One Sentence Summary: Aviva & Reid arrive in St. Barths to an underwhelming welcome, which The Countess is happy to use as a distraction from her own drama.
Rachel: Seriously, I haven’t been this excited for a RHONY since Scary Island with Kelly and her bag of Gummi Bears. Finally, we have something other than Ramona screaming at Heather to entertain us for an hour. That’s right, we have one lady pretending no one noticed that she brought home the poor man’s Johnny Depp the night before and another lady who is arriving to a party with a husband that is less than welcome. And that, my friends, is good time for me. I’m so convinced that this is going to be some good stuff that I’m watching it sober. OK fine, I’m watching it sober because I’ve essentially had an IV of liquor & wine going into my body all weekend and I’m trying to dry out before the work week starts tomorrow. You know it’s been a lot of a lot of drinking when I leave half a glass of Honey Jack on the table undrunk… undrank… not drunk… you know what I’m trying to say. So yeah, I got tagged out of the match & am watching from the sidelines tonight, but I feel OK about it for now. Talk to me when Aviva comes off the rails and see if I feel the same.
Melissa: OK, hopefully 3rd time is the charm here in the North Jersey offices! Monday was a proper Winey Bitch send off to the Summer Season (read: lots of Sangria Flora… LOTS). Yesterday was spent in the dark listening to Tornado warnings wondering how to get 3 dogs and a child hunkered in the basement so we wouldn’t go a twisting off to meet the great and powerful Oz. But tonight is a different story. Tonight I spent the early evening happily sipping some house Burgundy while my son enjoyed his back to school lobster dinner (I would love to know how many 7 year olds want lobster for their celebration dinner) and I’m ready to catch up on the craziness in St. Barths. Let’s see how LuAnn gets out of her “Italian friends” story.
Don’t Bogart The Tomas
Rachel’s What Happened: And we’re back at the party with the ladies and one very popular Tomas who is trying to quote LuAnn’s song “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” He’s having fun. Now it’s Ramona’s turn to have her kind of fun, which means pulling him aside, while he’s on the phone, and trying to pry information out of him. Thankfully for the Countess, Tomas isn’t taking her bait. But that never stops our resident pit bull who follows him around the house like he’s Willie Wonka about to give her the golden ticket. Ramona tells us that she’s not trying to nail LuAnn to the wall. She’s just having fun. Yeah, my BS detector is going off. She also says that LuAnn is single so she can have all the fun she wants. You know, last I checked, she wasn’t single. Just because there’s not a ring on it, doesn’t mean you’re not in a committed relationship. Cheating’s cheating. And I’m pretty sure that if Mario pulled that while they were dating, she would have pulled something on him until it snapped off.
They rejoin the party and the conversation turns to French men and how they are not bisexual. If they have a menage a trois, it is only with two girls. Really? Someone had better let Christian Lacroix know that. He’s been under the impression that he’s bisexual for quite a while, poor confused chap. But I’m sure that Tomas would like to believe this so as not to have to defend his penchant for makeup. Then again, that just helps play up the Captain Jack Sparrow thing he’s working. But hey, it worked for LuAnn and it’s clearly working for Sonja so who am I to judge. Oh right, I’m a Winey Bitch, that’s who I am.
Tomas is so that guy who lives among the tourists and enjoys them to the fullest every chance he gets, if you know what I mean. Wink wink nudge nudge. And I think tonight it’s Sonja’s turn to get her fill. Honey, just use protection. That is one dirty penis right there. And off go Sonja & Tomas into the night complementing each others asses. Man, the cougars are wild on this island.
Melissa: Man, Ramona is seriously all out to get Tomas to ‘fess up on his fling with LuAnn. Yes, I’m with the ladies that a little hibidy-dibidy happened, and I’m OK with it. At least for LuAnn’s sake he’s staying mum, which can’t be an easy thing to do when faced with the Ramona coming at you like a tilt-a-whirl. OK, so tilt-a-whirls don’t really come at you, but they both make me nauseated, so work with me friends. How the hell did LuAnn’s friend remember Carole? That’s a damn good memory, someone’s been taking her ginko biloba. Man, Tomas is quite the playa isn’t he? Ladies, who cares who LuAnn brought home? No offense Sonja, you really want LuAnn’s seconds?
We’re the Fab Five, Six Won’t Do.
Rachel’s What Happened: Sun up on another beautiful day in Paradise. It’s Ramona’s day of fun and she planned a boat trip. Heather tells us that she & LuAnn heard some commotion last night in one of the spare rooms and walked in on Sonja & Tomas. Now come on ladies, you heard “commotion” and you couldn’t figure out what it was? You just wanted to get an eyeful of the dirty dirty going on in there. Then there’s Carole who straight up calls Sonja out telling us that she got the goods from Tomas in the derriere. You know what I never needed to know? That. Could have gone on happily with my life without that information. Um, do we say congratulations?
The girls drop anchor and do a little swimming in the ridiculously turquoise water. And it seems the “mojo” between them all is good. Even Heather & Ramona are getting along, which can only mean one thing…. Ramona needs someone to pick on. And since Aviva is the only one not there, she’s the obvious candidate. That’s right, her showing up now will only serve to upset the delicate balance they have worked three whole days to achieve. Cue Aviva…
Melissa: Ramona picked a boat ride for the day? Sonja’s bruises? Oh, that’s totally something I’ll not be able to un-hear. Thanks Carole, I thought we were cool? Still, ew on Lu’s seconds. Anyone else realize it? Hell just froze over and Ramona is turning on Aviva for Heather.
Flight Neuroses Now Boarding
Rachel’s What Happened: Yep, we jump right to Aviva and Reid getting ready for the flight from St. Maarten to St. Barths. Oh, and we have an additional fear to add to the list of insanity: fear of an island. Yes, that’s right. Not only is she getting on a propellered death machine, but she’s flying to an island which means she’s isolated and far from help if something should go wrong. Can we just build her a bubble and leave her in it? Look, I don’t like the small planes either, but she’s off the charts with her crazy neuroses.
And off they go with Aviva listening to Chaka Kahn to calm her down. You may have thought it was a Stevie Wonder moment, but no, Chaka wins the day. Needless to say, the two land safely in St Barths and Reid is very proud of her for making it. Be proud of the pilot. He’s the one that got you there. Not Aviva. And as much as I love Chaka Kahn, she didn’t have boo to do with it either. Can we listen to Stevie now?
Melissa: Please Aviva… you and your phobias are seriously getting on my nerves. Here’s the thing, you’ve had one life altering accident, I’m thinking the odds are in your favor that nothing new will happen to you.
Turn This Boat Around Immediately!
Rachel’s What Happened: Back on the boat, Ramona & Sonja have done a costume change for lunch. Wow, I’m so uncouth that I didn’t realize we don’t dine in the same bathing suit we swim in. Well, now I know. And as if that isn’t ridiculous enough, Ramona is angry that the staff had the audacity to serve them lunch in the sun and now she’s perspiring. I mean how can you not have a canopy set up for them or at least turn the boat around?! You know, since it’s a two-second process to raise the anchor and just flip the boat around. That and YOU’RE ON A BOAT! So, one of the staff actually stands there holding up a towel to shelter them from the sun. You know he’s dying to just grab Ramona by the throat and throw her overboard. Lord knows I am. At least the conversation between Heather & Carole about the loss of Carole’s husband brings some balance of depth to the shallow water that is Ramona.
Melissa: Ramona you’re for real getting annoyed about sitting in the sun eating lunch? Don’t even get me started on the wardrobe change for said lunch. OK, I’d be up with Heather and Carole right now laughing at you crazies trying to figure out a way to accidentally lock you below.
I Like To Be Prepared. I’m A Safety Girl.
Rachel’s What Happened: Now that Ramona has a new nemesis, she must create drama around it and goes to find an alternative home in which to stay should Reid & Aviva ruin her carefully crafted mojo. She takes Sonja with her to the local real estate office to make sure that she has options for her and Sonja… Oh, and Heather will probably want to come with them too. You think Heather wants to move to a new house with the two of you? Wow, Ramona, you’re more delusional that I thought… And I didn’t think that was possible.
Melissa: Ramona will rent a house for 2 days? Talk about crazy. I would love to peek into the minds of the people who have to deal with these housewives and their antics. Seriously, how long did they laugh after the camera crew left?
Hurricane Aviva Hits The Island
Rachel’s What Happened: Night falls on St Barths and Sonja & Ramona decide to go skinny dipping. Hmmm… the fact that Reid & Aviva are showing up any moment wouldn’t have had anything to do with that decision would it? You know, just to prove that having a man around is a horrible distraction on their girls’ weekend? And as they pull up to the house, Ramona says that she’s planning on inviting Aviva to get naked & join the girls. Yep, didn’t take a genius to see where she was going with that one. Meanwhile, Carole is going to see Russ’s rehearsal before dinner and anyone can join… anyone not naked, that is.
The Dreschers arrive and Aviva lets everyone know immediately how hard it was for her. OK, well I’ll give Ramona this one, she can be a bit of a Debby Downer. But she came bearing gifts so she gets points for that. And Reid gets points for making it known that, while he is staying at the house, he will be doing work all weekend and leaving the women alone. Good call, sir. Good call. This pleases Sonja, which she has no problem telling Reid to his face. And the filter doesn’t return any time soon as she tells Aviva that their conversation the night prior was about how she can’t be without her husband for two days. Ramona can because she has Sonja with her, but they’re ok now that Reid is not planning on playing with the girls. Aviva would just like them to thank Reid because she had to beg him to come to which Ramona essentially guffaws. Yep, guffaws. Aviva would like to know straight up if Ramona has anything negative to say about Reid being there. Well, more like demands to know. Ramona is less than pleased with the tone. Here we go….
Ramona says she thought it would change the dynamic. Aviva says that they know if he was coming it was only because of her anxiety problem. Yeah, the whole world knows, Aviva. And then our neurotic friend goes completely off the charts and is demanding that they go upstairs and hug Reid for bringing her. OK lady, take off the drama hat and calm down. These two didn’t do anything wrong… yet. Just give them a chance and they’ll serve you up something to really get annoyed with, but right now you’re just cray cray. Deep breaths, Aviva. Deep breaths. It doesn’t help that LuAnn throws them under the bus when she says that they wanted her to ask Reid to leave. Did you need to go there LuAnn? Oh right, you did. It’s a distraction from your screwing around on your boyfriend. No one’s talking about that anymore. Anywho, now Aviva is yelling at Ramona, telling her that she heard she was a mean girl & calling both her & Sonja white trash. Now there’s screaming and blaming and pointing and hysteria. Wow, that’s a whole lot of bananas right there.
Ramona storms off. Sonja storms off. And then Aviva storms off. I feel like I should storm out of the room too in some fake righteous indignation, but I’m comfy. Maybe I’ll storm to the bathroom during the next commercial break. Aviva’s storming takes her to Reid whom she tells that she would like to go to a hotel. Carole comes in to find out what’s going on & is told that her house guests are ungracious. You know, it’s not their job to be thankful. It’s your job. You’re married to Reid, not them. Carole says it’s just them lashing out because they’re not in control of the situation and she should let it go. Very astute observation, Carole. I knew there was a reason you’re my new BFF.
The rest of the girls rally around Aviva and convince her to stay. Heather says if she can do it, so can Aviva. Amen. Downstairs, Ramona blames the entire fight on LuAnn saying she started the whole thing. Well, she didn’t start it. It was already sparking. She just threw a quick splash of gasoline on it to make sure it blazed.
Melissa: We all know Ramona’s stripping down in the pool to make Reid feel uncomfortable and want to leave. I like that Aviva at least arrives with gifts, that’s a very nice gesture. Smart man Reid, running as fast as you can away from the ladies. I would claim “lots of work” too if I were you. Wait, Ramona are you trying to claim that you don’t get drunk. Sweetie, you’re usually drunk at least once an episode. Lord Ramona, you need to take it down a notch because I’m inclined to agree with Aviva here on your behavior… The whole season really. Way to toss blame at LuAnn Ramona, you’re insane and acting out because you din’t get what you didn’t get your way – we’re wise to your antics. So what if Aviva’s husband came? Sure, it’s changed the dynamic because you’re being a freak about it, but he’s off in a room somewhere not bothering you at all. Get over it. To that point Aviva you need to chill and have a shot or something. No one needs to be thanking your husband more than they did when you arrived.
Sonja tries to calm Aviva down, but it goes terribly wrong when they drag Carole into it. My God these women are crazy. Look, I get where Sonja’s coming from. Inviting men to a girls’ weekend changes the dynamic. It does. Period. So, Aviva, you owe them an apology too for not being able to get on a plane by yourself because you make it your business to play the victim. Sonja, you need to realize that if you want Aviva in the group, you will, by proxy, have Reid in the group as well. And you need to say you’re sorry for not giving Reid benefit of the doubt to be smart enough to not infiltrate girls’ weekend. He agreed to stay in his own room and not bother anyone so why are you all still fighting????
And in what can only be categorized as a miracle, Ramona becomes the peace maker. She comes in, apologizes, eats crow and diffuses the entire situation. Too bad she didn’t do it in time for Carole to make it to the rehearsal. Assholes. Oh sorry, Sonja’s still mad at Aviva & Ramona is still mad at LuAnn. So there’s only pseudo peace. You see, Sonja’s turned a corner and she doesn’t need any new friends – aka untrustworthy and unbalanced Aviva. For women who drink that much, they sure are wound tight.
Melissa: Goodness sakes women, this is absolute silliness. I can’t believe Aviva is insisting the ladies celebrate Reid’s getting her on the plane. What the hell did Ramona take in her room because that is not the woman who was flipping out a mere 5 minutes ago. Not to mention Sonja’s meltdown.
Light & Fun
Rachel’s What Happened: The girls make it to Bagatelle without anyone losing any fake hair or eyelashes in a brawl. This isn’t New Jersey you know. They toast to fun with Patron shots and I’m scared for the other people in that restaurant. I’m pretty sure they shouldn’t be drinking Patron in their agitated states. They might be playing nice nice to each others faces, but the second Aviva hits the ladies room, Ramona is telling Carole how awful she was to her & Sonja. Of course then there’s Aviva making digs about Ramona to Carole because she is relentless when she’s pissed. Carole lets her know it’s a bad quality and I’d like to second that emotion. Carole also thinks she should apologize for calling them “white trash”. That ain’t happening either. Yep, that toast to fun went far.
Melissa: I like Heather’s dress! Ha, it’s funny that Ramona is trying to take control of the entire dinner… That’s right, it’s her day to plan the activities and that includes seat assignments. I can only imagine how insane this evening is going to get. Well, especially since Aviva seems to be holding on to the “white trash” comment.
Rachel: Yeah, I take back my excitement over Aviva’s arrival. I was expecting it to be a moment of drama, not two entire episodes which it looks like it’s going to be… at minimum. Le sigh…
Melissa: I am starting to feel bad for this trip. That poor island will never be the same once the housewives leave.