One Sentence Summary: Sadly we find the ladies exactly where we left them 3 weeks ago, helping us with our insomnia… yawn.
Rachel: Alright, I would like some kind of a pat on the back or cookie or something to reward me from sitting through 3 hours of RHOM tonight. Yes, I not only watched tonight’s nonsense, but the two I missed having been on vacation. While the girls have upped the drama factor, I still don’t give a shit about any of them. I don’t know what it is, but I just can’t seem to find anything likable, relatable or interesting about them. I was thinking that maybe it was just a matter of getting to know them, but that’s not it. I mean it only took me about half an episode to accept Aviva, Heather & Carole as the new housewives in New York. So, I’m just thinking that it’s the overall show here that’s not working. However, I am looking forward to watching Adriana slap Joanna across the face. Mostly because I hope Joanna turns around and beats the snot out of Adriana. I find her to be one of the most irritating people… ever… and I’m constantly wondering if she’s washed her hair in the last week. Maybe that will be the hook I’ve been waiting for… I doubt it, but you never know. Anyway, here we go…
Melissa: I’m about done with these Housewives, really I am. I spent a good part of my afternoon catching up on their ridiculous antics. I feel like I need to at least catch us up on what went down while TWB were enjoying ourselves. So here we go…
Eager Beaver: In an attempt to confront Romain about why he treats her the way he does, Marta learns he thinks she’s spoiled and lazy – OK, fair enough we feel the same Romain. Karent gets some Rodolfo time and we realize for all the “travel” he does he rarely misses an episode. Lisa throws a Hearts and Stars party and invites the ladies, and as usual talk turns to Karent as the ladies share how annoyed they all are with her. Ana and her daughters facebook stalk people – well, who doesn’t? Joanna confronts Adrianna about hitting on Romain and Adrianna denies it and takes the opportunity to twist the situation to talk about Karent ruining her “sacred moment” with Carlos Cruz Diez, which of course immediately Joanna calls Karent to warn her.
Sexting Candles: Karent heads into Alexia’s Venue party with a huge ass chip on her shoulder. Elaine gets a what’s what from Elsa… well, maybe not since she didn’t get the subtitles the rest of us did. While Karent and Adrianna discuss the “moment’ stealing Alexia jumps in to tell Karent she needs to earn her way into the group then tells her to hit the road. Marta moves in with Lisa – because Lord forbid she get her own place. Ana tells Robert he needs to get a prenup if he ever decides to remarry… Not that they’re divorced yet mind you. Alexia breaks down to Ana about her son Frankie’s accident and recovery. Joanna goes through Romain’s email and finds sexts with another woman and confides to Marta (who dishes to her new roomie Lisa because she’s thrilled there’s trouble in paradise and she might get to move back in). Joanna decides cooking Romain dinner will help. They ultimately decide they will try to make it work since he never actually cheated on her.
OK, so there we are, all caught up and ready for the latest installment of silliness.
Boob… or Lisa planning her party
Melissa’s What Happened: Lisa strolls her imaginary runway to pick the right look for her lingerie party to raise money for Susan G Komen – a breast cancer foundation… yeah, thanks Lisa, none of us have ever heard of Komen until just now. Moron. Sorry, my patience is less than zero with these Miami ladies. I’ll try to take it down a notch, but keep in mind friends, this is the start of my third hour of these dimwits, and I’m starting to get sick with a Franken-super-perfect-storm hurricane heading my way. OK, enough of the poor me, back to the show. Lisa thinks lingerie and beast cancer go hand in hand. Hey, what’s with the need to wear your hooker shoes while trying on lingerie for your housekeeper? I know they are most likely Louboutin, but she makes them look hooker-y. Seems Lea is snubbing Lisa and her party because… Well, because it’s Lea. Wait, there are going to be 800 people for her party? That’s a lot of boobs!
Rachel: Lisa’s having a lingerie party… what a shock. I do love that she’s using it to raise money for breast cancer research, but the stretch connecting breast cancer & lingerie is hilarious. I mean do any of us think for a second that the charity aspect came first? Uh, no. I also find her need to impress Lea hilarious as well. What do you care what she thinks? She doesn’t care so neither should you.
More Parties to Plan
Melissa’s What Happened: Speaking of getting people to a party, Lea is still trying to score her last few folks for the Black’s Gala. Of course she can’t be out-attended by Lisa’s bra party. Speaking of bras, Lea clearly left hers at home today. Joanna stops by to help or chat, I’m really not sure. Lea wonders where Karent is going to sit for the party and sweetly Joanna jumps on the grenade. Adrianna also stops to help, or chat… again, never know with these ladies. Adrianna unloads about the argument with Karent at the Venue party. Karent gave an interview and in it called the ladies “classless fame addicts with Botox for brains”. HA, point to Karent on that snarky comment! Joanna jumps to protect Karent over how reporters can turn around words people say to them. The ladies aren’t buying it.
Rachel: Again, I appreciate the charity aspect of what Lea does, but she seriously makes me crazy. And I have to laugh at the fact that she’s excited for her husband to come home from… Palm Beach. It’s an hour & a half from Miami. I mean it’s not next door, but it’s also not like he’s been working in Poughkeepsie. If you really wanted to see him, you could actually drive. I do it all the time. I don’t really get all the hate for Karent. Yeah, she’s annoying, but she’s not hurting anyone. I’m gonna say Alexia’s response to Karent at her party was about 1000% out of proportion to what was going on. In fact, I still can’t quite figure out why the hell she got into the middle in the first place. Adriana started it. And speaking of the greasy-headed devil, her new rant is about an interview Karent did calling them all classless fame-addicts with Botox for brains… Well, if the insult fits… Joanna defends Karent saying that journalists twist words. What? Our media twists facts? I’m shocked! Or not.
Melissa’s What Happened: Marysol stops to visit Alexia who has mixed up some white sangria for their day drinking pleasure (my kind of lady). Now I’m guessing it’s Alexia’s turn to talk about what happened with Karent at the Venue party. Alexia thinks she doesn’t own anything she does, and Marysol likens her to a clown who used to chase after her in her dreams as a child. Great, now I’m going to have nightmares about clowns. They both think Karent is trying to elevate herself, but isn’t going about it the right way for Miami.
Rachel: More bitching about Karent. She’s annoying, yes. But she’s not a bad person. Why waste so much energy on bashing her? Jealousy? Maybe. Boredom? Possibly. Ridiculous? Definitely.
Melissa’s What Happened: Joanna is ia huge animal activist and is doing a shoot for PETA at Lisa’s house so Joanna wouldn’t miss the bra party. While Joanna finishes getting ready she tells Marta she wants to work things out with Romain. She’s decided her shoot needs to be controversial so she’s going with a Merkin the size of a small animal with a tagline of “grow your own fur and let the animals keep theirs”. I don’t even get that, but whatever. Here we go, the soapbox talk that people who wear fur are arrogant and insecure. OK. I’m all for everyone being entitled their own opinion and freedom to share that opinion. But here’s the thing, you can’t be all ‘don’t kill the innocent animals for their fur’ in your leather shoes or jacket while carrying around a leather purse. Guess what here kiddies… you ARE what you’re preaching against. Leather isn’t made by magical fairies, it’s cow hide. Don’t be ignorant if you’re going to play preacher.
Rachel: OK, before we get into this ridiculous photo shoot, I just have to say that round ottoman with the high back thing (no clue what it’s called for real) in Lisa’s foyer is hideous. And the crooked ugly gold potter on top is even more awful. Who picked that? Sorry, just had to say it. And now I can start in on one of my biggest pet peeves… Self-righteous people who don’t actually live up to the standards they preach to others. Like our friend Joanna here. Um, so you stand up for animals but just rolled in with a leather purse? Don’t know if you know this, but leather is actually the skin of an animal. It might not be a cute & furry animal, but it’s still a living creature. So, if you’re going to sit around and call people pathetic, perhaps you should look in your own closet. And maybe stop eating meat. You’re anti-fur? Fine. Be anti-fur. But don’t get all up on a pedestal about animals and then go out to dinner in your leathery finest and chow down on some meats. And that, Joanna, is my soapbox for the day.
Melissa’s What Happened: Wait, she makes banners to welcome her husband home from a business trip to Palm Beach? Please don’t let my hubs see this. He’ll expect balloons every other week. Seems her hubs might be less than thrilled with the idea of the gala so soon to his arrival home from his “tour of duty” defending the rich and famous.
Rachel: Oh boy, here comes soapbox number two of the night. I can’t even stomach hearing these fools try and justify their defense of John Goodman. He’s a monster and a liar and a vile human being. But I’m not surprised by their attitude. He’s a rich guy who hurt someone… Someone insignificant to them… so who cares, right? I mean innocent people always adopt their girlfriends so they can transfer their assets to them and avoid having to pay the family of the deceased any restitution. Welcome to the world of the morally corrupt. Ack, I have a bad taste in my mouth. Might have to switch over from wine to whisky to clean the palate.
Melissa’s What Happened: Poor Lisa doesn’t know how to handle set up for her party. No that’s not true, she does… Scream for Daysy. Lisa is hoping Lea shows up for her event because she’s still doggedly trying to impress her for some odd reason.
Rachel: More of Lisa trying to impress Lea. I really need to understand what that is all about. It seems weirdly obssesive
Dress for Success
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh, dress shopping for the gala. OK, I’m loving Karent’s dress. Joanna dishes to Karent what she’s heard about her from the other ladies. Karent defends the article saying the blogger twisted her words. Wait, she botoxes (is that a word?) her patients? She’s a dentist right? Anyway Joanna is going to have her back with the ladies.
Rachel: Joanna, do you need to rat out the other girls? I mean I probably would too if girls were talking smack on my girl… OK, go on. I’m not sure I’m buying the misquoted portion of the story, but what do I know.
Melissa’s What Happened: Adrianna wants something a little spicy to compete with Joanna. Um, sorry sweetie you have no chance on that front. Ana and her girls hit the shop for the party as well and of course to dish on Karent. Whoa, what the hell was that flash of Adrianna? WTF is that shirt?
Rachel: These women live their lives with their breasts coming out of their clothes so I’m not sure why anyone is even remotely concerned with wearing lingerie in public. And we’re back to Karent. Yawn, I’m already bored with this.
Lisa being Lisa
Melissa’s What Happened: Looks like Lisa isn’t a fan of Marta getting to know her friends while she’s trying to plan a party. I guess Lisa was hoping Marta would be another housekeeper. Lisa thinks she’s lost and needs to find herself. Well my dear, I think she has found herself… living the good life while you and hubs foot the bill. Just saying, girl found herself exactly where she wants to be.
Rachel: Uh, what did you think Marta was going to do? Be your other maid who doesn’t do anything? She leeched off of her sister. Now she’s leeching off of you… on your invitation.
Day Drinking and Dancing with Elsa
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh it’s Elsa!! I love you Elsa. She’s not going to the party because there are too many people. Seems someone gave Elsa some alcohol today and she can’t stop dancing to her own music. She’s old enough and doesn’t need to tell Marysol anything if she doesn’t want to.
Rachel: I’m with Elsa. She doesn’t have to sell her alcohol supplier out. She gets to do whatever she wants and drink whatever she wants whenever she wants.
Melissa’s What Happened: The volunteers aren’t there, the ice isn’t there, the servers aren’t there and the bar backs aren’t there, and Lenny isn’t happy… Not one iota. Can’t say I blame him. I’m thinking Lisa has no clue how to plan a party, and to prove my point, she’s on the phone begging for 1500 cups. Oh please let them be red solo cups, that would make my day! At least Lea made it to the party, but brought her BFF Joe Francis – whom Joanna can’t stand but she’ll play the polite card until she gets enough cocktails in her. Hey now. Looks like Joanna isn’t going to be mad a Joe when she spies Marysol wearing… Dunh… Dunh… Dunh… FUR!! Or is it feathers? I can’t tell. Anywho, it’s pissed off Joanna. So Karent has to get in on the act to make sure Marysol knows she’s going to upset Joanna. Joe announces he’s the one to put Joanna on TV for the first time and he’s banged both sisters. Classy Joe. Wait, hang on Karent, did you really need to drag Joe over to Joanna to tell her what Joe said? Holy pot-stirrer!! Talk about restraint, I can’t believe Romain didn’t just full on pop him in the face. Regardless of whether it happened or not, no man wants his woman talked about. Anywho, trying to get Marta to deny they slept with Joe she gets quiet and doesn’t want to talk about anything. Methinks little sister did the dirty and well lookie there, I was right.
Rachel: Yeah, pretty much I hate the decor in all parts of that house. Maybe Lisa can take on a new project; redecoration. I think she has the time. Did Lea just really show up with Joe Francis? She really has some interesting taste in friends. I do appreciate that she wore pants however. Is Joanna really making a big deal out of Marysol’s feathers? And Karent, if you’re going to dictate that someone respect the opinions of someone, then shouldn’t the reverse happen as well? I love the term “carrier pigeon” for Karent. That’s exactly what she is. And she’s working extra flights tonight now telling Joanna that Joe Francis is saying he slept with her. The dude’s a pig of the highest order. Who cares what he says? Why you gotta start? And being that Joanna isn’t known for holding her temper, it’s only going to blow up in your face… kinda like that.
Rachel: Well, so there’s three hours of my life I’m not getting back. At least it looks like it’s going down next week and we might get some good drama
Melissa: Not even a drink toss or a slap? You ladies are really starting to wear my nerves with your nonsense. Bring it or I’m out. I mean it. No, I really do!