One Sentence Summary: The heat kicks up in Miami, too bad it was just the swine cooking.
Rachel: Well, I’m not gonna lie. Totally forgot this was on tonight. Not because I forgot it was Thursday, but because I forgot about them completely. That’s how little impact the premiere had on me. I just don’t know if these women have what it takes to be the next NeNe Leakes or Ramona Singer or Camille Grammar version 1.0. And every show needs one of them. But I’m still open-minded. Still willing to give them a second chance. Still willing to see what kind of mettle these ladies have in them. I feel like Joanna (who I really want to call Pamela for some reason) has the potential to bring us some crazy. The rest still only register a “meh” on my radar. So, let’s see what they have in store for Week 2 now that we’ve done the 75 minute long intro.
Melissa: OK, I’m totally with my girl on this one. I completely blew this off Thursday night because I completely forgot they were on. Yep, I went blissfully through my day and evening without the Miami ladies entering my mind. I think my body tried to treat the first episode like childbirth, completely block it out and forget any pain involved. Sadly I can’t get an epidural to make this week’s pain go away.
Give Them a Chance
Melissa’s What Happened: Alexia drops in on Ana to tell us Elsa has been released from the hospital and ready for her wine. Ana thinks the ladies were nice, but thought it strange Karent’s man introduced himself to her… Since they supposedly know each other already. Um, maybe because he’s trying to cover up knowing you so he doesn’t have to explain anything to Karent. Let’s face it, I’m sure he thinks he’s completely in the clear where it’s all concerned. Maybe he needs to stay in the states to watch a few episodes… NOTHING stays hidden for long. She doesn’t know about Karent yet, and thinks she was being sized up by her. Then there’s the proprietary way in which she treats Rodolfo; especially not liking any of the ladies talking to him. Alexia says they need to give everyone a chance. Aw, there we go, our first Housewives “can’t we all get along”.
Rachel: Oh good, Elsa is back home drinking wine & losing dogs. Glad we’re all caught up on that. As you know, I’m Team Ana on the whole Rudolpho situation that we haven’t even begun to hear about, but I gotta call her out here. Karent should be acting “proprietary” over him being that he is sleeping in her bed… much to her parents’ chagrin clearly. But I do love that they agree that they have to give everyone a chance. Yeah, famous last words.
Melissa’s What Happened: Ick, it’s “spark time” on the Housewives with a couple’s massage for Karent and her man. Rodolfo is hoping for a happy ending. Of course you are. Skeeve. Ew, really, trying to get it on right there on your massage tables? Gross. Whoa, wait and at the drop of marriage Rodolfo pulls a full on “I don’t think so”? DAY-UM! Not even a “someday maybe”… I’d be sticking him with the bill over that little attitude. Ah, he went through a difficult marriage and has too hectic of a schedule so he can’t think about it right now. She thinks the massage will help him understand she isn’t going anywhere? How’s that work? Nice, he’s fallen asleep on her conversation. Oh, someone went the School of Jacqueline Laurita route for dodging a tricky conversation!!
Rachel: OK this boyfriend of hers is a pig. You can just smell it on him. He’s like a walking talking BLT. Did he really just say, “I don’t think so” to her talking about marriage? Yep, very stinky pig. And any guy that tells you that he’ll talk to you about marriage when “the time is right” is telling you that he’s not interested in marrying you. There’s just something he has to do first… yeah, like other women. And then he falls asleep in the middle of the conversation. Charmer. Girl, get up off that table and leave that dude behind.
Lisa – (not even worth titling this scene it was so dumb)
Melissa’s What Happened: Shocking, she doesn’t have a job. Other than being her husband’s bitch. Oh way to put your foot down making him put your pictures in his office so his clients know he has a wife. Yes, he should replace his diplomas with her photos. How funny would it be if she rolled off that chair trying to hang up her pictures in heels? Wait, did that just make me sound evil? Oh well, so be it.
Rachel: This is such a contrived scene. Lisa apparently hasn’t yet learned the fine art of making fake reality look like real reality. And Bravo hasn’t yet figured out what to do with her. So let’s pretend she’s never seen her husband’s office before, yet knew there were no pictures of her… And knew to bring a photo the exact same size as a photo of her husband’s ex so she could replace it. BTW, Lenny skeeves me out. He’s so… That guy. Wait, sometimes he doesn’t get home until 7? How do you survive, Lisa?
Reasons NOT to Live with Siblings and Their Significants
Melissa’s What Happened: Um, there are no groceries in the refrigerator because Joanna doesn’t want the late night chocolate cake, pretzel, and cheese binge. Yes, collectively. That’s how it works in my house. Marta stays with Joanna and Romain when she’s not acting, which I’m thinking puts her in Miami quite often. He wants to know when she’s going to cook or shop for groceries. Oh, she totally would, but well, it’s easier to hang out at the apartment pretending to look for a job. Let’s be honest. Wait, she just walks into her sister’s bathroom? Serves you right having to look at his forest for walking into their bathroom. Btw, totally didn’t need to know Romain needed to groom this week.
Rachel: I didn’t realize that Marta was the house frau. I don’t think she realized she was either. Dude, your girlfriend comes with a sister as part of the package. Deal with it or get a new girlfriend. Personally, it seems like a whole lot of not fun, but if you want Joanna, you get Marta. And Marta, what did you think you were going to find if you walked into her bathroom? You heard him yelling from the room. You can’t possibly be that dumb, can you? Can you? Yeah, I’m not sure I could hang with that nonsense.
The Other Man
Melissa’s What Happened: Ana has a boyfriend named Mark?? Hang on, the hubby Robert still comes over for dinner? Yeah girls, I think it’s pretty strange too. Then again, what the hell do I know, maybe this is the norm in Miami.
Rachel: Oh so Ana has a boyfriend other than her husband? This is such a weird dynamic. Honey, let go. Seems like her daughters are more realistic about the sitchmo than she is.
Legal Talk with Lea
Melissa’s What Happened: Lea can watch her husband’s closing arguments online? Since when can you watch court hearings online? She explains to her son RJ that Mr. Goodman is innocent until proven guilty and segues to how she met her husband. Hey, what was the point of that scene? Don’t we know all this already? I swear, this is the most ADD show ever. I’m going to need medication by the end of the season.
Rachel: Aw Lawd, it’s Lea. It’s gonna get loud. Wait, her husband is representing John Goodman? VILE!!!! He ran a car off the road, left the driver to die and then adopted his girlfriend to transfer his assets so he wouldn’t have to pay the victim’s family a big settlement. Yeah, he’s the victim. Please tell me she’s not sitting here and defending that lowlife scumbag. Oh Lea, we’re so over. But so is the trial and that douchebag got 16 years. Oh I just want to reach into the TV and smack Lea upside the head.
How the Other-Half Lives
Melissa’s What Happened: Adriana takes Lisa and Lenny to look at some yachts for ideas for their boat. Lisa honey, just beacuse you can’t live on a boat, it doesn’t mean others can’t. Unfortunately though, I’m thinking Lisa might be right on this one. Talk turns to babies and Lisa wants three while Adriana tells us her man doesn’t want the responsibility to provide for another child. Lisa admits she and Lenny have been trying to start a family for three years, but when the time is right, it will happen.
Rachel: I’ve been to this Yacht Show and there are some ridic boats. I mean beyond ridic. I actually considered applying for a job on one until I saw the “servants quarters.” Not quite the same party. So Adriana, why accept the engagement ring if you don’t want the marriage… sorry, ball and chain. I mean isn’t part of the deal of accepting a giant diamond from a man on bended knee is to want to actually marry them?
Melissa: Well, the giant diamond also means he’ll pay half of the bills while you string him along.
Pillows – Who Knew?
Melissa’s What Happened: Adriana stops by to check on Elsa and her recovery. Of course she fainted because she was hot. Poor woman should have been home on her chaise with a glass of wine. Elsa wants to know about Frederic, but doesn’t see that Adriana is as much in love as he is. I love Elsa! That woman just speaks her mind regardless. I wish I had an Elsa. She needs to start up a therapy practice… Clients come, have a glass of wine and get a little wisdom from her. Elsa thinks beautiful women should be taken care of by a man. But you need to put your head on the right pillow, and the right pillow is the one that is full of money. HA, I love you Elsa!!
Rachel: I love that Elsa literally does nothing more than lounge around all day and take visitors. What’s with the fans? Wait, does she not have air conditioning? I didn’t think that was legal in Miami. Come on Bravo, spring for some air conditioning for the lady. I also like that Elsa calls it like she sees it. Yeah, I forgot that Adriana’s ex was married to another woman… While she was married to him. That’s some pretty thick scar tissue. Beautiful women should be taken care of… Yes, that works until another beautiful woman comes along. Oh Elsa, the world doesn’t work like it did in 1950. I’m with Adriana here. You have to have something to fall back on.
At Least There Was Wine
Melissa’s What Happened: Karent gives her patients paraffin hand treatments? OK, I might need to like her a little. Wait, what dentist has a publicist? I’ll need to check with mine to see if they do. I’m definitely going to bring up the paraffin treatment!! So the publicist has her lined up for 40 appearances. Back up the bus, she’s having a glass of wine at work? Whew, at least it’s the end of the day. I was about to call full-on shenanigans on that work ethic!! Mostly because I can’t drink at work and I’m jealous. I think more meetings would have quicker resolutions if we could have cocktails.
Rachel: You gotta like a dentist that keeps wine in her office. The rest of the scene has nothing of interest for me… including the parafin wax.
Melissa’s What Happened: While Marysol complains of the fake sugar in her espresso (I’m right there with ya girl, it just doesn’t taste right), Elsa stops by. Woohoo, it’s an Elsa 2-fer!! Elsa brought Marysol a little something to cleanse the bad energy. She’s sprinkling rice for prosperity? Man, where’s my Uncle Ben’s??
Rachel: Yeah the fake sugar in your coffee tastes like poison because it is poison. Not that I’m here to point fingers being that I had two Splendas today with my iced tea. But it is nasty stuff. Hey! Elsa’s off the couch! I love the looks on all the employees faces as she throws rice all over them. So when the cleaning crew comes and vacuums up all the rice do all the good vibes go with it? Does the vacuum now find love with the Swifter?
Melissa’s What Happened: The happy couple is out to dinner and Joanna thinks it should be a “phones away” dinner as she would like some attention for herself. Look at that, Romain can remember their first date, first kiss… Color me impressed!! Joanna thinks they are at the point where they need to make the marriage finally happen. They’ve been together for 5 years, but she was always busy and didn’t have the time. Now he’s back peddling. Why put a contract on the relationship? Her terms are break-up or marriage. That’s not going to end the way she wants… gonna put that out there.
Rachel: Yeah, you ignored him wanting to get married and now you’re wondering why he’s not interested in pushing the subject? You can’t keep shutting a guy down without there being some repercussions. Guess you’ll have to wait until he’s in the mood again…. which will probably be when your sister moves out.
Melissa’s What Happened: At home Adriana feels like she’s being courted again by getting dinner made for her. Looks like the girls have been asking when she’s getting married, but she’s happy with the way things are. She doens’t think they should change things if they are working. He’s ready to get married that very evening, but her scars keep her from taking that final step. She wants to wait until the boat is ready… That excuse will buy her a few months. He’ll wait as long as she needs him to wait. Wow!
Rachel: Ok so tonight’s theme is courting and marriage. Why do you do this to us Bravo? We don’t need theme shows unless there’s nothing else going on. You’re contriving these storylines and it’s not interesting. So now Adriana doesn’t want to get married. Can someone wake me up when something happens? Thanks.
Swine and Wine
Melissa’s What Happened: All the ladies get together at the Biltmore for the South Beach Food and Wine Festival… the Swine and Wine event… My kind of event!! Poor Lisa is getting blown off again by Lea. Adriana pulls Karent aside to spill the rumors that are going around about Rodolfo. Karent is quick with her excuse about Ana’s texting and all is fine. Lisa thinks Romain and Joanna need some time alone to figure out their relationship. They also need to get rid of Marta who insists to Lisa that she doesn’t need to stay with them. Well, then here’s my dumb question of the night… Why are you staying there then?? Adriana dishes to the ladies what Karent said while Lea, the pot stirrer, is quick to say that the only thing she knew of Rodolfo was his texting Ana all night long. Ready to get to her sleuthing, she pulls Karent over to get the story straight, much to Ana’s annoyance. Ana admits that Rodolfo texts her a lot and it annoys her current boyfriend. Karent claims Rodolfo’s soap star status causes women to chase after him, and she doesn’t want to engage petty in activities like this. Ana shares the texts with the other ladies while Karent claims it’s nothing.
Rachel: Did Lisa just roll up to the Biltmore in shorts? Classy. Oh Lisa, Lea doesn’t like you. Get over it. She can’t be the first woman to not like you? I want to shake Karent. I mean I get fighting for your man and not seeing the forest for the trees, but this guy is so playing you. Oh Marta, stop complaining and get your own apartment! I wonder what Lisa’s husband is going to think about having Marta walking in on him in the shower? Maybe she’ll get her picture on his wall. Oh Lea, why must you start a mess? Oh right, for your entertainment. Why does Adriana need to get in the middle? Ha… Marysol gets a tip of the hat for wanting to order a “double of ignorant bliss.” I love that
Rachel: Someone had better start feeding Joanna drinks and bring us some drama soon or this season is going to be about as interesting as the first one…
Melissa: Once again I’m in complete agreement with my lovely partner. I get we need to develop story lines to care for these ladies, but come on this is exhausting. That epidural is really starting to look good right about now.