One Sentence Summary: Clearly absence doesn’t make the heart grow fonder in New Jersey.
Rachel: So here we go. There have been so many sneak peaks and previews of this reunion that I feel like I’ve already seen the whole thing. Or as much as I need to see. Really, the only thing I wish for tonight is that Kim D gets her weave yanked out of her head. It’s a small request, no? Manageable enough that I think it should be granted to me as a gift. No, it’s not my birthday, but I think we all deserve a little something for putting up with Teresa all season. Well, Teresa and the Joes… Yes, both of them. Alright. Enough yammering. Let’s get this over with.
Melissa: Yes, it’s reunion time for the NJ Housewives! Truth be told, I was really about done with the ladies in Napa, but I can’t wait to see the craziness that will be this reunion. I’m coming off of my wonderful Revenge season premier high and nothing can bring me down. Plus, I’m really hoping for a complete coup against Teresa and all her behavior this year. So let’s pour ourselves a glass of our favorite and watch the cray-cray spiral out of control. I don’t get though how it’s been a year since they faced each other. Didn’t they have to film a season? I’m thinking the last reunion was filmed after this season’s Posche Fashion Show… Surely Bravo wouldn’t cut loose their bread and butter. How is it the ladies haven’t seen each other in a year?
Down Time Work
Melissa: Um, Kathy really with the nose job? OK, I’ll let it go. You do what you want to make yourself feel better about yourself, but maybe let the lips deflate a bit.
Rachel: Wow, Kathy… The nose is good. The lips… the lips are baaaaad. Thank you Andy for giving her the yellow “warning” light.
Cut To The Chase
Melissa’s What Happened: Let’s cut to the chase, Teresa doesn’t miss Jacqueline and she’s in a better place now. I have to say I love the looks from Teresa already in the first 4 minutes of the show. OK, I might as well put this out there right now. Teresa is just so annoying to me I find it hard to watch my NJ peeps because of her. For real, like dread Sunday nights thinking I’ll have to listen to the delusional banter for an hour. I also have to wonder what they did to convince Melissa and Kathy to sit on the same sofa and not try to choke her. Jacqueline starts to explain to Andy why she missed out on the reunion, and Teresa takes the opportunity to attack and claim that Jacqueline tried to ruin her family. Unfortunately for her cause, Melissa is right there with a ‘don’t say that, it’s not true’ comment. Yes, here we go, Teresa is claiming Jacqueline set her up the entire season. Ugh Teresa. OK, I’m going to try to my best to follow along here, because I can’t keep track of Tilt-A-Whirl-Teresa and her insanity, but apparently she hasn’t talked to anyone (a collective sigh breathed by them all I’m sure) but Melissa who she invited to a birthday party. I guess there was a fight because Melissa said she was going to the party in a magazine but not to Teresa and I’m already confused. Teresa tries to claim she never said anything about what she did in the past. Poor Andy needs to butt in and rein in Jacqueline who, since not getting her say for the past year, needs to unleash her anger on Teresa.
Rachel: I still don’t quite understand why Jacqueline was having a breakdown. It’s not like her family was affected. Their friendship was already rocky. I mean that’s a little dramatic, no? And laughable… but not quite as laughable as Teresa saying Jacqueline set up Strippergate to frame her.
Could they be more childish? Who cares if Melissa RSVP’d or didn’t. And I’m about to ball-gag Jacqueline. Seriously, you don’t need to comment on everything. All the under-the-breath comments are making me feel like I’m watching a foreign film with all the subtitles. By the way, Jacqueline & Teresa look like Christmas ornaments next to Andy.
Melissa’s What Happened: Hey, it’s the Ashlee montage. I keep forgetting she’s on the show this season. Apparently she has a paying job now and it’s brought her & Jacqueline to a good place. Holy shocking moment. Jacqueline is also asked to discuss Chris’s company’s bankruptcy charges and her addiction to tweeting. Barely a word is out of her mouth before Teresa takes over again and I’m completely distracted. Sweet Mary, I think I need to hit the scotch. OK, let’s refocus on Nicholas who has been diagnosed with Autism. Now, I need to stop my snark for a second and say how wonderfully I think Jacqueline has faced his autism and using her Housewives platform to raise awareness. Now THAT I like to see. But it’s so horribly sad that Nicholas no longer says “I love you” to Jacqueline. As a mom, I can’t imagine. STFU Teresa with your “he says it and now he can’t say it right?”… Really woman, you are horrid trying to steal the spotlight on something so serious. You really are evil.
Rachel: We’re 15 minutes in and Andy looks like he’s about to go postal on these bitches. Not bringing a cocktail along was a tragic error, Andy. Tragic. And why is anyone shocked that Ashlee almost blew up Hollywood? She’s as dumb as a box of hair. Jacqueline does need a Twitter intervention. I wonder how she gets anything done during the day b/c she’s constantly tweeting. OK, the Nicholas montage is really sad. Coming from a family that has a member with Autism, I know how hard this must be on Jacqueline. And is Teresa really making this moment about her? What an asshole. Seriously. I’d really love to pull a Toby Keith and stick a boot up her ass right now.
Fracture of a Friendship
Melissa’s What Happened: Oh it’s the “freaking jealousy” comment again. I really have ZERO patience with Teresa. What’s up with making Andy feel your heart? He doesn’t want to, and I’m thinking he’s hoping your spray tan doesn’t leave a mark on his hand. Jacqueline tells Andy she heard Teresa say, through an open window (to Melissa), that she hated Jacqueline moments after the infamous hug and make up in Napa. Man, this woman is a serious piece of work. Teresa’s rebuttal: “Where’s the tape? Prove it.” Jacqueline continues to call out Teresa on all the BS that she’s said about her family. Finally the infamous “You’re a liar. You’re sick and you’re gong to hell” comment! I’ve been looking forward to that since I saw the preview. Man. I’m seriously having problems tracking all of this. No Andy, I don’t think they’ll get back to their happy place. Have you not heard them the past 5 minutes?
Rachel: Anyone else feel like Andy is gritting his teeth through every faux sentiment he’s forced to read… like this being a “sad” end to a friendship? I really wish Jacqueline would have called Teresa out on-camera for this shit talking she overheard in the RVs. Now that would have been some good TV. Ok, now we’re doing insults back & forth about each others clothes? Grow up, ladies! Personally, I think Teresa likes people to feel her beating heart because it’s the only action she’s getting since we know her hubby isn’t feeling much of anything.
Own Your Bitch
Melissa’s What Happened: Why must they drag Caroline’s menopause, Lauren’s weight and anger at her brothers back out for the world? Man, someone called Caroline a bitter ginger? Day-um!! She admits she didn’t like what she saw in season 4, but she’s not menopausal. She’s just going to own her bitch and move on. Oh, Lauren is here!! HA, anyone else see the daggers from Teresa that someone has the spotlight and she can’t think of a single way to get it back? Oh, never fear kids… She’ll find a way. The night of the argument in Napa was the night Lauren decided it was time for the lap-band. Oh look, Teresa gets a say again. She’s asked about Caroline’s parenting (why?) and is momentarily complimentary. Until… She says that before blk, the kids didn’t have jobs. False and unnecessary. Then she goes for the jugular and tells Caroline that she needs to get some Botox since they’re on TV now. Oh yeah, my girl Lauren just called Teresa a full on dickhead. I don’t know if I want to high-five her or hug her for that. OOH NO SHE D-IN’T just challenge Teresa to prove that she writes her own blog by asking what napalm means and challenging her to spell it. That shit is brilliant. BRILLIANT! Wait girl, you lost me with naqutalm. I’m assuming she’s trying to throw off Teresa for the next time she tries to spell it. Needles to say, wonderful to see you my dear Lauren. You’re looking fabulous. Then again, I thought you were fabulous before. But hey, if it makes you happy, I’m all for it.
Rachel: How can you not love Caroline? She’s fully owning her being a bitch this season. See, Teresa, that’s how you own your shit. Holy crap! Lauren looks amazing! I’m not going to lie, I hate the whole lap band thing, but there’s no denying she looks great. I’m also glad to hear her owning her bad attitude. She was hard to watch this season. Why are we even asking Teresa about Caroline’s parenting? Oh right, to stir up more shit. Sorry, I forgot. Wow, see when you start calling out people’s looks, you have just stooped to a level so low that you’re not worth even responding to. Teresa is officially a bitter old cow. Tell her off, Lauren, but don’t go after her kids. That’s not cool. Look, we all think the same things you’re saying, but it’s actually sad that her kids are in the middle of all this. Uh, I was loving the whole Napalm thing, but what the hell did Lauren just spell?
Melissa’s What Happened: So Teresa did a story with InTouch where she apologized to everyone. As if a magazine apology is sincere. HA, point to Melissa with “I’m sick of talking to your weave. Can you turn around?” Girl, you must have been sharpening your talons in the past year. Then, just in case we all forgot that Melissa copies everything Teresa does, she calls Melissa out for wearing the eye shadow Teresa wore last season. Oh, now Caroline wants to be Teresa too – I’m really not sure how that came about. I have to be honest here, friends. I keep finding myself watching this, wide-eyed trying to follow along, realizing 5 minutes have passed and I can’t figure out what just happened. So, I rewind my DVR only to be caught in the same wide-eyed confusion the second, and yes, the third time.
Rachel: And here we go again with going at each other about their weaves and their glitter eyeshadow. I feel like I’m watching Mean Girls 3: When Housewives Attack. This is pure nonsense and I’m getting physically embarrassed for myself for watching. Teresa seriously has the ego the size of Trump Tower… or just Trump himself.
Kathy Gets a Say
Melissa’s What Happened: Finally, Kathy gets a few words in. NO, oh, I can’t believe they had to show Rich’s fish comment again. No, sorry, Kathy… We get turned again back to Teresa and how much better her Joe is than Kathy’s husband, Rich. Really Bravo, can you please stop letting Teresa run rampant across this show? Kathy’s dessert line should be coming out soon, and good on her, I have to say. Glad to see sister is doing it for herself. Whoa, Teresa just called Kathy a piece of shit for showing up at her book signing? OK, again I’m sorry. That just went all sorts of out of control. And what’s with Teresa running over to Caroline and Jacqueline’s side of the sofa while she continues to argue with Kathy over I’m not sure what because the decibels have became too loud and my brain can’t process. Right, OK, Kathy called Teresa’s mother a liar. I swear, I had to wait for the commercial break to process it all. Caroline actually tries to help Teresa by asking her how the comment made her feel as a way to show her how her comments make others fee. Nice try but Teresa isn’t listening to Caroline. Nope she’s too busy retaliating for Kathy’s comment about her parents by smack talking Kathy’s father. Oh snap, Rosie is backstage getting all sorts of pissed off because Teresa claims her own father was there more than Kathy’s. She’s threatening to cut out Teresa’s tongue. Oh boy, it’s going to be a throwdown when Rosie hits the stage… Too bad we have to wait until next week for that, the boys and Kim D.
Rachel: Yeah, let me just say for the record, that no one wants to see, let alone participate in, a competition for the ladies between Joe Guidice and Rich Wakile. No one. Wait, I’m confused. Kathy just said she went to Teresa’s book signing to support her and that elicits a “you’re a piece of shit” from Teresa? WTF? I missed the insult there. OK, Kathy, enough with the parent insults though. That’s WAY below the belt. Did you get Botox in your brain? And you can’t be mad at Teresa for bringing up your parents if you just brought up hers. What is wrong with these women?
Rachel: That was just horrible. These women have lost all sense of decorum…. except Caroline. Always the pillar. This show is so jumping the shark as we speak.
Melissa: I don’t know about the rest of you, but for real I’m exhausted after that, and it was only part 1. I’m about ready to head for a corner and start rocking and mumbling to myself. Well, after I shoot back the remainder of my glass of Macallan in an attempt to sooth my jagged nerves.