One Sentence Summary – Kalyn’s lust for her job has more to do with her coworkers than her duties, which gets her fired.
Rachel: So tonight we have yet another fight between Whitney & Kalyn. Yawn… This storyline is boring me. Can we write them a new one? I like Whitney with The Boogs. Let’s find Kalyn another family member to hit on, shall we, and leave the happy couple alone. And as much as I can’t stand Cindy, I hope she gives it to Cha Cha good tonight. I still can’t believe that this bitch has slapped her kid twice, verbally belittled her over & over and manhandled her, but has had zero repercussions. Really Style Channel? Really? I’m close to pulling the plug on the show all-together. What do you all think should happen?
Melissa: A warning friends… I am fighting off a nasty cold, not to mention I’m in the Northeast with Sandy knocking on the door for a visit this week and watching news reports of the morons who, given they have been told since about noon today to evacuate, are thinking they can brave the conditions. I’m at zero patience with stupidity, and we all know the Texas ladies have the potential for flagrant stupidity. With that, let’s find out what the Texas twits are up to this week.
Rachel’s What Happened: Cha Cha continues to find new and exciting events for the show… er, I mean the club members. Today we are learning archery. Who keeps putting weapons in Cha Cha’s hands? Oh right, Cha Cha. Bonnie is enjoying furthering her ninja skills but is exhausted from her fight with Cindy. You shouted at her for about 60 seconds and that’s exhausting? Girl, you need some serious help.
Then there is a conversation among the kids about how much time their moms spend with them, which is about as interesting as a table cracker. Look guys, I know you try and foreshadow all these upcoming dramas for us, but you’re not crafting an Oscar-worthy movie here. Just move along to the next thing and I promise you we’ll be able to connect the dots on our own. I swear.
Melissa: I love to see that the ladies are all comfortable with being armed. I will say archery is pretty fun – frustrating as hell, but fun. Looks like Bonnie doesn’t care for Cindy. She’s not going to get an argument from me. I haven’t wrapped my head around that woman yet either. Guess we’re getting the first indication that Cindy is a pretty hands-off mom sending her daughter off the to the mother-daughter event alone so she can drink with Leslie.
Two Martini Lunch – Fifth Day In A Row
Rachel’s What Happened: I love that Cindy is ragging on the club moments after joining. Why join then? Oh right, because you don’t want to be left out of the drama. Cindy doesn’t understand why Bonnie was threatened by her talking to her husband. Um, maybe because you were running your hands through his hair? Just a thought. Leslie, the genius that she is, says that Bonnie doesn’t like women hitting on her husband, as if it’s an outrageous feeling. I mean making him work from home might be a bit overbearing, but what woman wants their husband getting hit on? As a single woman, I am beyond careful about my behavior around my friend’s significant others. It’s called respect. Seems like it should be an easy concept, but is actually becoming more foreign to most people every day. But that’s a rant for another time and another blog.
But let’s move on from Bonnie. Leslie is having her middle son Spencer come to Texas for a visit. Oh goodie, more man candy for Kalyn! Leslie wants him to move there, but will probably feel differently when she realizes she’s brought another potential victim into her home for her goddaughter. Actually, she might not want to bring him around Cindy either.
Melissa: Um Cindy, that wasn’t being friendly, that was full on hitting on him. I don’t blame Bonnie for flipping out on you. I mean, she has that tendency anyway, so why poke the bear? Wait, Leslie has another son? She’s going to take him to the stockyards for a “fun day out”?
The Cha Cha Cocktail
Rachel’s What Happened: Cha Cha is getting her logo done for her new business and planning a launch party. She seems to be off to a better start with her logo treatment than our friend Sonja over in NYC. They did actually do a much better job. Sorry, Heather. They are going to have a special diva cocktail at the party as well. Damn, The Winey Bitches need our own signature cocktail. We certainly drink enough. How to make that happen…
Melissa: So she’s planning a launch party for her business? I like the logo. Yeah, why don’t the Winey Bitches have their own signature cocktail? We need to get on that. I’ll start working at the short list… I’m a giver like that.
Girls’ Day Out
Rachel’s What Happened: Whitney & Nikki do a little shopping & discuss relationships. Nikki is jealous of Whitney & Booger living together. She can’t get her boyfriend of a year & a half to make that commitment. Whoa, was I sleeping on the job? Whit & The Boogs have only been together a few weeks? I knew it wasn’t a long time but I was in the ballpark of a like 4 or 5 months. That’s still bananas fast but a few weeks? Slow your roll, sister. They decide they’re going to do a double date so Booger can nudge Adam into thinking that cohabitation is a good idea. Lord help you if that backfires.
Melissa: I like Nikki’s influence on Whitney. At least she’s finally hanging out with someone her own age.
If You Wanna Ride…
Rachel’s What Happened: Maddie stops by to see Kalyn hard at work shoveling shit. Bet you miss the cupcakes now, eh? Much better to come home smelling like sugar & vanilla than the ass end of a horse. Ah, lessons of youth. I was going to question the hot pink shirt cut down to the rib cage and the hot pink bra underneath as part of the work uniform until Kalyn mentioned all the hot cowboys running around. Seems our resident hoochie is bent on working her way through the ranch hands & jockeys. Guess the horses aren’t the only ones available for a ride.
Kalyn tells Maddie that she can’t understand why Whitney still picks on her. I’m thinking that it might have something to do with your asking her boyfriend to get up close & personal with your vagina. I mean I’m just guessing over here.
Melissa: HA, cracks me up seeing Kalyn shoveling shit. AWESOME! Why is her bra hanging out? It’s not like that shirt isn’t see-through, no need to have it unbuttoned to your navel. Oh, it’s because she’s looking for a cowboy to take for a ride. Maybe if you didn’t instigate with Whitney she’d back off.
Fun With Science
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie comes over to help Whitney study, which means gossip. She is proud of Whitney’s behavior at the BBQ. Really? She made a scene. Oh wait, it’s the whole apple doesn’t fall far from the tree theorem. You know, since we’re talking science. Apparently, if you don’t actually physically assault someone, you have handled yourself with dignity and class, never mind if you bawled someone out and hurtled curse words across the room. Ah, parenthood.
Melissa: Wait, Bonnie helps Whitney study? I mean, it sounds like the girl needs all the help she can get, but you really need to cut the strings my dear.
Latch Key Club Kid
Rachel’s What Happened: After a rousing game of tennis, Maddie fills Alex in on all the boobaliciousness that is Kalyn at work. Alex wants to work at the pound for the summer. Fascinating conversation. But we’re really here to build the case against Cindy for being an absentee mom. She was supposed to pick up Alex and take her to volleyball, but I guess was too busy cocktailing to make that happen. So, Cindy ignores her kid and Cha Cha hits hers. Lovely.
A Little Less Conversation
Rachel’s What Happened: Shaye is apparently in need of another sport for her resume so mom has signed her up for volleyball. Needless to say, Cha Cha escorts her to the game and is incredulous to learn that Cindy never attends to watch Alex. Cha Cha asks Shaye if she could imagine if she didn’t come watch her cheer. Shaye doesn’t answer but it’s very clear that she can imagine it. In fact, she imagines it all the time. Luckily for Alex, Cha Cha has adopted her as her designated shout target and does her usual loud & proud routine. Alex wishes she took it down about 12 notches, but did actually appreciate having someone rooting her on. Yeah, I imagine it would be nice to have a parent that gave a shit.
Melissa: You know Shaye can imagine not having her mother anywhere around her. I’m sure she dreams about it nightly. I feel for you my dear. I’d start spreading rumors my mom was an alcoholic so maybe people would ignore her if I had to deal with D on the sidelines like that.
Flirting With Disaster
Rachel’s What Happened: Mmm… ice cream. Wait, what? Oh yeah, Kalyn & Maddie… Seems our resident overachiever Kalyn got fired from her job for flirting, inappropriate dressing and basically not getting her work done. Surprise factor: 0. She will have to find another job before Leslie finds out. Are there any jobs left in Dallas? Maddie promises not to tell Melissa either and they pinkie swear with a kiss to make it so. I feel like I’m watching Sweet Valley High.
Melissa: Kalyn got fired for flirting and dressing inappropriately… Shocking! Wait, how are you going to hide this from Leslie? You know the gossip travels faster than the speed of light, especially with the club crew, down in Texas.
No You’re The Bad Mom. No, You Are.
Rachel’s What Happened: And so begins the battle of the crappy moms. Cha Cha drops off Alex and “encourages” Cindy to come to Alex’s games with her. Yeah, that’ll make her want to show up. Lord woman, tone it down. The entire block can hear you. But before she insults Cindy’s parenting skills further, she makes sure that she’s going to come to her launch party. She lets her know that there will be lots of booze, which is Cindy’s mating call really. And back to Alex’s next game that Cindy won’t be attending. You know, she’s a very busy woman what with all her not working and not doing anything helpful for the world. Cha Cha continues the “rah rah mom” routine until Cindy says she’s feeling insulted. Oh no, that’s not where Cha Cha was going at all, except that that’s exactly where she was going. But she backs off before she gets a taste of her own slap happy medicine.
Melissa: Oy D, take it down a notch with forcing yourself on Cindy. Wait, what does Cindy have to do? It’s not like she works. Yes my dear, D is trying to play up she doesn’t think you’re a good mom. See, she’s allowed to bat her kids around as long as she makes it to their activities and screeches at them, that completely negates a backhand to the face in her world. D, she was looking out to the sidelines because your caterwauling was completely distracting her.
Ladies Who Lunch
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie has the girls over… well most of them – Connie, Melissa & Cha Cha – for some afternoon iced tea. I’m going to assume there’s a little something something in there to make the impending gossip session more palatable. We start with Bonnie telling the ladies about Kalyn’s trip to see Booger for a hooha piercing consultation. Ah, just what you want your friends’ parents discussing. Melissa thinks she needs to be reined. Then again, she is an adult. But, says Cha Cha, Leslie is still trying to parent her. On the other hand, she’s never had a girl. Bonnie thinks she should try and teach her how to behave… So, you ladies have no opinion other than every opinion on the situation.
After those deep thoughts, the conversation turns to Cindy’s absentee parenting. Melissa takes her side as a single parent. She also is letting Maddie go out with Alex & Cindy tonight. Shaye, on the other hand, not allowed. Cindy drinks too much so Shaye doesn’t get to go. I’m not necessarily against that to be honest. However, Cindy could be sober as a judge and Cha Cha still wouldn’t let Shaye go.
Melissa: No ladies, Kalyn will not be reined in, nor will Leslie be the one to do it. She’s got to secure herself a man to pay the bills, so Kalyn’s on her own. She’s got her priorities right now. Of course D won’t let Shaye go to dinner with Cindy… Shaye isn’t allowed to do anything without the hawk.
Fun At The Stockyards
Rachel’s What Happened: Not gonna lie, I had to actually look up what a stockyard is. Sorry, urban girl here. Anywho, Leslie takes Kalyn, Tyler and Spencer out for some good old fashioned Texas fun at the Stockyards. Does Kalyn own pants other than Daisy Dukes? I think not. But the big news here is that Rip wants Leslie to move in with him. He hasn’t proposed but they have spoken of marriage. Spencer thinks that 6 months isn’t enough time to truly get to know someone and maybe she shouldn’t move in just yet. Leslie, as usual, is ambivalent about the feedback even though she asked for it. She also has no idea what a jalapeno is & is shocked when she eats one and it’s hot. She really is a dipshit.
And there it is, Kalyn thinks Spencer is hot. This little girl is so desperate for attention it’s actually pretty sad. She wants to know how long Spencer is in town. Pretty much he’s out of there as soon as he can be. Work calls. But he’ll be back in a few months and they can hang out then. Tyler, usually as clueless as his mom, actually realizes what’s going on here and is confused by the flirting going on in front of him. Yeah, your godsister has moved on to your brother. That is happening. Anyone else see the glance Kalyn gave Tyler there? The ol’ “jealous yet?” stare. Leslie, on the other hand, oblivious.
Melissa: Oy Leslie, poor Spencer now remembers why he’s moved halfway across the country from her. At least he’s the voice of reason… Clearly he’s gotten all the intelligence in the family. Honey, mama wants to move in so she no longer needs to foot her own bills. Hang on a minute Kalyn, are you going to sleep with all your “brothers”? That’s just icky. I get that you aren’t related, but still… eeeewww. HA, and Tyler could you be a little more obvious with your unhappiness at the fact that you aren’t the only family member she’s interested in?
Rachel’s What Happened: So Cindy’s version of quality time is taking her kid and her friends to fancy dinners. It may not be cheering at a soccer game, but at least there’s lobster & filet involved. So much for that pinky swear. Maddie lets the “Kalyn getting fired” cat out of the bag. Technically, she didn’t promise to not tell Cindy, but telling Cindy is essentially telling Leslie. Good job, Maddie.
Boy this Cindy is a piece of work. Did she really just tell her daughter not to date someone that can’t afford to buy her expensive dinners? I mean she also threw in a little nugget about being able to take care of yourself, but really? Now she would like to know how many piercings Maddie has. She says 5; all in her ears, btw. Apparently, the number of piercings you have directly corollates to your sexual proclivities. Lots of piercings – big ol’ slut. Seems Maddie is one hole away from Skankville. Wonder what tattooing does to that average… This woman is a train wreck.
Melissa: HA, love that Maddie gave up Kalyn losing her job to Cindy and Alex. I love your attitude Cindy grilling your daughter’s friend over piercing and linking it to losing your virginity. So since I only have 1 piercing in my ears does that mean I get my virginity back?
No One Sleeps With My Sister But Me!
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie isn’t driving her kid to the airport because she has important things to do, like lounge. Guess her friend Cindy is rubbing off on her. So, Tyler will be taking Spencer to the airport. Those boys really do have a family resemblance. I wonder if that’s what Leslie’s original nose looked like.
Spencer gives Kalyn a big hug goodbye which pleases Tyler not at all. He makes it known that Spencer shouldn’t be flirting with Kalyn. He was with her first and it’s weird that his brother is now hitting on her. I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Tyler here. Getting your brother’s sloppy seconds off of your godsister is just nasty. Honestly Spencer, I’d encourage you to reach a little higher. Just a little.
Melissa: So Leslie adores her son, but can’t be bothered take him to the airport? That makes sense. HA, Tyler is getting pissed at Spencer for hugging Kalyn? That’s genius. Only one boy in this family is allowed to sleep with his “sister”. Otherwise it just ain’t cool. Dipshit.
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the double date with Nikki & Whitney. The boys are getting along famously but we’re here to manipulate Nikki’s boyfriend into moving in with her. Now she says they’ve been together almost a year even though a few scenes back it was a year & a half. People! You’ve got worse continuity issues than the Golden Girls, and they couldn’t ever remember how many kids they had. Yeah, I love the Golden Girls. What’s your point? Anyway, Booger says he knew that Whitney was the one from jump so he didn’t want to let her get away. Well, there’s also the little fact that they’ve known each other for four years. Adam isn’t budging. He wants to wait until he’s married before he lives with someone. Quite frankly, that’s his prerogative and I don’t think anyone needs to give him shit about it. He also thinks Nikki should experience living on her own before living together. Booger agrees. Whitney does not. Of course she doesn’t, being that her mom still foots all her bills, and until last week, she was living at home too.
Melissa: Look at the boys getting along. OK, I’ll have to agree with Adam that Nikki should live on her own. I think people need to experience taking care of themselves. I guess that mean Nikki still live at home?
Rachel’s What Happened: Nikki & Whitney hang poolside for a little post-double date rehash. Whitney says her main takeaway from Adam was that he said “when” he meets the one. If Nikki isn’t “the one”, then what is he doing with her. Well, there is that, although someone’s year-long relationship might not be the same as another’s. You never know what goes on. But Nikki was upset about that and the fact that her boyfriend barely showed her any affection. Yeah, I can’t say I got the warm fuzzies from him myself. Whitney suggests a symbolic break-up so he can realize what he had. I’d like to raise my hand in opposition of that idea. It’s just a stupid game with more risk than reward. If you aren’t getting something you need in a relationship and the person you are with isn’t willing to even meet you halfway, bolt. And not a symbolic bolt. A permanent one. You deserve better. It’s a whole world of pain to hope someone will step up and then have them not do it. Trust a sister here.
But enough of that, Nikki knows about Kalyn getting fired and is excited to tell Whitney all about it. She even adds a little embellishment about Kalyn actually hooking up with everyone. You know, gossip isn’t fun unless you add that extra little something special. I tell you, this Nikki loves to stir a pot.
Melissa: Nikki, my dear, maybe your man has a little more smarts to not rush off into moving in with you until he’s comfortable with it. You know it’s only a matter of time before Boogs starts to question why he asked Whitney to move in so quickly. HA, way to feed the beast Nikki. I swear Whitney just laps up any negative news about Kalyn.
Oh I’m Sorry, Did I Say Something Factual
Rachel’s What Happened: Boogs & Whitney are discussing the double date and Whitney is still not able to understand why Adam won’t live with Nikki. Boogs, who is quickly becoming my favorite person on this show, says that there are two people in their relationship and Nikki has to respect Adam’s viewpoint. As well, not everyone moves as fast as they do. Both very rational and logical responses. What say you, Whitney? Oh you’re pissed and going to storm out like a petulant child because that somehow means he thinks you’re moving too fast? Good call. I gotta hand it to you, Boogs. You’re a very patient man.
Melissa: Here it comes. This is what I warned you about, Whitney. Yes, it was moving fast. It was, what, your 1 hour anniversary when he asked you to move in?
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for Cha Cha’s launch party. I’m not sure what go go dancers have to do with construction, but hey, it’s a party. Bonnie & Whitney are in costume, of course. OK, I am laughing my ass off right now. The celebrity at the party is a member of Kool And The Gang? Genius! I mean I’ve got nothing against a little “Celebration” or “She’s Fresh” being played, but this isn’t exactly what I was thinking when Mr. PR Dude said he was bringing some celebs to the event. Did I just see Cindy drinking directly from the bottle? Of course I did.
Meanwhile, Nikki is upset because she & Adam broke up and it seems he hasn’t come running back. This is not how Serena Van der Woodsen’s life is supposed to go. Yeah, well I warned you. But Whitney isn’t trying to spend the night with both of them upset over men. It’s time to party. And by party, she means do shots.
Melissa thanks Cindy for taking Maddie to dinner and gives her props for being such a great mom. She thinks she’s doing a great job especially being a single mother. Cindy wants to know what’s with all the flattery. Oh Melissa, why not just come right out and tell her what Cha Cha said. Your pretending to be just a friend complimenting another friend is as transparent as Kalyn’s shirts. And there it is. Melissa rats out Cha Cha. See, why bother with the pomp? Just cut to the chase and get to creating drama with Cha Cha at her own party. Awesome friend. Not that I’m defending Cha Cha, but don’t pretend to be her friend and then screw with her at her own party. And off Cindy goes to confront her. She pipes off about Alex being a straight A student and tries to bait Cha Cha into an argument, but fails miserably. Cha Cha won’t have the fight in the middle of her own party. It’s not the time nor the place so she bails. Impressive. Too bad she doesn’t have the same restraint when it comes to her daughter.
And speaking of restraint, let’s catch up to Whitney who is quickly losing any she might have had that night. She’s drunk and mad at Booger so she’s decided it’s time to pick a fight. Let’s see… who would be a good person to pick a fight with… Hmm… Oh hey, look who happens to be standing right there. Kalyn! What a lucky coincidence. Whitney calls her a slut. Kalyn says something about Whitney’s booty shorts, which is amusing since she lives in booty shorts. And it goes back in forth with Kalyn actually giving Whitney a raspberry. Ha, that’s the best you got, girl? But before it can go off the charts, Leslie steps in and tries to bring the drama levels down. This gives Whitney the perfect opportunity to out Kalyn about being fired for being a slut. Kalyn cops to half of it being true. Well, maybe 3/4. Leslie would like Bonnie to step in but Bonnie reminds her that they agreed to stay out of it. But first, she thinks Leslie ought to know that Kalyn tried to get her vagina pierced by Booger. Oh Bonnie, always the grown up. And with that, we have the first glass of the evening smashed to pieces by Whitney. Well, Kalyn will not be outdone and smashes a glass herself. Classy girls. Before it can come to blows, Leslie grabs Kalyn and drags her out of the party. It’s a good thing too because Kalyn was one bitch slap away from a wardrobe malfunction. No one needs to see that. And with that, another BRT party comes to a dramatic close.
Melissa: I kind of don’t understand this party. If it’s to launch your contracting business, wouldn’t you have some examples of your work around? Hey, but she has a member of Kool and the Gang there to help. Nothing says contractor like “Ladies’ Night” blaring on the sound system. Nikki and Adam broke up? Well, who didn’t see that coming? Yes, that always helps after a break up… Getting shit-faced drunk at a party. That insures you won’t make an ass out of yourself. Way to stir the pot Melis. I can’t wait to see Cindy get all up in D’s face. Here we go with Whitney and Kalyn. Leslie, don’t go running to Bonnie to stop everything. Let the arm flapping and insults fly!
Melissa: I still miss Heidi and Pam. Maybe if we start a petition we can get a special appearance. It just feels like the ladies are calling it in.
Rachel: I’m in agreement with my partner. This shit’s getting old.