Rachel: Another genius episode title from the peeps at ANTM. Seriously, someone is getting paid to come up with these little gems? I get that they’re trying to do the whole Friends thing, but it’s actually laughable. And yes, I realize that the title of the episodes isn’t that big of a deal, but it’s just so ridiculous that I had to call it out. It’s just one more thing that they’ve thrown into this new crazy ANTM to try and get people watching again. Anyway, I’m not gonna waste anymore time since we are about to find out who comes back.
Lord they love to drag this shit out. As we sit and watch each girl get eliminated one by one, down goes Destiny. Then Darian… Yvonne, Jessie, & Brittany. That leaves Alyssa & Leila. The girl coming back and going to Jamaica mon is Leila. And that’s the right decision. She was the right choice. And boy is Laura unhappy. Yep, her biggest competition is back. Time to start looking over your shoulder again.
At home, the girls pack for their big trip and Kiara is mad about Victoria throwing her under the bus. She would never bully anyone like that… except that you did. Laura thinks it’s Victoria that’s the bully. She gets to be the victim with the judges. Oh boy, these girls really are dense. I feel bad for what Victoria is about to have to endure, but give her credit for not giving up. I think she’s a nutter, for sure, but that doesn’t make it ok to pick on her. But of course, that mindset is wasted on the shallow water that is Kristin, the walking talking example of beauty is only skin deep. Uch, I can’t stand her! Can she please get sent home!?!?
The girls arrive in Jamaica and are super excited. Now, I’m not ragging on the wonderousness that is Jamaica, but if it were me, I’d be bummed. Again, nothing against Jamaica, but it sure ain’t Paris or Barcelona or Rome. I mean the whole season is about taking it up a notch and you go to Jamaica? Alrighty then, let’s get our reggae on as I’m sure there will be some kind of dance challenge. There always is in the foreign locale.
The girls are shuttled onto a tour bus and find 6 lovely gentlemen waiting for them. Ok, so maybe I spoke to soon about Jamaica. The girls are enjoying their new tour guides, but none more than Kiara. I think she wants to make herself the meat in a Jamaican sandwich. They arrive at Half Moon Resort and are welcomed by a big steel drum dance party. This is where Tyra shot her first swimsuit calendar, that she produced, natch. So that’s why the girls are staying there.
At lunch, Tyra tells the girls that most models are either smizers or toochers. Yes, that is correct. This is the deep meaningful lesson we’re all learning tonight. It is only the top top models that can do both. Just hearing that nonsense actually makes me feel like I just got dumber. The girls, however, find this information to be invaluable. I find it to be hilarious. So my friends out there, are you a smizer or a toocher? Inquiring minds what to know. Personally, I’m a smoocher; especially after a few drinks.
But enough of the lessons, we have a challenge to get to. Uh, we also have a technical issue as my screen just went green. Ok, we’re back and there are some dancers getting their groove on in the street. I missed who they are but am guessing from the challenge that they are dancehall dancers. The girls have to create their own dancehall routine while smizing and tooching through the whole thing. LMAO. This ought to be genius. They pair up in the obvious teams: Kiara & Nastasia, Laura & Kristin, and Victoria & Lelia. Each team has coaches, thank G-d, to help them with their moves.
Time for the dances and the Jamaican boys are there to take this hilarity all in.
Up first, Laura & Kristin. I would tell you more about the dance, but I can barely see through the tears of laughter in my eyes. Uh, suffice it to say they were not born with natural rhythm but at least Laura is scrunching up her face so we know she’s really trying hard. Victoria & Leila don’t do much better of a job. It’s like two scarecrows trying to dance, but they’re trying so I give them that. Finally, Kiara & Nastasia get out on the floor and do the best job of them all. They can tooch their booties, that’s for sure. And when Kiara seals her dance with an accidental split (still unclear on how you accidentally end up in a split), the crowd goes wild. And by crowd, I mean boys.
Time for the scores. Victoria & Leila get an 8 for trying as hard as they did. They danced like they didn’t care. Laura & Kristin get a 7. He he… Nastasia & Kiara did a great job but they didn’t see like they were having fun. They get a 9 and win the challenge. They win jewelry & money and a whole lot of stink eye from the blondes.
Back in the house, the loveliness that is Kristin & Laura are discussing their loss. Clearly, they only lost because Kiara dances like a slut. And they hope that the photo shoot is commercial vs high fashion so Leila can suck at it and go home. I mean she’s only there because she takes good pictures and not because she’s a well-rounded model. She’s just a “lucky bitch” with a gap in her teeth. OK, can we send Kristin AND Laura home tonight?
The girls arrive to their photo shoot on the Martha Brae River to see Johnny, Rob and photographer William Richards coming down river on a raft. Today, the models have to tell a story with a single shot. They are on the raft with their husbands but are having an affair with their river raft guide. The girls get to choose their male model from the group of Jamaican tour guides. Victoria is up first and gives us her usual story about the character she’s playing. In all fairness, Johnny did ask her for the story this time. Laura is up next and needing a bit of direction. Leila is getting great feedback and this is not pleasing to Laura. Get over it already. Seriously, she’s back and you knew someone was coming back from jump. Let it go. Nastasia gets big props from Rob & Johnny. Now lets just hope that Tyra doesn’t pic another eye roller. Johnny doesn’t think Kristin is progressing enough and is surprised she’s still around. Join the club, dude. Kiara is last and we hear from the blondes once again about how she’s never had a good picture. Not one. Oh I need them to go.
Back at the house, Victoria talks to her mom and manages to not cry “oh mama” the entire time. I would say this is progress. Maybe our girl won’t actually crack under the pressure. I think having someone else in the house for girls to hate on (Leila) is helping her out.
And it’s our first Jamaican panel with Tyra doing her best irie accent. Nastasia is up first. Kelly thinks she’s getting better and she is working over social media. Tyra says there’s a little too much hooch in her tooch. Rob says she killed it and gives her a 10. She gets a 25 total. Leila worked her body but she needed more smize. Kelly loves the shot. Tyra says it’s too catalogue & gives her a 6. Score: 22. Kiara is up next. Kelly thinks it’s like an off-Broadway show. Rob says there’s not a connection with the models. She gets 19. Victoria is greeted by Kelly before she gives her the bad news. The bad news is bad. She looks like an ad for a Celine Dion concert in Atlantic City. OUCH. Rob says it’s dead in her face and she needs to stop overthinking everything. Score: 19. Kristin gets called a lap dancer. Rob says she can’t help look sexy but she still acts like she’s too cool for school. Rob asks her to act a fool and she skips around the room. Tyra says no no no, that’s not it and does an awesome over-the-top imitation of her famous “I’ve never yelled at a girl like this in my life” rant. Tip of the hat, Tyra. That was rad. Score: 21. Laura is called Barbie-Rapunzel but she did model the dress well. Rob loves the shot. And social media still loves her. Trya thinks it’s an amazing picture. Score 26.
Best Photo: Nastasia (Methinks Rob is crushing on her… Lucky girl)
Safe: Laura, Leila, Kristin
Bottom Two: Victoria & Kiara – Victoria is going home tonight. She’s frustrated and disappointed, but Tyra tells her that she should be proud. I just hope she goes home and gets herself some friends.
Bottom Line: Well, I guess Kiara will get to have some more quality time with her Jamaican host. I’m just so frustrated that Kristin is still hanging on. Ack!