One Sentence Summary: The ladies are back to face the music being sung in the key of Andy Cohen.
Rachel: So, I heard Andy Cohen being interviewed on Anderson Cooper this morning – I love me that silver fox – and he said that tonight’s reunion is like a tall fizzy cocktail compared to the New Jersey reunion. I can’t tell you how happy that made me hearing that. I don’t think my fragile constitution can handle another hour of women screaming over one another without stopping for air. Stop snickering! I am too fragile! OK, I’m not but it sounds better for the story if I play it that way. Anywho, I have no doubt that Aviva is going to stir the pot and it’s going to get loud, but these women have far less of a decibel issue than the NJ ladies and I love them for it. I also love that they can say their peace in 2 episodes instead of 3. Just please promise Granpappy Perv isn’t going to make an appearance. I actually am too fragile for that.
Melissa: I can’t believe the ladies are already over. I can’t say my brain doesn’t breathe a little sigh of relief knowing doggedly reliving every moment of the St. Barths drama is almost a thing of the past. Mostly, I want to be done, because let’s be honest, never in my career of watching my NY ladies have I been forced to side with the Ramonacoaster… I can’t have that! Now, let’s move on.
And So It Begins…
Rachel’s What Happened: Time to get this train rolling out of the station. It is not lost on me that they’re filming in an homage to money, a Finance Museum. They might as well be playing “Material Girl” in the background. We start with the obligatory “hellos” and I am keenly aware that it’s the Old Guard on one couch and the New Guard on the other. Battle lines are drawn, Bravo style.
Andy pitches the first pitch and it’s a softball; Heather’s use of the world “Holla!” Andy asks if she regrets it. She does not. It was an organic thing for her. LuAnn doesn’t quite understand what it means & I can’t quite understand how she’s really never heard anyone say “holla”. But the ladies help her out by explaining that it’s a street thing. I find it hilarious that these women even think they’re remotely authorities on street culture. You’re sitting in a bank museum in outfits that cost more than most people’s weekly incomes. Maybe even monthly. But hey, that’s just Heather doing Heather. Can’t hold her back. Holla!
That was stimulating. What’s next? A weather report? Oh, we’re getting right into it now, are we? Andy wants to know if Aviva & Ramona have spoken. Nope. Ramona is confident that she gave Aviva the appropriate apology… twice. She’s done. Can’t say as I blame her.
Melissa: UGH, so can we move away from the holla now? Yes Heather, because you’re so “street”. Really, I adore Heather, but hearing “holla” makes me flash to Vanilla Ice. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll “Ice Ice Baby” with the best of them, but it just sounds ridiculous. Geez Ramona, why do you need to pretend you didn’t hear Andy ask you about Aviva? Come on, act like an adult. Though I do love the old school vs. new with the Housewives on the sofa tonight.
The Royal Wars
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole agreed to come on the show, because as a journalist, she’s attracted to spectacle. Well, then you made a stellar choice. She’s also an observer and this forced her out of her comfort zone. Yeah, I’d say a transcontinental trip outside that zone. This show was her guilty pleasure. But she doesn’t get away with her segment so easily. Nope, time to pick the royal scab that is LuAnn’s need to compete with the princess. BTW, LuAnn’s hair is fab. I think she looks amazing.
So after we see the montage of all of Carole’s little digs, LuAnn lets her know that she doesn’t like to be spoken about behind her back. That’s not behavior becoming a princess. But apparently all her chatter about Ramona behind her back is behavior becoming a Countess? Carole doesn’t really take it all that seriously & was poking fun, though she finds the Native American humor to be distasteful. LuAnn was just trying to make light of it and throw it back on Carole because she knew Carole was picking on her. I believe that is considered “bringing it” in street lingo. Just trying to keep up with these cool kids.
Now, it’s time to discuss LuAnn’s trip to the Khans’ warehouse & her “friend jumping” according to Carole. LuAnn says there was no part of her that asked to borrow clothes. She did offer to wear them in a magazine if Naeem would want her to. I mean she knows she’s not Michelle Obama – and I do find it amusing that she was hurt Carole told her she wasn’t on the same level – but she is a kind of celebrity. You know, I’m not sure what the big deal is. If Naeem doesn’t want her in his clothes, he won’t send any over. I’m also not sure why Carole thought putting collagen in her upper lip was a good idea. She looks like she got stung by a bee. But we’re going to sit here and bicker about clothes some more. Carole doesn’t borrow clothes. The rest of the ladies do. Oh come on, this all so petty. They’re freaking dresses. She didn’t ask to borrow someone’s child. And what is Heather getting all finger waggitude about? Aviva said it was about possessiveness over a friend, not dresses, in reference to Carole. LuAnn liked that explanation, which pisses Heather off. She seems to think it’s about her answer and is now on a tangent about LuAnn being bullshit. Yep, petty petty women. #richpeoplesproblems <— That’s how the kids would tag it. Now who’s the street-est bitch in the room?
We return to Carole talking behind LuAnn’s back after some more unnecessary yelling from Heather. Carole says she’s just being funny. Aviva says she’s so quiet all the time that it’s surprising to people to hear those quips from her. Sonja says she sounded like a mean girl. Quite frankly, I find her to be funny and not remotely on the same level as the rest of the mean girls on that stage. There isn’t a one of them that couldn’t be accused of the same thing. I mean what else are they going to talk about in their confessionals, if not each other?
Melissa: HA, I loved the whole one-upper montage. It was great. Mostly what I loved is that LuAnn was completely oblivious to it. I can’t believe we’re having a conversation about borrowing clothes. Oh snap… “it’s not Vogue honey”. You know what Carole, I love you!! You really crack me up with your quippy one liners. Anyone else not getting ANY parallels to the NJ reunion? I’m almost feeling like I could nod off with such quiet arguing.
I’m Just Wild About Harry
Rachel’s What Happened: Time to talk about Aviva’s ex Harry whose sex appeal is still lost on me. Then again, I don’t date bank books so maybe that’s part of the problem… on so many levels. Wink wink. Aviva suddenly has an issue with everyone bringing up Harry because he’s her ex for a reason. She prefers to not talk about him… ever. Interesting, you didn’t have any problems with it before you were mad at Ramona & Sonja. And to Sonja’s point, you even made a grand announcement at dinner at Le Cirque about your having married him there. Turns out, Aviva is also guilty of going to the papers and bad mouthing Harry. However, she says it doesn’t count because she was only aswering a question. Honey, if it gets printed with quotes around it, it counts. Ask Teresa Guidice.
But after hemming and hawing her way through that one, Aviva finds her hook. She’s going to make this a woman’s issue. She & Sonja are both in ugly court cases with their exes, but Aviva would never take Sonja’s ex’s side because she is a “woman’s woman”. Oh please, Aviva. Do not try and beat the feminism drum. Sonja isn’t buying it either. Next attempt to shut it down: Aviva would just prefer they don’t discuss the court cases on TV for the sake of the children. I don’t believe that Aviva is really thinking of the children, but she trips having a good point on that one.
Melissa: Anyone else want to know why everyone’s so wild about Harry? Wait, she doesn’t want anyone talking about Harry, yet she’s brought him up throughout the entire season. Yeah Sonja totally nails it, the night at Le Cirque she announced that 2 people in the room were connected to the restaurant… Referencing her and Harry.
I Have A Phobia About Talking About Phobias
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh Lord give me strength… Time to discuss Aviva and her phobias. It gives me anxiety just thinking about all her anxiety. Is she really trying to play it off like she’s only afraid of heights and flying? Give us all a break. You’re afraid of the wind if it blows the wrong direction. And you can call you food issues health consciousness, but it’s really you being paranoid about every little thing on this planet trying to harm you. Oh and here we go again with the story about her leg. Look, I’m not saying what she went through wasn’t traumatic. I’m saying it happened 35 years ago. Let it go. I put my face through a windshield in a car accident at 19 on my way home from the hospital after injuring my hand that night. True story. I’m gonna call that traumatic. I didn’t lose a body part, but I also didn’t lose the ability to grasp the concept of an “accident”. I really have zero tolerance or patience for this attention getting nonsense. And that’s all there is to it. If she was really traumatized, she’d have gotten therapy and found her own set of coping mechanisms to help her move past it. But why would she do that when she can create an entire life around it? She says she doesn’t want to be that person but she doesn’t do boo to change it.
Melissa: Yes, the leg and phobias… Have a seat, friends. This is going to be a long segment! I mean I have some fears: heights, snakes, confined spaces… but chica takes the cake with her crazy! Sweet Mary, do I need to hear the leg story again? I get it was traumatic, but honestly I think this is the 3rd time I’ve heard it. I’m about done with the flashbacks and the phobias and how they were so traumatic that you carried the grudge around and destroyed your (and everyone else’s) trip to St. Barths. Though I find it interesting that you were fine on your balcony in Miami… Remind me again, how did you get there? Amtrak or drive? Oh that’s right, you flew. Must have been a magical plane.
London Calling… Again
Rachel’s What Happened: Next up, Ramona vs Heather. Heather is disappointed at how the show ended because she thought they had moved past the drama. She felt accosted by Ramona & Mario 48 hours after they started filming making it impossible to form a friendship. Ramona actually concedes that point to Heather. However, she didn’t like Heather talking behind her back and still thinks her smile was insincere. But they both agree that they got off on the wrong foot and perhaps were a bit too much alike. Heather says if London came around again, this time she’d invite Ramona. You know, now that they have enough of a rapport for Heather to tell her to shut it down when she gets out of line. So, all is good in the Ramona-Heather chapters of the RHONY diary. Personally, I think Ramona is saving all her zingers for Aviva. But I am glad to see that ridiculous war of words come to an end.
Now, let’s move on to the almost-forgotten Ramona vs LuAnn blackmailing incident. Ah yes, the sinister Ramona trying to blackmail LuAnn about her kids for… wait, what was the ransom again? Guess it doesn’t matter because LuAnn would like to move forward and that is moving backwards. How very grown up of you, Countess. Methinks you are making progress… or trying to cover your tracks because it never really happened.
Melissa: Poor Heather. I give you props for having to handle Ramona the way you have. Why are we back on London? I mean come on… Ramona hardly acted pleasant enough to want to travel with let alone invite on a business trip. Oh yeah, I totally forgot about the blackmail between LuAnn and Ramona. The beginning of the season seems so long ago.
Rachel’s What Happened: I never thought I’d be sorry to see St. Barths, but here I am. Cringing at the site of that turquoise water. Sonja lets out a heavy sigh at the end of the montage, but I almost couldn’t hear it over the giant one escaping my lungs.
When asked about her fight with Ramona & Sonja, Aviva tries to throw an apology their way saying she would understand if they didn’t accept it. Sonja says she already accepted her apologies twice before only to have Aviva turn around and continue to say vicious things about her. She’s got you there, Aviva. Aviva continues to insist her apology is sincere this time and tells Sonja that she did get caught in the crossfire. Don’t believe her words? Well, you can bet your bottom dollar there’ll be sun… Just thinkin’ about tomorrow… Oh wait, sorry. Now Aviva’s quoting Annie songs. She says the girls can bet their bottom dollar that she’s going to prove her sincerity with her actions. And they’ll have to agree to disagree on whether or not Aviva said Reid would stay at a hotel prior to her coming to St Barths. Sonja’s not interested in any of it, but Ramona has something to say. She opened her heart to Aviva, which is hard for her, and Aviva attacked her like a viper over and over and over. She hurt her deeply to the point where she felt like she was being verbally abused again by her father. Dammit, I’m siding with Ramona again. It makes me very uncomfortable.
Heather jumps in and says that she felt like it was LuAnn who really stirred the pot by saying that they were going to kick Reid out. Truth! None of this would have gone down if LuAnn wasn’t trying to distract everyone from Captain Jack & his late-night visit. Heather also says that the girls were being silly about kicking Reid out (hmm…) and she knows because she was there. If she thought for a minute that weren’t the case, she would have spoken up. This starts Aviva down the profuse apology road again. She’s still not getting a warm reception from the other side of the room. In fact, they say she’s not sorry because even after they filmed and it aired, she was still attacking them on her blog calling them pent-up cougars. Dayum, Aviva. What does that make your father? The girls think she’s just sorry because the viewers turned on her. Aviva said she felt betrayed. Ramona says she wasn’t and is ready to move to the next subject. Aviva keeps trying to spin doctor the situation, but ain’t a lady up on that stage buying what she’s selling.
Andy wonders if seeing her behavior on TV was what really made her realize she needed to apologize. She said that she realized how unhinged she had become. Ya think? Heather says it was a very dark time for Aviva. Not dark enough to shut her up. Seems she hasn’t shut up for a moment since the incident happened seeing how she was still trashing Ramona on Twitter just a month ago. Uh, yeah, so if your behavior was appalling to you, Aviva, perhaps you would have stopped Tweeting about it, though I imagine you were trying to salvage some kind of image for yourself on the hopes that Ramona’s own reputation for being unhinged would precede her. I believe that one backfired on ya.
Next up, Reid’s comment about the women being overweight. I would have loved to have heard her really try and talk her way out of that but Sonja decided to commandeer the moment and prattle on about Aviva & Carole being skinny. Sonja, honey, shhh… LuAnn puts it to rest by calling it a bad joke. Uh, no. Not a bad joke. A douche moment. And we also get to hear Aviva try and defend her definition of white trash being a great moral failure. I mean come on, there is nowhere that white trash is defined that way. This is so awesome. I’m loving watching her get clocked on every asshole moment she so self-righteously stood by. She didn’t mean to insult anyone’s skin color. She meant trashy. LOL, is that really your excuse? Oh she’s just a piece of work. But it’s Ramona that sums it up the best by telling her that she needs a new therapist. Amen, Ramona. Amen.
And with that, part one comes to an end leaving Aviva on the couch rapidly blinking her eyes in disbelief that she couldn’t finagle her way out of that mess with more grace.
Melissa: Oy, seriously, I’ve just about gotten over this nightmare. This really just makes my eye start to twitch again. There goes Aviva again blaming her behavior on her phobias and how the ladies should have put up a banner that she flew there. Never mind she’s cool to jet down to Florida for a family get away. OK Aviva, you got a few points for apologizing, but I still have to side a bit with Ramonacoaster over the way you acted. DAYUM Aviva… Trying to make a point by calling them pent up cougars? Um, that goes a little beyond the point. And YOU, Ramona, just say fine. You both need to let it go.
Rachel: That really did feel like a tall fizzy cocktail in comparison to the insanity that was New Jersey. This is a subtle bitchiness, which is really how I prefer to ingest it. But we finally get to The Pirate of the Northeastern Caribbean next week and I can hardly wait… Though the Two Winey Bitches are going to be in Paris so we may have to wait… and so might you. So sorry, but these bitches need a break from those bitches and it needs to happen in a place where there is endless wine & cheese.
Melissa: Yeah, such a tame night in comparison to NJ… A welcome break if you ask me. That being said, I think all the juiciness comes next week… YAY!