One Sentence Summary: Tonight we spin stories, excuses and stationary bikes as the women continue to annoy each other… and the entire viewing audience.
Rachel: I’m ill-prepared for tonight’s episode. Last week, it was painful and that was with the edges dulled by Pinot Noir. Tonight I’m sober as a judge, which means that I have to listen to these ladies bicker and backstab without any buffer. Rude… all the way around. They’re seriously on my nerves and I’ve got a feeling it isn’t going to get any better any time soon if the previews are to be believed.
Melissa: OK, I’m back in business… Ready to go. Sadly still on the wagon from my weekend illness. Though given how these ladies have been acting lately I might have to take a little sip of something… You know, to dull the pain.
Everyone Go Home
Rachel’s What Happened: And we’re back in the middle of the Fake French madness with everyone yelling at everyone about nothing that has anything to do with them. See, here’s the thing… If it directly affects you, go on. Get in there. If it doesn’t, STFU. And this is one big group full of STFU. Heather calling Ramona crazy to Mario doesn’t help either. I have to agree with Aviva (and you know that kills me) that you can’t call someone’s spouse a name…. even if it’s true. Really really true. Then again, this wouldn’t have happened had Aviva just kept her mouth shut in the first place.
Aaaaand we’re back to London. No, Ramona wasn’t invited Mario. And yes, it was a diss. So what. She hasn’t invited Heather to a half dozen things now too. They don’t like each other. End of story. Reid wants to know why Mario is even getting involved in this. And that, my friends, is the question of the year.
Great, now Heather & Aviva are arguing. Heather wants to be defended. Heather always wants to be defended… though I do feel like she does get a lot of the blame for shit that isn’t really blame-worthy. Why don’t grown-ups realize that not everyone likes each other and not everyone gets invited places? It’s insane. My 88-year-old grandmother is still dealing with it with her friends. Ah, women.
Melissa: We’re still at the party? Sweet Mary, Ramona, she wasn’t talking about you behind your back. She was just talking to Aviva. You were behind HER back. Aviva honey, I hate to tell you this, but you CAN tell Mario his wife is crazy. It’s a simple matter of fact. And Mario, not inviting your wife to England isn’t talking about her behind her back, it’s just wanting to enjoy the trip. I’m starting to like Heather. Poor thing just needs to block out Ramona and be done with it. While you’re at it, you can start ignoring Aviva because that woman is starting to get on my nerves with her obsession with Ramona. Aviva, you have no argument that Heather didn’t invite Ramona when you didn’t even go. Would you invite someone you don’t like on a trip? I really don’t get why these women don’t ever let anything go?
Rachel’s What Happened: So, I’m confused. Ramona doesn’t do plastic surgery, but she does get laser lipo or whatever it is they’re doing to the tush area. Isn’t that kind of the same thing? You haven’t done the face, true, but I’m not sure that’s the defining attribute of plastic surgery. Listen, I don’t have a problem with plastic surgery, in general. Shit, I’d be happy to let someone laser lipo my entire bottom half if they offered it up. But I do think we’ve gone overboard in this country. (I’m talking to you, RHOBH.) I also think that we need to call a spade a spade and own up to the work… and I’m calling Ramona a spade.
I’m actually still not sure what they’re doing but they’re injecting something yellow in her ass. Then they use some kind of shock treatment that she says she felt going up her c**t. And well now I’m shocked too. Really Ramona? Dropping a c-bomb? Classy. And weren’t you the one that walked out of the reunion because people were talking about Alex’s naked hallway pics? Oh you really are textbook hypocrisy.
Melissa: Can I just put this out there that Ramona really just stomps my nerves? I’m not sure why I’m so done with her, but I can’t listen to her without feeling that little nails on a chalkboard shutter. WTF is on Sonja’s head? It’s like a hedgehog is curled up taking a nap on her hair. Usually I love her hats, but that would-be nod to Dr. Zhivago is a fail. Really Sonja you’re getting all hot and bothered over Ramona’s massage? I don’t think it’s the numbing lotion making you dizzy, sweetie. I’m thinking you might have taken a little nip of something before you left the house.
Do It For The Kids
Rachel’s What Happened: LuAnn shows up to help Aviva up for a cause that she didn’t know she was supporting. She thought she was just going to a spin class. Whoops. Turns out they are cycling for charity and all proceeds go to help children that can’t afford prosthetics. That’s nice. Heather & Carole are coming too. Seems Ramona & Sonja have other plans. Tsk tsk, ladies. You don’t bail on your friend’s charity.
Carole tells us that she doesn’t exercise, but for Aviva she’ll sweat. Wait, Carole looks like that without exercise? Um, one word: bitch.
Let the biking begin… to LuAnn’s hit single “Money Can’t Buy You Class.” Great, I’m gonna have that gem stuck in my head all day now. Heather still isn’t thrilled with Aviva, but she wouldn’t miss a charity event; especially one for children. And then there are the Moron Twins, Sonja & Ramona, who didn’t show up. Are they at the plastic surgeons? I hope not. Could you pick a more shallow reason for not going to support a friend’s charity? Mmmm, nope. Aviva’s disappointed and she knows that if there was a party with booze they’d have shown up. Yep. You are correct.
Melissa: A cycling fundraiser? I’m confused. Oh, sorry Aviva, Ramonia and Sonja can’t make it because they’re busy getting their asses zapped and their bellies injected and stimulated. Wait, more confusion… She’s taking over a class for her charity? Now whose idea of a sick joke is this, we have to hear the Countess’s song too? Yes Carole it is goofy. Couldn’t agree more. Damn, how skinny is Aviva in those pants?? See Aviva, that’s how they are. Maybe you need to stop jumping to their defense all the time.
Doggy Joy Ride
Rachel’s What Happened: Ramona hops a cab with her dog in tow. Usually she has someone helping her with her door, so getting into a cab on her own is hard work. Is she for real? Did that just come out of her mouth? She also tells the cab driver how to do his job. Has she never been in a New York taxi? It’s not a limo Ramona. You’ll get to 26th between 6th & 7th and work it out from there. It’s how it goes. I’m sure you barking at him and the TV camera in his face isn’t helping him remember the exact address you need to go to. Dude’s just trying to earn an honest living. Jesus H Christ, she never ceases to amaze me with her condescension. It’s never-ending.
Melissa: Um Ramona, let the cabbie drive his car. STFU. If you have such issues with how cabbies drive, get a car service. OMG, how has he not reached back and slapped her? For real, I can’t take much more of her attitude and hair flicking
It’s Not Love. It’s Chemicals.
Rachel’s What Happened: Aviva & Carole pop into a jewelry shop and St. Barts comes up. It’s still hard for Aviva and she feels like she can’t breathe when she thinks about the little plane she’ll have to get on. Carole understands and doesn’t want to push Aviva. It never dawned on me that she would have been super close to JFK Jr & his wife when they died in the plane crash. Or maybe it did and I don’t remember. That’s completely possible. But yeah, she does understand the fear of private planes. Then Aviva talks about dying in a Jeep crash – another vacation possibility. She exhausts me. I give Carole so much credit for not making a snarky comment. I know I would have been hard-pressed to keep my mouth shut. She does call her a catastrophist. Aviva seriously needs therapy. I’m not even being funny here.
Now it’s time for Carole’s issues. She’s a love avoider. Isn’t that just a cute term for commitmentphobia? Her attachment is just oxytocin that we release during sex and childbirth. She can move past it. Alrighty then, another candidate for therapy… and I say this still loving Carole. She’s still my Housewife BFF.
Melissa: I get the panic disorder and the fear of flying, but how is it that she’s fine if her husband is with her? I’m calling shenanigans.
Rachel’s What Happened: LuAnn and Ramona go bikini shopping for St. Barts. LuAnn has already chosen a bikini by the time Ramona shows up, but she wants LuAnn to try it on for her. No can do. LuAnn doesn’t do public bathing suit shopping… kinda like she doesn’t do public masterbating. I think we can all agree that that’s excellent news. Of course, Ramona is happy to try on bathing suits for the whole world to see. I wish she had taken the lead from LuAnn on this one, especially when she brings up her nipples. Sorry, nibs, which she explains is code for nipples because none of us could make the connection on our own. Ah yes, another episode of TMI with Ramona.
Conversation then turns to Aviva’s neuroses. Ramona doesn’t quite get her attachment to her husband… and her fear. She wants Aviva to get outside her comfort zone, but doesn’t want to hold her hand the whole time they’re in St Barts. So, they’ll all take turns babysitting her. Hmm…. funny. That almost sounds like Ramona talking behind someone’s back… You know, that thing she’s constantly screaming about to Heather. I know, Ramona being a hypocrite… shocking.
Melissa: Ramona why does she need to try the bikini on? Why do I have to now think of LuAnn masturbating… OMG, and Ramona watching? Sweet Mary, I might need a drink. Man, these ladies like to talk about each other behind their backs!
A Step Ahead
Rachel’s What Happened: Aviva, her son and Carole go to A Step Ahead to present a kid with prosthetic legs so he can run for the first time in his life. I’m actually a bit choked up which I find almost impossible to believe considering that we’re watching the Housewives. OK, I dislike Aviva a little less right now. And I totally want to hug that kid.
Melissa: Damn, I might start to cry over giving this boy running legs. Yeah, I feel them coming on. OK, I am full on tears over here. How amazing is Jake and his whole family’s excitement? Oh damn you producers! Why do you have to go at my soft underbelly??
I Repeat It’s For The Children
Rachel’s What Happened: Carole, Sonja & Aviva go to Ramona’s for a little caviar and Proseco. Yum. Carole forewarns the girls that Aviva was not happy that they didn’t show up to the charity event. Ramona says she was at a doctor’s appointment and because she was red, she didn’t go. Sonja didn’t go because her dog didn’t get its liver pill so she had to go to the vet. Wait, I thought they were at the doc together… suspicious. But Carole tells them how important it was to Aviva, but Sonja’s dog come first. Don’t you have 75 interns that could have taken the dog? Ramona & Sonja join hands in their solidarity. Carole finds the whole scene amusing. Right there with you, lady.
Aviva shows up and they sit down to lunch. Ramona gives Aviva a check as a gift for her charity. This annoys Sonja because she can’t just write a check for charity. She has her own charities that she has to support. In what world can you not support a charity just because you have others you support? Oh right, the bankrupt world. We’re not dumb, Sonja. Aviva thanks her then rips LuAnn for not knowing why she was at the event. Shut up Aviva. She showed. Be gracious. And there goes all my newfound appreciation for Aviva. Poof. Gone. Just like that.
But I guess LuAnn should be happy she just got a tease, because now it’s Sonja & Ramona’s turn for a lecture about Aviva’s disappointment in them for not showing up. Sonja goes into her dog being embarrassed about peeing & being too proud to wear diapers… something about a gay intern in her bed was in there too. Oh Sonja, stop talking. Just apologize! Aviva thinks Ramona should have picked another day for her dermatologist. Ramona starts to disagree, but then says you’re right. I think she could feel Carole giving her the “don’t go there” look. Then Aviva tells Sonja she could have had the intern take her dog to the vet. And off the rails we go with hysteria about the dog being her baby. You know, I don’t get the whole “the pet is my kid” thing. I think it’s weird. But I know far too many people that feel that way so I’m going to give this one to Sonja (though I doubt sincerely that this was the moment her dog went incontinent). You don’t give your “kid” to someone to take to the vet, especially if you’re going to put them down possibly. Fair. But you see how upset Aviva is, just apologize and move on. It’s Aviva’s passion. She’s hurt. Can’t you just be the bigger person for once? Just once! Nope because now we’ve got screaming and crying. Aviva won’t give an inch either. Come on ladies… Carole & Ramona try to mediate and Sonja finally says that she heard Aviva’s point and would just like Aviva to hear her point. Fair. I think it’s fair. Aviva, what say you? Oh… I see. Excuses are like assholes. Everyone has one. Well, there you go. I guess you’re not feeling diplomatic today. And for the record, it’s opinions not excuses. Now Sonja’s pissed again and back to crying. Carole tries to soothe everyone by playing it down the middle and it almost works… Too bad Ramona starts with her I’m not perfect rant and wishes Aviva would just tell her when she’s pissed. Somewhere in Manhattan, Heather is giving up a “Holla” to the universe. Now, Aviva is on the other end of that crazy. But everyone agrees that if it’s important to Aviva, she will tell them and everyone will show up. We couldn’t get there before the screaming?
Melissa: These are some good excuses ladies, but get over yourselves. That was a charity for kids. I’m totally not getting this hand-holding comforting between these two. A lecture Aviva? Why the lecture? Wait, Sonja, why the story about the dog? You are not making yourself look good with this, and lay off your attitude. Wow, these ladies could give you whiplash with these antics. I mean 5 minutes of that back and forth and I’m completely exhausted!!
Rachel: Next week St Barts starts and apparently so does the screaming… Oh wait, it never ended. Sigh…
Melissa: Hells Yeah, bring on St. Barts… I can’t wait for that drama!