Real Housewives of New Jersey Finale: Strip Down Memory Lane

One Sentence Summary:  The Jersey ladies never go out with a whimper, do they?

Our Thoughts:

I can’t believe I let Kim D convince me this was a good idea.

Rachel:  The end is near!  And for once, that’s a great thing.  I can’t wait for this season to be behind us.  Sorry to all you Jersey fans out there, but this season has been a slow painful march toward this moment.  So forgive my joy in its arrival.  Seriously, there wasn’t one new storyline introduced this season.  More of the same.  More of the pain.  So now it’s time for the annual Posche Fashion Show and the required drama that ensues.  This year it’s Strippergate 2012.  Was Melissa a stripper?  I don’t know, but I also don’t really see how it matters at this point.  Besides, I looked up the strip club Lookers…. yes, I actually looked something up… and the girls wear bikinis.  There are no tatas on display on display.  So now, who really cares?  If you pour a drink or dance in a bikini in a gentlemen’s club, either way you’re selling your sexuality for tips.  So why are we even having this argument? To me, no nipples = no news.  Trademark that!  Anyway, let’s watch the nonsense.

Melissa:  Yes, it’s back to the Posche Fashion show where we’ll find out what’s been keeping us all up at night.  Was Melissa a stripper??  Oh dear me… Whatever will happen?  Really?  According to my partner’s awesome sleuthing skills she worked at a bikini bar.  OK, so we’re at a “no big deal” there.  Let’s be honest here, it’s almost taboo for a Housewife NOT to have been a stripper at some point.  I could really care less if she was or wasn’t.  Melis, I think I can speak for my fellow friends here, and say we collectively couldn’t care less.  There it is.  Now that we’re done with that, I’m less than enthused to wait through this entire “stripper outing” episode before I can watch SyFy’s Haven that I just spied on my list. Let’s get this show on the road so I can get to the other goodies on my DVR.

Posche

That dress wouldn’t even look good on a stripper.

Melissa’s What Happened: Let’s pick up right back where we left off with skeeve-ball Angelo talking to Melissa.  Teresa still looks on trying to catch Melissa slip up, while Kathy sees the sleaze for what it is and thinks he needs to move on.  Yes, and Teresa’s heart is beating 500 again.  Yeah, because Melissa didn’t get caught up in your trap.  HA!

As the clothes roll down the runway, Jacqueline notices Teresa isn’t enjoying herself.  Yeah, because she can’t believe Melissa didn’t give up the goods during her run-in with smarmy.  Melissa heads to the bathroom followed by Teresa to make sure there’s a proper stripper call-out.  “Who was that guy?”, oh come on Teresa.  There we go.  She worked as a bartender at a bikini bar for him.

Rachel:  My DVR didn’t record the first 5 minutes for some reason.  I guess it couldn’t handle what New Jersey considers fashion and decided to block it.  Too bad it couldn’t wait a few minutes more so I didn’t have to watch Kim D and her terrible weave scream about having f**ing fun.  Ah, this chick’s a class act from head to toe.

Oh Teresa, why pretend you didn’t know who Baldy was?  You’re obviously going to get busted on that and it’s just going to play against you.  Either keep your mouth all the way shut or let all the worms out of the can.  Middle roading it is just going to look bad… But that’s your thing isn’t it?  Just say it… There we go.  See, this should be the end of it.  He said shit.  Teresa knew it wasn’t true.  Melissa agrees it’s not true.  Everybody goes home.  Why are we making it a federal case?  And see, it is a bikini bar… though now I’m mad I even bothered looking it up.  But I’m starting to get the feeling that she wants Melissa to go ape shit and cause a scene so everyone will hear the words “Melissa” and “stripper” in the same sentence.  But again, no nipples = no news!

Mics in the House

Melissa’s What Happened:  Ah, and this is what I love about Bravo… The mics are EVERYWHERE!!

Angelo:  “Anyway, Melissa… used to dance for me.”
Girl:  “Shut the f*** up!”
Angelo:  “You know, like… Now Teresa knew about it too.  Yeah, so”
Angelo:  “Anyway, Johnny calls me up and says something like Kim and Teresa want to blow the whistle on her.  Because she plays the ‘holier than thou’.  They had me do this thing, ya know… ‘Melissa! Wow, I almost didn’t recognize you.’ ‘You look fabulous.’  

That’s right kids… Those Bravo peeps… They know how to mic a room!  The NFL sideline mics have nothing on these clever Bravo sound techs!

So while all this is going on, Jacqueline gets a text that there’s some business going down and not to leave.

Rachel:  Uh oh, no one told Baldy that the mic on his chest is always recording.  So Theresa was part of the scheme.  I’m not surprised.  Though I have to admit, part of me thinks that it’s really Bravo that’s behind this all.  I mean even though Teresa’s been a giant pain in the ass this season, there hasn’t been anything nearly as dramatic as the table flipping or extension pulling or baptism brawling like in days of yore.  So, let’s come up with a way to blow the roof off the joint before everyone in the audience falls asleep.  Seriously, that’s where my vote is going.  I mean they gave him a mic pack so all of what he said would be recorded.  And how would Jacqueline’s friends know what’s going down to be texting her unless there was a reason for them to know?  Shady doings people.  Shady doings.

Back to the Ambush

You owe me a new watch for putting up with this BS

Melissa’s What Happened:  So anyway, Teresa and Melissa are still in the ladies room where Teresa is still trying to get Melissa to give up the goods on her past.  That’s right Melissa, she didn’t really have your back or she would have told Guido to walk on.  Melissa, you smart girl, call Teresa’s bluff and call the hubby.  I like this side of you… I like it a lot!!

On the phone, Joe is ready to head to the bar to defend his wife’s honor. because if anyone is going to disrespect his lady, it’s going to be him.  Meanwhile, Jacqueline is getting the dirt on what’s about to go down.  Teresa tries to pretend to confront Kim about Angelo, but let’s just say she’s not going to be up for an Emmy for that performance.  Teresa tries to retreat back to the table and pretend she’s not a part of any of it.  Kathy points out that if it were truth Angelo would have stayed to defend himself.  Lauren takes a minute to say she has a bad feeling and thinks maybe she should leave.  Ya think Lauren?  We’re all smelling another Posche fiasco.

Rachel:  Point to Melissa – Yes, Teresa should have told Baldy to beat it the second he walked up.  But I really don’t get why Melissa wants to call her husband to come and deal with it if she doesn’t care what the guy has to say.  The best thing she could do would be to go back to the table, finish her drink and have a good time.  Not even acknowledge the drama.  Or better yet, finish her drink and then leave.  Just as long as the drink gets finished…

Go with your gut Lauren.  Leave.  It’s really hard to believe anything Teresa says when she keeps churning the pot.

Denial

Melissa’s What Happened:  And here’s Kim trying to claim she doesn’t know him and play it all off as ridiculous.  You don’t know him?  Yeah, we all believe that as much as we believe in that weave of yours.  Here’s a question, if you don’t know him, Kim, how did he get the invite to your party?  Oh Melissa, you are really getting some street cred with me tonight with your “shut up and take a walk” to Kim.  You go girl.  I’ll tell you what, on that note, I don’t give a crap at all that you were or weren’t a stripper.  I’ve just jumped on the Team Melissa bandwagon – where are my pom-poms?

While Teresa is off having a shot with her BIL and Kim, Caroline gets Lauren’s phone to see what’s what with the texts.  She can’t believe what’s happening.  You can’t?  Come on, it’s Teresa and it’s the finale.  How else is she going to sell stories to inTouch?

Rachel:  Oh Kim D, stop apologizing.  You’re as fake as those lips of yours.  I love that Melissa told her to take a walk at her own party.  Ha ha… And it doesn’t help Teresa’s cause to then get up & do a shot with her & her brother-in-law.  But she’s an idiot so I don’t really expect her to make a better decision.

Fresh Air

Melissa’s What Happened:  The ladies all head outside for air and Kathy needs to talk to Melissa to understand what happened.  Melissa spills what went down with Teresa in the bathroom.  Kathy doesn’t care what Melissa may have done in the past. It’s between her and Joe, but wants to know what kind of devil wants to ruin Melissa and Joe’s relationship.  The kind that wears hot pink sequins.

Rachel:  Thank you, Kathy.  That’s exactly right.  It’s no one’s business who did what when.  It’s between Joe & Melissa.  Anyone else who cares needs to get a life.  Like me, who is sitting here watching this nonsense.

The Calvary-ish

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile, Caroline and Jacqueline are talking about a set-up of some sort when they hear Rich doing his best “Yo, Adrienne” impersonation as he and Joe Gorga arrive.  Yep, things are going to get ugly… And quite frankly that’s why we watch.  Caroline tries to calm Joe down and talk him out of going inside to look for Angelo, while Jacqueline tells Melissa that she heard there was going to be a set-up and she thinks Teresa is involved.  Melissa, the reason she’s doing it now is because she can’t have anything not be about her.  Joe wants go talk face-to-face with Angelo to find out why he would say things about Melissa.

Rachel:  Wait, now you’re concerned that your husband is there and he has a bad temper?  Did that just occur to you?  I mean you were the one that called him and told him to come.  And really, with Rich?  What’s he gonna do?  The most hilarious thing is that Baldy never actually used the word “stripper”.  Listen to Caroline, Joe.  Be the bigger person and let it go.  Dude’s not even there.  And Jacqueline, do you need to throw gasoline on the fire?  This would be a good time to go back to sleep.  Wait, what does Pete have to do with this?  I mean he’s a Giudice and that’s enough, but I missed that whole part of the conversation.  And now this John dude from the salon says that Baldy just worked for him for one day?  The day Teresa & Kim D came in?  Huh?  Wow, these people are not good at strategic storytelling.  Hey, Melissa got the fool me once line right!  She’s the first!  And did the brother-in-law just rat Teresa out when he hugged her? I couldn’t quite understand what he said, but it sure sounded like it.

I Got This

Listen, I have this much drink left inside, make it fast.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa and Teresa get into a back and forth as Teresa tries to pretend that she was going to handle it.  Melissa tells her she knows she was being set-up, but Teresa wants proof and to know who is talking smack.  Melissa declares she is never going to be fooled by Teresa again.  Oh, now wait a moment here kids.  Did you all hear that?  Teresa has her next argument against Melissa because she had nothing to do with the “set up” and Melissa is just saying that to “ruin the family”.  Holy crazy lady!  You all know that’s going to take this feud through another season and a half.  It’s all Melissa’s fault.

Kim comes out to find out what is happening.  Joe knows she was involved so he starts to shoot his mouth off telling her to get away from him.  Of course that sets Kim off who has to remind Joe he’s nothing and she plays with the big dogs.  OK, I have to stop for a second.  Now really, who wouldn’t be cracking up if you saw this altercation outside a restaurant?  Seriously?  Kim is certifiable!!  It’s her fashion show and he needs to get out of there!  Priceless.

Rachel:  Oh here goes Joe’s Napoleon Complex into high gear.  Someone just shove him in the car.  And someone shove Jacqueline in the car.  Nothing good can come from them spouting off like ruptured water lines.  I mean it’s not like you walked into Disneyland and something bad happened.  You walked into a situation that has historically been mass hysteria expecting to be the exception when you’re just the rule.

Doppelgänger Theory

Melissa’s What Happened:  Meanwhile we have another backstory for Joe’s cheating… It’s really his brother.  You know, since they look so much alike.  Oh, and that phone call in Napa?  They had his brother mic’d… that was him too.

Make it Go Away

I have had enough!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Still outside, Joe continues to rant and rave about Melissa being set up.  Teresa stays inside so she doesn’t need to deal with anything.  In her confessional, Jacqueline says Teresa knew for 2 weeks about all of this and is trying to set Melissa up because she’s a gold-digging copycat.  Lauren reminds Caroline that Teresa had told her before that Melissa was a stripper.  Oy, this is crazy.  Well, it’s also clearly setting us up for some good reunion next week.  Jacqueline tells Melissa she’ll forward the messages to Melissa and Joe to see what went back and forth.  Teresa meanwhile confronts Jacqueline about setting Melissa up.  Hey, wait a minute, is this Jacqueline growing a backbone?  Could it be?  How the hell is Teresa claiming this is Jacqueline’s fault?  Lord that woman lives in some crazy alternate universe doesn’t she?

Melissa tries to get Joe to shame Teresa for her involvement, but instead starts a fight in the middle of the street.  Meanwhile Caroline is trying to get Jacqueline out of the fray and away from Teresa.  I think, Caroline, that should have been the plan 20 minutes ago.  

Rachel:  Oh boy, Jacqueline.  You had better be right that Teresa was standing there when Baldy said he was going to embarrass Melissa because that’s a whole lot of crazy you’re about to start.  And all of this over a job a decade ago at a bar that doesn’t even have STRIPPERS!!!  These people are bananas.  Jacqueline, you should have just stayed out of it.  See, now you’re face to face with Threehead who’s looking for anyone possible to divert the blame.  This is just silliness.  Total silliness.  I mean who gives a rat’s ass at the end of the day?

I love that this is all now Jacqueline’s fault.  It’s Kim D’s fault and it’s probably Bravo’s and maybe it’s Teresa’s.  And after that, I don’t know and I don’t care.  If a girl wants to dance on a table in a bikini to make some cash, so what.  So now Jacqueline’s a stripper too?  And wow, yet another c-bomb.  These Giudices sure like to throw that around.  BTW, I’m pretty sure most of these lades aren’t rocking the most polished pasts either.

So THAT’S What Happened

Melissa’s What Happened:  FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THINGS GREAT AND SMALL… WE DON’T CARE!  Now if she was a dancer who sacrificed puppies and kittens as part of her act, then I might think less of her, but really, still not so much on the caring.

And now we know what happened before last season’s reunion.

Rachel:  Who knew last year’s reunion was 12 hours after the Posche show?  Well, we probably did but I don’t remember.  It could be 12 hours later for me and I wouldn’t remember.

Season Wrap Up:

  • Now we know why Jacqueline wasn’t at the last Reunion, it was filmed right after the Fashion Show.
  • Caroline hasn’t spoken to Teresa since the reunion
  • Lauren lost 35 pounds and Cafface is thriving
  • Albie and Lindsey aren’t dating.  Not to be mean here, but I’m sure this world of cray-cray sent her running for the hills.
  • Kathy’s cannoli kit goes on sale this year.
  • Victoria realized dorm life would suck and is staying closer to home for school.
  • Kathy and Teresa have been texting.
  • Melissa’s “How Many Times” made it to #4 on iTunes and they put their house on the market to move away from Teresa.
  • Teresa wrote another book and Joe is still waiting to hear if he’ll do time.
  • Teresa hasn’t seen her brother since the fashion show and apologized to the ladies (except Kathy) in a magazine.
  • Jacqueline had a bit of a nervous breakdown after the show and decided to focus on her family.
  • Jacqueline and Teresa haven’t seen each other since the fashion show.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  Oh that was ridiculousness.  It seems like a whole lot of contrived nonsense for nothing.  But let’s be honest, Melissa was looking for a reason to stop liking Teresa and Teresa was looking for a reason to start talking smack again… They both got their wish.  As for my wish, I wish that they would figure out how to write a new storyline for next season.  But I am glad that Kathy’s cannoli are going to be in stores.

Melissa:  Wow, that was one hell of a finale, and I can’t wait for the reunion, I have to be honest.  Here’s a sneak: “You’re a liar, you’re sick and you’re going to hell.”

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