Rachel: Oh how I wish we could take credit for the Quagmire/Chris reference. But we cannot. I saw someone post it on another blog and laughed so hard that I had to share it here. I mean it’s just so spot on and so good. So so good. I just hope that it’s a short-lived reference and that Sir Suck-A-Lot gets sent home tonight. Seriously, nothing would give me more pleasure than to watch Chris go home in the limo a two-time loser. But first, I’m holding Blakeley to her promise to donkey punch him in the throat if she made it through last week’s elimination. Well, she’s still there and this here Winey Bitch wants to see a smack down. I hope she goes all psycho bitch ninja on his ass. Ah, if only Jamie was there still to twirl around them and spew nonsense about loyalty and love on the airwaves. That, my friends, would be the most awesomely awesome Bachelor Pad in history.
Melissa: Oh I’m giddy with excitement that this is the week Chris gets his ass handed to him, and hopefully a donkey punch to the throat delivered by Blakeley. I swear, I’m not a huge fan of hers, but right now, she’s my favorite horse in this race. Since I’m still off the hooch (damn you stomach!!) I have a feeling this is going to be a long night.
Rachel: Wait, I’m off the hooch tonight too. I donated platelets today and am trying to stay extra hydrated. So, that means there are Two Sober Bitches in the house? Yikes, I’m scared.
After the Roses
Rachel’s What Happened: Ah yes, we always start with the end. Time to check-in post rose ceremony. Chris skips the usual sitting around the living room staring at each other post-elimination tradition and goes straight to bed. Ah yes, Blakeley, he has made his bed and he is indeed lying in it. And now would be a great time for a sneak attack donkey punch. Wait, did he just say that he was under Blakeley’s spell and that he was her prisoner? Hold on, I have to pause the TV so I can double over in laughter. What a spoiled whiny brat! I’m waiting for the tantrum – foot stomping included – to happen.
But the “poor me” hiding under the covers doesn’t last long as Jamie, er I mean Sarah, comes to check on him and climbs up into his bunk. I tell you, you could make a mint collecting tolls at the foot of that ladder. That bunk has had more traffic than an LA freeway at rush hour. But she can’t come up until she takes off her shoes. Right, because that’s not a dirty bunk at all.
Back in the living room, Michael is starting his crusade to send Chris home. He has taken up all the “asshole” space that Michael is willing to give him. Say what you want about pocket-sized Stagliano; he’s a power player.
Kalon heads into bunk central to apparently fluff his sheets and gets called a “big liar” by Chris. Look, I get that you’re in a bunk bed, which most people stop sleeping in when they get to be too old for summer camp, but do you need to behave like a pre-teen? I’m pretty sure “I know you are, but what am I” is coming next. Kalon admits to voting for Jamie because it was the vote that made sense… well to everyone but Chris. BTW, does Kalon wear lip gloss? No one’s lips are that naturally shiny. I want to blot them. Badly. Anywho, No Lip says to Shiny Lip that he was supposed to be his best friend here. Shiny Lip says that he’s just patronizing him because he’s a loose canon. So how does Chris retaliate? By throwing rose petals at Kalon. This is hilariously childish. Are you going to slap him with a feather boa next?
Chris moves to the living room wanting to know if Ed lied to him too. Ed goes with the tactic of deny, deny, deny. Finally, Ed admits to voting for Jamie and says that he has to do what his partner tells him to do because she’s the only person he can trust. Ok, now we’ve moved to deflect, deflect, deflect. Chris would just have appreciated it if everyone would have just been honest with him. Yeah, sure. Everyone knows that confronting you about voting another way, in the heat of the moment, would not have resulted in you going “fine”. And there goes the temper. Ah Chris, your ego is writing checks your rose ceremony can’t cash.
Melissa: Oh now Blakeley, why you gotta go and be mean like that? The shit on the bottom of your shoe? What did that shit ever do to you to be compared with Captain Douchetastic? Speaking of beds (no we weren’t, but whatev)… Does no one in the pad know how to make a bed? For real… No One? And why is it that no one can have a conversation on a chair or a sofa? I don’t understand. I love that Michael is now plotting against Chris. Please, oh please let him be sent home this week. It’s bad when I’m starting to like Kalon opposed to Chris. I love that they told you right to your eyes (wha??) that they were voting with you. Yeah, see what happened there Chris, you act like an ass and no one is going to work with you. Again, you’re acting the OPPOSITE of a grown ass man – just so you know. I’m thinking Doug and the boys from Bachelorette still have their point proven with you.
Bull In A China Shop
Rachel’s What Happened: It’s the next morning and Chris was too upset with all the bulls**t from last night to sleep. Great, that should up the pleasant factor. And is he really complaining to Tony? You know, Blakeley’s new partner. Another smart move by the brainiac Chris.
Yep, it’s challenge time. Outside, there is a table stacked with trays, cups and saucers. Blakeley is happy that she worked at Hooters for 13 years. Those skills should come in handy. You know, that one is just too easy. You may make your own Hooters jokes at home. Chris Harrison tells us that there are two roses at stake – one for the boys and one for the girls. There is no penalty for the losers… but really, they’re all on a tv show called Bachelor Pad, sleeping in bunk beds, and throwing nuts in their own faces to win money. I think they’re all pretty much losers, no? But I digress…
Let’s play The Great Fall of China. They each have to race between the two tables seven times with a tray that has to have a cup & saucer added to it each time they get to one of the tables. Drop a cup or saucer and you have to start over. No problem, right? Wrong. First off, everyone is mad that Blakelely has waitressing skills and therefore an unfair advantage (seriously?), none more than Erica. So, she’ll just take her damn time, not try and dump her dishes when she sees them start to waver. Mature. But will you look at that, Blakeley drops all her cups. Now, it’s on. No one is doing well. The place looks like a Greek restaurant after hosting a wedding. It comes down to Blakeley & Sarah. Sarah beats her but is disqualified for touching her cup. And that is not a euphemism. This gives Blakeley the win and a figurative donkey punch to Chris’s throat.
Now it’s the boys’ turn. Chris knows he has to win. I know that I don’t want him to. Sarah is annoyed with Blakeley for coaching Tony. You know because it’s making Chris drop his cups. You know what else it’s doing? Helping Tony win. Yep, that’s right. Tony & Blakeley both have roses. A double donkey punch for Chris. And a date for each of them away from the house.
Melissa: I love that Chris’s “world” is flying out from under him. Maybe if you weren’t such an ass you’d be in a better position right now. Just a thought.
Hey now, Blakeley just admitted to working at Hooters for 13 years? Did I hear that right? Now, I’ve never been to a Hooters, but I’m seriously thinking it’s not really a VIP Cocktail Hostess type of place. This is pretty funny. But here’s a question… Why are they putting the cups upside down instead of the way they are supposed to fit in their saucers with the other saucer on top? Way to go Hooters training! I don’t know that I could listen to Blakeley in my ear if she was my partner, but hey it worked, and what is more important… Chris has no immunity!! Picture my Snoopy dance. No, everyone, rejoice with me – Snoopy dance for everyone!!
That Pesky Rose
Rachel’s What Happened: Blakeley opts to take Tony on her date, which means that the other date rose gets to go to another guy in the house. That guy gets the second date. Clearly, that person will not be Chris. He knows this and just hopes the rose doesn’t go to Kalon… which means the rose goes to Kalon who loves the irony of the situation. Tony still gets to decide what girl he’s going to save with his date rose.
Blakeley gets to choose between Date #1 and Date #2, which is an overnight date. She chooses #2 because she’s convinced that overnight means helicopters and luxury. I think we’ve all seen this show enough times to know where this is going… and it’s not getting there on a helicopter.
Melissa: I like that Blakeley and Tony opt to give up their extra rose… To Kalon. Oh, this makes me so happy watching Chris squirm.
You Make Me Want To Be A Better Man
Rachel’s What Happened: The date card for Kalon shows up with two gift-wrapped boxes. Immediately, Blakeley is thinking she may have made the wrong decision. The card says to choose a “pretty woman” and that means Lindzi is getting jewels a la Julia Roberts in the movie of the same name. Perchance they will be dining at the Reg Bev Wil as well? In Kalon’s box, the key to a Bentley. Yep, wrong choice, Blakeley.
Off the kiddies go for their fancy date, which is on a bridge that has been shut-down for the two of them clad with a chandelier, table for two and champagne. Damn ABC, way to get one super right. I’m shocked this didn’t go to Emily. Seriously, that’s one hell of a date.
Feeling overtaken by the romance of it all, Kalon tells Lindzi his feelings for her. She keeps him sane. He had lost faith in the process until her & finding her is the most pleasant surprise he could have imagined. It’s different from the Bachelorette because he’s possibly maybe in love with her. Way to be totally non-committal. Oh and let’s not miss a chance to disparage Emily in the process by saying he had to force it with her from day 1. Uh, then why didn’t you leave on day 2?
Lindzi says that she’s lucky she got to see the funny, genuine, and kind person that he really is. I just gagged. See, to me, this is the same thing as last season with Blake. I didn’t buy what he was selling for a second when he was wooing Holly. I thought he was just screwing with Michael for sport. And yet, the two of them got married in June… which is pretty much news to me , but I just looked it up. Here’s the story if you care (you don’t): US Magazine. So, maybe he really is digging Lindzi AND is a royal douche all at the same time. Yeah, you didn’t really think I would fall for that BS about him being kind & genuine, did you?
Melissa: Poor Blakeley, no diamonds or Bentley for you.
No Kalon, you aren’t going to get jacked for driving a Bentley in the hood with an entire camera crew traveling with you. I love the date on the bridge though. I mean it’s a bridge, so we know I have issues with those, but this is cool. I don’t know if I get these two. I guess we don’t see the side of him that she does, but whatever.
The Bitching Continues
Rachel’s What Happened: Chris is still bitching about how everyone lied to him and how he’s no longer the king of the castle. Do you not get that you are the OG liar… OK, that was Reid… Do you not get that you’re the OG liar part 2 and that you got busted? You screwed with your alliance, which anyone who’s ever watched a war movie knows is a bad idea. And you screwed with your partner, which anyone who’s ever watched the Bachelor Pad knows is a bad idea. This is on you buddy. But you keep crying into your scotch and blaming the world. He knows he’s going home this week but he’s going to go out like a man. Oh, you thought that meant with dignity? No no, silly child, that means by taking Lindzi down with him. Hmmm… Don’t you need someone on your side to do that? Well, good luck with that.
Melissa: You weren’t the king of the castle, you idiot. You just thought you were. I’m also not thinking this plot of yours to get rid of Lindzi is going to pan out… Just a guess.
Getting Back To Nature
Rachel’s What Happened: Time for the new partners to go out on the town. Tony is excited to explore the romantic possibilities with the hottest girl in the house… Blakeley. Look people, beauty is in the eye of the rose holder. Maybe it’s just me, but I have a sneaking suspicion that he’s the only one feeling groovy.
Meanwhile, Chris is still bitching about Blakeley and how poor Tony has to spend not only a day with her, but a whole night. Could you imagine anything worse? Yeah, a night with you, bitter party of one.
Everyone is talking about how amazing their date is going to be… yachts, helicopters, etc. Instead, waiting for them is an open-air Jeep. Off they go and Kalon is worried that she’s going to bite his head off like a praying mantis. I don’t think that’s an unrealistic concern.
As they drive, Blakeley is wondering what luxury awaits them. Ten bucks says they’re going camping. Yep, I nailed it… ish. It’s wilderness and there’s an airstream trailer. I’m gonna say that they’ll get a luxurious surprise at some point but they have to sweat it out first.
The kids cook themselves some dinner that they actually eat! Blakeley thanks Tony for supporting her She has really enjoyed getting to know him. She really likes him (color this viewer surprised) but she takes a while to open up to people because she’s been hurt. He thinks she’s been with the wrong guys and being with someone like him might be good for her. Aw, Tony, you get the “aw shucks” award for the night.
Up next on the cutie patootie menu, dancing to the car radio under the stars. Too bad, whatever was really on the radio was replaced by the powers that be at ABC with the evil ex-Bacheloette/Pad-er Wes Hayden song. Really, guys? You’ll recycle that piece of shit, but won’t give me one freaking chorus of On The Wings Of Love? Rude. But Blakeley & Tony are fulling digging each other much to the surprise of um… everyone. Somewhere in the distance a wolf howls… or maybe that was just Blakeley getting her airstream on.
And no luxurious surprises were had…
Melissa: So after all that buildup they tool off in a truck. It’s the airstream BP date! I love this! There has to be a catch, because this is too funny. Wait a minute, is it the lack of booze in my system? Why am I starting to like Blakeley? I gotta give Hooters props on enjoying this date, and Tony. I also love the overlap of Chris and Sarah dissing these two as they legit enjoy themselves together. While you know Sarah is just wondering how long until Chris is looking for another “new car smell”.
And He’s Still Bitching…
Rachel’s What Happened: Great, more Chris. You know I think all of us out here in TV Land have had enough. Just saying…. But go ahead, show us his sucking up to Ed so that he can exact revenge on Kalon. Chris faux-pologizes to Ed and Ed is dumb enough to buy it, especially as Chris immediately turns on Kalon. You can’t see that he’s playing you? A blind man could see that! Oh Ed, you fool. You actually made us have to hear the phrase “Bukowski spell”. What’s with all the hocus pocus spells Chris?
Meanwhile, Michael has created a mini-date for Rachel under the stars. He tells her that he was nervous about being back at the house and being physically reminded of all the places he & Holly were together. You mean, like right there on a blanket that you laid out to show Holly how much you cared? Way to recycle a date and then talk about how far you’ve come since said date. But she’s loving it. And he’s loving it. And everyone is a happy camper.
Oh great, a montage of all the couples kissing. Just what I needed on a sober night.
Melissa: I love that you think you have any control here, Chris. You went against “the alliance”. They aren’t going to vote off one of their own at this point, and Blakeley didn’t make waves.
Aw, how cute is this move from Michael? I see a guitar… You going to sing for us Mikey?
Don’t Play Your Partner
Rachel’s What Happened: Yeah, I don’t know exactly what happened with Blakeley & Tony on that date, but she is literally glowing in her interview. Best she’s ever looked. Dayum, Tony. Actually he’s glowing too… which of course is the spell he’s under, according to Chris. I think he might be having a break with reality. Someone asks about the rose and Blakeley says they barely takled about it and have no idea who’s getting it. Hmmm, I doubt that.
Tony is, stupidly, still buying what Chris is selling and hears him out about voting Lindzi out. Please tell me these guys aren’t dumb enough to keep siding with him. And please tell me that Blakeley is packing something powerful enough between those legs to make Tony listen to her. He’s wavering and feeling torn because Sarah’s a really good person who genuinely wants to be there too. Jack ass. Don’t even…
OK let’s see what genius does… Well before we can find out, Chris pulls Tony aside to try and make one last play for Sarah. Sensing that he might lose a very important body part should he go against the alliance (aka Blakeley), he stays on course and gives Jaclyn the rose. Anyone else hearing the death knell for Chris? I hope. I pray. Please!
Melissa: Oh Chris with your plotting. Please Tony, be smart and do not listen to Chris. Good on you Tony, Jaclyn was a total curve ball.
Rhyming & Scheming… Still Minus the Rhyming
Rachel’s What Happened: Everyone is ready to vote but Chris Harrison walks in with some news. Seems Chris Bukowski is too good for ratings, so the good folks at ABC have to shake things up and give him a chance to stay.
First, lets talk about the couples. The coupled up couples get some camera time to flaunt their love. Well, except that Ed lets it be known that he had no interest in romance when he got here and he still doesn’t. This is news to Jaclyn. Jesus, Ed. Could you be any dumber? Way to humiliate your partner in front of everyone. Ouch.
Oh right, the shake up… Everyone votes tonight for a woman to go home. Yep, only voting for the ladies. The woman that gets sent home gets to choose what guy goes with her. Her choice, period. No conversations to try and get her to vote a certain way. Screech… I swear if Chris stays because they wanted to ensure angry mob ratings I’m going to be piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissed. And boy if Chris Harrison doesn’t look like the cat that ate the canary after that announcement…
It’s radio silence in the room as the hamsters start running like mad in those heads of theirs. And the conniving begins. Chris thinks he’s got the ball back in his court and is spinning his web. If you vote off Sarah, one of your big dogs goes with her. And dammit, he has a point.
But there’s still hope… and that hope is Michael. He has a plan to vote off Erica and make it seem like Chris was behind it. It’s a stupid plan but Erica is dumb enough to fall for it.
First though, let’s drop in on the incredibly awkward silence that is Jaclyn and Ed. Ed tries to explain Jaclyn’s hurt away by saying that she is a pleasant surprise, but he stands by his words because that’s what he’s said since the beginning. You know, since no one on this show changes their mind. She asks him what he wants to do and he hesitates… That says it all for her. Sadly darling, he already said it all in front of all your housemates.
But she gets over her sadness long enough to tell Erica that Chris was voting for her. Erica confronts Chris who says that’s so not true. He’s still Team Lindzi. She says even if that’s the case, and she does get voted off, he’s still not necessarily safe. Michael & Nick reinforce the story and Erica is eating it up like a giant plate of Botox. Sarah tries to placate Erica, but she’s not having it. Chris gives it one last college try to convince Erica that he’s not voting for her by taking her to the voting room and showing her that he’s voting for Lindzi. Wait, how is this cool? Where are the producers???? I call shenanigans!!!! But mostly I just want to know if we can get this over with already???
Melissa: DOH, that was the craziest diss from Ed. Ouch!
Are you kidding me – vote off one woman and she gets to turn around and vote off anyone? Poor Blakeley, you were this close. I am so liking you right now Michael, you fiendish little bastard! Don’t get me wrong, I mean that in the most flattering way. Wow, most awkward silence I’ve ever had to witness with Ed and Jaclyn. Yes my dear, you slept with a guy who doesn’t “love” you. I gotta say, sometimes that’s a complete blessing!
Let the lies begin!! This is awesome. Props to you Michael if you pull this one off. I don’t like you being so cocky about it though. Let’s not forget what that shit attitude did for Chris…
The Rose Ceremony
Rachel’s What Happened: And so it begins…
Staying: Blakeley, Tony, Kalon, Jaclyn, Sarah, Rachel, Lindzi
Who’s Out: Erica
And that means Erica gets to take a man down with her… and not in the fun way. She feels like things aren’t fair right now and the dishonesty is fine. She gets it. It’s part of the game. She is going to break up an alliance because if this person was a true friend to her, this wouldn’t have happened. And bam, Michael is going home.
Rachel doesn’t want to stay now and tells Erica she did the wrong thing. Of course you’re just giving Erica more camera time to spew about how he’s a master manipulator and a backstabber. And as Michael admits to playing Erica, she continues her tirade and goes where no one should ever go… Holly. The best thing she ever did was leave him and marry Blake. Holy low blow, plastic girl!
Melissa: Erica is going to take Michael with her! NO-MY-GOD, I didn’t see this one coming!! I would love the two of them to be in the same limo on the way out. Oh Erica, he’s not a dictator. He just knows how to play the game. Now, we have Chris staying THINKING he’s a dictator.
Rachel: All I know is that we have another week of Chris.
Melissa: Ugh, I can’t believe Chris is still there, and this is the dumbest out-take.