes me like him a little more. Maddie does a reading from Bonnie’s book for the crowd in her Fiona Frost character, which is basically her in glasses.
Melissa asks about the Kalyn/Whitney drama and Bonnie says she’s not interested in hearing it. Well, if you won’t create drama, then let’s have Melissa stir the pot! Melissa lets her know that Kalyn is telling everyone that Whitney gave her the infection due to stress. You know we’re about to hear Bonnie go off and drop another mention of her PhD any moment. Yep, there it is! As a biologist with a PhD in physiology, she knows that that’s impossible. Yeah, I’m a writer with a PhD in wine and I know that’s impossible. Bonnie will not have her daughter be accused of giving Kalyn “hooker disease”. OK, well it’s not hooker disease… It’s just a bladder infection. Calm down.
Cue Leslie and her naughty nun costume. Leslie doesn’t even stop for some witch’s brew. She marches right up to Bonnie and starts with her about not answering her calls. Bonnie says it was a hint and reminds her that she’s not interested in reining in her 24-year-old. She’s also isn’t interested in having a scene when there’s press around. Yeah, if it’s someone else’s party, have at it. Her party, not so much. Cindy who promised to get Leslie’s back steps in and tries to mediate the fight… aka tell Bonnie to listen to Leslie and her good intentions. Bonnie asks them both to leave. As they are walking out, Bonnie shouts across the room that you can’t get UTIs from stress. I guess that whole “no scene” thing was only if she wasn’t the one causing it. Bonnie recommends that Leslie look it up. Leslie has no response because she realizes that she actually might need to hit up Google. And with that, off she goes. One can only imagine the chastizing and veiled threats she’s going in store for Kalyn when she gets home. Hope Kalyn didn’t take the tags off those new clothes yet. Although maybe she should return them and use the money to buy some condoms…
Rachel: I always knew Leslie was a special kind of stupid, but tonight takes the cake. There’s no way this woman was ever a successful businesswoman. Never happened. It’s as big of a BS story as the first ever stress-related UTI.