***Pics posted later***
One Sentence Summary: It’s time to crown the victors and dole out the dough to the best player of them all.
Rachel: Well, here we are kiddies. The moment we’ve all waited for… the finale. Nay, not just the finale. The most disturbing finale of all time! I really hate that I’m excited to find out what that means, because it’s never what we think it is. It’s usually something far less exciting and not remotely on the same page as most shocking. But disturbing… Oh, disturbing is a new adjective. Whatever could that mean? I guess there’s only one way to find out. But first, let me say that I do have one prediction that I’m going to lay out for you all here so you can make fun of me later when I’m totally wrong… I am going to bet that Rachel doesn’t call Michael a bad name (I say that because I don’t remember what name she actually used and not because I’m trying to protect your delicate ears… or eyes). I think it’s in reference to someone else. Furthermore (like my opening statement terminology?), I think that when Michael says that he didn’t come on Bach Pad 3 to find a wife, he follows it up with something like, “but I did.” Boom! Take those predictions to Vegas and bet it all! OK, don’t. Maybe just pour yourself a drink and watch the shenanigans go down with the rest of us.
Melissa: OK, so I’ll admit, I can’t wait for the most shocking, most disturbing finale ever!! We’ve seen from the previews that Michael turns into an ass and makes Rachel cry. Tony drops to one knee. But the gasps are saved for something even bigger. Could it be that Chris comes in with a collagen lip implant? Wait, he stops being so douchetastic that people like him? No, what about Emily comes back and slaps him in the face for I don’t know… Something? OK, odds are no on the above so I’ve (generously) poured myself a cabernet sauvignon and I’m ready to be shocked and disturbed. Bring it BP Bitches!!
After All The Roses
Rachel’s What Happened: OK, I just watched the intro preview again. Scratch everything I said above. I have no idea what’s going to happen tonight. So, I’m just gonna keep my pie hole shut with the predictions and follow the bouncing ball like everyone else.
So we get the intro and there are a lot of boobs up on that stage. And what on earth is Jamie wearing on her head? This is the Bachelor Pad reunion and not a casting call for La Vie En Rose. I didn’t think she could get more bizarre. I was wrong.
Cue montage of tears, drama & booze… Oh, and kissing. Erica says she knows the whole game is about lying and manipulating. She says she’s not good at it though… Say what? Speaking of lying, Kalon, “the master liar”, and Lindzi are still going strong. Lindzi says he was overlooked on Emily’s season. Uh, someone grab a dictionary for the girl. Clearly, she doesn’t know what “overlooked” means. I’m pretty sure that’s not what happened. But before she blinds us any further with those overly white teeth smiling away, Erica lets her know that Kalon has been out around town with other women so she should be careful. He doesn’t deny there being other women but says the women are just friends. Ah yes, #3 on the Top Ten List of BS Things A Man Will Tell You To Prove He’s Not Cheating.
Melissa: What annoys the hell out of me is the entire season recap with the whole “people who were voted off” intros. I love the nothing noise for the twins when they are introduced. But hang on, wtf is up with Jamie channeling her inner Disco Pocahontas? Girl, who the hell let you walk into the studio looking like a refugee from Solid Gold?? I could really do without the montages. I get they’re going for something like the “journey” everyone has had in the pad. Um Blakeley, what’s an emotional banana sandwich? I mean I like the phrase and I might use it at some point in the future, but I need to figure out what it is.
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for Michael, who has quite the “king of the castle” thing going on, to talk to us about his time on the show. But first… another montage. Oh… my… I don’t think we saw that scene before. The one where Michael tells Erica that he can’t picture dating Rachel outside of the house. Dick! Are you being a jerk to women now to prove you’re not soft after Holly embarrassed you on national TV? If you are, here’s a piece of advice: Don’t. That’s all. Just don’t. It doesn’t work on you.
Michael says that Erica Rose taking him down is not something that he holds against her. She was right to do it, though her comments about Holly being smart to leave him were harsh. And while I thought that too, I’m thinking I’m about to have a change of heart. Seems Erica was under the impression that they were going to get each others backs being the only alumni on the show and missed the memo that that was no longer the case.
Back to the relationship thing… No Michael did not come to the Pad wookin pa nub. He was looking for a good time. Last time on the show, not a good time. He thought the thing with Rachel was like a summer camp relationship & that she was on the same page. No you didn’t. You absolutely knew she wasn’t on the same page. But hey, she’s cool with it. Or she’s not at all cool with it as Jaclyn lets it be known, but nice try, Michael. Wow, now you look like a weasel and ARE a weasel. Well done.
Oh, and clearly my huge prediction was wrong. Don’t mind me. I’ll just be over here eating crow.
Melissa: OK, I’m just gonna ask because it’s been bothering me, but how short is Michael? Oh my damn. He just said to Erica he wasn’t interested in Rachel. Wait, how did we miss that the first time around?? Grrrr, I don’t know what short stack thinks he has that gives him such a pompous attitude. I don’t want to call him a douche because we’ve had such stellar examples in the past, and I get it’s BP, but still there’s a HELL of a Napoleon complex going on there.
Rachel’s What Happened: Jaclyn relives her journey and wishes she had done so many things differently. One of which would be to have gotten rid of Rachel long before Rachel got rid of her. She feels betrayed within the game and in life. This was her best friend and Rachel eliminating her is unforgivable. Of course, in the next breath, she says she forgave Rachel but she’ll never forget. So, it actually is forgivable. What it’s not is forgettable. Just keeping everyone honest.
Jaclyn doesn’t know how her vote is going to go. As if the producers would let her tell us 30 minutes into the show. All we know is that she thought she was set. Chris lets her know that the minute you think you’ve got it, you’re gone. She thinks she controlled the game, not Michael, and there was no way in hell she’d get eliminated. And that’s why you got eliminated. Bitter much?
Wait, no Ed? No conversation about that mess? What up with that?
Melissa: Aw look at her and the recap of her falling for Ed who wanted nothing from her other than a place to put his junk while he was at the pad. Sorry if that was crude to some, but I’m going to call it like I see it. Oy woman, it’s Bachelor Pad… There are no loyalties in the Pad.
Rachel’s What Happened: Ah, Blakeley, the girl I couldn’t stand at the beginning that I found myself rooting for at the end. Mostly because I hate Chris and that whole my enemy’s enemy is my friend thing. Plus, I kinda think she & Tony are adorable together.
Chris wants to know why Blakeley & Jamie don’t get along when the issue should be with No Lip Magee. Yes, that is what we are calling Chris from here on out, NLM. Blakeley says she has no issue or beef with Jamie, but they’re just not friends. Jamie goes to respond and insult Blakeley but manages to insult Ryan in the process… You know the sweet virgin that keeps getting blindsided for no reason. I feel bad for him. But before he can defend himself, Jaclyn tells Jamie that she’s fake. Listen, Jamie’s not fake… She’s a banana.
OK, back to Blakeley who tells us through tears that she feels like she can really trust Tony. She can be Blakeley with him and she doesn’t know what she did to deserve him. Wow, I would not have picked them as the couple to make it… but I kinda like that they are the one that did.
Tony chimes in and says that he fought her putting him in the friend zone a good three time before she finally gave him a shot. Now for an announcement from them… They’re in love and they’re…. moving in together! How almost romantic! I can’t begin to imagine Blakeley living in Portland. I wonder if they make flannel halter tops. Oh wait, they’re not done… Sorry. Tony gets on one knee and proposes with a Neil Lane ring, natch. She says yes. Aw, ain’t love grand? Hey, and if doesn’t work out, she can hawk the ring for cable.
Melissa: Yeah, what ever happened to that donkey punch? I held on episode after episode for that punch. Girl, you never came through on the violence for me. I do love how she and Tony smile when they show them talking about each other, it’s really sort of cute. I really do like these two. An announcement! Moving in? No… I need the knee drop. I’ve seen the previews, give it Tony!! Wait, is she the only one that doesn’t know what’s about to happen? Way to put a girl on the spot, Tony. Hey, wasn’t that one of the extra rings from Bachelorette? Aw, good on them. Hope they make it. It takes a special guy to turn me around to Blakeley.
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh right, we’re here to give away $250k. I thought we were watching After The Final Rose for a minute. Enter the final two couples: Nick & Rachel and NLM & Sarah.
We start with Rachel. She starts with Michael. She tells him that she’s confused because he was into her and all of America saw it. Over here raising my hand. I saw it. She trusted him and he said a lot of loaded things to her like “I haven’t felt like this since my last relationship.” After the show, he went cold & ended things. He said he liked her & pursued her but after the show he realized he wasn’t in love. So a long-distance relationship was a huge step he wasn’t willing to take. He said that with as much emotion as someone ordering a burger at the drive-through. Try and be a little contrite, douchebag. BTW, she’s probably the hottest girl you’re ever going to get.
Wait wait wait…. Just wait… You mean to tell me that he’s been in a long-distance relationship with someone in Chicago and he’s sitting here saying he didn’t want to do long-distance again? Oh right, you meant not with her. Yeah Rach, you got strung. Badly. He finally admits that he wasn’t honest & upfront on the show. Ya think? Girl, suck it up and move on. He’s lame. Way lame. You can do so much better.
And then there’s poor Nick. The also-ran. Though he said he felt like Rachel was “stuck” with him, he also planned all along to fly under the radar and stay out of all the drama. His hand are clean. And his hair is still bad.
Now No Lip Magee… He says watching the show on TV was tough for him, his family & his friends. Hey, haven’t we been here before? A reunion show where you’re apologizing for your behavior? Maybe that’s something you should spend some time on? Time and money… as in therapy. He says he knows he’s going to hear it from the girls, but he already heard it from his father who told him that’s not how he was raised. He also told him no pierogie for 6 months. He says the game got a hold of him but he was just trying to get over Emily. World’s smallest violin. Jamie says she thinks Emily got lucky seeing through him because he’d not have made a good father to Rickie. You said it. He disagrees. The audience… Team Jamie on that one. Or should I say Team Rickie.
Questions from the Padders for the finalists – Jaclyn wants to know why Rachel didn’t fight harder for her. Rachel says she felt really low and she fought tooth & nail to keep her & Ed. Nick gets her back on that. He says they have to realize it’s a game and not taking them was their best chance to win. I can’t believe that needs to be explained. But it does. Rachel is sad. She cries. Jaclyn is sad. She cries. Chris says it’s a lot of drama. She’s gonna give Jaclyn the money, isn’t she?
And 2 minutes after NLM says that he’s sorry, he says he’s not sorry for playing the game. Okaaaaaaaaay… do you hear yourself when you speak? But before I can call him dumber than a bag of hair, Blakeley lets him know that he might have wanted to think about that considering they’re the ones voting. Good Lord man, you are a dip shit. And arrogant. And Sarah, shhhh. Stop defending. It’s not going to work out well for you. Oh and by the way Chris, you can’t apologize and then say you’re sick of hearing it or you’re more sorry that you had to hear it from your dad.
Melissa: Side bar… We still have an hour left?? Where’s the bourbon? Sweet Mary, Rachel, it didn’t work out. Guess what, you’re not the first woman to be duped by a guy. Odds are that you won’t be the last either. Damn, not cool Mikey, getting caught saying you don’t want to be in a long distance relationship, yet have one with someone else. I have to ask though, why are you so crazed about it Rachel? Channel your inner bitch and tell him to F himself. Move on, win the money and then rub his nose in it. Childish yes, but helps lift the spirits.
Chris, yeah, you made an ass out of yourself and you’ve embarrassed your family – no big shocker there buddy. I hope your family ripped you a new one for that douche attitude you’ve had all along. I’m going to call BS that it wasn’t what you intended to do… BS indeed.
Seriously can’t we bypass all the questions? Hey, is it just me or did Rachel get prettier in the off season? Spray Tan, extensions? What is it? Of course Chris doesn’t regret his behavior, that’s clearly been your MO all along and you just forgot you were in front of cameras. You can’t regret things you can’t change Chris? Sure you can. You can feel remorse and badly about the decisions you make.
Rachel’s What Happened: Oh thank the lord… Here is the count…
Rachel & Nick votes: Michael, Jamie, Ed, Blakeley, Reid, Lindzi, Donna, Tony, Jaclyn
Sarah & Chris votes: Kalon, Dave, Erica
No one else’s votes get counted since they won before they were all shown, which means poor Ryan once again gets left out of the sandbox. But Chris tells us the remaining votes were all for Rachel & Nick. I’m just glad No Lip Magee is done. Wait, how the hell do we still have half an hour? There had better be a 20-minute montage of bloopers.
Melissa: Really, why the hell would anyone vote Chris and Sarah? Thankfully Nick and Rachel made it to the final. Now it’s the big decision… Keep vs. Share. Hey now, does Nick double cross Rachel and that’s the behind the scenes we get teased with?? Now THAT would be some brilliant shit. BRILLIANT.
The Final Final
Rachel’s What Happened: Now we have this stupid final part where Rachel & Nick decide whether to keep the money for themselves, share the money with each other or totally eff up and give the money to the housemates if they both choose to keep it. This part totally bugs. Just give them the money and let us go to bed. And no bloopers… just chatter. I popped this popcorn for nothing.
Now, the final final moment. I have a feeling Nick’s keeping the money. This would be my third incorrect prediction tonight if I’m wrong. I clearly am no good at this guessing thing, but yet I can’t stop myself from doing it. Rachel picks SHARE. Nick picks…. Wait for it… Wait for it…
He’s so picking keep….
And he picks… KEEP.
Why? Because he got there on his own. Because no one ever got his back. Because Rachel tried to bail on him three times. And because he can.
I’m sorry that is a freaking genius move! I’m hysterically laughing. This is not the most disturbing finale ever. This is the most fantastic finale ever! Is this where we say, “Don’t hate the player. Hate the game.”?
The Padders calm down from their shock and weigh in. Jaclyn says that Nick doesn’t deserve it. Kalon, in what may be the first thing to come out his mouth that makes a huge amount of sense, reminds everyone there that no one actually “deserves” the money. It was a game and they were fortunate to play it. Can I get an amen!?!
Did Michael just say that Nick is ignoring Rachel while she’s hurting? Kalon could you please also explain “pot calling the kettle black”? And I love that an audience member calls Michael out for not being exactly sympathetic to her feelings.
And now Rachel is chasing Nick down backstage and telling him to man up and talk to her. Girl, let it go. You got beat. Nothing more than that. You put all your money on black and the wheel hit red. Whoops.
Melissa: I love the forced drama of the decision… Should I? Shouldn’t I? OK, still 20 minutes to go so there must be a whole show down and Nick rolls over her with a KEEP to her SHARE. THERE IT IS! Well played, Nick. Well played. I want to feel badly for Rachel, but it’s a game, and it’s the Bachelor Pad. I have to hand it to him, he played the game. We all know that’s the end goal and he called it, no one said they really wanted to share the $250K.
Rachel: Poor Rachel. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.
Melissa: I love everyone’s judgement on Nick. How did that logic serve you guys?