Real Housewives of New Jersey: A Bald Canary Sings

One Sentence Summary:  Kim D returns for the Posche Fashion show with a collective eye roll of annoyance.

Our Thoughts:

Bravo only gives me 2 episodes because I’m blackmailing Andy Cohen.

 Rachel:  Finally, the last two episodes are upon us and all I can keep thinking is, “I could be watching football.”  That’s my preferred version of beating the snot out of each other for sport.  Not vapid women who have nothing better to do than call each other out for no good reason other than jealousy and boredom.  Also, it has been brought to our attention that apparently last week’s events were presented to us in an order that wasn’t with the actual progression of time.  Seems the Fabellini party happened after the Posche Fashion Show where everything goes pear-shaped between Teresa and the three friends she has left, even though they showed it before on the show.  We’re also being told that Melissa “lied” in her VO and she didn’t actually watch her nieces so Teresa could go to the Fabellini party.  All I have to say about all that is, seriously?  I’m supposed to give enough of a shit about these people that I do more than tune into Bravo?  Sorry, but that ain’t happening.  Especially as I lie here in bed sick as a dog.  Does that make me less than a superfan?  Probably.  I can live with that.  Now, do I mind people letting us in on that info?  Hell no.  Please do.  But know that unless it happens on Comcast channel 56, the odds are I’m not going to know about it.  And as for Bravo playing us like that, why you gotta confuse me?  OK, I’m done being cranky.  Let’s do this.

Melissa:  Oh look, Kim D is back to hawk her Posche Fashion Show this week.  Anyone else dreading Kim D?  I have no patience for her and her antics.  I really don’t.  She thinks her little pot-stirrer approach will get her a spot as a Housewife.

Celebrity Status?

Am I really so gullible that I believe this apology?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa is getting all dolled up to meet a big VP at a record label.  Everything is a huge decision because she wants to look sexy for him.  As she walks through her options with her makeup artist George Miguel, Kim D calls from Posche to tell Melissa she stuck her nose where it didn’t belong (talking trash about Joe and his business) and thinks she owes Melissa and Joe an apology.  She wants to make amends and wants to invite Melissa as a guest.  I agree Melissa, that wasn’t heartfelt at all.  I could almost see her rolling her eyes and picking at her mani during that “apology”.  She’s going to check with the other ladies to see if they’re going to go, but still wonders why she’s being invited.  Oh, I think we all know why.  Kim D wants to out you as an ex-stripper.  It has nothing to do with your celebrity.

 Rachel:  Was that Kim D apologizing?  I didn’t know she knew how to do that and therefore I wouldn’t trust the apology at all.  Both Kim D and Kim G are nothing but opportunists so I’m sure this invitation is nothing more than more airtime for Posche.  And by the way, I get that you’re trying to be like Porsche, but really.  At least Melissa isn’t buying the invite straight up… but you really think she’s reaching out because you’re a celebrity?  On the D list, maybe.

Non Riesco a Parlare Italiano

I don’t know, I think this is Greek not Italian.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Ugh, already my eye is twitching with Teresa teaching her girls Italian.  She and Joe speak Italian and want the girls to be connected to their heritage.  Man, I think I can muster a better Italian than that.  Oh, maybe it’s because Teresa speaks dialect.  Sorry, that one was too easy.  I’ll give her a pass.  Gia steps up to start the class and teach her sisters as Kim D arrives.  Ugh, OK Bravo I have to ask… Which one of you does she have evidence against to earn airtime? You got rid of Kim G.  Can’t we do the same with the D?

Anyway, she’s there to tell Teresa she’s not going to ask her to walk, just be a guest.  Ah, flashbacks to the hair pulling Posche Show of ’09, while Teresa tells us the good time she has every year.  Kim runs down the invite list.  Teresa accepts that Caroline is invited, and tells her she needs to stay positive for her daughters.

 Rachel:  I love that Teresa is trying to teach her kids Italian when she can barely grasp English.  You speak a dialect?  Yeah, I’m sure you do.  Does anyone else want to kidnap Gia and put her into therapy?  I feel so bad for that kid.  She seriously is the most parental person in that house.  I love that Kim D keeps telling the women that she isn’t asking them to walk in the fashion show this year as if it’s a compliment.

Manzo Brunch

I don’t know why he’s handing me a cocktail, Mrs. Manzo. I never drink.

Melissa’s What Happened:  At the Manzo crib Lindsey gets cooking for the other half of the Manzo clan.  I’m curious as to what that single piece of meat is and just who she’s going to feed with it because I’m not seeing anything else being made for brunch.  Caroline knows times are a-changing and it’s not taboo anymore to live in sin, but she hopes the new living arrangement doesn’t distract Albie from work.  Oh Caroline, of course he’s distracted.  It’s part of the rite of passage for moving in together.  I love this family!  I’d also love a little bite of one of those sandwiches!  Albie and Lindsey are off in their little hand-holding world while Caroline compliments how far he’s come.  Big news is that Lauren has signed her new lease for Cafface at the old Chateau.  Now that Caroline & Albert are empty-nesters Caroline is ready for him to retire.  Wisely he worries they might not like each other after spending all their time together.

Rachel:  I love that the kids are making brunch for Caroline & Albert.  And those breakfast sammies look pretty damn delish.  I know I say it all the time, but I really do love the Manzo family.  And I would really like them to adopt me just so I can attend Sunday dinners.  Is that too much to ask?  I don’t think so.

What About Dessert?

For the love of all things, STFU and don’t ruin this for me!!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Rich and Kathy are off to Bindi, the dessert manufacturer, to try to score her a dessert deal.  Her pitch is a poster and hopefully keeping a lid on her husband.  She breaks down the dessert party she hosted and how all the desserts she made were eaten, to which Rich interjects that they were free and it’s not hard to give away free.  Um, Rich I don’t think it’s joke-time right now.  Save it for the ride home.  Please Rich, no need to bring up your happy ending joke either.  OK, now I’m completely repulsed by Rich’s comment that his favorite dessert is Kathy… Tastes like fish and she gets it done.  WTF?  That’s just gross.  Even after all that, they executives are ready to work with her.  Of course, it could be the promise of a happy ending.

Rachel:  I would like to see Kathy’s desserts do well.  I like to bag on her, but she is really nice.  Wow, Rich is a moron.  Why even bring him into the meeting with you?  I swear he belittles her in front of people as a passive-agressive way to keep her in her “place”.  I hope this deal works out for her and I hope that contract doesn’t have Rich’s name on it.

Translator Needed

Can’t you just see my talent oozing out of my pores?

Melissa’s What Happened:  Melissa’s meeting with Recording Executive Jason Kpana at the Russian Tea Room.  Unfortunately for all of watching at home, Joe Gorga makes an obnoxious squeeze of Melissa’s ass as they enter the establishment.  Come on Joe, for the love of all things great and small just give it a rest please.  Corté Ellis is there for the first hug and to introduce her to Jason.  She just wants someone to help, but then asks him if he’s P Diddy after he order Ciroc.  Smooth.  Joe steps up and tells him that he’s got a star in front of him, and wants to know what he will do for her?  Corté equates it to them speaking Spanish and Jason is the translator.  She’s hoping she’s making her story and keeps singing what she believes in.  She is ready to hit the studio tomorrow and Joe offers to be her muse dancing in a g-string (eye twitch).

Rachel:  Wow, more not funny jokes in a business meeting by Melissa.  I love how these fools all think they’re so much bigger than they are.  They have the egos of Donald Trump for no good reason.  Starting a record label takes a lot more than building a recording studio, Joe.  But go for it.  I’m sure making sexual comments about your wife in front of business people will work well in getting you a distribution deal.  What’s that?  I thought you were a music industry pro.  Yep, still cranky over here.

Keep the Enemies Closer

And look it would be super cute with boots too!

Melissa’s What Happened:  Jacqueline and Caroline stop in at Posche for a little shopping and to compliment Kim’s new weave.  Kim D tells them she’s booked the fashion show and would like them to come but worries about the seating.  At least Caroline recalls the drama that usually unfolds combined with what has happened in Napa and wisely takes the high road.  Jacqueline tells Caroline she has a play date with Teresa.  She says that after the trip everything seems fine with them and they are in a decent place (according to Teresa).  Caroline doesn’t care if Teresa sits next to her.  She can completely ignore her.

Rachel:  Here’s the thing, I have been at tables/parties/events where there were people in attendance that I had less than good vibes with.  No one’s weave got pulled out.  Nobody ended up screaming hysterically in the middle of the party.  No tables got flipped.  At most there was some stink eye and everyone went on about their business.  So, can’t Teresa & Caroline just be left to their own devices instead of pushing them into situations where everyone around them is jockeying for a fight?  I mean why do you need to put the two of them at the same table?  Why?  Yeah yeah, so we have something to watch.  I know.  But seriously, I’m exhausted by them all right now.

Non-Play Date

I’ll just be back here where no one sees me.

Melissa’s What Happened:  While Milania is busy tatting herself up to get ready for company, Jacqueline arrives with Nicholas for the play date and comments how awkward it is in her confessional.  Unfortunately, she’s hoping it will become comfortable after a while.  I’m thinking not until you have something useful to offer, like another trip.  Melissa joins with her kids and they all head outside to play while Jacqueline looks on from the swings.  Even Melissa picks up on the awkward tension but doesn’t want to get involved and risk her friendship with Teresa.  Teresa thinks Jacqueline is acting distant and doesn’t have time for it.

Rachel:  Wait, did they bring a water slide blow-up castle thing to the house for a play date?  Remember when kids just ran around the backyard?  And really, Jacqueline, why show up if you don’t want to be there?  Save everyone the time and energy.

Let’s Work

Happy kid. Happy mom.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Lauren opens the doors for the first time on her new place.  Lauren realizes going into business with a family member changes relationships as she and Caroline plot how to rework the space. I’m super happy for Lauren and hope this makes her realize all the good things she has to offer instead of measuring herself against her brothers.

Rachel:   Look, Lauren Manzo is smiling!  It’s a Rosh Hashanah miracle!

Do You Smell Something?

I’m really not sure what it says because I can’t see it.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Oh, there’s Ashlee via Skype telling Jacqueline her gas bill is high because her stove won’t have a flame, but gas will still be coming out so she has to make sure it’s all the way off.  Are you kidding me?  Keep a straight face, Jacqueline.  Wait, who is paying for said apartment?  Even better, she left the gas running for 3 days?  Yeah, I’m thinking this is a ploy for more money because there’s no way in hell that apartment didn’t go up in flames with a 2 day gas buildup.  She’s in PR and experiencing lots of new things… including a new tat… or several.  Right, she’s an artist so the tats make sense.

Rachel:  Oh yeah, I totally forgot about Ashlee.  I see she hasn’t gotten any smarter.  But hey, she has a job so that’s a start.  I would like to go off on the tats, but alas, I cannot as I am a victim of some poor ink decisions myself.  Whoops.

Posche Fashion Show Day

Melissa’s What Happened:  At Melissa’s, she remarks it’s been a year since the last show.  Awesome math skills.  Poor Kathy shows up and is already preparing for drama at the show.  Melissa is ready to move on from Kim D’s comments because she was willing to apologize.  She still isn’t sure the motive behind it (Oh I know this one!!), but she’s going to go.

 Rachel:  Ah yes, the “Kim D motive” foreshadowing.  Yes, George, we will find out sooner or later.  Much sooner than later.

The Motive

How do I use this information to get my brother all to myself?

Melissa’s What Happened:  At Allure Salon, Kim and Teresa head in to get their hair done for the show.  They meet Angelo the PR Manager for the salon who escorts the ladies upstairs for their hair and makeup.  Teresa is hoping the hair and makeup doesn’t look weird since she’s used to getting it done at home but Kim insisted she join her (wonder why).  And here it comes, my friends.  Angelo returns with champagne for the ladies and drops the “small world” that he knows Melissa from his gentleman’s club.  First of all, is that how the PR guy is supposed to act in the salon?  Really, because I’m thinking it’s a bit of a no-no, but then again I’m not a Jersey native.  Ugh Kim, could you be more transparent and bitchy?  At least Teresa asks him not to talk about her sister-in-law and wants to drop the conversation much to Kim’s annoyance because we all know she loves to stir the pot.  Kim disingenuously says they’re done, but then still demands the details while in front of Teresa.  Nice Kim, way to show your class.

Rachel:  That Angelo just looks like a scumbag.  I think the pinky ring screams it.  And there it is… Melissa was a stripper.  Could Kim D be worse at hiding the fact that this is all a huge joke to her? I do have to give Teresa credit for sticking up for her sister-in-law.  There’s a first.  Probably a last.  And you know I hate giving Teresa credit for anything.  Wait, did Kim D just say Melissa went from porn again to born again?  And how many times does Teresa have to say that she doesn’t want to talk about it, Kim?  Oh right, if Kim doesn’t get Teresa riled up then there might not be an incident at the fashion show… And if there’s no incident at the fashion show then maybe they won’t show it next year.  We’re all wise to your game.  It’s so clear that this was all pre-meditated.  Kim, you need some acting lessons.  The one time her whole life Teresa is trying to do the right thing and she’s getting egged on by the skanky Kim D.  Or maybe Teresa’s in on it… But we know I won’t go and look it up so I’ll just have to wait until next week.

The Show(down)

I don’t think that Italian book was right. Maybe I should return it.

Melissa’s What Happened:  Poor Melissa heading into the lion’s den totally unaware.  She knows everyone is in a really good place and there isn’t anything that can ruin it.  Well, there’s always Kim D. willing to give it a go.  Kim of course wanted Teresa to sit with her, but instead put her with Kathy, Melissa, Caroline, Lauren and Jacqueline while she’ll be at the next table.  Kim doesn’t foresee anything bad and wants to put on a nice little show – methinks at Melissa’s expense.

The ladies all arrive and it’s kisses all around.  HA, I’m loving that little impersonation of Kim, Melis.  You just took a leap forward with me, girl.  The rest of the groups arrives and it’s still as tense as can be.  Pete Giudice is there and greets all the ladies.  Holy gene pool those boys look alike.  Kim stops to tell the ladies she’s about to start the show and doesn’t want any aggravation from them.  Wink wink nudge nudge.  That’s her job.  As expected, Angelo stops by to say hello to Melissa.  Melissa covers herself with the old “I know I know him from somewhere” to Kathy.  Here’s the thing, Teresa, why not just pull Melissa aside and tell her what happened during the day?

Rachel:  I really wish Kim would stop with the innocent act.  It’s making me feel even sicker.  Dear Lord Melissa, what are you wearing?  Where do they find these outfits?  Oh right, Posche.  Wait, so these women are going to complain about men being there and they’re without their husbands too?  Kathy, call Ramona from RHONY.  She’ll commiserate with you.  And here we go, scumbag Angelo is in the house.  I swear I’m waiting for his forked tongue to slither out of his mouth.  But really, Melissa, the whole “Oh how do I know him” routine is pretty transparent.  What’s the saying?  Oh yeah, methinks thou doth protest too much. And thou doth protest a lot.  But nothing good will happen tonight.

Bottom Line:  

Rachel:  You mean to tell me we’re going to have an hour of this next week?  Well, should be interesting to watch this go down because for once it seems  Teresa might not be behind the shady.  Am I being naive?  Perhaps.

Melissa:  Perhaps indeed my dear.  I’m seriously done with this show.  Melissa was a stripper?  GASP!  Move along, what’s the big deal?

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5 responses to “Real Housewives of New Jersey: A Bald Canary Sings

  1. I think Tre was involved in strippergate. I think she wanted to out Melissa, while making herself look like the supportive sister in law. Like its a huge stretch to imagine Melissa on the pole. If Mel was Dean of Admission at Harvard Medical school, than yes, some good scandalous fun! But Melissa’s kids are going to take the brunt of t

  2. teresa.look how you hurt everyone for your own selfish fame.So is satan your only friend now! Telling the truth is not easy for you,is it? Maybe,you are the one hurting your parents. Did you fall on your head as a baby? That might explain why you are so evil and nasty pagent queen in that green gown.Oh yea, can I borrow your eyeshadow that you accused Melissa of wearing. She is 100% prettier than you anyways.Your makeup looks like Tammy Faye Bakers,you do know who she is.Let your ghostwritters do some research so you can see pictures of her.

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