One Sentence Summary: Time to learn about nice nasties.
Rachel: Zzzzzz … Oh sorry, someone said Real Housewives of Miami and it made me doze off. I hate to say it, but so far, these ladies are not bringing it. I get that it’s only Week 4, but if this is how it’s going to be all season, it doesn’t bode well for the ladies. I caught a RHODC this morning and couldn’t help thinking again that I’d have rather had these ladies back than Miami. So Bravo, if you were showing them today to say “Hey these ladies were worse than Miami”, your plan backfired. Big time. But I keep on trudging through… I guess I’m a masochist. ‘Splains a lot about my dating choices.
Melissa: For the love of all things great and small I have ZERO desire to watch this week’s Miami ladies. It truly is painful. Really, I think I would rather repeatedly stub my baby toe for an hour than watch this debacle of a show.
Get It Together or Get Out
Melissa’s What Happened: Here we go with the meltdown breakdown. Romain strolls Joanna out to the beach to talk about what happened at Mynt, and along the way he takes the opportunity to remind her that he told her to cut down on her drinking. Of course he’s mad and fed up with it all. Why wouldn’t he be? Looks like Joanna was smart enough to start sleeping in Marta’s room. He reminds her it’s not the first time it’s happened, and that “I’m sorry” is falling short. Apparently he asked her not to drink that night as she’s a reflection of him while she’s in his club… Fair enough Romain, I totally give you that point. What I don’t get is why he wants to pour gasoline on this fire. Now is not the time to tell her about Adriana hitting on you at the club. WOW girl, chill out with telling him to go for it with Adriana because you have men lined up for you. That actually makes you less attractive.
Rachel: Oh Romain, you know this behavior isn’t ever going away. She’s a brat. You date her, you deal with her. How does anyone over the age of 17 behave like that and think it’s OK? And I’m not sure what Romain expected to be the reaction to telling her that Adriana was hitting on him, but I’m sure it wasn’t “Go for it. Men are lining up for me.” This girl is the reason people think models are self-centered dipshits.
Want To See My Boobs? Twist My Arm.
Melissa’s What Happened: And speaking of Adriana, she’s off to a photo-shoot with Elger Aragundi and his agent Anthony Japour. He’s been chosen to participate in a Latin Art exhibition and she’s thrilled to be his muse. Frederic stops by to check out the shoot & support his woman. Seems Elger wants to finish the shoot topless… Oh really, Elger? Adriana doesn’t want to be naked because of her son and her business. And faster than I can snap my fingers she ditches her clothes. Way to hold on to your morals, girl!
Rachel: What is Frederic wearing? Are those pants shiny & lavender? I was about to say that if the woman doesn’t want to show areola then the woman shouldn’t have to, but it seems she got comfortable with the nakedness before I could finish that thought.
Melissa’s What Happened: Karent and her mom, Lucero, share a glass of wine and mom’s thoughts of Rodolfo. Yep, Mama hates him. Karent admits she wants to get married and have kids. She gets sentimental when she sees everyone else with their children. Maybe that’s why she puts up with his antics. Part of me just wants to shake her and tell her to snap out of it… I’m sure Mama does too.
Rachel: Told you mama hated the boyfriend. I think Karent needs to listen to her mom. She knows what’s up. That man isn’t going to marry you. I hate to say it, but there’s nothing that indicates that he has any interest in marriage. Personally, I don’t think he even has any interest in monogamy.
Melissa’s What Happened: Lenny and Lisa sit down for a little coffee talk about how long his day was and how stressed she is over the whole “baby situation”. Seems they have been trying for 3 years and it’s been a struggle. She doesn’t know what could be causing her issues, but wonders if he blame her? Thankfully he tells her he doesn’t, but she feels like he’s not sensitive to her and what she’s going through including 3 miscarriages. No offense here sweetie, there’s a chance he’s just as upset about the whole situation as you are… not to mention having to listen to you complaining about it and accusing him of blaming you. He tries to explain that he can’t help but be frustrated over the whole situation, but doens’t blame her and they need to go to the specialist. Um wait, 3 years and they haven’t seen one yet? Come again?
Rachel: Is it just me or does it sound like these two are having a conversation about her infertility as if they have never had a professional examine her? I mean, yes, your husband is a doctor, but he spends his days shoving saline balls into women’s breasts, not trying to figure out why someone is having trouble conceiving. Maybe run some tests? Just a thought. And the dude is being sensitive lady… honest, but sensitive. Why are you giving him grief? And after 3 miscarriages, you feel like you’re out of options? There are more options, genius, which you’d know about had you gone to a freaking doctor! Oh, so you have seen a doctor and yet you have no idea about options or possible reasons you’re having miscarriages? Either you two are the dumbest people on the planet or that was a horribly ill-conceived attempt at making us sympathetic to her plight. Just let’s be honest, shall we? Don’t contrive scenes like that and expect us to not catch on. I know we’re dumb enough to watch in the first place, but come on.
Queen of Nice Nasties
Melissa’s What Happened: Finally Adriana gets to see her photo, but is disappointed at its small size. However, she is happy it’s not one of the topless photos… No sweetie, those are in his private collection (wink, wink). Even better, her picture has been sold. Lea and Karent pop buy in support of her & to check out her picture. Lea (half) jokingly asks if Adriana bought it for herself. I have to admit, I pondered the same thing. Oh DAMN, did Lea really just cackle about how much airbrushing was needed? You have the nerve honey. Now Karent wants in on the action and asks if she can get her own portrait done. Shockingly, Lea wants nothing to do with it all. She tells Adriana she only came for the unveiling of the “supermodel” and is ready to jet without looking at anything else. Now that she’s gone, Karent tells Adriana that she finds it hard to hold her tongue with Lea’s back-handed compliments, aka: “nice nasties”. Adriana suggests Karent tone herself down with the other ladies. At the Carlos Cruz Diez exhibit, Adriana is all aflutter over possibly meeting the artist as Karent begins bellowing his name across the gallery. Classy. How adorbs is he?? Adriana asks if she can share a picture of the two of them on Twitter, as she is such a great fan of his work. He says he doesn’t normally take pictures, but will make an exception for her. Not to be outdone, Karent ignores that piece of info and hops right in for her own photo op. Adding to the ‘oh no she di-in’t’ moment, Karent beats Adriana to the tweet, which please Adriana not at all. Oh Karent, I guess you don’t want to get invited back.
Rachel: So that’s the photo he chose… m’kay. What did the other ones look like? And I love that it’s called “Adriana’s Pandora Box” and she thinks it’s about the one she’s sitting on. Personally, I think it’s the one we’d all be staring at had she moved either leg an inch either direction. Just sayin… And speaking of things popping out, those toads coming out of Lea’s mouth are quite the show of insecurity. Look lady, you agreed to be on a show with women who are younger, thinner & hotter. Deal with it. Though I do have to agree with her that Karent really should have given Adriana her moment in the spotlight without trying to steal a piece. I’m gonna have to remember “nice nasties”. I like that term for back-handed compliments. Oh how cute is Carlos Cruz Diez? And yeah, Karent, you gotta take a step back. You’re stepping on some major toes here.
Melissa’s What Happened: Joanna has been invited to dance in Miami’s Winter Party, which is their Gay Pride event. She and Marta head to rehearsals to meet with Ivan Cano of the Gay & Lesbian Task Force and Alexandra Silva of New Century Dance. She’s hoping to introduce Marta to more people to help her get some work. Yeah, I’m thinking Marta isn’t really looking for work. Joanna is nervous about dancing in public & keeps reminding everyone that it’s been 2 years since her Dancing With The Stars stint. Marta has taken a good mockery spot in the corner of the room completely distracting everyone from what’s going on by making smart assed remarks to Joanna. Of course, Joanna isn’t mature enough to just blow them off. No, she has to snipe back at Marta and waste everyone’s time. Clearly these folks are scratching their heads over the decision to ask her to be part of their show.
Rachel: OK, why do you take Marta places if you know she can’t act like a grown up? I’m just glad the dance instructors have no tolerance for their childish behavior. Seriously, sibling rivalry isn’t cute after the age of 10.
Melissa’s What Happened: At Adrianna’s, she needs Frederic to take her Salvador Dali off the wall… without manhandling it of course… so she can loan it to an art event. She asks Frederic why he didn’t get her bubble wrap last night. You know, because he should anticipate her every move.
Rachel: Look at Adriana with a Salvador Dali. I’m very jealous. One of my fave artists.
The Tweet Heard ‘Round Miami
Melissa’s What Happened: Finally, we get a little Alexia time and a reveal of Elaine Lancaster’s other personality, James, which confuses the hell out of Alexia’s husband. As the ladies ooh and ahh over Adrianna’s Dali (except Lisa who thinks she could paint the same thing), Lea asks where Karent is. Adriana says she likes her art events quiet. Amen to that. Now if only you had felt the same about Lea.
Upstairs as the ladies are sipping on drinks, the talk turns to Marysol. James eludes to her absence being a result of being drunk. Alexia excuses herself from the gossip session because Marysol isn’t there to stand up for herself… Classy move my dear. Ah ha, Lea doens’t like Marysol because she thinks Marysol vindictively keeps James / Elaine from getting jobs. Thanks to Ana sticking up for the absent Marysol, we learn that she feels like Lea is badmouthing her company, which could hurt her business. But enough about that tired story, it’s time for Adriana to share Karent’s tweet overstep with the ladies. She is still mad that Karent “beat her to the tweet.” So much so that she says it no less than a half dozen times. We get it. We swear. Lisa, while listening intently, doesn’t appreciate the ladies talking about Karent behind her back… Um sweetie, have you not seen any of the Housewife shows? That’s all it’s about.
Rachel: Oh look, it’s Elaine Lancaster as James. Can you still be considered an “adjunct” Housewife out of drag? Oh already Karent is getting left out of invitations. Can’t say as I blame Adriana. Wait, did Lisa just say that she could draw the Dali painting herself? This is why blow-up dolls should be seen and not heard. Wait, didn’t Elaine/Jim have their powwow with Marysol at Mynt? You know what, I don’t care. It’s such an over situation. Let it go. If I hear “beating me to the tweet” one more time, I’m going to punch the TV… which will really only suck for me. Two times.
What? This Is How I Always Look
Melissa’s What Happened: Ana and Marysol catch up so Ana can share the previous night’s gossip… about her. Marysol doesn’t really care, but Ana can’t handle the situation because Marysol’s business relies on recommendations. Ha, Ana thinks since Lea only married a rich guy she doesn’t get to talk about anyone’s career, especially Marysol’s. Marysol still isn’t all that concerned about Lea & James, which seems to annoy Ana because she won’t stand up for herself.
Rachel: Whoa! What happened to Marysol’s face? What did she do? Is that a new nose? Stop before you become your mom. I have no idea what they’re talking about because I’m freaked out by her face. I take it that her being “sick” was really just recovery time from the surgery. And those giant sunglasses being worn inside must be to hide the black eyes. I mean I’m not the only one that sees this, right? And yes, Marysol needs to defend herself…. OK, so I heard a little.
Let Me Gossip About How Much I Hate Women Who Gossip
Melissa’s What Happened: Joanna and Karent join Lisa so she can dish on the ladies gossiping behind Karent’s back. Um, kinda like you are now… kinda like what you said you never do? She doesn’t think they really consider Karent their friend. Thanks for the update, Captain Obvious. Karent doesn’t quite understand what the issue is for Adriana with the art exhibit. Have you not been paying attention? Say it with me, “You beat her to the tweet!” The ladies decide they need a code for when they catch the other ladies gossiping about them. Wait a minute, did Karent just paraphrase the Countess’s “Money Can’t Buy You Class”? Oh, I almost wanted them to break into the tune and send us out of the scene. Well, I’d just be happy with being sent out of the scene… and the season for that matter.
Rachel: Look at Lisa stirring the pot. And look at Karent totally missing the point. And look at Joanna turning the bitchy comments around and talking smack on Adriana. See, here’s the thing. If you are so against gossiping behind people’s back, then wouldn’t you not start a whole shit talking session on Adriana? I mean you’d like to think that would make sense even to genius over here. Wait, money can’t buy you class but it can buy you an ass? Did you just rip on yourself, Lisa? Who bought an ass?
Stay Out Of My Closets
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh, Ana is going to Winter Fest too. Wonder who she’ll take with her… Husband or Boyfriend. HA, she locks her closet door so her daughters can’t steal her clothes. Oh, I love that dress Ana! If I were your daughter, I’d totally steal that dress!!
Rachel: Another Housewife that locks her closet. Other than that, I have nothing to say about that scene. Snooze.
Trouble at 4am
Melissa’s What Happened: It’a the day of the big dance, but Joanna is more stressed about being woken up by a 4am text saying that Romain was making out with one of the girls at the club. Oh boy, I’m calling “not good”. Roll out the cray-cray. Joanna doesn’t know how she’s going to handle it if the story is true. Um, really? Romain, I want to scream at you through the television to stay away. Sadly, into the viper’s nest he strolls wanting to know what is wrong. Just remember I tried to warn you… Well I thought about it. Joanna doesn’t think he’s stupid enough to cheat on her, but still questions him and deep down it doesn’t make sense to her. Right, he’s not stupid enough to cheat on you because you’re oh so beautiful. We know. You don’t let us forget.
Rachel: Oh Marta must be leaping with joy at the thought that Romain might be cheating on her sister. I have no doubt she’ll have found a new apartment for the two of them by the end of the day… paid for by her sister, of course. Hmmm… I can’t decide if I believe Romain or not. Why didn’t he ask her which employee it was? I mean if my employee was getting in the middle of my relationship, I’d want to know so I could fire them. But like the say, behind every pretty girl is a man sick of hearing her shit.
You Better Work It, Girl
Melissa’s What Happened: Did you really just call the Winter Party “Gay Christmas”, Ana? This looks like a pretty damn good time. Too bad we have to deal with Lea’s banter and “wit”, not to mention that dumb scarf on her head. Wait, is Joanna really strolling down the street in a robe? That’s awesome. Now see if I tried that, someone would call the police on the crazy woman in a robe. Sweet Mary, Marta, you don’t need to be running off to tell the ladies about the cheating text. You’re just starting trouble, and quite frankly, just looking for a reason to cut off his balls. You are really loving this, aren’t you? How out of proportion are you going to blow this? Well, at least the ladies all get to speculate, while giving Romain the stink eye.
Rachel: Hey, Lea said someone should slap her. Don’t let her down. Slap her! Slap her so hard that stupid scarf flies off of her head. Oh look at Marta spreading the good news like she’s Paul Revere. Please Marta, you are not hoping Romain didn’t cheat. You hope he cheated so badly that it’s actually oozing from your pores. Quite frankly, it wouldn’t surprise me if you actually set him up. I love that Lisa thinks that being pretty is enough for your mate to not cheat on you. Maybe if she didn’t constantly bitch at him & force him to live with her obnoxious sister, the pretty would be enough. But it’s not. Pretty is a dime a dozen.
Rachel: Well, so we had some more drama this week and lines are being drawn. I detect a faint heartbeat but these ladies have a long way to go before they reach real Housewife status.