One Sentence Summary: Aviva & Ramona take it to the mat and it quickly becomes a family affair.
Rachel: Ugh, I can’t believe Granpappy Perv is back. Why? Why oh why oh why? Can’t his daughter handle her own shit. Oh right, she cannot. So, I guess daddy has to come along and defend her against the evil Ramona. I wonder if it’s that Aviva is too scared to do it or if the party is in a building that is too high causing her to have too much anxiety about the windows and the elevator. I’m going to go with the latter on that one. But why couldn’t she just send Reid to do her dirty work? Why must we be subjected to the walking talking example of why Viagra should be illegal? He really brings new meaning to the word “creepy”. In fact, creepy is insulted that it’s being associated with that man. Ack… Anyway, I guess there’s no sense in delaying the inevitable…
Melissa: Oh No, Aviva’s dad is back? This is not the time to be feeling sick and run down. That man is a nightmare. I’m sorry, I don’t like to speak ill of someone’s parent, but really that man is disgusting, and I have NO CLUE how he thinks any of that is acceptable behavior.
Have Any Eye of Horny Toad?
Rachel’s What Happened: Aw Lawd, couldn’t even give us a cushion before you sprang Granpappy Perv on us, could you? So, he’s got a 20-something fashion model flying in from Atlanta that he refers to as his girl? I would refer to her as a gold digger, but hey tomato-tomahto. Seems she looks like Aviva but she’s black. This ought to be good…. or a figment of his imagination. But I guess he’s not all that smitten since he’d like to “make overtures” to our dear Carole. Hey GP, you leave my girl Carole out of this. She’s in a different stratosphere of class than you, which you just proved yet again with the “incest is best” statement. SMH… How does one spend $450 in a vitamin shop? And please stop saying you’re Jewish out loud. Our people already have enough problems in this world without you helping us out. I’d say I wish someone would gag him, but he’d probably just enjoy that.
Melissa: George is back with his early 20’s girlfriend? Ugh, I don’t need to meet the fleeting ones either, nor do I need to know his “needs” for his downtown situation. Ew, he wants to do overtures to Carole? Dear Lord Carole, run… Run for the hills like zombies are chasing you!! Zombies with tans from South Florida. I’m so thrilled Aviva is laying down the cock-block. Daddy, that just ain’t right.
But You Promised
Rachel’s What Happened: Sonja returns home from her settlement meeting and it didn’t go well. OK, that’s an understatement. Apparently, it was a shit show that resulted in her sitting in a separate room from her ex and getting absolutely nothing settled. Wow, either she is demanding an exorbitant amount of money or this guy’s a royal dick. Or both… I do feel badly for her though. It’s got to suck to be not only financially left out in the cold, but emotionally as well. But I guess this is the kick in the ass she needs to finally realize that he’s gone. Really really gone. Well, the good news Sonja is that when you hit rock bottom, you have nowhere to go but up. Granted, the up is going to be in a new high-rise after you sell your home. But hey, things could be worse.
Oh boy, Ramona’s calling. Please be sympathetic. Please. Please. Please. OK, she’s definitely angry for her friend, as any good one would be. And I really can’t believe this guy is pissed enough at Sonja to screw over his daughter. That takes a special kind of cold-heartedness. Unfortunately Sonja, you may have had discussions with him about what would happen should it not work out back in the day. But that’s when you were actually in love. Clearly, he’s lost that lovin’ feeling and you didn’t get it on paper. So now it’s gone… gone… gone. Sorry… couldn’t help myself there. Well, she’s got the fires roaring again and it’s time to sue. Go girl.
Melissa: I would love to see all of Sonja’s house, just a little tour is all I ask. Looks like her meeting with the ex didn’t go as planned at all. Of course she thought he would take one look at her and decide how wrong he was and give Sonja everything she wants because he adores her. Listen Sonja, I don’t want to be mean, but it’s not like you’re the first person to ever go through a divorce and sometimes you have to give up the lifestyle you’ve grown accustomed to.
You Better Work
Rachel’s What Happened: Heather is hosting a charity fashion show as a way to give back for the lifesaving transplant that her son received. Awesome. Aviva & Luann have been enlisted to help as well. Heather wants Aviva to walk in the show. She doesn’t ask Luann, which you know is killing her but she pretends it’s all good. You know like Heather said… It’s the whole prosthetic/organ donation connection thing. Wait, what? How are those even on the same menu? I mean I get you’re replacing the original item with a new item, but I wouldn’t say they’re quite the same thing. I mean then couldn’t anyone with a boob job walk the runway? Hold on a second… is this the only Housewives cast with nary a single saline fun bag? How did I never realize that before? Well, maybe because I don’t spend much time thinking about their tatas, but still… That’s pretty impressive.
Anywho, they are trying to raise enough money for one organ transplant… $400k. Holy are you kidding me???? That’s bananas. They never talk about that on Grey’s Anatomy. Or do they? I don’t remember. But that’s crazy. Maybe I should slow down on the Meiomi pinot noir I’m sucking down over here and be a little nicer to my liver. Hey liver, we’re friends right? You know I only drink this much wine because it’s my job. No, for real. It is… OK, we’ll talk about this later. Where’s that tea kettle…
Melissa: I’ll admit, I’m a huge fan of anything that helps raise awareness for transplants and organ donation. I’m also a huge fan of that snub to LuAnn not asking her to walk in the show. That was just funny.
Meet The Pockers
Rachel’s What Happened: Man, I tell you, these ladies really teach me something new every week. I didn’t realize that when you reach a certain societal echelon that you get to use the Pockers – Framers to the Elite. Look, I get that you don’t take your original Picasso to Michael’s to get framed, but come on. This is a painting of your ex. But at least our dear Sonja seems to have gotten a huge dose of reality and is selling her house in France (which I’d happily accept as a gift from anyone feeling generous). If that’s not enough, she will sell the New York house as well. In the meantime, she is finally ready to take down the portrait of her ex that sits behind her bottles of booze. Anyone else find that hilariously symbolic?
And while I get that it’s hard to get rid of material things that link you to an ex … there may or may not be a toothbrush still hanging around my bathroom… she’s making this quite the production. Perhaps I should invite a girlfriend over and have a very dramatic and elaborate toothbrush tossing. Granted, we won’t be sharing in the loss of a life with “royalty”, but there will be wine. I give Luann big props for taking it all very seriously and being a good friend to Sonja, who is clearly just realizing that her marriage is really over. The band-aid has been ripped off.
It’s the Pockers! I love that the woman is like yeah, we’re just gonna take it down and wrap it up. I think you have to pay extra for pomp & circumstance. And down goes the portrait of Sonja too. Really, Luann? You’re going to tell her that her room looks empty now? Thankfully, Mrs. Pocker says it looks “fresh”. Yeah, let’s go with fresh.
Melissa: Wait, she has a house in France? Can one cry about poverty when there’s a house just sitting over in France? I don’t get why the portrait has been there this long to begin with. Come on Sonja, throw a few photos around of him “for your daughter” and be done with it. Now granted I’ve never gone through a divorce myself, but I really don’t get why she’s clinging to something that clearly he’s moved on from. I mean, maybe for a few months I’d accept it, but come on… how long has it been? Emotional support for taking a painting down? At least no one is laughing at the absurdity of it all. I agree, that room looks much better without those huge dark pieces.
My Tea Can Kick Your Tea’s Ass
Rachel’s What Happened: Here we go. Aviva v Ramona – Round 2. If you’re wondering why these two are meeting, it’s because it seems Ramona called Aviva’s ex to get some scoop on her. Oh Ramona, you really are not at all smooth are you? But you don’t care, do you?
So it seems this meeting of the minds is happening over breakfast where there is no alcohol happening to soften any of the sharp edges. I realize that alcohol isn’t really a help with these ladies, but I can only imagine the fine point on the claws this early in the day. But this is what Aviva wanted; a sober Ramona. Good luck.
If Aviva thought she had any chance of commandeering the conversation, the notion is quickly quashed as Ramona dives right into a speech about Aviva being a different person in St. Barths than the woman she knew in New York. She’s off and running in no time and letting Aviva know that she couldn’t have been traumatized by the trip because she wasn’t disheveled when she showed up. Ha, that’s hilarious. Did you really expect her to walk in looking like she tried to rip open the plane’s door mid-flight only to be wrestled back into her seat? Though that would have been genius.
But Ramona can only get so far before Aviva reminds her that it was her behavior that “disgusted” her and would like to be able to share her side of the story before Ramona says anything else. Ain’t gonna happen. And it doesn’t. The two just keep talking over each other about Aviva ruining the trip and Sonja & Ramona behaving like they were on Girls Gone Wild. Oh ladies, we’ve heard this all before.
Whoa! Let me put this on pause. Ramona just ripped off those sunglasses, and is it just me, or did someone get a little post-St Barths nip & tuck around the eyes? No seriously, that can’t just be what she looks like before the wine settles in, can it? Sorry, let’s continue…
Oh Aviva, stop with all the moral Judge Judy-ing. It doesn’t matter if they danced on tables and spooned each other naked in bed. It has no bearing on your life and it’s, quite frankly, none of your business. Though I do find it wildly hilarious that you even said those words out loud. Man, you have to be a real jackass for me to be full-on siding with Ramona. Anyone else think that Aviva looks a lot like an uptight librarian right about now? Why are they even having this conversation? And the comment about Mario not being able to be far enough away from Ramona was a low blow. In fact, I’m so over Aviva that, by the time she brings up Ramona’s call to Harry, I don’t even care. And neither does Ramona. Should have left St. Barths in St. Barths and just led with that.
But, we zip right past Ramona calling Harry and on to the state of Ramonja. So, the real reason you called this meeting, Aviva, was to preach some more about the moral shortcomings of Ramona & blame her for all of Sonja’s problems? Come on. None of this is your business, first of all. Second of all, did you really say “friends don’t let friends drive drunk” and try to play it off like it was some great metaphor for Ramona enabling Sonja? Third of all, STFU!!! Aviva’s been served way too many bowls of loudmouth soup. Someone please cut her off. And for once, I agree with Ramona walking away from a fight.
Melissa: Why is Aviva still wearing her coat for breakfast? Yes, it’s pretty, but isn’t she going to get hot? So Ramona went after some sneaky-sneak to get the dirty down on Aviva? Oh ho!! There we go with Aviva ruining the trip for everyone. OK Aviva, you need to take it down a notch right here and now. So what if Ramona and Sonja were spooning naked – what business is it of yours? I’ll agree the trip may have been a teeny bit over the top, but isn’t that what vacations are for? To let yourself relax and have fun? Hold the phone… I’m agreeing with Ramona?? Yes Aviva, you’re a little uptight (OK, a lot). Did she really just throw out the booze issue? Sweet Mary I got less of a lecturing from my Father getting caught coming home drunk when I was 17! What the hell was the friends don’t let friends drive drunk comment? You just confused the hell out of me with where the hell you thought you were going to take that diddy. Anyone else completely confused by this conversation? Man, could you imagine sitting at the next table? I would totally be eavesdropping the entire time – not to mention texting the other winey bitch of the goings on.
Rachel’s What Happened: Uh, there was a scene where Carole got ping pong trophies made for her by Mario. I have no idea why we just saw that, but I feel like I should tell you it happened. So there, I told you.
Melissa: Just as dumbfounded by that one.
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona is hosting a charity fashion show with the proceeds going to a domestic women’s abuse center. Carole & Heather show up, and while Heather finds immediate refuge in the ladies room, Carole hears from Ramona about the less-than-joyful reunion she had with Aviva on the island of Manhattan. Carole wonders if Aviva’s going to come to the event. Well, I think we all know that she’s not and instead is sending her father to do her dirty work. And we know he likes his work dirty.
And here we go… Thankfully, Luann and Sonja showed up just in time to witness the drama. Luann sees him first and nervously asks him what brings him to the “girls’ fashion show”. Emphasis on “girls”. Seems he was to escort Aviva there, but since she & Ramona are “scrapping” George came on his own to bring money to the charity. Yeah, there’s a thing called the mail. You came to finish your daughter’s fight… and, let’s be honest, be the only man in a room full of tail. Too bad no one warned him that these ladies do not appreciate uninvited penis… it changes the dynamic.
Granpappy Perv offers Ramona a check from Aviva, which she refuses until Aviva apologizes. Oh come on. The charity isn’t part of your fight. Take the money, thank George for coming and politely walk him to the elevator. Ramona does ask him to not get involved and thanks him for coming. Granted, it’s after she said his daughter said terrible things to her. He says she made fun of Aviva’s disorder, which is not kind. She says she did not. She makes fun of Reid, not the disorder. OK, I said that. But either way, it’s not George’s fight and it’s beyond inappropriate to be in the middle of that event defending his daughter. She’s not a child. But it doesn’t help that Ramona starts yammering to the closest person about what Aviva did to her. He’s not going to leave if you keep talking about his daughter. And did he really just grab her arm in the middle of a room of women there to raise money to fight domestic abuse? What a wanker. Go back to your Viagra and your inappropriate girlfriends; you know, the things your daughter finds amusing about you, but finds reprehensible about her friends? Hypocrisy much?
Thankfully, Sonja steps in and stands up for them both telling George that his daughter called them white trash. When he tries to start with her about doing wrong, she walks away. But he’s not done yet. Now, he’s with Carole telling her what went down. She thinks it’s time for him to leave. He thinks it’s time to ask her to dinner. This guy is disgusting. I think Aviva is taking her disgust for her father out on Ramonja. I believe that’s called projection in the psychology world. Another thing to add to her list of cray cray.
Granpappy is finally asked to leave by security (aka the cater waiter), but he won’t go. Dude, know when it’s time to surrender. Carole offers to walk him out, which is beyond my understanding. Heather & Luann go with them. Really, ladies? Just send him on his way. I don’t know why anyone feels badly for him? He’s not some hobbled old man that just wanted to drop off a check. He’s a dirty old man that wanted to fight his daughter’s fight, and quite frankly, get in front of Carole to try and score a piece of ass. I’m with Sonja on this one. He enables his daughter by treating her like the world revolves around her. As does her husband. No wonder she’s such a nightmare.
Melissa: Yes Carole, the whole thing was a hot mess and it still is. Ramona honey, we don’t need to know about your bowel movements OK? There really are certain things that you can keep to yourself. Wait, why is George there? If you’re not going to escort your daughter why would you still go? Let Aviva pop the checks in the mail and be done with it. ARE YOU KIDDING ME RAMONA?? Take the check, it is for charity. It is your responsibility as the hostess to raise as much money as you can, not let your petty issues get in the way. And you George for that matter don’t need to be fighting this fight and need to walk away. That was just silliness. JESUS GEORGE!! You are asking Carole for a date too? That is so unacceptable it’s beyond words, and now you’ve made me mad because I’m defending Ramona! Oh George, let it go. You need to step out of this and realize you are making yourself look royally bad.
Rachel: Oh Aviva, you really are just a giant bag of bananas. I gotta agree with Ramona tonight. It’s time to pull that stick out of your ass.
Melissa: I think the Mayans may be right because you know the end of the world is coming if I’m in Ramona’s corner for anything.