Real Housewives of New York Season 5, Episode 13 – Pirate Booty Call

One Sentence Summary:  The ladies head to St. Barths where LuAnn’s French comes in very handy.

Letting it all hang out in St. Barths… As usual, Sonja takes it literally.

My Thoughts:

Rachel:  Sigh, time for the ladies to head to St. Barths and wreak havoc on paradise.  I’m feeling like I should have poured myself a second glass of pinot noir tonight before attempting to watch.  And by second glass, I mean opened a second bottle.  I mean I get that drama is supposedly what draws us all in, but it’s getting to be too much.  I seriously have no patience left for Ramona.  I really just think she’s a bad person being rewarded with a TV show for bad behavior.  Yeah yeah yeah, what would I write about if she wasn’t around to annoy me?  I know that’s what you’re saying.  And what I’m saying is please just let me figure that out for a minute.  All I’m saying is that I much prefer Jill’s drama to Ramona’s drama and I think they voted the wrong Housewife off the island.  There, I said it.  I miss Jill.  I do.

Melissa:  Oh that’s right, the ladies are off to St. Barths and we get to watch the wheels finally come off the friendship bus.  I can wait though, truth be told.  I don’t think I can take any screaming tonight.

Wheels Up

Welcome to my humble abode.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The ladies make it St. Maarten to catch a tiny commuter jet to St. Barths that lands on a short runway after a steep drop.  Why not just stay in St. Maarten?  It’s quite lovely there.  But this isn’t my trip so I’ll just come along quietly… which is what Carole is wishing the other ladies would do as well.  After Ramona starts bugging her about getting the second master suite, she puts on her headphones and ignores the chatter.  She’s also trying to not focus on the loss of her best friends (JFK Jr & his wife Caroline) in a small plane crash.  That still makes me so sad, so I can only imagine how Carole feels.

They land safely, hop into their cars and head to the ridiculous estate where they will be staying and disturbing the silence.  I wonder if Sonja will leave her bags in the driveway again waiting for someone to bring them in yet assuming they will steal everything inside them.  Holy fancy living!  That place is ridiculous.  And can someone sign me up for a weekend with Jean-Baptiste, the chef.  I’d eat anything that man cooked.  OK, seriously people, you need to tell all your friends to start reading Two Winey Bitches so we can work ourselves a vacay a la the Housewives.  Of course you’re invited!  Just leave your info with our assistant and we’ll get right back to you with the details….

Sonja & Ramona decide that they need the master suite because they have to get ready together & that takes space.  Carole just decides to give her the suite so she doesn’t have a tantrum.  Sad when you have to deal with a supposed adult with kid gloves.  Nothing can spoil a trip faster than a bad travel partner.  At least Carole is smart enough to take the guest house for herself.  Heather spots a second bedroom and grabs it for herself.  That leaves LuAnn up in the house with the moron twins.  Poor thing.

Damn you cameramen!  You get everything on tape, but you miss Heather running face first into a glass door?  Come on!  Look, we’ve all done it.  I’ve done it twice.  It’s always embarrassing and it’s always funny.   Heather has a sense of humor about it too saying she’s always wanted a nose job.  Love a lady that can laugh at themselves.

Meanwhile, Sonja &  Ramona, or Samona as Heather brilliantly dubbed them, are already in the pool and ordering the staff around.  They’d like some pink champagne.  They get regular champagne and send it back.  Who sends back champagne?  Snooty little princesses.

Melissa:  Oh I hate those planes!!  I totally get Carole’s panic, PLUS the headphones are a great way to block out the ladies.  I love the place they are staying at.  So wonderful and peaceful – well, that is until the ladies arrive.  For real this place is awesome and I want to go away, like right now.  Wise move ladies staying in the bungalows… Very wise indeed.  Oh shit… A busted nose on vacation??  Wait, when was LuAnn a nurse?  Hey now, I get you asked for PINK champagne… But who the hell sends back a glass of champers??  That violates the first rule of Winey Bitches – you never say no to a cocktail.  Wait, or is it no one talks about Fight Club?  I get confused some times.

Sundown

Dear Lord, these ladies are so going to embarrass me in front of my boyfriend.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Wait, this house comes equipped with an Enomatic wine system?  OK, now I’m jealous.  Fine, I was jealous before but now I’m bubbling over with jealousy.  I’ve wanted to open a wine bar with those machines for a few years now.  I have my marketing plan all figured out… Just need that pesky thing called money.  Well, dare to dream, right?  Sonja compares the sizes of the wine pours to the size of their breasts.  Always keeping it classy Sonja.

LuAnn & Heather show up to cocktail hour and Sonja asks about Heather’s nose.  Ramona doesn’t like that since Heather is the enemy and reclaims her property.  That property is Sonja and it is announced to all by Ramona reminding her that she is wearing her ring and that means they’re married for the trip.  Seriously?  She gets more childish by the moment.  Not that her betrothed is any better complaining that there is no “dip” for the spring rolls, which actually translates to “What do you mean he has a date?  I thought he was here for my enjoyment!”

Sonja asks Heather how long she’s been with her husband and then says she was with her husband for 10 years too.  But she’s turning over a new leaf and acknowledging that it’s over… Are you sure?  Lord knows you love to talk about your ex… though I kind of understand.  It’s hard being the only single girl and it’s hard when someone is such a giant part of your life for any extended length of time.  Most of your stories will revolve around them.  It’s hard to shake it, when there’s no one else taking up your view.  So, I’m feeling you, Sonja.  OK, enough of the violins… Where were we?  Oh right, Sonja’s drunk rantings.  What’s next on this list?  Of course, toaster ovens…

Sonja wants to discuss her shoot yet again with Heather.  The girls try & shut it down, but Heather says to let her have her moment.  I have a feeling you’re going to live to regret that decision.  Ramona busts in to correct the story, which is really to imply that Heather was lying.  Heather lays into Ramona.  Sonja takes back the story and then says Heather wasn’t listening.  Ramona jumps in again and it’s a lot of chatter.  Everyone leaves Sonja & Heather at the table to battle it out.  OMG, Sonja, no one cares about your ridiculous toaster oven!  Honestly, is there anyone out there in TWB-land that would buy Sonja’s toaster oven?  Let me know.

Poor Carole has to bring her boyfriend Russ into this nightmare.  Yeah, I’d take him straight to the bungalow if I were you.  I do love love love that she told Ramona not to say anything crazy to him and to not be herself.  Bwahahaha… Awesome.  And in he walks… enter the madness.  Ramona is an idiot and so is Sonja.  What a surprise.  Russ is a brave man sitting down at the table with these women.  Heather tries to ask him about the festival that he’s playing, but he doesn’t really get a chance to say much because Sonja has drunken diarrhea of the mouth and can’t stop talking about how hot Carole is.  Thankfully, LuAnn senses it might be time to put the drunkards to bed and takes everyone inside.  Of course, Sonja doesn’t make it to bed before almost breaking a glass and hitting on the butler.  Spring Break 2012, Housewife style!

Melissa:  A wine vending maching?  I now I know what I want to put in my basement next to my wine cellar!  No, I’m not joking… I have the perfect wall for it.  I mean even if I didn’t I’d take a sledge hammer to one to make that brilliant contraption happen.  I feel for this staff.  Sonja had years with her ex in St. Barths?  Why does she always bring up her ex?  And Ramona, why must you always jump in and attack Heather?  Geez, what’s up with these ladies?  It’s not like Russ is the only man on the island and you have to attack him.  Poor Carole.  At least they let her have alone time.

Another Day In Paradise

Things that aren’t fair… Carole’s body.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The next morning Carole faces an interrogation from Ramona about Russ’s whereabouts.  Why do you care Ramona?  And what’s with the disapproving face when she says he left late?  I can’t even wrap my brain around that one.  Seriously, more ridiculous as the moments pass.  Apparently, Russ’s presence has made Ramona miss Mario and she wonders if she should invite him.  She thinks LuAnn should bring Jacques and ignores Heather as usual.  So, then poor Sonja gets to be odd woman out of the girls’ weekend because you’re all horny?  Lame.   But Carole steps up and says that she’s always with them and their husbands and never complains.  Exactly.  Let the girl have a night with her guy without it being a competition or a source of contention.  But this is what happens when you invite a narcissist along.  Things are only processed from her point of view.  Why would she have even spent a moment thinking of someone else?

Thankfully, that’s over and it’s time for Sonja’s day at the beach.  Each woman is in charge of planning a day and Sonja is taking them to Tom’s Beach, the hottest beach on the island.  Well, first Ramona has to apply dark powder to Sonja’s waist to make it look smaller.  That’s a first for me.  I want to rip that to shreds, but I can’t help thinking, “Hmm… does it work?”  Anyway, time for some rosé and girl talk about Russ.  Man, I love a glass of rosé on the beach.  Gotta make that happen soon… I mean I live a bike ride away.  I have no excuses.

They head to the beach and Ramona can’t sit still.  She has says she has shpilkes, which for those of you playing at home, is nervous energy in Yiddish.  She’s so proud of her Yiddish-ism that she gives Jewish Heather a high-five.  Well, who knew Yiddish could broker peace.  Clearly, no one in the Middle East.  A group of gentlemen from inside send over some banana rum shots and Ramona says it helps your boobs grow.  Banana rum?  OK, so on my shopping list today is dark powder for my waist and banana rum.  Um, can someone now recommend something so that I can have an ass like Carole’s?  It’s not fair to not workout and have an ass that looks like that.  I call shenanigans on that.

Melissa:  Come on Ramona, seriously.  Let Carole enjoy her afterglow.  Don’t get all bitchy that he’s there.  Ladies, you all need to take a break from your 20 questions about her time with Russ.  It’s not like she goes all Nightly News on you every time she sees you with your hubby.  Holy body, Carole!!  That’s ridiculous!  Thankfully that was a short scene.

Pirate Booty

It all gets blurry from here.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The ladies are getting ready for the dinner that Sonja has planned.  It’s a dance party in Samona’s room where there are enough mirrors for them to admire their own moves.

They head to Le Ti for some dinner & fun.  Sonja knows the owner, and therefore, gets to walk into the restaurant first for a change.  I have never in my life heard so much chatter about who walks into a restaurant first?  Is that a thing?  For real?  And can we talk about the poor man’s Johnny Depp waiter?  I mean I think Le Depp is hot too, but I find it creepy when someone tries to cop someone else’s vibe head-to-toe.  It’s a bit cheesy, no?

The night starts with tequila shots and leering looks at the waitstaff.  Oh it’s going to get sloppy.  And tonight’s entertainment are burlesque dancers, two of them named Ramona & Heather.  Oh wait, I’m sorry.  The entertainment is NOW getting started with the girls dressed up as pirates.  This is hilarious.  Five grown-ass women on a table in pirate costumes gyrating to club music.  Make that four women as LuAnn is off at the bar getting herself a special “pirate shot” with Tomas (aka Almost Depp… and the owner’s boyfriend).

Melissa:   You know what I find funny, the completely different looks these women have for a night out on the island… I’m loving Carole’s look.  I agree Heather, the asses on the burlesque dancers are insane.  Any one of those is the ass I want.  I’d have to do squats 24/7 for the next 5 years.  What’s up with LuAnn all over the owner’s pirate boyfriend?

Walk Of Shame?

You’re not really expecting me to believe this story about you & your Italian friends, are you?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Daylight is upon us and one Miss LuAnn is feeling the effects of her special pirate shots.  Seems she, Ramona & Sonja tied one on after Carole & Heather headed for home.  LuAnn says she had a great time with some old Italian friends she ran into.  Apparently, this is confusing to Heather who saw LuAnn with “a friend”, but he wasn’t Italian.  Adding to the story is that Ramona heard her come home, very late, in a car with a man with whom she was speaking French.  Oh, and it gets better… Heather was awoken at 3am by LuAnn rolling into her room with a man.  Carole finds this hilarious, as do I.  I can’t wait to watch LuAnn play cover up on this one.

LuAnn is now on the phone with Jacques feeding him the same story about partying with Italians as everyone stands around looking confused.  See, here’s the thing LuAnn, you can’t play the “ran into old friends” game when you come home with the new friend.  You have to do your dirty dirty off-campus.  And you also can’t play “what happens in St. Barths, stays in St. Barths” when there are TV cameras pointed at you.  Oh honey, drop the charade and own it.  It doesn’t help your case that you’re now showing pics of him and talking about how hot he is.  Not well played… not well played at all.

Melissa:  Hey now, she brought Tomas to the house?  No, she wouldn’t.  Would she?  Seriously, an entire camera crew and house full of people and you think you can pretend it was your Italian friends?  M’kay.  Go with that.

He’s My Seeing-Eye Husband

Yeah, sure! Come with Reid! Who would be bothered by that?

Rachel’s What Happened:   Carole & Heather Skype chat with Aviva and she says she is going to come for the weekend, only because Reid agreed to bring her down on that little little plane.  Does she realize that if she had just gone with the ladies in the first place, she would have had 10 hands to hold?  I guess they’re not the same since apparently Reid has mystical powers.  Sorry folks, I just can’t get down with women that are this co-dependent and needy.  It’s not cute.  It’s a cry for therapy.  What would happen if God forbid something happened to Reid?  She’d be screwed… and those kids would be screwed.  Deal with your shit, Aviva.  You’re not a child.  Stop acting like one.  Yes, you had a terrible accident.  That’s true.  But you survived so start acting like a survivor and not a victim.  But the girls are happy she’s coming just to witness the madness.

Heather & Carole tells the ladies that Aviva is coming for the weekend with Reid.  LuAnn is happy.  Sonja is silent (and falling out of the scarf she has tied around her breasts).  And Ramona gives us the fakest “That’s so exciting” I’ve ever heard.

Melissa:  ‘Mona’s gonna be pissed Reid is coming with Aviva.  I’m calling now that there will be another Alex/Simon-esque blow up from Ramonacoaster.  I’m sure the ladies will make him so uncomfortable that he’ll book a room  just to avoid the insanity.

Not So Covert Affair

Remember last night when you didn’t come home with me?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Carole, Sonja & Ramona are comparing notes about LuAnn’s whereabouts from the night before.  I’m sorry, I cannot believe no one has called her out.  If it were my friend, I’d be like “Ok lady, spill it.”  Then again, I don’t generally travel with cameramen.  I guess they’re trying to protect the innocent… Being Jacques and not LuAnn, clearly.

Not being protected is Aviva.  Ramona has had time to think about it and she’s not thrilled that Reid will be staying in the house.  Told ya that was a fake poolside yippee.  Sonja’s not thrilled either.  It violates girls’ weekend code.  I’ll agree with that.  It definitely changes the dynamic.  That’s for sure.  But welcome to being friends with Aviva.  Though I don’t get why Ramona is bringing up Russ? He was there one night and you barely saw him.  LuAnn agrees that it will change the dynamic of the house… See!  Although I think she’s more concerned with there now being a male witness to her pirating.  The ladies are plotting how to approach Reid in a passive-agressive way when he arrives at the house.  You know, a gentle way to get him to go to a hotel.

LuAnn then opens her mouth and gives the girls the perfect segue to ask about her little private party last night.  She says that she, Sonja & Heather will be the only women without men if Mario shows up, which lets Sonja then reply with… What do you mean without men?  We heard men’s voices with you last night?  Cue LuAnn’s feigned shock at such a statement as she again tries to serve up the Italian friends story.  Lady, you’ve been caught with your pants down, damn near literally.  Just cop to it.

But no, she calls her friend, Cat, and tells her in French that Tomas with her last night, but no one can know.  Right.  No one other than the millions of people watching this with subtitles and your housemates that all but witnessed the hanky panky.  So what does her friend do?  Brings Tomas to the house.  I’m assuming that LuAnn wanted him to come and thinks her friend will run cover for her, but that is really just the stupid icing on the cheating cake.  I just wish that Bravo would have translated what he was saying as he came in the house.

The “party” is just getting started when we get the “To be continued…” shot.  Damn, this might be the first time in history that I’m sad to see a RHONY episode end.

Melissa:  Why can’t Ramona and Sonja put clothes on?  I mean I get you’re in the bedroom and getting ready, but when you’re on camera adjusting your towel every 5 minutes maybe go grab a robe.  OK, I hate to defend here, but so what if LuAnn wants a little strange on vacation?  She’s not married.  And if you believe any of the rumors, it’s not like it’s something she hasn’t done before.  But wait, how does she think she can just speak French and all will be well?  Just because the ladies don’t speak it, you should know Bravo might have one or two people on their staff who know a smattering of it.  NO!!  Her hook-up comes rolling in with her friend?  Awkward, party of 2.  No no wait!!  Damn it, that was just getting good!

Bottom Line: 

Rachel:  This should be interesting next week when Sonja runs off with Tomas.  I think LuAnn is going to be so grateful that Aviva & Reid show up to turn the focus of the drama away from her.  Way to make me wait 13 weeks for some real juicy drama, Bravo.  This is what I’m talking about… Drama without the shouting.  I like my drama quiet.  Very very quiet.

Melissa:  Oh yeah, things are getting all sorts of fun in St. Barths!!  I can’t wait to hear LuAnn’s side of this one.

Photos:  bravotv.com

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