One Sentence Summary: Two teams get sent packing and two teams head to the finals.
Rachel: I think I’m making a very big mistake watching this madness after RHONY and Gallery Girls. I am pretty sure my brain is so worn out from all the crazy over on Bravo that this is going to just be a whole lot of torture. First of all, Chris is still here. Thanks ABC for manipulating the game so that happened. I know you don’t think that we are dumb enough to believe that it was just a coincidence that the vote changed the week Chris was going to get voted out. Oh wait, you probably do think we’re that dumb. I mean we are tuning in to this show week after week, so you do have a point there. Hand me my dunce hat, I’m ready to watch.
Melissa: I’m playing a little catch up as I was kicking back with some Sangria Flora saying a proper Winey Bitch farewell to the summer season Monday night and missed out on all the action in the Pad. Gotta say though I’m thinking I was the winner in that toss up. Unfortunately Tuesday was spent in the dark on the husband’s ipad reading through tornado warnings for my area. Tonight I finally get to visit the padmates. We all know I’m less than thrilled we’re still stuck with the lipless wonder that is Chris. At least I’ll be able to sip a little liquid enthusiasm in the form of Two Hands Angel’s Share Shiraz. Plus, there might have been a little ridiculous pumpkin pie martini at dinner. I love fall, if only for all the “pumpkin” options, but you don’t really care about my pumpkin love, so back to the recap.
After the Roses
Rachel’s What Happened: Four couples are left and Chris is giving everyone a toast about how privileged they are to be there. Privilege? I don’t think that’s the right word. But it’s all about partners and he & Sarah have chemistry. On the other hand, Nick & Rachel have no chemistry so they are at a disadvantage. Helping Chris drive that point home, Rachel is now spouting off to the crew about how hard it is for her, but she’s thankful that they all supported her in staying. She really does want to be there. Awesome, does that mean you’ll stop crying and calling yourself a widow now?
Melissa: I can’t believe Rachel is still wining about Michael being gone. How is it tough? You need to get your head in the game woman, there’s a quarter of a mil on the line. Sheesh, what grade are we in? I also don’t like that the turn of events has me liking Blakeley now.
Hanging By A Thread
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for another challenge and time for Chris Harrison to tell us, yet again, that they’re one step closer to the $250k. We had no idea. Today’s challenge is going to be different. There won’t be a rose but there will be an elimination. So, pack your bags kiddies, two of you are going home today. Everyone is shocked. Guess you didn’t watch last season when the exact same thing happened after some really embarrassing Cirque du Soleil-esque performances. Well, and since we saw video of the next challenge in the previews, I think we can figure out who’s going… No? Weren’t paying attention? OK, I’ll keep my pie hole shut.
The Padders pack their bags and put on their swimsuits for a very ridiculous looking challenge. I love that they are constantly coming up with new ways to humiliate them. Each couple will choose one person to sit in the swing suspended above the pool. The other person will answer Bachelor/Bachelorette triva and for every wrong answer one of the ropes holding the swing in place will be cut. Three wrong answers and you are now hanging by a metal bar… hence their clever “Hanging By A Thread” game name. Clearly the guys should be on the swings… Well, maybe not Tony. I think Blakeley might actually be stronger than he is. The couple that wins gets to pick which couple is going home. Rachel decides that she should go on the swing. Really? Have you seen the guns on Nick? She’s the only girl up on the swings, which doesn’t bode well.
The questions begin and Blakeley is falling behind fast. Tony is the first guy “hanging by a thread” and he doesn’t last very long. Next to hang is Rachel and she lasts about 10 seconds before falling to the pool. That leaves Ed & Chris on the swings, but Jaclyn misses and now Ed is hanging for his life. Pretty much Chris has this in the bag unless Sarah misses the next two questions. She misses the next one, but it’s irrelevant as Ed falls into the water. Guess you should have been lifting more weights and less cocktails, Ed. Chris & Sarah win & now get to choose who’s going home. Everyone’s nervous that they’ll get picked, but let’s be honest, they’re sending Blakeley & Tony home. Oh sorry, is that not obvious?
Sarah & Chris celebrate their power by rolling around on top of each other in one of the cabanas. How fun for us. But after we hear Chris talk about how he’s regained his power (gag), he & Sarah discuss the pros & cons of keeping each couple. Sarah says she feels like Nick would bring them into the final two if they sent Rachel & Nick home. They feel badly about sending Tony home since he’s a stand-up guy and Ed & Jaclyn are well liked all-around. Blah blah blah, just pick someone already. They’re finally ready to make their picks, but Chris H. has to open it up to commentary. Lord, now we have to hear these fools kiss Chris’s ass.
Finally, after a commercial break, we get an answer. Oh wait, no we don’t. Chris has to give a speech too. He says that no one other than he & Sarah believed in them. They got there on their own and that’s the truth. And he just prattles on from there like a bitter ex-lover. Finally, he sends Blakeley & Tony home. All that build up for zero surprise. The two of them should have just grabbed their bags & bailed as soon as Chris won. There was no part of him that was going to even consider another couple. He’s not the Grinch and his heart wasn’t going to grow three sizes that day.
Tony & Blakeley leave in the same limo and she feels like she let them down. Tony feels like he let his son down. He was on this show to make his kid’s life better. OK, seriously, I have to question the people that keep going on these shows to try and win money to take care of their kids. How about you stay at home with your kid and do your job! You had one before you came on the show… maybe you should have kept it.
Melissa: Hey now, a couple gets the boot after the competition? That’s awesome! Let me begin the chant now to get Chris sent home. What the hell is that contraption? How in the hell do these producers figure out these competitions? I swear, is next season of Bachelor Pad going to be the Hunger Games version? HA, poor Nick has to use his brain and not his arm… I’m assuming that’s his way of referring to brawn… That should be good. I can’t believe Sarah and Chris won. UGH, I really can’t stand these two. Here’s the thing, don’t the past contestants get to vote on the last couple? Come on Chris, STFU. I’m about done with you and these little I’m so awesome speeches of yours. Well, no shocking surprise with that decision. Chris has been itching to get rid of Blakeley. At least they let them leave in the same car. Maybe those two kids can really make a go of it.
Rachel’s What Happened: And then there were 3 (couples). Jaclyn would like a little reward for all the hard work they’ve done like a dinner out. LOL… That’s hard work? Really? And ABC isn’t in the business of making it easy on you. What fun would that be for them… or for us. So, suck it up kiddies. Time to get your rock on for a spot in the finale. The fact that Nick is in the running is hilarious to me. Talk about falling upwards.
The Padders arrive at the Palladium in Hollywood and are treated to Night Ranger performing “Sister Christian”. Hilarious. And awesome. Let me tell you, singer dude still sounds pretty damn good. That’s his name, singer dude. The competition for a spot in the finale will be the final three couples performing the song for a live crowd and Night Ranger will be their judges. Oh boy, as much as that cracks me up, I also am fearful about hearing these fools sing. If Chris sings as well as he dances, you might want to hit pause and find yourself some earplugs.
The Padders get 24 hours and a vocal coach to learn the words & some moves for the stage. The moves should be pretty awesome to compensate for their lack of singing ability. I don’t care how much time they spend with the vocal coaches, they’re still going to ba-low… and isn’t that part of the fun. And wow, Sarah might have the worst voice I’ve heard since Roseanne sang the Star Spangled Banner. Chris thinks they are the frontrunners. Dude, you’re sitting next to Sarah. Did you not just hear her sing? Sarah says she’s not as good of a singer as she thought… Wait, you thought you had some kind of ability? Jaclyn & Ed are frustrated with this challenge, but this is the most important 24 hours of her life so she needs to just push through. Haven’t gotten out much in your life, have you, Jaclyn?
The Padders show up to throngs of screaming fans waiting outside the Palladium. I find this especially funny because the Palladium was the view from my old office and I parked in their parking lot every day. I cannot imagine seeing this go down live and in person. Now, that would have been comedy. But enough about my random life. Let’s get motoring.
Sarah thinks Chris looks like a sexy rock star… Uh, he has on a torn up t-shirt, and other than that, he looks like… Chris. The other couples went all out on the costumes so you lose on that front. Hey, turns out the lead singer of Night Ranger’s name is Kelly Keagy. Personally, I like Singer Dude better. Anyway, let’s get this over with…
First up, Rachel & Nick. She actually holds her own vocally. Nothing a little auto tune couldn’t work out in the studio. Nick rolls in and kills it. Who woulda thunk it? They get a standing ovation from Night Ranger. A good sign. Next, Ed & Jaclyn. Jaclyn did the Catholic school girl costume which was an awesome call. Too bad they totally forgot the lyrics to the song. Wow, you couldn’t even work out the chorus? I’m going to say the dry humping isn’t helping the situation either. Finally, Chris & Sarah. Oh Lord, they let Chris dance in public again. Sarah isn’t much better – she looks like she’s being electrocuted – and neither is her singing. But she thinks it’s good that they can at least hold a note… Where exactly are you holding that note? But they did rock it out as best they could, which means they might have a chance. Bastards.
Time for judging… Night Ranger is pretty complimentary to Rachel & Nick. Less so for Jaclyn & Ed. Yeah, forgetting the lyrics is a bad call. Mixed reviews on Chris & Sarah. I think one of the guys was trying to be nice when he really wanted to say “WTF was that?”
The votes are in and…… drum roll….. Rachel and Nick take home the roses and a trip to the finals! I think Nick being in the finals might be the most shocking moment in Bachelor Pad history… or at least this season. They get to decide who’s going with them. Can we please send Chris home now? Please… though they’re in a much better position to win the money if they take Chris & Sarah to the finale with them. Who’s going to pick them for the prize money? Jaclyn is crying and nervous that her BFF won’t take her to the finals. You know, their entire friendship is riding on this. Actually, $250k is riding on this. Is your friendship worth that? Is it? Probably not.
Melissa: Singing with Night Ranger… How awesome is that?? OK sorry, I jest. I do love the old guys rocking out like they’re still in their 20s though… That’s just fun to watch. Hopefully no one will throw their back out reliving the glory days. HA, Chris Harrison: “No, they’re going to be terrible”. Oh Chris, you have your moments of brilliance and it makes me like you. This warm up is fantastic. I think they purposely want them to look absolutely stupid. Of course no one is feeling confident, that’s the point of Bachelor Pad you ninnies, it’s to make you look like an ass so people will continue to watch. I wonder how many dogs and cats they had to chase away from these studios.
All I can pray for is that Chris and Sarah don’t nail this. Chris turned his body into a giant cheat sheet… Hope it sweats off. Holy Jaclyn’s boobs. Girlfriend is going to be in trouble if those things get loose. To that point, who the hell designed / picked these outfits?? Ouch Rachel, I’m scared for you. Oh, let me clarify, I sound like 2 cats fighting when I sing, but I keep mine contained to the car. I’ll give you all props for having the balls to rock it out on that stage, and being the first ones to hit the stage. HA, OK… So Nick and Rachel were full on rockstars compared to Ed and Jaclyn. I thought this was Ed’s running anthem? I mean you can flub words on occasion, but you might want to practice a bit. Oh, and yes I’m totally allowed to be all Judge Judy on my sofa. That’s the perk of this job. Yikes, wait, Sarah let Chris dance? Shouldn’t that have been part of their performance plan?? Yeah, my vote is going to Rachel and Nick. OMG Sarah, are you having a seizure? Sarah honey, they were laughing AT you, not with you. Are you kidding me that Chris and Sarah were the most fun Mr. Night Ranger man? I thought she was channeling her inner Regan McNeal, I wanted to call a priest for an exorcism. Color me thrilled Rachel and Nick won and are headed toward the final. I’m so happy to see you miserable Chris. It might be bad karma on my part, but I’m sure I’m not alone in this one.
What Say You?
Rachel’s What Happened: Nick knows that the eliminated Padders are going to choose the winner of the competition so it’s imperative they bring the right couple with them. Well, then you bring Chris & Sarah. Basic math people. There seems to be some thought process with Ed, Jaclyn & Rachel that the obvious choice is to ax Chris & Sarah because they’ve been winning competitions and they’re the biggest gamers in the house. Uh, yeah, but the competitions are over, geniuses. Now it’s likability and no one likes Chris. Sarah Shmarah… No one ‘s giving Chris the money. Not on my watch, at least. Yeah, I don’t know what that means, being that I have no say or involvement whatsoever. Nick gets it. Now he just has to convince Rachel. And he tries… hard… but she’s not giving in. Sweetheart, it’s a game. Get over yourself. If this were real life, I’d be all about the friendship. But it’s not. Don’t screw your partner over. If you didn’t want to take it to the end, you should have left when you were in mourning like a good widow would have.
Melissa: I wish there was a write in option so that the viewers could get a say. At least Nick gets how the voting happens. Rachel on the other hand seems to be completely oblivious that you need to go with who you think you can beat out come decision time. The only thing that annoys me is that Chris the pompous ass will make it to the Finals.
The Rose Ceremony
Rachel’s What Happened: Here we go. Will the all-mighty dollar win out over friendship? And will Jaclyn realize that Nick isn’t picking Chris because of friendship? Friendship in general isn’t in play here. After a lot of talking that I didn’t much pay attention to in all honesty, Rachel & Nick pick Sarah & Chris.
And let the crying begin. Rachel is in tears. Jaclyn is in tears. No, I’m sorry, she’s sobbing. And woo, not a pretty crier. Rachel apologizes to Jaclyn and gets a very cold shoulder followed by some nasty words in the limo. Really nasty. Bleep or no bleep, we can figure that out. And not to rub salt in the wound, but let’s note that Jaclyn got almost not love from Ed at the elimination & is also riding home alone. Damn, double whammy. There’s a lot more back & forth between how badly Rachel feels and how pissed off Jaclyn is, but the bottom line is that Chris & Sarah got her vote. Will that be enough? Oh well shall see…
Melissa: Why do we have to draw every decision out with speeches? Why does Jaclyn equate not getting picked to losing her friend? Come on, you know how the game goes woman. It’s not about friendship at this point, it’s about who you think you can beat. You would have made the same decision if it was you, don’t act like a bitch. What, if you won you were going to share your money with her? I’m going to go with a big old NO on that one.
Staying: Sarah & Chris and Rachel & Nick
Who’s Out: Jaclyn & Ed
Rachel: Well, I am now dying to see what the hell goes down next week with those previews. Damn you, ABC! How do I still let you tease me this way???
Melissa: I’m with you on that one Rach, I can’t wait for the most shocking, most disturbing finale ever!! You Bachelor Pad bitches with your awesome teasers! I almost want to search out spoilers just to find out what shocked Chris Harrison.