One Sentence Summary – The ladies return for another season of mud slinging, but there are two huge missing pieces.
Rachel: Well, who’s the luckiest girl in the room tonight? Me. Granted I’m the only girls in the room, but anyway… And why is that? Because not only is Big Rich Texas back, but one of my favorite Sex & The City episodes was on right before it. The one where Carrie meets Big outside his engagement party and tells him his girl is lovely a la The Way We Were. That one never gets old. And you know what else never gets old… Oh wait, I was going to try and create some pithy little connection between SATC and BRT, but let’s be honest, I’d be overstating just a tad. The shenanigans get really old, but right now, I’m more excited than a dog with two tails to see these crazy ladies back in action. Well, the crazy ladies and the one class act, my girl Heidi Dillon. I can’t wait to find out how she handled Pam’s ultimatum to the Fashionistas at the end of the last season. OK, enough yapping. Let’s get this party started!
Melissa: OK, so I was totally caught off guard seeing the first episode on my DVR!! WOOHOO! What a perfect ending to my weekend. Ah-hem… Miami ladies, tune in and learn how it’s done. I’m so giddy with excitement I’m almost shaking.
Rachel’s What Happened: Uh, neither Pam nor Connie were in the opening credits. This does not make me happy to see. I know Pam wasn’t exactly the nicest lady in the genteel south, but she sure made things fun. I guess she’s keeping her promise to leave these bitches in the dust. And Connie didn’t bring a whole lot to the table, but she did love to give Cha Cha an eye roll, which I always appreciated. Ah well, let’s move on…
We start off with Leslie who has apparently found herself a little sugar daddy in the off-season; one with a private jet and a credit card that works at Tory Burch. I wonder how long before we see Leslie in a new car that doesn’t remotely fall in line with her “I drive a Prius because I lead a green life” motto?
Oh wait, there’s Connie at the pool with the rest of the ladies; Melissa, Deaynni (Cha Cha) & Bonnie. So maybe not all is lost! Seems she’s actually happy she handed her Social Chair position off to Cha Cha…. mostly because now she can sit back and bash every event the club has and let us all know how she would have done it better. But who really cares about a Casino event when Bonnie knows about a Botox party happening at Dr. A’s best client’s home… whom I’m assuming is the new cast member. Meanwhile, I love that all of these women are at the pool in muumuus. Clearly they do not subscribe to the Housewife “teeny bikini” rule and I thank them for that.
And since we’re all wondering what happened to Pam, Bonnie gets the job of asking where she is so Connie can tell us that she’s in Spain. No one’s especially sad to hear that she’ll be there for a while. In fact, that news is so good that Bonnie has even opened her heart to Melissa now that she’s not suckling from Pam’s teet anymore. Now that we’ve covered the new girl, Pam & the Bonnie-Melissa truce, let’s move on to Leslie. Seems she’s been telling everyone that her boyfriend is a Billionaire. Yes, with a “B”. Melissa’s not buying it, but the other ladies think it’s fabulous. Cha Cha thinks she’s found her Christian Grey… Oh please let’s not talk about “50 Shades of Grey”. Pretty please. I really don’t get the hoopla over that book. Might have been one of the worst written books in the history of publishing. But Cha Cha didn’t read it for the art. She read it for the porn. Apparently, she’s into hard core porn and not afraid to say it. Awesome. So you slap your kids, humiliate them in public and then go home to watch some Breast Side Story. Class act the whole way around.
Melissa: Yeah Leslie, I thought you were all about going green… How is a private jet sustainable? I love that the Texas ladies just lounge poolside. Deaynne is excited about her casino night for the club, but what I don’t get is the bump-it in the hair. What the hell is that woman? I can’t even focus on what you’re saying. HA, Connie, I love you, the party would have been like Cabo, not Tijuana if you had planned it – HAHA!! True that, my dear. Wait, Pam is in Spain? NOOOOOOOO!! Next thing they’ll tell me there will be no Fashionista interaction and no Heidi Dillon… THAT, my Style Network friends, I will not stand for. You better bring it with the Heidi and it better be soon! I’m glad to see there’s no love lost between Melissa and Leslie. Ew Deaynne, I don’t want to know you like your porn hard core.
I Heart Boogers
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh look, Jason still hasn’t cut his hair and Whitney didn’t last out in LA. Two very shocking developments. Seems Whitney has moved home to go to esthetician school … and spend her mom’s money. But at least she has someone to keep her company. Yes, that would be her boyfriend Booger that she met on the side of a highway. You read every word of that sentence correctly. How does meeting someone by the side of a highway even happen? Just when you think Whitney couldn’t get any classier, she just goes and proves you wrong. I really didn’t think you could take a step back after dating the braintrust that is Tyler. Clearly I was mistaken. I realize we haven’t yet met the gentleman that calls himself Booger, but I’m thinking it’s a safe bet to assume on this one.
Melissa: I’m glad to see Bonnie’s husband is still rocking his Gutter look – is that really a cultivated look, or just lack of caring? Hey, Whitney is back. I guess Cali didn’t have the direct access to Bonnie’s wallet so it just made sense to come home. She met a guy named Booger on the side of the highway and decided she should date him? Yeah, that makes SO much sense.
There’s A New Botox Bitch In Town
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the Botox party at our newest cast member Cindy’s house. Bonnie is already not liking that this woman is taking her title as Dr. A’s #1 Patient. Wait ’til she starts stealing her camera time as well. Personally, I’m not sure being a plastic surgeon’s best patient is something to brag about.
Dr. A tells Whitney he was sad to see her leave his practice but is happy to hear that she’s back in esthetician school. I think he was being sincere, but it’s hard to tell since his forehead doesn’t move. Guess he’s been sampling his own product. He offers Whitney the honored slot of being his first patient of the evening. Really? Botox in a 22-year-old’s face? That’s ridiculous. We are quickly careening into a world of expressionless women. Too bad many of them don’t also become opinion-less too. Dare to dream.
And speaking of things that are inappropriate, seems Cindy spends some quality time partying with her friend’s 24-year-old daughter. Her daughter thinks it’s weird. Mom does not. Anyone else think the kids on this show are far more mature than the parents… minus Whitney, natch. It really is really a room full of role models, isn’t it?
Oh joy, Leslie has arrived. Melissa cringes every time she hears Leslie’s voice and I’m going to fathom a guess that she’s not alone. Leslie tells the girls that she’s been traveling all over with her man. They’ve been to DC, New York, Florida & Hawaii. Look, I’m not poo-pooing any of those lovely places, but if you’re boyfriend is a billionaire, you should be returning from places like Santorini, Capri and Paris. Just saying…. Cindy introduces herself to Leslie, who is thrilled that someone else in the room isn’t originally from Texas. Leslie, the ladies don’t not like you because you’re not from Texas. (Now I’m singing Lyle Lovett in my head.) They don’t like you because you’re so full of shit your eyes are turning brown. Hey, I have brown eyes so I can say that.
And because Cindy hasn’t yet learned to juke when Leslie comes at her with a conversation, she gets to hear all about how she withdrew from the Fashionistas. Oh tread carefully, Leslie. Don’t even dare say a bad word about my girl, Heidi. Melissa overhears Leslie and is ready to defend our girl’s honor as well. Seems the real story, according to Melissa, is that Leslie was asked to leave. Melissa makes this known to Cindy and the rest of the room. I can’t tell if anyone is shocked at the accusation since no one’s face actually moves. But one person who’s not having any of it is Cindy. She tells Melissa in no uncertain terms to take her BS elsewhere. This is her party, at her house, with her friends, and she’s not interested in Melissa’s drama. Melissa says she was just protecting Cindy. How gallant of you Melissa, but our Cindy doesn’t need your protection. I’m liking this new lady so far. Go on girl… Oh Leslie, the tears are a little much for me, but Cindy is buying into it so I’ll have to give you a well-played on that one.
Melissa: A Botox party? I find it fascinating that, instead of book club, it’s Botox. Ah, so this is our new friend, Cindy? Ew, OK… For real, I’m entirely too chicken for all these needles! Now who is this Nikki girl? Do I need to remember her? At least Leslie has a “non-Texan” soul sister. And finally, we get a hint at the Fashionistas… Heidi can’t be far! Wait, Leslie withdrew her membership? Oh, thanks Melis for clearing that up… She was asked to leave. Here we go… Round 27 for Melissa and Leslie. I love that these ladies think nothing of starting arguments in the middle of parties. Way to step in, Cindy. Really with the waterworks Leslie?
Rachel’s What Happened: Shaye & Maddie stop in to the bakery to see Kalyn and score some free cupcakes. I don’t blame them. I’d be hitting her up daily if it were me. It’s a damn good thing my baker sister-in-law lives in Cleveland or I’d be at her door every hour on the hour. But I’d walk so, you know, the calories wouldn’t count. SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT: If you’re in the Cleveland area and need some custom baked goods, check out: saltedcararmelohio.com. She’s a phenomenal baker. Trust me. I have a phenomenal sweet tooth. Mmmm… cake pops…
But back to the task at hand… Seems the love affair that Kalyn had with the bakery has come to a tragic end… not unlike her relationship with her almost-brother. But that’s not the shocking piece of information here. No, that would be that Shaye is not allowed to date until after college. College? That’s insane. That’s also how you end up with kids that climb out of their bedroom window in the middle of the night so they can go and meet some guy they met on the side of a highway… Oh wait.
Melissa: I’m glad to see Kalyn is still working at the bakery. Wonder if she’s still hooking up with her “brother”? Ah, so she’s not thrilled with work and opening the bakery. Wait, what the hell was that scene about?
What’s One More Hole In Whitney’s Head?
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh look, it’s Booger. Anyone else think he looks like The Situation with a lot of holes & studs in his face? And I know I have no business saying this as I am a woman with more than one tattoo, but the giant holes in the ears look is just vile to me. Makes me seriously gag. No no, I take that back. The giant “Mayhem” tattoo on Whitney’s stomach actually is making me gag. Please tell me that’s not real. Apparently, it is. As are the eight piercings Booger has done on her. I actually started to try and figure out where you put 8 piercings, but thought better of it seeing as how I’m already nauseated.
Melissa: Oh look, it’s Booger. He looks like a “Booger”. Sweet Mary that’s a hideous tat! Amen Bonnie, that tat will look dumb as hell after her first child. Rachel: Uh, it’s looks dumb as hell now.
Do As I Say. Not As I Do.
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie catches Kalyn video chatting with a guy who’s showing off his abs. She hangs up on him because it’s inappropriate. I’d think you’d just be happy those abs weren’t attached to your son. But Leslie isn’t often happy when it comes to Kalyn and that doesn’t change when she finds out she’s quitting the bakery. So, that makes pageants, school and baking under Kalyn’s “don’t feel like it anymore” belt. Lighting the world on fire there, aren’t you kid? Leslie isn’t cool with it and she’s less cool with Kalyn saying that Leslie’s not doing anything anymore either now that she has a rich boyfriend. Yeah, well see, rich boyfriends are more likely to pay the rent than some dude on the other end of an iPhone chat. So, there’s that. Now, where the hell is Heidi already?
Melissa: Well, I guess she’s not banging her “brother” anymore, although she is busy getting ab shots from some random guy. There we go, Kalyn. Quit the bakery. Make another great choice in life. I’m still confused about this relationship
With This Key, I Thee Bone
Rachel’s What Happened: Uh, more tattoos, Whitney? Really? Booger would like her to maybe wait a beat before getting more since it’s going to look like he was the influence. He wants her parents to like him. I’m thinking you might have wanted to have that conversation with yourself before you shoved 8 new piercings into her body. Food for thought. You know, when you decide to have one. Doesn’t matter though since Whitney thinks the concept of her man wanting to have a positive relationship with her parents absurd. Of course you do. You don’t respect them, so why should he bother?
But Booger’s not just all holes and ink, he’s a romantic too. He has a present for Whitney and it comes in a little square box. Engagement stud? No. Not quite. It’s a key to his pad which he’d like to share with her. I just hope it’s not located on the side of a freeway. Just out of curiosity, have they actually been dating for more than 10 minutes?
Melissa: Why does she want another tattoo? OK, I have to give Boogs some props here on wanting her folks to like him. I’m going with “will you be my girlfriend” stud in that box. Damn, it’s a key? How long have they known each other?
Vintage Is So Five Minutes Ago
Rachel’s What Happened: Say what? Is that really Cha Cha & Connie willingly playing tennis together & having fun? I think that’s the first sign of the apocalypse. As the two ladies cool down from their rigorous one volley of tennis, Leslie and her pigtails show up for a visit. Not one to miss an opportunity to kick up some dust, she lets Connie know about Melissa’s outing her & her Fashionista dismissal at the ‘Tox party. Connie says that it was actually Heidi’s decision not to accept her into the club. Of course, Leslie says she had withdrawn before the meeting. Uh, then why were you at the meeting asking to be accepted into the group? Just for fun? But she doesn’t want to waste her breath on Melissa… Right, because you just got busted in another lie so let’s pretend you’re above the gossip and move along.
But Leslie’s apparently not above insulting Connie’s business because apparently now vintage clothing is now below her. That’s right. Her boyfriend thinks she only wears new clothes and that’s how she’s going to roll from here on out. But hey, she will donate some clothes to Connie’s store. That’s right. She hasn’t forgotten about the little people. What a saint.
Melissa: OK, for real, can I just start calling Deaynni “D” because I literally have to pause to check spelling on her name every time I reference her? I won’t steal Cha-Cha, but I’m definitely going with D at this point. HA, seriously, I love these women and their gossip. Thanks, Leslie, for showing up to dish on the ladies at the Botox party. Hang on, now that Heidi decided not to let Leslie in the Fashionistas, does that mean we don’t get any Heidi fix? Say it isn’t so! Come on, I waited forever to get a little Heidi fabulousness! Damn Leslie, was that a diss on Connie about only wanting to wear new clothes? You better watch yourself and that attitude, my dear. Last I checked, there wasn’t a ring on that finger.
It’s Pretty Because It’s New
Rachel’s What Happened: Leslie has decided that since Cindy was so nice to her at the ‘Tox party, she’s going to include her and her daughter on her “new clothing” excursion. She can have whatever she wants since her boyfriend is going to pay for it. How have I never had one of these boyfriends? I gotta work on that. Pronto. Cindy advises her to buy as much as she can now, you know, in case it doesn’t last. I suppose that’s practical advice. Not so much romantic, but practical.
Speaking of things you didn’t earn, Cindy’s daughter Alex has decided that when she’s turns 16 she would like a white Range Rover. Yeah, well when I turn forty…. uh… something, I want Christian Bale naked. Hey, if we’re demanding things we want that have no basis in reality, then I’m getting in on the action. Kalyn just wants to make enough money to put gas in her car. Come on, you must want something else. Oh, seems she also wants a shirt & a purse. Is Rick the billionaire buying that too?
Leslie asks Cindy if she’ll go with her to the Casino party. I guess Cindy isn’t a member of the country club. She is a member of the “give my daughter whatever she wants” club, however. My approval rating of Cindy is falling faster than a politician’s after a wide stance in the men’s room incident.
When it’s Kalyn’s turn to check out with her “mom”, she gets the hand. Leslie would like Kalyn to know what it means to earn something… said as she buys her clothes with someone else’s money. See, Rick is her boyfriend. If he wants to buy her nice things, he can, but that doesn’t spill over to Kalyn. Wow, this bitch is something else. Throw the poor girl a bone. It’s not like you respect your boyfriend’s bank account. I still wonder how she’s a better role model than Kalyn’s real mom.
Melissa: I like that Leslie thinks this one is a keeper. Sorry Kalyn, Alex can ask for a Range Rover. You clearly don’t have the sugar mama she does. HA, wait… No really… Wait. Kalyn just said she thought since Leslie invited her shopping she was picking up the tab? BAHAHAHA… PRICELESS! Guess you aren’t getting your matching purse now are you? Nice job, Leslie. Way to show her she needs to work and achieve things on her own… Like you do. Gotta teach ‘em young about getting a man to pay your bills.
A Meeting of The Minds
Rachel’s What Happened: OK, since I’m playing celebrity lookalikes tonight, I’m calling Nikki out on her wanna-be Blake Lively/Serena Van der Woodsen look. Anywho, she meets up for a few drinks with Whitney so they can get to know each other better. They’re barely scratching the boyfriend stories surface when Cindy shows up to join them. Whitney finds the situation odd. And for the first time ever, Whitney & I agree on something. But you know, it’s good to have a mother figure around when you need some boy advice. And Cindy’s advice is never live with a man. And by never, she means ever. Apparently, she was married for 6 months and that would be the extent of her cohabitation history.
But the advice train doesn’t stop there. No, she is also of the mind that men are only good for money. You can “duplicate” everything else, but you can’t duplicate money. And let’s put the period on the end of that sentence with a shot. This woman’s a class act. But it’s not like she’s the first cougar on the prowl desperate for attention. No, sadly, there’s an entire colony of them next town over from me in Boca Raton. You all have permission to come and physically remove me from a bar if you ever catch me behaving that way. Seriously.
Melissa: Oh look, it’s Cindy out on the prowl. Whoops, Nikki actually invited her, never mind. Cindy has never lived with a guy with the exception of the husband she had for less than 6 months? I love the moral compass these ladies provide for the younger generation. “Men are good for money.” I mean, who wasn’t raised that way?
Friends Who Dye Together…
Rachel’s What Happened: Bonnie joins Melissa for some pre-Casino Party prep time at the local salon. Melissa says she has a hard time keeping her temper when she’s around Leslie. She thinks she’s a snake. Well, you’re not wrong.
But enough about Leslie, let’s talk about Booger! Bonnie tells Melissa about Whitney’s beloved. Can’t say as it’s a proud mama moment, especially when the hairdresser chimes in with “So, Whitney picked a Booger?” Zing! We’ll be here all night folks! Alright, it was funny, but poor Bonnie is going to have to hear that the entire time those two are together. So, what are giving that? Til the end of the third episode?
Melissa: HA, the “can’t we all get along” mantra. I get you think Booger’s a bad influence Bonnie, but it’s not like they’re doing meth in the driveway. He seems like a nice enough guy, which means Whitney will tire of him quickly.
It Ain’t A Party Until Drinks Fly
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the Casino Party! If I remember correctly, this was the scene of the first profanity explosion of last season. How long til the bleeping starts tonight? I’m giving it a few extra minutes since we are absent one Pamela Martin, Queen of The Cursing.
Wait, Leslie could have picked any “new” dress she wanted and she picks a teal blue prom dress from 1987? What is that? And speaking of things that should have stayed in the past, Tyler is back. Oh joy. I can already feel my IQ dropping… And my dinner rising as Cindy starts hitting on him. Lady, take a hormone pill. Yours are clearly raging out of control. And as if the family dysfunction wasn’t complete, Kalyn announces that she’s quit her job to Leslie at the poker table. Good times, everyone! Nothing people love more than a side of bickering with their martinis. Looks like someone is going to be back in the pageant world, whether she likes it or not.
So, I’m guessing that Melissa’s storyline this year is hating on Leslie since it’s all she seems able to talk about. I guess being Pam’s understudy is finally paying off. And she’s pretty sure Leslie’s boyfriend is make believe. But if he’s not, she’s using him for his money. So he’s either pretend or being used? Way to cover your bases.
Mr. Scoma makes his obligatory appearance and tries to recruit Cindy to the club. Clearly, she’ll be a member soon enough seeing as how it’s probably in her contract if she wants to stay on the show. Meanwhile, Tyler catches a glimpse of Whitney and her new man and is actually gracious about it. Says they make a nice couple. Kalyn is less impressed. She thinks they’re trashy and that she’ll kick him to the curb if she finds a text from a girl on his phone. Aw, isn’t that sweet. Still bitter on behalf of your ex-lover/brother.
And in other Whitney news, Cindy springs the news that Whitney & Booger are soon to be co-habitating on Bonnie & Jason. Good job. And off goes Bonnie like a raging bull. She is not letting Whitney move out of her house. No way. She’s going to chain her to her bed until she’s 40. I mean if she doesn’t live at home, how will Bonnie know she’s going to school? OMG, your daughter is 22, not 15. Stop treating her like she’s a child… even if she behaves like one. If she wants to move in with a man named Booger, then that’s her choice. If she goes off course for the “ninetieth time”, so be it. Let her go off the rails and then let her figure the rest out afterwards. She hasn’t achieved shit yet because she never has to with you constantly picking up the pieces. How do you not get that?
Bonnie runs off to tell Leslie, who doesn’t miss an opportunity to make it about herself. That’s right, Leslie tells her boys that if they want to live with a girl, they had better put a ring on it. And she also told her boyfriend that… Bonnie takes the bait and asks Leslie if she’s getting engaged. Leslie’s hoping that’s where it’s going. Yes, let’s talk about me! But she doesn’t get too far into the gloating before Melissa calls her a gold digger from across the room. Oh Melissa, get a life. Although Leslie doesn’t really take the high road when she turns around and tells Melissa she has no money. Yeah, neither of you are going to go home with the classy award for the night.
And so begins yet another round of screaming that culminates in drinks being thrown in each others faces. OK, you know, these women waste a lot of liquor. And I’m sorry, there is no good reason for that. Ever.
Melissa: It’s time for the ladies to party it up! Hey look everyone, it’s Tyler! And it also looks like Cindy might want to take him for a test drive. Retract your claws, sweetie. Wait, didn’t Kalyn already tell Leslie she quit? I’m confused. Maybe it’s the pinot cloud settling over me. Leslie, of course she wants to do nothing and find a man like you. You should be proud she wants to follow in your footsteps. HA, I love that Bonnie’s husband was completely in another world when Bonnie heard about the new living arrangements. Here’s the thing, Bon, maybe let her live on her own and make her own mistakes. Cut the strings! Wait, did Leslie just say ‘her boys’? She has more than Tyler? There’s my girl Melissa starting again… I love it!! Oh Leslie, stop it you’re not a victim. The look just doesn’t work for you.
Rachel: Uh, where the hell was Heidi? I’m not cool with this at all. I’m also not cool with Cha Cha being back and clearly having learned nothing from the slap heard round the world last year. Looks like we get another go ’round this year. Ack.
Melissa: Jersey may have the Teresa table-flip, but these ladies know how to rock a drink to the face like nobody’s business! Welcome back my dears… I’ve missed you so. Now where the eff is Heidi?