Real Housewives of New York Season 5, Finale – All’s Well That Doesn’t End Well

One Sentence Summary:  The women came into this season like lambs and go out like angry raging lions.

Remember at the beginning of the season when we said we’d all be friends!

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Well, it’s the last episode, kiddies.  My how time flies when we’re having drama.  I feel like it was just yesterday that we first met Heather, Carole, Aviva and Aviva’s neuroses.  But no, it’s been 18 weeks.  Eighteen very long weeks.  I gotta say that even though these women have driven up and down more walls this season than Mario Andretti, I’m kinda sad to see them go.  Honestly, I think it’s mostly because I find Aviva’s total and utter break from reality fascinating.  I mean if you had told me at the beginning of the season that I’d be taking Ramona’s side in a fight, I’d have told you that you were delusional.  I don’t think I’ve agreed with Ramona on anything other than wine being the nectar of the gods and Kelly being a total nutter in years.  So you know it’s gotta take a whole bunch of bananas to sway me.  And Aviva, yeah, she’s the whole banana tree.  And so is daddy.  Lord, I hope daddy and his capped teeth are not joining us again tonight.  I don’t think I have the patience…. or the stomach… or a strong enough drink.  Anyway, let’s join the ladies as they send us off with all the drama we’d expect from them.

Melissa:  Yeah, by the title we know we’re in for a doosey of a Housewife Finale.  I have to agree with my partner that it seems like this whole season was a blur of fighting and sanctimonious attitudes – and not just from your Winey Bitches.

Hey Baby, What You Doing With That Paddle?

Wait, I can’t play ping pong. I have a fear of paddles… and balls.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Here we are at Carole’s ping-pong tournament.  I’m still confused by the whole thing… and by the shirtless man in hot pink zebra shorts.  Is that allowed on network TV before 10pm?  Seriously though, did I sleep through the episode where this tournament was made known to us?  Probably… But that doesn’t help me understand why ping pong?  And why the neck scarves?   Oh no!  And why oh why oh why is Granpappy Perv still in town?  Why?  And just for the record, I think the all-black suit & shirt with a white tie is horrible looking.   Please men (as if any are reading this), stop it.  Any why are these women (Heather & Carole) defending him against Ramona?  So many questions.  So little answers.  Well, the only thing I know to this point is that Aviva is ready to throw down if Ramona shows up today after how she treated her father, an 80-year-old man.  Uh, that 80-year-old man is hardly feeble.  He rolled into that party like a steam train and was taking no prisoners.  But I would like to see an actual Ramona v Aviva smackdown.  That would be genius.  I have a very vivid picture of that in my head, but I’ll keep it to myself… for now.  But you know Ramona’s coming.  Her husband made the trophies.  She has to show up. LuAnn shows up first and defends George as well.  OK, maybe I’m the crazy one because I found his behavior indefensible.  But we all know that LuAnn takes any side that isn’t Ramona’s.

Ramona shows up with Mario & Avery and tries to keep her distance as to not start a scene.  Of course George, being the arrogant ass he is, saunters over to say an innocent hi to Mario.  I find everything he does to be 100% disingenuous.  You can hear the insincerity oozing from his lips.  Mario is cordial, at best.  His wife, ice.    She just wants Mario to keep serving her his balls. You can take that any way you like.

So, we finally get the background on the event.  This is to raise money for a documentary grant fund in honor of Carole’s late husband.  Well, this I like.  OK, I approve.  You may commence the pinging and the ponging.  Aviva and Heather play each other.  Heather wins.  Avery beats Mario.  In the Princess v Countess round, Princess trumps Countess, as usual.  It comes down to the final round and Heather is going up against Avery.  Oh, this ought to be good. Heather wins and takes the Mario trophy!  Aviva finds the whole thing to be torturous.  Well, of course, people were having fun and no one was focusing on you or your issues.  But that never stopped her from talking about them before and it certainly won’t stop her now.  This time, Heather’s husband is the recipient of her “How could I even be associated with Ramona Singer?” speech.  He says she’s just mad and that at the end of the day, it’s not a big deal. Apparently he doesn’t quite understand the magnitude of Aviva’s anger.  Clearly he hasn’t heard that Ramona threw her father out of a party with two bodyguards.  Bodyguards!  Pretty sure they were cater waiters who asked George to leave.  Jonathan, unwittingly trying to make peace with a rabid dog, reminds her that they both have things they probably should be sorry about.  Nope.  No.  Not even.  Aviva is right.  Ramona is wrong.  Get with the program, Jonathan.  Poor guy.  Has no idea how futile this is.  Heather walks into the conversation and says that Ramona is the same Ramona she’s always been.  It’s just that Aviva no longer has a tolerance for her.  Kinda like I no longer have a tolerance for Aviva… not that I ever actually did.  Heather is just tired of the conversation in general.  With you girl.  Holla!

Melissa:  Right, the bizarre ping-pong tournament WTF, who invited George?  I can’t believe Carole didn’t tell Aviva to leave Pervy-Pappy at home.  Way to go LuAnn, they’ll have to have a sit-down, they just tried that and it ended in a squacking match.  Why did George need to go to Mario and start?  Oh, it’s a fundraiser for documentary filmmakers.  That’s pretty cool.  HA, the princess vs. a Countess… Now that’s funny.  Oh, look Heather won!  Oy Ramona, let it go… There’s no long letter of apology coming to you.  ALSO, Aviva you need to let it go as well.  I think I can speak for the rest of the ladies with the both of you just need to let it go and agree to disagree.

Yummie Toaster Ovens

But I look so fabulous in both the photos….

Rachel’s What Happened:  Oh boy, Sonja is arriving at the Yummie offices to meet with Heather & crew about the Toaster Over campaign.  I really can’t believe how much drama is going into a toaster oven.  Seriously, is anyone out there remotely interested in this item?  Talk to me.  Granted, I like Sonja (for the most part) and would be happy to see her successful and out of her ex-husband’s grip.

It’s time to see the final packaging.  First, the set up they shot with the male model.  They did a full mock-up on a box with that picture.  The second set up, with just Sonja… yeah, that’s just a print-out.  Gotta tell you, before I even hear Sonja’s feedback, the photo of just her is way better.  Clearly, the team likes the male model photo.  Sonja actually agrees with them about the male model and a party erupts.  Hmm… Would not have gone that way.

Melissa:  Geez, we’re still working on this toaster oven box?  Here’s a question, thinking outside the box here, but why not put both images on the box – one on front, one the back.  If it’s this difficult a decision just use both?  OK, but looks like Sonja is happy with Heather’s idea… Shocking!  Wait, everything is relying on the toaster oven?  THAT is how she’s going to save her house?

It’s A Baby Shower For A Book

I think I’ll register for new friends.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Carole has finally finished her manuscript and turned it into the publisher  She compares it to giving birth without the pushing present at the end.  So, she’s going to give herself a “baby book shower” to celebrate.  She feels like after all the strollers and onesies she’s purchased over the years, it’s her turn to be celebrated for giving birth to something.  Girl, I am feeling you there.  I have spent the better part of a down payment on a home on weddings and baby showers.  And yes, I love every one of my friends and their children… but I’d also love a home.  Just sayin…  It’s hard out her for a single girl.  {{{Insert self-pitying music}}}

Melissa:  HA, she’s going to give herself a baby book shower!  Good on you girl.

Models Should Be Seen & Not Heard

Really? You don’t think this outfit would work with tights?

Rachel’s What Happened:   Heather is preparing for her charity fashion show when Aviva shows up to get fitted for her runway debut.  But before they can get down to the clothes, Heather lets Aviva know that she just missed Sonja.  Unfortunately, Aviva’s licking of the lips in anticipation of more scraps of meat on which to feast is short-lived as Heather tells her how appreciative Sonja was and how she feels she’s really been humbled. Damn, she was so close to being able to launch into another self-righteous diatribe.

So let’s talk clothes… Heather says having the position of opening or closing the show is an honor position and she would like Aviva to close the show.  Aviva thinks that’s great but she’s not so excited about showing her leg… and everything on that rack is “leggy”.  Heather thinks that it’s the “flaw” she’s so worried about that makes her beautiful.  Pretty sure all this time Aviva thought it was her face.  I ain’t saying a word… Let’s move on.  Heather thinks it’s a strong message of beauty to have her leg exposed.  Aviva needs to think about it.  Yeah, in case you weren’t paying attention Heather, strength isn’t her strong point.  Aviva would like to wear tights.  Heather’s not down with that.  She does get Aviva to try on a couple outfits and she actually feels pretty good.  So much so that she agrees to do the show… no tights.  Well, color me impressed, Aviva.  I have to give you credit for that decision.  It’s a brave thing to do.

Melissa:  I’m loving Heathers blouse too.  Of course that now annoys me that I am in agreement with Aviva on something right now.  These are some pretty nice pieces of Heather’s.  I might have to look at some of this stuff.  Oh, now here’s the thing.  Heather sweetie, you called it a “flaw”.  I don’t want to play devil’s advocate here, but you know that’s somehow going to bite you.  Oh hush it Aviva, just walk the damn runway, it’s a show about lingerie and you want to cover it up.

Wait, Whose Event Is This?

If you look at Aviva through the glass of wine, she almost looks sane.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Dear lord, we’re not even halfway through the show?  How is that possible?  I’m sure I’ve been watching for 3 hours now.  Anywho, it’s time for the dress rehearsal for Heather’s fashion show.  Aviva is practicing her walk and preparing to throw her jacket at Ramona.  Wait, no.  Now she doesn’t want to wear the jacket because then her arms will be covered making her leg more obvious.  See, I was just giving you credit for being fearless and you go and do this.  Heather says emphatically “no”.  She also tells her that, no, she can’t be the only model with her hair down.  Regretting your decision yet, Heather?  Did you not know that it is impossible for Aviva to not be mad drama?  Well, now you do.

Showtime is upon us and the ladies are doing the red carpet while Aviva continues to kvetch backstage.  This time it’s about how many people are coming to the show.  Never mind all the cameras that have been taping her for the last 6 months.  Carole heads backstage to calm Aviva’s nerves and tell her she looks great.  Aviva just wants to know if Ramona & Sonja are there.  Sweet Fancy Moses woman, obsess much!?!?

And speak of the devils, in walk the sparkle twins with Sonja sporting her “Solid Gold” headband yet again.  Did none of your 17 interns see you leave the house tonight?  The fur was probably not a great idea either.  Ramona is happy that Aviva is walking in the fashion show because that means she won’t have to interact with her.  Yeah, since she won’t be allowed to mingle during the party after.  You have a 15 minute reprieve, Ramona, and then the model is let loose.  Good luck and Godspeed.

Time for the fashion show… Oh how cool!  The music is being playing live by Miri Ben-Ami, the Hip Hop Violinist.  She’s amazing.  If you’ve never heard her music, it’s worth a listen.  The show starts and I’d like to say Miri sounds amazing but all I can hear is Ramona in the audience squawking to the photographer of Sonja’s Toaster Oven shoot about all the things “they” will need for her business.  Now?  You have to have this conversation now?  Oh right, forget Heather.  Forget her charity.  Must diminish Aviva’s moment for your own childish satisfaction.

And speaking of rude and disrespectful, Aviva hits the runway without the jacket after she was told no less than a dozen times to wear it. That’s so not cool.  My God, these women are so self-centered.  Thankfully, Heather is a bigger person than I would be and chooses to focus on the charity and not on Aviva’s drama.  Of course, we all know she won’t be that charitable when Ramona comes at her with her interrogation over the Sonja photos.  Guess she’s tired of being mad at Aviva and has placed Heather back in the crosshairs.  Ay yi yi…

I can’t take anything you say seriously with that headband, Sonja.

And here we go.  Heather comes over to Ramonja unaware that they are knee-deep in bashing her.  That lasts about a nanosecond as they both start in about the photos immediately.  Heather asks them if this is really what they’re bringing to her event right now.  See, this would be the time where you STFU Ramona and congratulate Heather.  But no, instead we get the infamous “smirk and shake of the head” that she loves to do when dismissing someone else’s point of view or feelings.  Sonja gets it and apologizes-ish.  Ramona, on the other hand, says she raised her money and the event’s over so they should be able to talk about whatever they want.  Then why are you still there drinking her wine?  But Heather’s going to break it down for them… Sonja can get her ungrateful ass out of her event and take Ramona with her.  Sonja tries to defend herself instead of just shutting her trap and being, well, grateful for the help.  Heather’s done hearing it and walks away.  Probably for the best, dear. I’m pretty sure that headband is squeezing what little brain function is left in her head making a rational conversation with her impossible.  Dammit Sonja, you were doing so well.

Melissa:  I can’t wait to see this event.  The way I look at it, I get so finally see some of her yummie tummies line but also it’s a good cause.  Sweet Mary Aviva could you be more of a diva?  You aren’t Naomi Campbell for Pete’s sake!!  If the woman says to wear the jacket just ask if you’re supposed to smile or not.  Side Bar:  what’s with the headband Sonja?  You need to stop that disaster of a look.  I love Heather addressing her models, that was awesome.  I’m really coming around to Heather.  It’s really just that “holla” thing of hers, but I’m really willing to overlook it.  Woman, you’re really growing on me.  Of course Sonja and Ramona can’t just let something be about someone other than them.  Not really the time or place.  Shut The Front Door Aviva is not going to wear the jacket?  Are you for real woman?  That’s so disrespectful!  It’s not your line, it’s Heather’s.

Ugh, really Sonja and Ramona still jabbering on about the photos.  Good on you for not putting up with this silly behavior.  Hey, is Heather’s husband the Housewives whisperer?  He just quietly rolls up on the crazy and manages to listen without mockery.  It’s like magic.

What’s A Few Years Between Friends?

Rachel’s What Happened:   Carole & Aviva are having tea and more conversation about Ramona throwing poor old decrepit Granpappy Perv out of her party.  Doesn’t it ever get old, Aviva?  I mean it’s old and tired over here and I only get the parts that are edited in.  Carole, meanwhile, lets Aviva know that her dad lies about his age.  Is this supposed to be shocking news?  Nothing about that man is real… His tan, his teeth, his 24-year-old fashion model girlfriend… Why would he be truthful about his age?  And yet, this behavior is acceptable by Aviva.  Oh, if only the hypocrisy gods would shoot bolts of lightning from the skies.

Melissa:  We’re still yammering about George being thrown out of the party?

It’s Carole’s Party & We’ll Ruin It If We Want To

Are you hearing the words coming out of your mouth?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for Carole’s book shower gala.  How lucky is she to be buddy buddy with Naeem Khan?  That dress is awesome.  I kinda can’t blame LuAnn for trying to horn in on that action… as tacky as it was.  But it’s time to party so let’s have a toast before Ramona & Sonja show up & ruin the good time!  Too late, here comes Ramona screaming the whole way in as usual.  Yeah, my moment of good will toward Ramona is gone.  Way gone.  Not that I’m going over to Team Aviva either.  I’m just going Team Brunettes.  That’s right, I am forsaking the blondes in favor of the brunettes.  That’s how it’s going down over here.

Ramona ends up standing next to Heather and tells her that it was a great event last night.  Heather manages to eke out a “thank you”, but is so clearly doing everything in her power not to throttle Ramona.  Oh give in to it, Heather.  Go for it.  No one will blame you.  Nudge nudge.  It worked!  There she goes… Heather lays into Ramona for yammering through her entire fashion show and attacking her photographer.  Ramona blames Sonja for not handling her issues on her own.  Heather wonders why Sonja had none of these issues earlier when they met as a group.  Ramona again blames Sonja whom she says plays both sides against the middle.  And then… wait for it… wait for it… Ramona apologizes.  That’s right.  She straight-up apologizes and asks Heather to please forgive her.  I think Heather might pass out.  Just accept it and move on.  Please please please.  She does not, but thankfully Heather’s husband comes up and begins to diffuse the situation.

Well, that is until Mario then decides to poke the bear and bring up Aviva.  For real, Mario?  Please play with your wind-up toy in your own home.  Too late, this sends Ramona into a whole new tirade about Aviva being possessed.  Heather says she likes Aviva and doesn’t think she’s possessed.  Ramona very loudly disagrees and guess who overhears… Yep, you guessed it.  Aviva, who storms over to let Ramona know that, if she has something to say, she should say it to her face.  And then of course lays into her for throwing her father out of her party.  Ramona says he attacked her – slight exaggeration – and walks away from the situation.  Aviva lets her know that she’s a wimp.  Boy you really hit hard there Aviva.  A wimp?  What’s next?  Doo doo head?  Watch some RHONJ and take a few lessons on hurtling insults. Next, Aviva rolls up to Mario to tell him shame on his wife.  Wait, wasn’t Aviva the one yelling at Heather about talking smack about a woman to their husband nary a month ago?  Ah yes, do as I say not as I do.

Meanwhile, over at the bar, Heather is deep breathing to try and calm herself when Sonja strolls in and grabs her ass.  Oh that’s not just a love tap, that’s a new business idea:  Tiny Hiney to go with Yummie Tummie.  Heather is not amused and can’t believe Sonja wouldn’t realize she’s mad at her.  This is a women who, on a regular basis, forgets underwear, Heather.  You can’t really expect her to remember you’re pissed.  But as long as the party is going well and everyone’s happy, it’s all good by Sonja.  Well, news flash, it’s not going well and Sonja is shocked.  Have you not been to a party with these women before?  Oh right, memory issues.

Are you sure you’re not possessed?

Aviva continues her attack on Mario who tries to defend his wife and not laugh that Aviva couldn’t make it to the party because it was on the 90th floor.  And please Aviva, stop pretending that you sent your father for some pure and charitable reason.  You did not.  You know it.  Ramona knows it.  We all know it.  But Ramona is done with this situation and tells Mario to walk away.  This only puts Aviva further into attack mode and she tells Ramona that she’s petrified of her.  And then accuses Ramona of being a drama queen.  First of all, Aviva should never accuse anyone of being scared of anything seeing as how she’s scared of a stiff wind.  Second of all, to call Ramona a drama queen while you rant and rave in the middle of a party about a subject that has been beaten beyond recognition may actually be the epitome of drama queendom.

And because one argument isn’t enough, Heather would like Sonja to know that she upset her photographer last night.  Sonja blames Ramona for being the one that was on the hunt.  Ah nothing says BFFs like throwing each other under the bus at the drop of a hat.  But Heather wants to know why even bring it up at the fashion show at all?  And here it is… Sonja is “entitled” to more pictures.  Yeah, I’m thinking you’re not entitled to anything other than what you got being that the whole thing was a favor.  Heather explains this exact concept to Sonja.

And then we’re back to Aviva & Ramona going at it.  Aviva is still pretending she was being selfless by sending her father to the party with checks.  USE THE MAIL!  Ramona is still saying he attacked her.  And we’re all just wishing they’d both shut up already.  No one cares.

Well, Carole cares because this is her party and she’s done with the nonsense.  First up, trying to calm Ramona & Aviva.  Aviva asks Carole to tell Mario that it was wrong to throw her father out.  Carole says it was.  Come on, Carole, really?  How about stay out of it and tell them to take it outside.  You really need to stoop to their level and take sides?  Well, this just sends Ramona over the edge and she responds by grabbing Carole the way George grabbed her.  Not good.  Aviva suggests kicking her out & telling her she’s not welcome.  Didn’t realize this was your party, Aviva.  Carole tells Ramona that everyone needs to calm down.  But Aviva is up in the drama again now bringing LuAnn into the fold so that everyone can tell Ramona that George didn’t hurt her.  What grade are you women in???  How does no one understand the art of walking away?  Someone shoot Aviva with a tranquilizer gun please.  She is beyond out of control.  I haven’t seen this much righteous indignation from someone for no good reason in my entire life.  But there shall be no resolving of this nonsense tonight as we are at the end of our time together… But before I sign off, the updates:

  • Ramona is still convinced Aviva is possessed and has vowed to keep her distance as she continues to build her wine empire.
  • Sonja is still awaiting a settlement from her ex and toaster over for her box… ha ha… I said box.
  • Heather continues to focus on her business and building up her immunity to the rampant narcissism disease.
  • LuAnn is letting fate decide if she & Jacques are to have a baby and is steering clear of IVF and pirates.
  • Aviva is taking baby steps toward overcoming her phobias (bullshit) and is nowhere closer to getting an apology from Ramona.
  • Carole is working on turning her novel into a TV show and Russ has succeeded in making her his girlfriend… officially.

Melissa:  I’m so happy for Carole’s book and even more so for throwing herself a party.  I love it!  You know what else I love… That awesome awkward silence with Ramona and Heather.  Wait, hold on just a minute.  Ramona just apologized?  Oh, wait… It’s the Housewife whisperer, let this run on a bit sweetie, it’s the finale after all.  Oh my still with the throwing George out of the party Aviva?  Let it go, I need to get back to my girl Heather and Sonja over Sonja not getting enough pictures.  What I love is that these ladies all have forgotten why they are there… FOR CAROLE!!  Poor LuAnn couldn’t get gone fast enough to get out of this situation.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Remember earlier when I said I was sad to see these ladies go… Scratch that.  I’m all good with it.  All good.

Melissa:  Man I’m glad these ladies didn’t think to take it down a notch for the finale.  My head hurts and I don’t think it had anything to do with alcohol.  Sheesh!  On a happier note, I think I need to read Carole’s book.



4 responses to “Real Housewives of New York Season 5, Finale – All’s Well That Doesn’t End Well

  1. Loved your recap. Pretty much right on.

  2. READY. and pulling for Ramona and Sonja.

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