One Sentence Summary: The Housewives leaves St Barths, but St Barths doesn’t leave the Housewives.
Rachel: Time for the St Barths hangover. Why is it that all Housewife vacations come with a hangover? They can never just end. They have to continue to cause pain after the good time is done. Seriously, all their trips are like a bottle of vodka…. They start off fun, start to careen out of control the more they have of the vacation, and then end with a giant headache and regret over bad behavior. Of course, I’m not sure what I expect when you purposely put all that crazy under one roof and unlock the bar. But I’m so interested to hear how Aviva – or Crayviva as one reader brilliantly calls her – continues to justify her boorish behavior back on the island of Manhattan. You know, after she survives yet another small plane ride back from St Barths. Shall we?
Melissa: Why do I dread that we’re going to spend an entire episode rehashing St. Barths? Listen, people were offended, people were naked, people argued, people hooked up, and people drank too much… Welcome to vacation!
Chop Chop, Boys
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona & Mario arrange a cooking party at Pamela Morgan’s home. Pamela Morgan is a chef and cookbook writer and tonight she is having the men cook dinner for the ladies. Ramona set this evening up as a respite from the drama of St Barths by inviting only LuAnn and Sonja. I love that now LuAnn is part of the “no drama club”. I’m surprised Heather isn’t coming as well. Seems the ghost of Tomas past is hovering in the room and LuAnn has set out to ensure that Jacques is extra loved up in case one of the girls makes an oopsie at dinner. Why would she ever think these girls would say something crazy? Enter Sonja and her disco headband. Oh right.
As the men cook, Ramona brings up Aviva. Groan. She’s so shocked by her behavior and doesn’t understand where it came from. LuAnn reminds her that she was the one that wanted to send Reid to a hotel, which might not have been the warmest of welcomes. That’s true LuAnn, but Aviva wouldn’t have known that had you not brought it up and stirred the pot. But it doesn’t matter since Ramona is pretty sure that never happened. Uh, revisionist history only works when you’re not being filmed, Ramona.
Sonja says that she was welcoming to Reid and Aviva had no right to talk down to her the way she did. I’m with Sonja on that one. For some reason, LuAnn keeps defending Aviva, which is pretty dumb considering that these two could out you to Jacques in about 10 seconds. Might be best to pipe down & just nod along. Sonja’s had enough. She reminds everyone that Aviva isn’t actually using this education she loves to brag about and bails on the conversation. In her one-on-one she breaks it down so awesomely: Aviva didn’t split the atom. She got on a plane… Exactly. And I’m going to say Sonja wins that volley. Ramona continues to bash Aviva and thinks the real anxiety with Aviva isn’t a fear of planes. It’s a fear of being without Reid. Personally, I think it’s less about fear & more about attention. And the rant is on… Sonja is back & the two of them are hysterical over deserving an apology. Ok Ok Ok ladies. Enough. Save it for Aviva. Whew, LuAnn is right. This party needs more wine. And I think I shall partake.
This might be the first time in history that men preferred to stay in the kitchen at a party.
Melissa: Pamela Morgan is cooking for Ramona’s dinner party. Nice. I like the idea of the men cooking for the ladies. I wonder how long until Ramona brings up Tomas? Oh, really, going to pretend it didn’t happen Mona? Wait, is it getting chilly in hell? WTF is on Sonja’s head? While Ramona isn’t going to say anything, Sonja, after a few glasses, might be a bit of a loose cannon. Sorry, I can’t look at Sonja with that thing on her head. I really can’t keep track of this conversation because of her head. Wait, what the hell is going on here… I’m actually agreeing with Ramona that Aviva’s dependence on her husband is a bit wacky.
Rachel’s What Happened: Newly minted BFFs Carole & Heather meet up for some drinks. Carole is looking forward to getting bombed with Heather post-St Barths. Nothing kills a bad hangover like a new cocktail. Heather and Carole get into relationship talk about whether bickering is healthy or not. But this really intensely interesting (not) relationship talk is interrupted by some milkshake shots. Heather thinks Aviva needs to do some shots and can’t believe she’s never done one in her life. I can believe it. The woman’s wrapped tighter than a child’s sweater around Pamela Anderson’s knockers. Carole says she doesn’t trust anyone who hasn’t done a shot. But she loves “Vivs” even though she can be a little self-righteous at times. A little? Carole also lets it slip that Aviva was a runaway bride before she married Harry. She called off her Jamaican wedding a week before. The girls find the fact that Aviva was getting married in Jamaica hilarious. Count me in on that one. And count me in on those drinks. Those girls are feeling no pain. It’s a good thing no one drives in Manhattan.
Next up for discussion, Judaism. Heather was not raised Jewish and her husband didn’t expect her to convert but did want their kids to be raised Jewish. This leads to a conversation about circumcised vs non-circumcised penises. Which leads to a big “I love you” fest. Ah, drunk girls.
Melissa: Amen Carole, we all wanted to get bombed after that trip!! I love watching Heather and Carole tossing back drinks. I agree with Carole, I don’t trust anyone who hasn’t had a shot. That and just has a salad for dinner.
Rachel’s What Happened: Now it’s Heather & LuAnn’s turn to meet up for some sushi. Mmm… sushi. I could totally eat some sushi right now… Wait, what were we talking about? Oh right, Aviva. How could I forget? Heather thinks she and LuAnn were the middle players so she’d like to hear where she stands with everything. Well, LuAnn thinks Aviva had every right to come unhinged. They both think the relationship is probably at a point of fracture where it won’t be fixed between Ramona & Aviva. Gee, what gives you that idea? Though as with everything Ramona, all it takes is her finding a new enemy. Remember ladies, you were both once living in the crosshairs of the Ramonacoaster too. However, Sonja & Aviva seem to have more potential for a reunion. Uh, have you been paying attention? Sonja’s turned a corner, remember?
Up next, Jacques. Heather is debating bringing up the invisible Italians but chooses to be sensitive instead. The right move but way less fun for us. LuAnn says she’s going forward with the IVF. She has to try it. Heather thinks she may have skipped a chapter of the book going right into babies post-Tomas. Well, depends which book you’re reading. LuAnn only gave Jacques the Cliff Notes. As LuAnn continues to try and convince Heather that she and Jacques are meant to be, she chokes on her food. Ah life’s funny little metaphors.
Melissa: More perspectives on Aviva’s behavior. Lu is going IVF? LuAnn & Jacques didn’t have to “handle” anything after St. Barths because she’s staying mum on “Italian Night”.
Can I Get A Cracker With That Cheese?
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh great, another dinner conversation about St Barths. This time it’s Aviva, Carole & Heather’s turn. Aviva would like some champagne to celebrate her “Escape From Alcatraz”. Carole thinks it’s more like “One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest”. I’d say so. They all agree that you don’t really know someone until you go away with them. Truer words have never been spoken. I have learned that one the hard way… several times. And it seems they don’t enjoy seeing Sonja’s nakedness on a daily basis. Yeah, I’m thinking that would get old after about 60 seconds.
Aviva thinks Ramona’s enabling Sonja and encouraging her down a negative party spiral. Yeah, I think Sonja pretty much circles that drain on her own. But Carole doesn’t care because she’s just tired of hearing about it. You’re not alone, my friend. You are not alone. But Aviva continues on about the two of them being codependent and their behavior being disgusting. Hey, Melissa and I are codependent and we’re completely functional. Well kinda… Anyway, Heather feels badly for Sonja because she thinks she’s really falling apart. She asks Aviva to not lump them together and maybe have some sympathy for Sonja. She nods her head, takes a breath and then launches again into how hard it was for her to get to St Barths. Oh for the love of everything holy, shut up! But no, she keeps grinding the ax as Heather puts it and caps it off by calling Ramona cheesy and low-class. OK, that made me giggle just a bit. Did she seriously call her cheesy?
Melissa: Yet another dinner with the ladies and the escape from the trip. I’m with you Carole, I don’t want to hear about it anymore either. Sweet Mary Aviva, let it go.
It’s Not You, It’s Me
Rachel’s What Happened: The revolving door of meet-ups continues with Carole & Sonja. Carole’s feelings about Sonja have changed since the trip, but she’s concerned about what’s going on in her life to make her behave so recklessly. They go into an office and Carole realizes it’s the office of the Turkish man she went on a date with after Sonja’s party. Carole is, in a word, surprised. And the moment is awkward. It doesn’t get less awkward when he asks why she didn’t call him back. She pulls the “I’ve been so busy” excuse which works not at all for him and he leaves the room. Not quite in a huff. Just probably needs remember where he left his ego.
As you can predict, the convo turns to St Barths. Carole feels like she was on a different trip than everyone else. Sonja thinks it was fabulous until Aviva showed up and rained holy terror down on everyone. It was all too much for Carole. Sonja feels badly for that and I wish that Carole would have acknowledged that because she’s the only one thus far to apologize. But Carole can’t get a word in edgewise with Sonja who has her own version of the story. Well, don’t we all in these situations? Sonja would like to just move on and get some custom shirts. Yeah, weren’t you just bitching about Aviva not moving on Carole? Why the sudden need to discuss? She’s the only woman that’s been contrite and gracious thus far. Cut her some slack.
Melissa: Carole, I adore you my dear but I have to wonder how you thought you would be able to travel with these ladies and not want to stab yourself.
Me, Me, Me, Me, Me
Rachel’s What Happened: Sweet Mary, now it’s Heather & Aviva at dinner. Didn’t we already cover this territory? After some small talk about broken noses and bathing babies, Aviva marches right into St Barths again. Aren’t you exhausted yet, Aviva? Lord knows I am. Heather lets her know that all the things Aviva expected of the vacation – spas, girl talk, etc – happened before she arrived. The bottom dropped out when she arrived. Aviva asks if she’s being over-sensitive or if the girls were partying really hard. Heather says it didn’t bother her. They were entertaining to her because she wasn’t vested in it. She was more concerned about Sonja because of all the pressure she’s under. Well, I guess Aviva didn’t get the answer she wanted because she asks it again. Who cares, Aviva? They’re grown ups. They can party til the breaka breaka dawn if they want. You’re not their mother. Heather continues to try and talk Aviva back in off the “I’m a victim” ledge and explain that it’s easier just to live among them. But no, Aviva was bullied and she needs the whole world to know it. Apparently she also needs to have apologies akin to kissing the Pope’s ring before she considers them sincere. Heather finally tells her that she’s being self-centered and she needs to let it go. Not sure it sunk in, but the conversation, and the evening, did end.
Melissa: I almost wanted to set a stop watch to see how long Aviva would last without a comment about St. Barths. Aviva, you need to stop. It’s just annoying everyone at this point. Hang on, they bullied you? No offense, you gave as good as you got on that trip. Plus, it’s vacation… Time to enjoy yourself and kick back with a cocktail or three. That’s what people want to do on vacation, my dear.
Pretty In Pink
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole tells Aviva that she’s been under so much stress that she’s started smoking. A-ha! Now we know how you stay thin. Aviva says she needs to stop immediately. Carole seems to think since the cigarettes are pink, they can’t be that bad for her. That is possibly one of the dumbest sentences to come out of a smart girl ever. Aviva warns her that it will affect their friendship, once again making the situation about her. I really think Carole was just pushing Aviva’s buttons. I mean I think she’s probably really smoking, but telling Aviva about it was just a button push.
Melisssa: Really Carole, you didn’t think Aviva wouldn’t lecture you?
Welcome To My Boudoir
Rachel’s What Happened: Aw, I do love a good girls’ night in. You can never get too old for that. Sonja & Ramona hop into Sonja’s bed for some girl talk and she tells Ramona that she’s meeting with her ex on Friday, which will be the first time they’re face-to-face since 2006. Well, no wonder she’s been a maniac lately. Apparently, there’s been a divorce but no settlement. So she’s planning her outfit, hair & make-up so she can look good for him. Ramona thinks she’s still in love with her ex. Yeah, I think that one’s pretty apparent. Sonja just wants them to be friends again and for him to remember her they way they were. Yipes, that doesn’t sound healthy. I have a bad feeling about this. It doesn’t help that she has a $7MM judgement against her, which makes this settlement all the more important. Ramona suggests selling the condo. Sonja doesn’t want to do that. She likes to own things and know that she has a nest egg. But if she doesn’t get the settlement, she could lose the house. Lady, sell the condo.
Melissa: I have to say, that does look like one cozy bead worth hanging out in for hours on end. I’ve always wanted a bed like that, but I’d never be able to deal with all the pillows and fluffiness for more than a day. Anyone else think it’s not a good idea for Sonja to see her ex? She’s so not over their breakup. I don’t think you should have an emotional relationship with an ex. It’s just not good.
Rachel’s What Happened: And the final stop on the RHONY merry go round is dinner with Aviva & Sonja. This should be loud, though it starts off congenial with talk of pizza and skinny dipping. Seems Aviva thinks Heather was right to be concerned about Sonja and that’s why she’s agreed to this meeting. Aviva starts off saying that she hopes that, as moms, they can talk to each other in a less confrontational way. She loves Sonja and finds her to be the most compassionate of all the ladies. She was the one that was concerned about Aviva getting on the plane so that’s why she was really hurt when she didn’t get the warm & fuzzies in St Barths. That’s also why she said things she shouldn’t have in the heat of the moment. During this monologue of Aviva’s, I really thought Sonja’s eyes were going to roll into the back of her head. She tells Aviva that she’s sorry she feels that she didn’t get the warm welcome that she deserved, but the bottom line is that she said some things she can’t take back. She defamed her character and she can’t have a friend like that. So, she’s hoping they can say “sorry” to each other and move on. Seems fair. Not everyone needs to be friends. What say you, Aviva? She feels duped & betrayed by Ramona. Sonja wants to know how that gives her an excuse to say all the things she said. Yeah, I want to know too. Here we go…
Seems that in Aviva’s world, “white trash” means moral failure and at that moment she felt that Ramona was so concerned with her own partying instead of being gracious. You live in a very interesting world, Aviva. Last I checked, that was not what that meant at all. But go ahead and spin the story however you need to in order to make it all Ramona’s fault. You know, sometimes it’s better to just say you’re sorry than to defend the indefensible. Sonja has essentially said she’s not interested in your friendship but she is good with being cordial. You kinda need to accept that and move along with your neuroses to a more hospitable environment. But she keeps defending and blaming and finally Sonja has had enough. She says she knows what Aviva thinks about her and having that in her life isn’t interesting to her. She can’t be anything other than who she is. Now that Aviva is realizing her appeals are going unheard, she changes her tune and says she was just calling it like she saw it in St Barths. There’s the real Aviva. You know, the one Sonja doesn’t want to be friends with.
And we’re back right into it. Aviva is back to saying there was a lack of character among the girls. She’s also incredulous at being told she was ranting because that is insulting to a woman who was just trying to express her anger. OMG, this is laughable. Drama much, Aviva? Sonja doesn’t appreciate her “holier than thou” attitude, but really doesn’t want to get back into it. Oh you’re waist-deep into it, honey. Sonja doesn’t need anyone judging her. She knows Aviva doesn’t like her, she criticizes her and she finds having that in her life a liability. And here comes the low blow… Aviva retorts by saying that she finds having someone in front of her in a spiral downward to the degree she’s going is so sad to watch. She’s worried about her and is the only one that will tell her the truth. Sonja says someone who cares about her wouldn’t say those things behind her back. Aviva says she says them to her face. Well, there you have it! That certainly qualifies as caring! Aviva guesses the difference between them is that she owns her messes and Sonja does not. Man, she loves to beat that drum.
And Sonja’s done. They will each go there own way with their own friends, but not before Aviva gets one more Ramona dig under her belt. Well, that went well.
Melissa: Really Aviva, we have to do this again? I feel like St. Barths was a month long trip with how much we’ve had to dissect it. Hang on, how was she duped by Ramona? I mean Ramona drives me up a wall but I don’t know how anyone was duped. Here’s the thing Aviva, if you want to be allowed to be angry for something, others are too. You need to drop the sanctimonious attitude of yours and just let your shit go.
Rachel: Wow, that Aviva really lives in her own world of infallibility. I must say I’m all kinds of Team Sonja on this one.
Melissa: You know it’s a bad episode when my annoyance with Ramona is completely eclipsed by Aviva. Maybe hell really is freezing over.