Bachelor Pad Season 3, Week 6 – How Do You Spell “Moron”?

One Sentence Summary:  Oh dear God, the remaining contestants try to spell.

I don’t even know why I’m still here.

Our Thoughts: 

Rachel:  In a cruel twist of irony, I was almost on my own tonight as Melissa was without power. That’s right, the Winey Bitch who lives in Florida and is getting pummeled by Tropical Storm Isaac has power and the Winey Bitch that has nothing but blue skies for miles does not.  How does that work?  But just when I thought that I would have to put up with yet another week of Chris all by my lonesome, she got her power back.  That really would have been one more reason to dislike the guy.  As if I needed one.  And while we’re on the subject of things I dislike, let’s also note that we will have to put up with Rachel crying for a solid two hours tonight because Michael is gone.  So let’s just get this over with before another band rolls through and I lose power (and patience) as well.

Melissa:  Yeah, lucky me.  Power came back on just in time for the fun!  I can’t imagine what the house will do without Michael there!  I swear though, if Chris doesn’t get the boot this week I might have to stage a coup and not watch anymore.  I’m just putting it out there, kids.  You can’t make me deal with his self-adoration much longer… You can’t! <stomp foot>  I do love though that this week is the spelling bee.  Oh, this is just going to be delicious!

After the Roses

Michael’s gone & they’re making me sleep surrounded by neon yellow. It’s torture!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Well, so I have no idea what’s happening because I’m getting the low-down on the school closings and shelter openings in my area.  The weatherman actually just said “I stuck my head outside” as he gave us the weather report.  Don’t you have a solid $100k worth of equipment in there telling you the weather?  But the good news is that it looks like we’re seeing the end of Isaac in our area.  Anywho…

OK, we’re back and the fall-out of the Erica-Michael elimination is upon us.  And yes, Rachel is crying.  She was falling in love with him and now he’s gone.  Yeah, I know it sucks.  That’s fair.  But you do know he’s not dead, right?  He’s just down the street at a hotel somewhere.  But the pouting only lasts so long as Chris Harrison is back to wreak more havoc on the Padders.   Yes, new name: Padders.  I’m tired of calling them contestants.  Contestants are on The Price Is Right.  These guys aren’t cool enough for the Showcase Showdown.

Anyway, he knows everyone is emotional after the elimination, but this is a game and things can change just like {{finger snap}} that.  LOL. Great pep talk, Chris.  But wait, it’s time for another dramatic turn.  Tonight, there is no more “i” in team.  The Padders will now be voted off as couples.  Dun dun dun…. So get your partnership together and get it together fast.  Well, the only two people not in a couple are Nick & Rachel so… pretty much that’s all the getting it together that needs to happen.  BTW, I pretty much have zero recollection of Nick on the Bachelorette and have zero opinion on him other than he needs a serious hair makeover, but the dude has been screwed six ways to Sunday on this show.  I’m surprised he hasn’t just left at this point.  He looks exhausted and completely uninterested in pairing up with weepy girl.  Can’t say as I blame him.

Oh great, Chris’s giant ego is back.  Gawd, he irritates me.  It’s even worse when he’s super impressed with himself because he totally loses all traces of an upper lip.  Blech.  But the ego will only go so far because he & Sarah are not exactly liked in the house.  Then again, I’m pretty sure I said the same thing last week and here they still are.

Melissa:  That’s what I’m saying. Michael is out of the pad, he’s not dead.  I don’t understand why she’s so “heartbroken”?  Again, not dead.

How Do You Spell Idiot?

Ha ha, he sells luxury items but can’t spell jewelry!  That’s awesome.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for the big challenge.  All the Padders pile onto a school bus, which Blakeley deduces will probably mean their challenge has something to do with school.  This concerns her as it’s not her strong suit.  Oh honey, I doubt you are alone on that one.  Too bad Erica Rose isn’t still around to help you feel smarter.

Chris Harrison meets them and walks them into an empty auditorium. Welcome to the First Annual Bachelor Pad Spelling Bee!  Bwahahaha… This should be awesomely amusing.  Not only do they have to spell the word correctly, they have to spell it as a team.  Yep, they have to spell by alternating letters between them.  This is going to be hilarious.  I feel like it’s our reward for putting up with their shenanigans.  They get three strikes before they’re out of the competition.  They also have guest judges – a panel of children who are three of the top spellers in California.  That’s right guys, make all the Harry Potter jokes you want, but at least this kids can spell Hogwarts.

They start off with the short bus words like “love” and “rose”.  Come on.  Second round gets a bit harder with words like “engagement ring” which Blakley gets wrong.  Kalon gets “jewelry” and “ceremony” wrong.  Dude, aren’t you supposed to be the elite intellectual?  Rachel gets “obsession” wrong.  And it continues.  Quite the brain trust in the room.  Down go Tony & Blakeley.  Down go Kalon & Lindzi… Nick & Rachel too.  Seriously, Ed & Jaclyn, if you screw this up, I’m personally coming to smack you both upside the heads.  And it’s not looking good.  Apparently words like “aphrodisiac” & “boutonniere” don’t come up often in their worlds, though the latter might trip me up too.  Jaclyn screws up “flabbergasted” and it’s down to Chris & Sarah.  Really?  Flabbergasted?  It’s long but there are no crazy letters thrown in there to worry about.  No evil silent “e” or evil-er silent “p”, yet you went with a silent “h”?  Why?  So it comes down to Chris & Sarah spelling “entrepreneur”.  Thankfully, Sarah blows it.  Ooh, it’s sudden death.  Ed blows “soiree”.  Chris blows “lascivious”.  Ed blows “cockamamie”.  Ha ha… I said Ed blows cock–amamie… Ahem, sorry.  Sadly for everyone, Chris & Sarah manage to spell “serendipity” and win roses.  That’s right, one more week of them was just secured.  Ain’t a pair of hands clapping in that auditorium… or this house.   Chris H. tells them that they win roses and a night away from the house.  Jaclyn & Ed win a romantic overnight date for them for coming in second.  Uh, were you not in the room last week when Ed pretty much dissed her?  Way to rub salt in her wound, dick.

Another week of Chris… Pass me a bottle of something. I don’t care what.  Just do it fast.

Melissa:  HA, at least Blakeley acknowledges school isn’t her strong suit.  I kinda like her – the bitch is growing on me.  Plus, I’m really waiting for that donkey punch.  HA, alternating letters too?  This is going to be an awesome competition!!  Man, why do they have to start with such easy words?  Come on… Love?  I mean, it’s my girl’s name, but why not rock some adoration or endearment?  OK, for real, these guys aren’t smart and it’s only round 2?

Please let’s get Chris and Sarah out!  On a side note, how many tats does Blakeley have?  She’s got them on the insides of her fingers too?  I think that’s the first time I’ve noticed those.  Entrepreneur is the final word for Chris and Sarah… and just to prove myself I spelled that without looking.  Yeah, I’m pretty proud.  Soiree too – bring it!  Lascivious – BOOYAH!  I might have bit it on cockamamie.  Oh, and to win with Serendipity (one of my favorite movies), that’s just hurtful!  Consider me stomping my foot this very moment.  Please BP gods, do something, take their roses away or something.  Give everyone a pass this week and make them lose next week.  PLEASE!

I Left My Heart In North Carolina

The champion spellers celebrate with a dip in an ice cold lake.  It’s ok just as long as they don’t have to spell “celebrate”.

Rachel’s What Happened:  The gloating winners, Chris & Sarah, are whisked off on a private jet to what looks like wine country and are met by a train.  Yep, they’re in wine country.  Bastards!  Talk about insult to injury!  They take a walk down to a picnic on the shore of a lake.  Good thing they just happen to have their swimsuits with them under their clothes.  You know, since spelling bees & swimming naturally go together.  They decide to go for a swim instead of eating cheese.  Yeah see, you can’t trust people who abandon cheese.

Chris tells us that he likes Sarah, but he’s holding back because he’s still broken up over Emily.  Yeah, we can tell by the way you’ve been so hesitant to hook up with any girls.  So, he’s not sure if he’s ready to take it to the next level with her.  Good thing she already slept with him before she found out where he was emotionally.  That’s always the smart route to take… Oh wait.

Melissa:  I really can’t stand these two.  I mean for real, I adore Kalon at this point in comparison.  I want them to have a shitty date, maybe get attacked by rabid stampeding cows.

Dear God, they let him dance again!

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for dinner in a barn.  And time for Chris to address his relationship with Emily.  This should be good.  I can’t wait to hear his take on what went down.  Sarah wonders about his dating life since he hasn’t really dated anyone since he was a sophomore.  He reminds her that Emily counts.  I love that she just skipped right over it.  Yes, if we ignore it, it didn’t happen.  He is still smarting from being sent home on the Bachelorette and still reflects on that relationship.  But talking about it with Sarah helps him heal.  Can I please live in the same fantasy land as the Padders?  I mean I think they actually think this is real life.  Anyway, he’s not sure he’s over Emily completely.  Just over her enough to sleep with other women.  Did he just say Sarah’s “my girl on the show”?  Oh, how lucky for her.  This guy’s a piece of work.  But she’s eating it up with a spoon.  OK, lady, keep telling us how awesome he is.  We’re never gonna buy it.  We’re just going to sit here & wonder why these women think Quagmire is hot?

Sarah is like so totally happy and excited to be falling for Chris – the nice guy and the right guy.  She’s the happiest girl in the Bachelor Pad!  This would all be so awesome if you were 16 and talking like that.  But you’re not.  And since we’re on the subject of “not”, he’s also not the nice guy and he’s not the right guy… but I have a feeling you’ll figure that out on your own.  Call me psychic.

Melissa:  Wait, he’s comparing “dating” Emily to a relationship?  Really?  Can it be a relationship when she’s “dating” other people too?  Did he just call her his “girl on the show”?  That’s kind of a shitty snub.  Whoa, they’re eating too?  So they’re going to sleep in the barn?  I mean I’m sure it’s a nice BP barn, but I mean… it’s a barn with hay, and bugs, and possibly poo!!

Back At The House

I am pretty… sniffle sniffle… I deserve love… sniffle.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Let’s see what the mopers are doing back at the house.  Well, Rachel is putting on enough powder under her eyes to cover a black hole while the tears start to well up again.  Jesus, woman.  Take a valium or something before you lose an eye.  Jaclyn, as her friend, has a responsibility to get her to stay.  No, you have a responsibility to get her a scotch and teach her some deep breathing techniques.

That doesn’t happen, of course.  What does happen is that she tells Blakeley & Tony that Rachel wants to go and Nick was never in their alliance to begin with.  Seriously, Nick should just walk out the door when no one is looking and let them all figure out what to do next.  Just come back next year, Nick, and make better choices with your partners, alliances and hair products.

Now, Rachel is whining to Nick about her loyalty issues.  She then she actually compares herself to a widow.  Oh no, you didn’t go there did you?  Lady, please do yourself a favor and shut the eff up immediately.  Your drama is now insulting to people who actually have lost someone.  For the love of all that is holy, you didn’t even have a break up!  He’s just not with you 24/7 and you won’t see him for maybe another couple of weeks.  You miss him?  Fair.  You’re a widow?  No, you’re a twit.  Nick tries to pump her up and tells her Michael would want her to stay.  Poor sweet Nick… You get an A for effort.  Sadly, I think that’s all you’re getting out of the situation.

Rachel continues her sad clown routine with Jaclyn & Blakeley.  She still wants to go because she feels lonely.  Jaclyn needs her to stay, because at this point, she trusts who she trusts.  She tries to persuade Rachel to stay, which makes Rachel feel like, for the first time since Michael left, that she could stay.  These women exhaust me.  That means Lindzi & Kalon are now in the crosshairs.  Not that I disagree strongly with the Lindzi decision.  She really hasn’t contributed anything to the game.  And I’m never going to be sad to see Kalon and his glossy lips go.

Melissa:  OMG calm down Rachel, you’re going to put your eye out trying to put that concealer on.  I don’t get how emotional she’s being.  You must chill!  Oh, look at the ladies turning on Lindzi and Kalon – with a pinky swear too!

I’m Only Temporarily Single

I’m only single while I’m on the show. It’s the “Cake & Eat It Too” plan. Have you heard of it?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Another date with a couple that needs to figure out where they stand with everything after they’ve been shacking up for weeks.  Don’t women have moms that teach them about self-respect anymore?  Oh right, those girls aren’t on reality shows.  My bad.  Ed is hoping to close the ambiguous gaps that are between them on today’s date.

Jaclyn & Ed jet off to the Channel Islands in the tiniest plane known to man.  Jaclyn is freaked out and I don’t blame her.  However, seeing Ed being so calm, cool & collected make her feel better.  And I have no idea if they land safely since I’m now back with Storm Watch 2012 and school closings.  In case you’re wondering, there is no rain on our radar anymore.  That’s awesome.  Now let’s just hope the folks in the path fare as well…

And we’re back with Jaclyn & Ed having their turn at a picnic.  I catch Jaclyn saying what I think is something akin to they’re having fun the way it is so they shouldn’t change it.  I believe that translates to, “I’m really wanting more, but you’re not so I’ll take less than what I deserve because something is better than nothing.”  Ladies, take it from me.  It is not.  Nothing is way better than something shitty… The more you know.  Yeah, wrong network but let’s play along.

Ed reiterates that he’d been pursuing someone at home and it turned into a relationship before he came here.  They agreed to break up for the show so he could come on as a single guy.  That doesn’t mean his feelings for her went away.  He came to this single because he knows that hooking up is part of the process, but he is emotionally still with the girl back home.  Say what?  That is some cockamamie tale telling right there.  Jaclyn says she wishes she had known about the girl.  Ed tells her that she should have asked around because everyone else knows about her.  Wow, so it’s her responsibility to have “asked around” about your dating situation?  Douche!  Girl, you have my permission to push him off that cliff behind you.  If you seriously stay with him other than on a competitive level, you might be the biggest idiot to walk in those mansion doors.  And that, my friend, is saying a lot.  BTW, nice shot of her in the dress she wore at the last elimination crying as if we wouldn’t notice that and think the tears were about this date.

Melissa:  I get that she has a bikini on, but that skirt hardly covers those ass cheeks.  I hope they give these folks valium for these teeny plane flights.  But sadly, I have ‘On The Wings of Love’ in my head.  Thanks, Rach.  Wait, did they just get ditched on a random uninhabited island?  Poor girl is all in over Ed – I don’t get it, but girl is 100% all in.  Um, he’s got a lady back home that he broke up with to go on the show, but for whom he has feelings?  You don’t want her to regret anything Ed?  I’m thinking she’s regretting letting your dick anywhere near her.

What are you not getting? I will sleep with you on the show if it will get me $250k, but want nothing to do with you afterwards. Is that so hard to understand?

Rachel’s What Happened:  Great, time for dinner with the awkward non-couple couple.  How she is still on this date is beyond me.  She feels like his actions and his words aren’t consistent and yet she’s still waiting to figure out if he’s interested in her romantically.  If not, she will not be staying overnight & she will have to back away.  Wait, it’s still an option for you?  How?  Why?  You’re kidding me right?  I’m pretty sure those concerns have already been addressed.

She broaches the subject again (because apparently she hasn’t humiliated herself enough) and says she has the right to have concerns.  He wants to understand where she’s coming from and if it’s what he said at last week’s ceremony that is the issue.  She says that what he said and what they’ve done are two different things.  That’s why she was caught off guard.  He says this feels like a Facebook status thing, which is annoying to him because he doesn’t feel like he should have to define what they are.  So, we’re choosing “it’s complicated”?

I can’t believe she’s still bothering with this conversation.  He’s barely making eye contact and he’s calling her childish for wanting some answers.  She just doesn’t want to look like a whore.  Perhaps that thought process should have happened before you got naked with the jackass at the table with you.  Just a thought.  He proceeds to feed her some bullshit about feeling comfortable with her and liking sleeping next to her which makes them a couple “in the house”.  She calls him a douche and then says she can’t live without him.  They have a good thing, so why ruin it?  That’s a good thing?  My head is spinning.  Needless to say, she spends the night with him.  Well, you don’t look like a whore anymore, Jaclyn.  You look like a stupid whore.  I hope Ed’s girl at home watching this is smarter than Jaclyn and changes her phone number before he gets home.

Melissa:  Wait, Ed is trying to respect both parties?  Say What??  I’m thinking those night-vision scenes weren’t really respectful to anyone… Especially me having to watch them!  Ed you moron, she wants you to say you like her.  She’s hooked up with you and doesn’t want to feel like a whore.  Nice, but more importantly, Jaclyn you’re an idiot.  After that douch-y speech saying that he just wants to sleep with you and has no other feelings, you just stroll right back to the bedroom knowing you feel the EXACT opposite?  MO-RON!!

Awkwardly Cute

The couple that makes no sense actually makes the most sense.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Back at the house Tony is taking Blakeley on an in-mansion date.  I think Tony is super sweet so I hope she’s not playing him for the cameras.  That’s a broken heart I don’t want to see.  We already know he’s a crier.  But she’s playing it sincere and seems to be genuinely interested.  She does keep bringing up her trust issues with him, which I feel is her way of keeping him at arms length.  She’s planning on “hanging out” with him after the Pad even though they live far apart.  Well, wouldn’t that be genius if they’re the couple that makes it?

Melissa:  Aw, this date is sweet.  I like Tony.  I also like Blakeley with Tony.  I could do without that baby-talk thing, but I like them.

Another Twist…

It’s still awkward.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Ed & Jaclyn stroll back in looking “refreshed” and carrying roses.  They have to use the roses to save a couple from elimination.  Time for everyone to plead their case.  Meanwhile, another bad choice from Jaclyn on that skirt.  Yipes.

After hearing everyone out, they make their decision.  This is hard for Ed, because when someone gives him their word, he honors it.  The same cannot be said for booty.  He does not honor that.  But the pick is in and it’s Blakeley & Tony that are safe.  Nick thinks it was a bad decision.  Kalon is pissed because he & Lindzi want this as much as anyone else.  Them not being overemotional, scheming alcoholics shouldn’t matter.  Oh but it does, Kalon.  Clearly, it does.  You have to play the game if you’re going to have a shot at winning it.  No one is voting for you for your “Cool As Ice” routine.  It didn’t work out in the long run for one Mr. Rob Van Winkle and it’s not going to work out for you either.  Just sayin…

Melissa:  This is funny that everyone needs to kiss Ed and Jaclyn’s asses.  Hmmm, I like the little stick to Chris and Sarah with those roses.

Rhyming & Scheming… Still Minus the Rhyming

Dude, don’t let the fuschia shirt fool you. I’m a baller.

Rachel’s What Happened:  Chris Harrison arrives to tell them that voting is open.  They will be voting together as a couple.  Chris & Sarah and Tony & Blakeley are safe.  Ed & Jaclyn assume they’re safe.  Rachel believes that the word of Jaclyn & Blakeley is good and that makes her safe.  Nick is willing to believe that too… ish.

Kalon & Lindzi have to do some of the scheming that Kalon said he doesn’t have to do even though he’s been doing it the whole time.  His first swing is at Blakeley & Tony to try and get them to vote for Nick & Rachel.  Tony says that he knows that he, Kalon & Chris came in as an alliance but it’s tricky now.  Kalon gives one final push by saying that Rachel & Nick aren’t really a true team and Rachel doesn’t even want to be here.  True, but not sure that’s a strong argument for Blakeley to go against her girl.  Maybe Lindzi should open her pie hole at some point.  Wait, she just said “toodles”.  Never mind.  Go back to being a mute.

Nick now comes to Blakeley & Tony to inquire about their convo with Kalon & Lindzi.  Blakeley says she hasn’t made up her mind.  Tony agrees.  Rachel joins the conversation and Nick continues the push by calling Kalon a liar.  He and Tony had a plan and he should stick to it.  Tony says he has the right to talk to everyone and it’s not like they shook on it.  Yes, because shaking on something at the Pad would make it unbreakable with these totally honest people.  Nick clearly hasn’t learned the art of negotiation.  This makes Kalon happy and we get to hear what I assume is his evil maniacal laugh.  Yeah, that just sounds like bad acting.  Go practice and get back to us.

Blakeley and Tony go to Sarah and Chris with the situation that just went down with Nick.  Uh, why?  Meanwhile, Rachel is crying again about Michael because she doesn’t have a partner she can trust.  So, she calls him.  Wait, she can talk to him on the phone and she’s calling herself a widow?  That just makes her behavior even more ridiculous.  Please send her home and put Nick out of his misery.

Melissa:  Nick, when did you learn to negotiate on BP?  ‘Cause guess what?  That’s not how you do it.  You need to make nice-nice.  You need to stroke egos and promise the world if you can make it happen.  Sweet Mary Rachel, the man is like on the other side of town.  He’s not on a 5 year trek in Nepal.  Get your head in the game.  You’ll see him in a few weeks.

The Rose Ceremony

Rachel’s What Happened:  Time for a couple to go…

Staying:  Blakeley & Tony, Sarah & Chris, Jaclyn & Ed, and Rachel & Nick

Who’s Out:  Lindzi & Kalon

Not that surprising.  I’d rather have ended the pain that is hearing Rachel whine, but c’est la vie.  Lindzi was hoping to stay another week to see where the relationship is going.  Well, you are leaving together… Pretty sure you can figure it out on the other side of the mansion walls.  But if staying was important, maybe you should have spent some time making friends with the other girls.

Lindzi & Kalon leave in separate limos but Kalon stops his and jumps in hers to the cheers of the remaining Padders.  They profess deep profound love for each other and ride off into the sunset.  Well, thank God that happened because Lindzi wasn’t sure she’d get to see him again.  Insert eye roll over large glass of wine.

Melissa:  Damn, Kalon and Lindzi gone… Bet you didn’t see that coming “Puppet Master”.  Wait, if they’re a couple why don’t they get to leave together?  Um Lindzi, if it’s such a great thing, you’ll see him again.  Aw, he pulls a pseudo Ames and declares his love.  Ok, enough with the mushy.

Bottom Line:

Rachel:  All I STILL know is that we have another week of Chris.  

Melissa:  Oh I’m so annoyed Chris is still in the house.

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