One Sentence Summary: Misplaced craziness runs amok at Mynt.
Rachel: Oh boy, another riveting hour of the Miami Housewives. I hope they up the ante tonight, because they’re making me as tired as Elsa after a hard day of rice throwing. Yeah, I’m already bored with Ana and her not-so-ex’s relationship and Adriana still not wanting to get married a year and a half later. So, Joanna, the pressure’s on you, dear, to turn the knob to… well, I was going to say 11, but that’s just crazy. Eleven is reserved for season veterans like Ramona and Tamra. So, I’ll be realistic and just ask that she get it to a respectable 7. That seems fair, no? I think so.
Melissa: I have to say, they really seem like a chore to watch at this point. We’ve see much better adaptations of these “Housewives”… The model, the one who married well, the one who wants to be taken care of, the career gal. I’m hoping Bravo recognizes just because you live in a great city doesn’t guarantee you great Housewives. There’s a reason they only had a 6 episode season 1, and I’m finding it very hard personally to invest in these ladies.
Even the Pretty Ones Hear ‘No’
Melissa’s What Happened: It’s our favorite couple Romain and Joanna as she “wakes up” ready to play. Ugh, really do we need to pretend that she wakes up with full eye makeup? More like she’s been up for 2 hours and is now ready for the cameras to roll. Girlfriend wears less makeup in her confessional chats. Let’s tone it down shall we? I kind of like Romain, but I’m waiting for the douche factor to kick in. Granted he’s also dealing with his woman’s sister 24/7, to that gives him a bit more room to play than most. Upon kicking Joanna out of bed to answer some emails, Marta talks to Joanna about possibly moving in with Lisa. Here’s a question, what about just getting her own apartment and not letting other people take care of her?? Joanna doesn’t want her to go and thinks the reason Marta and Romain are butting heads is because he’s frustrated at work. No, I’m thinking he’s sick of taking care of your sister who can’t be bothered to try to get a job, and you my dear girl allow it to happen. Maybe moving out IS the answer.
Rachel: Who wakes up with that much make-up on their face? Well, that much make-up that isn’t smeared halfway down their face coupled with a raging hangover. I can’t say I don’t love a man that isn’t swayed by a pretty face. Look, I know the pretty face helps her get away with a lot, but not everything. And if you’re going through a rough patch with Romain, why don’t you let Marta move out? That might help you. Just saying
Ignore Them All
Melissa’s What Happened: Time to catch up with Karent and her Latin Soap star (I swear, why the hell does she have to tell us that every time?) Rodolfo who is exhausted from all his traveling. She shares her worries about Ana’s texts with Rodolfo but insists how secure she is. He tells her she needs to stand up for herself by walking away from any conversation they are having about him and his cheating on her. Yeah, you think… That way he doesn’t have to worry she’ll start putting 2 and 2 together.
Rachel: Rodolfo skeeves me out. And how happy is he that his girlfriend “won’t stoop” to the other ladies’ level and look at text messages. But just in case, make sure to tell her to just walk away from any conversation about him cheating. Wow, she’s going to spend a lot of time alone.
Melissa’s What Happened: WTF, is that a bow on her shoulder? In what universe is that a good look? At Adriana’s gallery in the design district she’s planning an opening with her partner but is hesitant about a lot of invites, because in the past she has dealt with people who just come for the drinks. Hey, I’m confused, isn’t that the idea, get a few drinks into folks so they forget the ridiculous amount of money they are spending? She’s thinking less “people” and focus on the collectors in the weakened economy.
Rachel: Can we talk about that bow on Adriana’s shoulder? Ridiculousness. And the hair is terrible too. I have no idea what anyone’s talking about because I can’t stop trying to figure out that… look. What the hell was she thinking?
Melissa’s What Happened: OK, really, who wears mules and brings a bag to their own pool? Oh, right… Lisa. How the hell did she make the cut for this show? Her housekeeper Daysy brings her a little vodka and redbull pick me up… You know because it’s hard for her to get out of be in the mornings with the rough life she has. Did she just equate “good things” happening to Daysy being her getting boobs? Um, really? Joanna calls to share her pride in Romain’s getting his citizenship and the 10th anniversary of his night club Mynt. HA, snub that Lea didn’t invite Lisa herself to her meeting in person. Hang on, you think your housekeeper isn’t working because she’s talking to you? Yeah, do you just invite her over to hang out then go home, or do you have her fix you a drink, talk to her for 10 minutes then remind her to put extra fabric softener in the sheets because they weren’t soft enough the last time?
Rachel: Oh, look! It’s Lisa hard at work on her lounge chair. I think women with those giant fake lips look so silly when they try and drink through straws. It’s up there with the eating off of forks without your lips touching so you don’t ruin your lipstick. See, plastic surgery ruins meals! Don’t do it! What kind of meeting is Leah having? And if you don’t like that she invited you via assistant, then don’t go. But you know Lisa is dying to be accepted by Mrs. Black so she’ll be there with bells on. Might be literally the way these women dress. Wait, you can get paid to be a friend? How did I miss this on the list of majors in college? Sign me up! Though i think I’d have a hard time playing nice nice with someone that brings pressed powder to the pool.
“Housekeeping” Done Right
Melissa’s What Happened: So we’re at Lea’s as she’s about to do Freda her Housekeeper’s hair. Here’s another one who thinks their people don’t really work, that they’re friends. OK, I’m loving Freda… Way to work it woman!! I wouldn’t mind being a housekeeper with my own staff. Hell, I might even clean once and a while. As Lea watches on RJ is working to teach Freda to swim. For real, this is a job I want!!
Rachel: Oh another paid buddy! Wait, this Freda has the life! Now, this is a job I can get down with. Seriously, that’s some crazy smart finagling.
A Day in The Life of Marysol
Melissa’s What Happened: At Eden Roc, Marysol meeds with Bill Kearey of Ocean Drive magazine to discuss the story he wants to write on her and what it’s like to run around with Marysol. She’s an anomaly and they think she’s worth exploring to understand how she works. Oh, it’s the Patton Group’s 10th anniversary as well. The crew meets up with David Siguaw of Eden Roc to discuss an event she is helping with.
Rachel: How come I never see these men when I’m in Miami? All I ever see are Jersey Shore wanna-bes. I gotta work on that.
Living The Dream
Melissa’s What Happened: Here’s another question. I get we’re set in Miami and it’s bikini abundant, but how many ass cheeks do I need to look at in any given episode? I mean, it almost makes me want to put my wine down and get off my ass to exercise. Well, maybe I will go for a walk… to the freezer to get a little ice cream. OK, I digress, Romain and JoAnna are off to get his citizenship and then celebrate the 10 year anniversary of his club. I love how excited he is about his citizenship. Yay Romain!! Well at least he’s doing it for the right reason… So he can speed and not get deported. OK, for real, I appreciate how proud his is to be American.
Rachel: Either Joanna is very attached to that orange top or they’re doing a bad job editing together the timeline or she likes one-armed orange tops a lot. I’m too tired to figure it out. Yes, without America, you would never have a Ferrari. The American dream! But I kinda like Romain. He’s got a bit of the Velveeta going on, but he seems like a hard-working solid dude. And he puts up with the Wonder Twins.
Melissa’s What Happened: At Lea’s house, the ladies begin to arrive for the Black’s Gala meeting. She wants them to volunteer to buy tables, offer auction items and anything else that brings in the money. As she’s trying to get they group buy in, her friend Elaine Lancaster arrives for her grand entrance and Joanna can’t help but think there’s a connection to Lea. Looks like Marysol wouldn’t let Elaine do the red carpet. Lea knows Marysol needs to make nice-nice with Elaine and not the other way around.
Rachel: Ah, it’s the volunteers meeting for Lea’s benefit. Her raison d’etre! Why is there a giant fountain in the middle of her house? I’m sorry. I must have missed the day when we learned that a giant stone fountain made sense in the middle of your family room. Oh! I love a drag queen. But the drag queen no love Marysol. Yeah, I think it’s pretty much PR 101 to know you always let the fabulousness that is a drag queen on the red carpet. And if all the photographers have gone home, whip out your smartphone. Just do it. Hell hath no fury like a drag queen scorned.
Melissa’s What Happened: Finally, little time with Ana and her daughter to discuss her argument with Mark. Apparently the BF doesn’t like that she’s not divorced. Anyone else confused why she doesn’t understand his point of view? I’m sure if she was the “other women” she’d feel differently. Hey now… Looking here, it’s the arrival of her ex. Holy dysfunction!! Wait, he’s telling you he’s ready for the divorce but you still insist you both aren’t ready. Man I don’t get these two.
Rachel: Gee, your boyfriend doesn’t like that you’re not divorced? I can’t imagine why? And I’m sure that fact that he’s hanging around your house and also your business partner just sweetens the deal. And look who walks in… the ex. Set some boundaries! Love don’t live here anymore. And who talks to their father like that? My dad would have stopped talking to me and walked out of the room by now.
Melissa’s What Happened: Right, it’s the Mynt pre-party at Lisa’s, because that makes sense. As Joanna talks about the club Daysy comes in only to have Lisa suggest she do a shot with the ladies. Man, you’d think if she were the BFF you claimed she was you’d be able to remember she’s been sober for a few years. Maybe. Marta is worried about seeing her ex (the DJ) at the party. Lisa tells us he cheated on Marta and then broke up with her to be with the other chippie. Yeah Lisa, that’s usually how it goes down. You’ll see when Lenny cheats on you in a few years. Marta shares her frustration with Romain and his attitude toward her. What’s not to understand Marta, I think I’ve said this already but I’ll repeat myself… He’s annoyed you live with him and Joanna! Marta is also upset Joanna doesn’t defend her to Romain. Yeah, I’m thinking this is the beginning of the issues later on. Karent and Adrianna arrive to get their drink on and I’m instantly appalled at Lisa’s choice of champagne and redbull. That is wrong on so many levels I can’t even find the right words. No, for real… none. Oh joy, Lenny makes an appearance. I’m not sure how that was a segue to Elsa but Joanna tells the ladies how sorry she feels for her. Always at the ready to defend Mama Elsa, Adrianna is quick to jump in defending that she’s a lady in her 70s. Yeah, you had better step off talking about my girl Elsa. Yes, she’s had some bad procedures – maybe even a dozen of them, but she’ll put the whammy on you in a heartbeat and laugh into her 7th glass of wine about it. Lisa still thinks she’s not looking too hot. Joanna confesses she thinks Elsa looks scary and it breaks her heart to see her like that.
Rachel: Boy, Joanna likes a one-shoulder dress. How many times does Lisa need to be reminded that her BFF is sober? Well, I guess that air swooshing around her head does confuse things. These girls are such drama. I’m exhausted and nothing’s even happened yet. Marta needs to be exorcised from this whole group. I didn’t sign up for her. Ha ha.. I gotta tell you that I’m so glad someone had the balls to call out Elsa’s horrible plastic surgery. I mean it’s frightening. Stop saying she looks great. She looks the opposite of great. I mean don’t say it to her face, but don’t pretend that she looks fabulous.
Melissa’s What Happened: It’s hugs and kisses all around for Romain and his club’s anniversary. OK, wait, Joanna was throwing tampons at a party? Yeah, I have to agree that ain’t cool. As Lea and Elaine arrive, Lea confesses she has no idea where to go or what to do because the clubs aren’t her thing. Lisa wants shot if she’s ever at a club at the age of 40. Oh girl, don’t give me an excuse to go looking for you in a few years. And I can’t believe I’m about to say this, but Lea is there because Joanna invited her to celebrate Romain’s club. It’s not like she’s hitting the scene every weekend. Damn it, and now you have me defending Lea?? Woman, you’re just asking for trouble! Look at Joanna the pot stirrer go, asking why Marysol wasn’t at the planning meeting for the Black’s Gala and why she wouldn’t let Elaine on the red carpet. Marysol thinks the stories are fabricated to ruin her reputation and thinks they need to talk to straighten things out. Yes, Joanna at least you admit you like to stir the pot. Point to you my dear. Marysol tries to remind Elaine that it wasn’t Lea’s Gala but another event that the denial happened and it’s nothing personal. OK, moving along. As Joanna dances with the girls, she sees Marta’s ex and it fuels her anger. Well, maybe it’s the booze fueling too. Meanwhile, Romain is getting the double team from Karent and Adriana that he needs to try a brunette – down Adriana! Just because you don’t want your man, doesn’t give you the right to someone else’s. OK, at some point Joanna went from angry – drunk to crying – drunk because she’s unleashing everything on poor Romain as the ladies look on in confusion. Yes, this is exactly the drama he wants at his party. Maybe put the drink down and let your sister take care of herself. Why does Joanna “hate him” more than Marta?
Rachel: Oh an electronic step & repeat. TWB needs to look into that… I don’t know for what, but I want. Wait, wait, wait, Lisa. First of all, Lea is older than 40 and I look cute in a club… kinda. Joanna, why you gotta stir the pot? Oh right, because you’re drunk and bored. Wait, Marysol owns the top PR firm in the country? I gotta call her out on that one. I also gotta say she didn’t do a very good job defending herself against Elaine. But Joanna is over that now that she spies her sister’s ex in the club. And here we go. Oh but first, let’s discuss Adriana all over Romain like ugly on a gorilla. Put the breasts away and save if for your actual fiance. This guy couldn’t be less interested and he’s not being subtle about it. Wait, give him a few minutes. His hysterically crying maniac of a girlfriend may help you in changing his mind. She’s cray cray. And I love the looks on the women’s faces. But I have to agree with Lisa, these sisters need a time out. Drop the baggage, Romain.
Rachel: Yeah, still not invested in these women. Sigh…
Melissa: Come on Bravo, maybe we need to let Miami go.