Rachel: Really? This week’s episode is called “The Girl Who Licks The Floor”? One can only assume it’s going to be Victoria. I gotta think she’s the only one loony enough to lick a floor. Maybe they showed that in the previews, but I don’t remember that at all. I do know that this is the week that Victoria gets called out for not eating, and while I’m sure it’s not done with the highest level of tact & class, I am glad someone is talking about it. That girl is scary skinny and admittedly not eating the “non-mama-country-cookin” food being made at the house. As an ex-ballet dancer, I am a bit hypersensitive to eating issues. I remember watching 4 girls split a Snickers bar and calling it lunch. Seriously. So, hopefully surrogate mama Tyra will step in and handle it. I’m sure she has a story about her own weight struggles that she will share to show how down to earth and in touch she is. Maybe we’ll hear about Paris at 15. Maybe we’ll hear about the evil “other model” – aka Naomi Campbell – that made her life hell. Or maybe we’ll hear the “kiss my ass” story again. Oh, it’s all so exciting.
We start back in the house with Laura, who is excited about her win because it is one step closer to her proving that she can be a successful model on her own and not live in the shadow of her parents. Now, I was as big of a Dynasty fan as you can be back in the day… and today (see our New Year’s pics on the TWB Facebook page if you want proof)… but I’m thinking the sun has set on daddy’s acting career making that shadow rather small. But I’m gonna let her have her dream. Meanwhile, Victoria is still reeling from being in the Bottom Two. She says she lost feeling in her feet at panel and almost passed out from the shallow breathing. Could be that you’re just hungry, dear.
As for the Tyra Suite, Laura decides to stay alone. Now, normally I’d make some comment about bitchiness and blah blah blah, but she gets a pass because her not sharing the win means no Suite time for Kristin. And that I approve of greatly. Alyssa is cool with that because she can earn it on her own. She’s getting her groove on and she’s going to be the curvy Brazilian that wins Top Model. I’m thinking that’s probably not going to happen, because if history dictates, the girl that does the most bragging is usually the girl that goes home.
Down in the kitchen, Kiara has taked on the role of House Mom and is cooking up some chili for the girls. She hopes this helps the girls respect her more. She’s not the ruthless the bitch they thought she was. She’s just a tough love kind of mom. If you say so. I mean I respect where it comes from, but you’re still kind of a hard ass. The girls are chowing down on the chili, but not Victoria. Here we go… She doesn’t eat red meat. And she’s not interested in the rice because without her mom, she can barely taste food. This makes my head spin. This is such a dysfunctional attachment she has to her mom. I mean she gives a whole new meaning to needing to cut the umbilical cord. Kiara is concerned about her. Even Kristin is concerned about her. And if Kristin is concerned, you’ve got to be a hot mess.
But concerns must be put aside because Bryanboy is in the house! No, literally he’s in the house. He has brought Marissa Montgomery, designer & host of Nylon TV, with him. They tell the girls that they are going on a road trip to Palm Springs to do “Random Acts of Modeling”. Apparently, this is when you do everyday things like grocery shopping or pumping gas, but in a “model-esque” way. This is something Tyra does all the time. Yeah, because she’s a banana that thinks the world is her runway. But this ought to be entertaining to say the least. Maybe I’ll watch football this weekend in a “model way”. Hmm…
Anyway, the girls will hop in some RVs and make 3 stops on their way to Palm Springs. At each stop, they will have to take photos of themselves doing RAOM. The winning model will host her own segment on Nylon TV. The girls are divided into two teams: Brittany, Alyssa & Kristin on Team One and Kiara, Nastasia & Victoria on Team Two. Since Laura is the House President this week, she gets to pick which team she wants to be on. Any shock that she picks Alyssa, Brittany & Kristin? Uh, no.
On the road, the teams prepare their strategy. Victoria says she’s going for the weird. Floor licking anyone? First stop is a Statue of Liberty replica. Kiara stands and sits on or around an eagle statue and poses. Uh, not exactly the concept Tyra is looking for. Victoria doesn’t get it right either. She also doesn’t remember to say “Nylon TV” during her video segment, which sends her into panic…. as usual. Meanwhile, Team 1 stops at an amusement park and Alyssa grasps the concept of RAOM posing while she buys tickets. Brittany, not so much. Kristin also manages to fail the test. But Laura gets her photo while eating some cotton candy and scores one photo of RAOM. The girls sort of start to get the concept as they go but not quite 100%. How hard is this to understand? Standing on a tractor, no. Eating food, yes. Victoria gets through a couple of carrots and some lettuce leaves. What she doesn’t get is Kiara’s video recorded. Whoops. Now she’s getting stink eye from Kiara and that is giving Victoria anxiety. OK, this girl is going to keel over from a coronary if she doesn’t learn to calm down. The girls keep referring to her as fragile. Fragile is a good word. She actually reminds me of a bambi right after they’re born and they can’t quite figure out how to stand on their own legs. Someone give her a Xanax shake and a large pizza please. The girls on Team 2 pull over and reshoot Kiara’s video. She does a bunch of takes, which further pisses of Victoria who only got to do one take. Yeah, stat on that shake. Team 1 has decided to stop at the Palm Springs windmills for their third stop, not realizing that hundreds of windmills churning might actually create… wind. They attempt to do RAOM even though there are no random acts to be captured. Good call. Stop number three is a total fail.
They all finally arrive in Palm Springs to find out which team pulled off the assignment. Bryanboy is waiting for them with Marvin Scott Jared, Editor-In-Chief of Nylon Magazine. Marvin tells them that a Nylon girl is a girl that is comfortable with herself and has her own personal style. He thinks everyone did a great job. Team 1 – Kristin did a great job and has a very Nylon look. Brittany looked like she was taking vacation photos. Alyssa has a great look but was too posed. He thinks Laura did a great job with her props and with achieving RAOM. On to Team 2 – Nastasia has an innate Nylon look but didn’t deliver what Tyra was looking for. Victoria’s tractor photo was great but her pictures weren’t RAOM. Kiara seems to have been the only one on the team that understood the assignment. Howver, the team win goes to Team 1 with Laura winning the overall challenge. Someone’s on fire and going to be sporting a big target on her back. Beware the model claws, Laura. They’re gonna be swinging in your direction. The social networking scores are handed out as well with Victoria & Brittany tying for last place with sixes. And Victoria’s stress-o-meter ticks up another inch. She’s angry & drained… and a broken record. She feels like she won’t be able to achieve this for her mom. Lady, achieve something for yourself.
The girls want to rest and shower, but Johnny shows up to tell them that they’re going straight to their photo shoot. The theme this week is that they’re girls coming home from a wild night out and being caught off guard. OK, is it wrong that I find the photographer, mustachioed Douglas Friedman, kinda hot? Probably, but I can live with that. He’s like a tattooed Village Person. OK, I’ve said too much. Moving on…. Brittany is up first and nails it. Laura gets to
hover over a motel toilet, but hasn’t quite got the hugging of the porcelain down. Come on, lady. We all know this isn’t your first time at the “hold my hair” rodeo. Victoria rolls in with her weekly story of what character she’ll be playing. Today she’s a girl who got drunk, lost her virginity and now has to take a pregnancy test. Um, okaaaay. Girl needs to step back from the edge. Douglas & Johnny are a bit weirded out, but she nails the shoot. Kristin gets to pour gallons of milk all over herself. Johnny thinks she was a trooper for doing it. She’s just pissed, natch. Kiara is modeling in a dumpster. Johnny asks her if she’s ever been in a dumpster. He asks rhetorically, but the answer is actually “yes”. She’s been homeless and had to resort to dumpster diving for clothing. Yikes. That’s intense and makes me sad for her. Sounds like she’s really had quite the rough life. Can you imagine if Victoria had to deal with her life? Oy. Kiara actually has a great shoot, finally. Nastasia shoots in the shower but hates that they’re telling her to scrunch because she needs to look tall. Alyssa shows up and gets the photographer’s name wrong. Slick. And it turns out she’s the one licking the floor today. Yep, soda off a dirty floor. Ack. Johnny thinks she’s a gorgeous girl but not a high fashion model. Well, I hope she at least makes it another week being that she was licking a dirty floor 3 feet from a roach. That deserves another week on the show.
After another stressful night for Victoria, the girls return home in time for the next panel. But first, Victoria has to have her weekly hysterical call home. Seriously, she is outer limits with this. And since clearly mom doesn’t have any interest in her daughter having her own life, she tells her she should come home. The girls are all confused and concerned about Victoria. Nastasia pulls her aside and asks her if she feels like she should go home. She tells Victoria that she needs to eat. Brittany jumps in and says she’s also concerned. They party grows and the girls are all telling her that she has to take better care of herself, let her mom go at some point and have her own life. You guys are going to give her a heart attack. Take it down a notch. Seriously, the gang attack isn’t going to work in this situation.
But it’s time for panel… Brittany is up first and the judges love her photo. Kiara gets good scores from the judges, but still isn’t making her mark on the fans. Laura doesn’t quite nail the dirty girl and this disappoints Tyra. She gets 6s and 7s. Kristin regained some of the ground she lost on social media and gets 8s from the judges. Nastasia finally looks tall and the judges are loving what she’s bringing. She gets 10s & a 9 from the judges. Alyssa committed to the shot but didn’t quite pull off the shot. Her social media scores dropped this week. Tyra says she needed to smize, but still gives her an 8. The other judges go 4 & 6. Ouch. The judges loves the photo Victoria shot, but Bryanboy just wonders when they’ll see some confidence in panel from her. She starts to say she wants to really bring it each week, which starts the heads wagging in the back. Tyra asks what’s going on and Kiara says they’re all worried about her. Tyra asks if she’s sick, and as Victoria tries to convince her she’s fine, the girls behind are shaking their heads like bobbleheads on a brick road. Tyra says she wants to believe Victoria, but needs to listen to the girls because health is of the utmost concern to her… You know, she’s written letters about it to every girl in the world. Damn! Letters! I forgot that one. And really, every girl in the world? That’s a lot of writing. And where the hell is my letter? She must have cramped up right before my name. Anywho, Tyra tells her that it’s up to Victoria to be well, but if she makes it through this week, she’ll be watching her.
Staying: Brittany, Kristin, Victoria, Kiara
Bottom Two: Laura & Alyssa – Wow, way to plummet, Laura. Reality check time for her, but Alyssa is going home. This upsets Tyra because she was the only “fiercely real” girl left in the competition. And as a black girl with a big butt, she knows that real girls have to try harder. Oh dear lord, Tyra, give us a break.
Bottom Line: Well, here’s hoping that Tyra takes some time off from her letter writing campaign to make sure Victoria doesn’t end up a cautionary tale. Seriously, that girl is not OK.