One Sentence Summary: The elusive Dina Manzo returns to the Housewives “set” to support Teresa’s latest endeavor.
Rachel: Is it over yet? This season feels like the longest season ever. I think The Long Winter that Laura Ingalls lived through was actually shorter and less painful than this. Seriously, I don’t care anymore about who’s selling stories and whose cookie recipe Teresa published in her cookbook. I don’t. I’m so sick of the petty bickering and people who hate each other hanging out because they need more camera time that just the thought of another hour of this brings me damn near to tears. Can we just spin-off the Manzos and give them a show? I mean I’d watch that all day. The rest of the crew… Meh. May they go the way of The Situation – an annoying but fading memory.
Melissa: Auntie Dina is back!! Well, in my imaginary world she’s my aunt and we spend awesome Saturday afternoons browsing antique shops, hunting lamps and rugs for my house before we stop off at a little bistro for some bubbly and then the husbands have to come pick us up. Then I’m too hung over to help with dinner at Auntie Caroline’s for Sunday dinner and Christopher throws ham at me because I’m not drinking. Yes, I truly do have a rich fantasy life. I’m almost obsessed with Auntie Dina, mostly because I want her hair. No, not scalping her or anything, but I was just saying to the other WB just this morning how much I love her hair and teeth. Anyway, we’re back after a little holiday (and much needed) break from the NJ ladies just in time for Teresa’s Fabellini launch.
Back to School Blues
Melissa’s What Happened: After the trip, Joe Gorga makes breakfast for the kids the morning of Antonia’s first day of school. Melissa and Joe sit down to discuss what happened in Napa and Joe thinks Caroline ruined the last day of vacation for them. Joe also once again tells us he’s going to back up his sister. Personally, I can’t wait until that comment bites him in the ass he’s so fond of showing us.
At Teresa’s, it is finally time for Milania to head off for her first day at school. The rest of the house seems less than thrilled to be getting up and ready. She bellows to Joe to make sandwiches, but he’s still passed out in bed. While shuttling all the kids around Teresa shares her worries ofwhat will come out of Milania’s mouth at school. I have to say, I think that’s the first intelligent thought to ever escape that brain of hers.
Melissa’s quick with the video camera to take pictures of the kids heading off to school but not quick enough to get the kids to the bus on time. Um, why the hell are you strolling instead of driving the kids to the stop like every other parent whose stop isn’t their driveway? I literally live 2 driveways away from the stop and I still drive my child. I’m insanely lazy, but that’s not my point here.
Joe Giudice thinks it was a good trip until the last night and the attack on Teresa… and doesn’t care why she wants to be friends with Caroline… and needs to shut up talking about it. Way to immediately start in at 6 minutes acting like an asshole, Joe. I’m sorry, but if my husband talked to me like that… ooofah! I mean suffice it to say he typically sleeps with one eye open anyway, but there’s a level of respect that needs to be in place in a marriage, and Joe you ass, you know nothing about it. Not happy enough to just attack Caroline (and her hair) he has to go after Kathy too and compares her to a stress doll whose eyes pop out. Somehow it spins back around to Joe’s faithfulness. Oh yes, Teresa, try to dispel the rumors that your husband is cheating on you… Go ahead… You’re absolutely right, he’s such a loyal man. You’re such a lucky girl.
Rachel: How much butter is Joe putting on those pancakes? Your kids are going to be on cholesterol meds by the second grade. Really? Caroline ruined the last day of the vacation? Are you sure you want to stand by that statement? Yeah, I’m thinking that one is coming back to haunt you – kinda like those pancakes in about an hour. Teresa, you ought to be worried about what comes out of Melania’s mouth. Love that Joe is making sandwiches, but can’t make it to the bus stop to see the kids off on their first day. Such an ass. And are they really discussing Caroline’s hair? Worry less about Caroline and more about the fact that your husband just told you to shut up. Whoa, did you just say that everything your husband says is true? Then I guess you really are a bitch wife and a c-word. Hey, he said it, not me.
Time to Grow
Melissa’s What Happened: Victoria is stressed about getting into college and Rich thinks it’s Kathy babying her. She doesn’t know how to do her own laundry? I don’t care how old school you are, you need to teach your kids some basics for life. Victoria decides if she’s going to go away to school, she’s not just going 30 minutes away. She wants to head to Maryland. Kathy still isn’t convinced that college is a good thing, I think. She never went, so she doesn’t really get the whole striking out on your own and finding your way in the world. Rich loves the idea so he can have some naked alone time with his wife. Ew, thanks Rich.
Rachel: Going away to college isn’t something you see everyday? Is your house located in 1950? Kathy, listen to your husband.
Difference of Opinions
Melissa’s What Happened: Jacqueline stops by Melissa’s and tries to cover up her “sleeping” during the argument in Napa. Her thinking is that she made peace with Teresa and didn’t want to jeopardize the progress they made. Melissa tells Jacqueline how bad she felt for Kathy over Teresa’s toast at the table, but hopes Kathy didn’t really notice. Um, what?
Meanwhile, Teresa stops by Kathy’s to pick up her shoes she left by the hot tub in Napa. Kathy, of course, thinks it’s going to be sunshine and happiness. Sadly, we all know how that’s going to turn out. She asks Teresa how she thought the trip was, and questions being left out of the toast, again getting Teresa’s back up. Kathy reiterates why she was trying to be supportive of Caroline during the argument, but wanted to sit with Teresa so she didn’t feel ambushed by everything. Way to show your backbone, sweetie.
Melissa, as well, wanted to stay on Teresa’s good side & not start issues with her. Jacqueline doesn’t think an apology from Teresa would work for Caroline at this point. Ya think? Any apology from Teresa is completely half-assed and only to make her look good for the cameras.
Teresa claims she never really hung out with Caroline but more with Dina and Jacqueline. That’s fine, but why then are you writing about her in your cookbook? If you’re not “friends”, don’t put her in the cookbook.
Jacqueline knows her boundaries with Teresa, but hasn’t heard anything from Teresa since she’s returned and is frustrated by the lack of communication. Again, this ain’t rocket science… Teresa works for the cameras. You don’t help her with more air time, so she doesn’t get anything from your friendship.
Teresa tells Kathy she wants things to be good with the two of them and when Teresa has an issue she’s going to speak her mind. We get that. You’re all about speaking your mind even when your mind is in orbit. Kathy reminds her she should be allowed the same when it comes to Teresa. HA, there you go again, wishing for rainbows and unicorns.
Rachel: Oh I seriously thought Melissa was serving Jacqueline meatloaf with Mint Milanos. Turns out it’s banana bread. That makes more sense. Uh, how could Kathy have not realized that she was left out of Teresa’s toast? I’m pretty sure she understands basic English. That wasn’t a difficult concept to grasp. And I don’t think Caroline is hurt. I think she’s done. Anger doesn’t always come from hurt. Sometimes you’re actually just pissed off.
Kathy, please stop kissing Teresa’s ass. It’s getting pathetic. Scratch that. It is pathetic.
Moving On Up
Melissa’s What Happened: Melissa stops by Caroline’s to chat while she plans her move to Sirius radio. I say good on you Caroline, way to leverage the local radio gig. She’s still not sure about what she’s going to do and shows off her planning board about the issues that arise with families and friends. Melissa questions if Caroline is really finished with Teresa. I know you’re new to the show, but let’s take an objective look at the situation. If Teresa weren’t your family, would you put up with her shit? Didn’t think so. Melissa tells her she doesn’t think Caroline was right to play victim against Teresa. I don’t think that’s really the case, but go on with your delusions, Melis. She tells Caroline to remember they aren’t in high school. Teresa apologized and Caroline should accept it. No she shouldn’t, but I’m not going to try to argue with you. Caroline isn’t going to allow herself to be beat up by Teresa any longer. Amen Caroline, time to move on.
Rachel: Oh just shoot me. Is this entire episode just everyone rehashing what happened? Yeah, really Melissa. She’s done. Why is that surprising? And did you just tell her she’s being high school? How about she just doesn’t like Teresa? It’s not just about what she wrote in a cookbook. It’s her entire being. She doesn’t care what you do. Don’t worry about what she does.
Melissa’s What Happened: Teresa gets Milania ready as Melissa stops by before the Fabellini party. Hang on, she’s there to help watch the kids? Wait, Teresa can’t hire a sitter for the night so her SIL can come to the launch party? M’kay. She takes the girls off for manis and pedis. Hey now, maybe I need to make Melissa my new Auntie and we can go get spa treatments together after I’m all drunk from spending time with Auntie Dina. Melissa tells the girls that nothing can break their bond and they are like sisters.
Rachel: Wait, Melissa isn’t invited to Teresa’s Fabellini party?
What’s the Capitol Building?
Melissa’s What Happened: Kathy’s family sets off to the University of Maryland for the first college tour. Rich attempts his usual banter with the tour guides and tries to come off charming. Poor Victoria can’t get any questions in with Kathy’s questions. They visit a sample room that is pretty much the standard for anyone who has suffered through dorm life.
HA, I think maybe Victoria might need to focus a little more in school if she thinks the Capitol is the White House. That was almost cringe-worthy from a parental perspective. I’ll admit though I chuckled a bit and rewound the dvr to make sure I heard it correctly. I’ll give her a pass since it’s a big white building and I like Victoria. Rich tells the kids how fortunate they are and that they need to take advantage of opportunities and not being afraid to take the next step. Kathy finally thinks it will be a great opportunity for Victoria.
Rachel: This show has ADD. Every scene is like 30 seconds. Look, Kathy, as a fellow woman, I know what it’s like to gain weight & try to still squeeze into clothes. But at some point, you have to give up and either push away from the table or head out to the mall. You have not worn a pair of pants or shorts or a skirt that hasn’t been clinging to you for dear life in about 10 weeks. Stop. Please. Well, I’m glad Kathy’s daughter is now aware of how “whoa” college is.
Melissa’s What Happened: Caroline heads for the radio show with the family and they all marvel at the opportunity to work for Sirius. I think Caroline is questioning bringing the whole family to her show. I don’t necessarily blame her.
Rachel: Oh hey, we’ve stopped talking about the Napa trip and are back to Lauren & her weight. Zzzzzzzz…….
Blood and Water
Melissa’s What Happened: Dear Lord, Joe Giudice is already up to his antics in front of the step and repeat. Teresa decided to only invite close friends and family (I guess SIL Melissa doesn’t fit into either of those categories). Oh, Jacqueline wasn’t invited either – color me completely not surprised. According to Teresa she hurted her. No, not a typo, hurted. Anyway, sorry… Teresa is still “hurted” by Jacqueline, but all is good because Auntie Dina is about to show up. What an appearance she makes by tripping on the red carped taking down the step and repeat.
In the studio for her Sirius launch, Caroline finally kicks off her new radio show with the whole gang. Unfortunately, it seems the lines aren’t really ringing off the hook. I’m talking crickets. Sadly, I would have totally listened to Auntie Caroline and called in. I could have had the RV scoop months earlier. In an attempt to spark ANYTHING, Caroline starts ad-libbing with Albert who is completely stuck for words. Finally on a break, the producer suggests ideas for questions and how to try to get people to actually call in.
Rachel: Nice that Joe is finally being nice to his wife. Oh right, it’s an event where she’ll make more money for you to freeload off of. I like that she says she’s only inviting a few close friends and family… and then there are like 250 people there. But not Jacqueline even though they buried the hatchet… I guess it’s only friendship when you want something out of it, like a trip to Napa. She “stabbed” you before that and you were “alive” enough to make that vacation. Did she just say “hurted”? Every time Teresa abuses grammar, a Mensa member sheds a tear. Ha, Dina rolls her ankle on her way in. Good.
Well, this is awkward. Aw, someone call Caroline!
Melissa’s What Happened: Dina showed up to support Teresa, and Jacqueline questions why Teresa and Dina have gotten closer as the fighting with Caroline gets worse. Of course Teresa brings up the gossip to Dina. Dina seems to take it all in, and tells her life isn’t always wonderful. Deep.
Speaking of Caroline, she finally gets her first call asking what the worst fight was on the RV trip. Caroline says she had to make a decision about a friendship and when to walk away. The next caller puts her on the hot seat asking about her relationship with Dina. Caroline hold Teresa responsible for the damage in her relationships including her issues with Dina. Hey, do we know what caused the issue with Dina? Why aren’t they speaking?
Meanwhile, Dina doesn’t think what Teresa wrote was offensive. Dina thinks it’s silly and Teresa didn’t do anything to Caroline. Teresa is completely validated by Dina’s agreement with her and her actions. Teresa thinks she gives the best advice and doesn’t want the stress to give her wrinkles. The two end their staged conversation with giggles and hugs and promises to be the best friends ever. OK Auntie Dina, I have to question this behavior. Why are you turning on Caroline?
Rachel: Can’t blame Caroline for being tired of fighting. Gets old fast. Honestly, I don’t want to hear you fighting anymore.
Yeah, I gotta tell you that Dina is really making me sick right now. Whatever your feelings are, that’s your family. Stay out of it.
Rachel: That was terribly boring. Wait, there’s more? Please tell me next week is the last week, right?
Melissa: I guess we’ll see how loyal is to Melissa next week when Melissa’s “past” is called into question by a skeevy looking gent who claims she worked for him dancing in his gentlemen’s club.