One Sentence Summary: Joe drops the C-bomb heard/bleeped coast to coast.
Rachel: Well, I sure am pissed that they teased us with the “my bitch wife” phone call last week and then didn’t show the scene. I’m calling shenanigans on that. Like this show isn’t painful enough without them teasing us. And this week I’m sober watching this because I have to be up at the crack of dawn to go donate platelets. Probably not a good thing if nothing but booze is coming out of my veins. Meanwhile, I saw a cover of InTouch Magazine with Teresa on the cover and is talking about a split with Joe and how she won’t stand for cheating. OK, you know that the headlines aren’t actually what she said. It’s probably the typical bait & switch: “she won’t stand for cheating…. which is why it’s a good thing her husband isn’t cheating.” But let’s say for a minute that they were real (I didn’t have enough groceries to have the time to actually read the article), how is it that the call happened months ago but she’s just now talking about how she won’t be cheated on? You know she knew about that long before we saw it a few weeks ago. Oh right, because she had to time the publicity to coincide with the episode so she could collect herself a paycheck. Gawd, she’s so gross.
Melissa: I’m SOOOO the weak NJ link. I just find Teresa too much to take some times and I go off the deep end and find myself fetal in a corner chanting make it stop while muffling my ears. Since I abandoned last week let’s catch up on the road trip from hell: Teresa complained and dredged up past issues with anyone she could think of while her brother continued to expose himself in any way he could (that man really does adore himself in the naked form). Joe Giudice continues to show what a mindless dolt he is and we have to wonder why Bravo wants to torture their loyal fans with him. Jacqueline and Teresa discuss their friendship… AGAIN, and Caroline and Albert continue to roll their eyes at their predicament but thank their lucky stars they aren’t sharing the RV with the Giudices. Phew, that all being said we’re anxiously anticipating this and Joe Giudice getting caught talking trash on his woman to his other woman (assumption). Sadly I’ve been sick all weekend so it’s peppermint tea for me, not even a chance to dull the pain that is Teresa.
Hit The Road
Melissa’s What Happened: In the Russian River Valley (gorge place btw), it’s photo op time for Teresa and Joe. Unfortunately Teresa thinks the only way to get Joe to smile is by offering her ass to him. Ew, and ew-my-goodness!! I’m all of 30 seconds in and thinking I’m going to need a little bourbon for my tea! Here we go with Jacqueline talking about Teresa and where their friendship is. Teresa is still trying to justify her side of being upset with Jacqueline while Melissa explains to her that once she goes into a magazine her life becomes public knowledge and accessible to anyone. Melissa suggests maybe she shouldn’t talk about anyone in her magazine articles. Sound advice, but sadly Melissa thinks her relationship with Teresa can’t go anywhere but up. Um, hate to break it to you sweetie, but there’s always that rock bottom detour you’re capable with when Teresa is concerned. Jacqueline has decided she’s not going to get as invested as she was and Lauren lays it out because she doesn’t want to be around bitter jealous people… Like Tre. Sweet Mary Jacqueline, just let the damn thing go. She’s toxic, move on. I know you had a great relationship back in the day, but it looks like it’s not going to happen that way anymore. Chris says they’ll continue being friends with everyone and that is enough. Meanwhile all Teresa can think of is how hot it would be to “do it in one of the vineyards”, and there goes my belly rolling yet again.
Rachel: Wow… wow… wow… So :30 in and I’ve got banging in the ass, fingers in the ass and Teresa’s husband needing sex at least once a day? Why don’t you just kick me in the head? It would be less painful. And does Teresa really need to be told that if you say things to a national magazine that it no longer falls under the category of “private”? I find it hard to believe that she is truly this stupid. Well, maybe it’s not that hard… Ha, Melissa just said that Teresa can relax now that she cleared the air with Jacqueline and not think that hard. Oh Melissa, she hasn’t thought hard in years. And I really just love Chris Laurita. He’s got zero tolerance for drama and shuts it down in his camper the second he smells it brewing. I could have used him on a girls’ vacation last year. I wonder if I can rent him out? Nothing scandalous. Just to be the “shut it down” guy. Hmm… There’s an idea somewhere in there…
Time to Tour
Melissa’s What Happened: The crew arrives at Lancaster Estate where they’ll be staying and they are ready to party. Wow, who can blame them this place is awesome. This is how the Winey Bitches should do a wine tasting – hey Bravo, how about next time we help you scout locations? Chris is worried about everyone drinking and Caroline worries they’ll get kicked out. Oh, I’m thinking there’s totally chance of that!! Headed off to Levendi Wines Joe wants to uncork a few bottles to get things started, and of course half the crew realizes this is sort of a big deal to meet the winemakers who they are trying to schmooze and does not partake… Oh well, more for Joe I assume he’s thinking. Allison Doran meets everyone and I’m sure she’s wondering much like I am wtf is on Teresa’s head. As they go on their tour the winemaker tells them the barrels are like fine furniture and cost a thousand each, to which ass-hat declares he can get them for 800 or 850. STFU Giudice!! Gorga needs to get in on the action and announces the wine tastes like his wife. Already you can see this all going to hell. Teresa can’t understand what’s happening, it’s supposed to be fun, not work. Well, see Teresa, it really IS work, they are there to go into business with these people, and they need to take things a bit seriously. Clearly that headband is cutting off circulation to your brain. OK, if it were me there with this motley crew I’d be having a little what’s what with these morons and shove them all back on the bus. Oh, but a wonderful moment of Albert completely losing his shit with Joe Giudice over KFC. I love you Albert!!
Rachel: Holy gorgeous estate! Uh, I think the Two Winey Bitches need a weekend in the Valley. Now. Right now. Oh boy, Shut It Down Guy (hereto forth SIDG) isn’t going to tolerate any nonsense during a business meeting. Well, then perhaps you shouldn’t have brought the three-ring circus with you. You have to know by now that they have zero self-control or conception of decorum. Teresa wearing her daughter’s headband like she’s starring in the Let’s Get Physical video isn’t helping the professionalism either. Oh lord, leave it to the Joes to not even make it through the first tasting to embarrass SIDG and pretty much the entire Manzo/Laurita brood by the looks on their faces. Oh right Teresa, you’re all there to have fun so they should loosen up. How were you to know that it was business… other than the fact that they told you it was business. Granted it’s not signing books, but hey, everyone has to start somewhere. Nooooo… they are not picking grapes off the vines and throwing them in each other’s mouths. This is wine people! It is not to be trifled with! Rule #1 at any vineyard: Respect the grape. Ha ha… a fight over the location of a KFC. That’s hilarious. Ya think Albert has just had it with Joe Giudice?
A Cave Fit for Spelunking
Melissa’s What Happened: At the house Nicole Simpkins (Owner, Lancaster Estate) stops by with Jesse Katz (winemaker) show up to take everyone through the wine making process. Chris is still banking on eveyone taking things seriously. Oh, for real, I think I want these people to my new besties!! For the life of me I wish I could tell who made the awesome Veruka Salt(ish) comment. Brilliant. Sweet Jesus, this man has them in the wine cave tasting wine that hasn’t even been blended yet and all the Giudices and Gorgas can do is crack wise about the artwork. See, THAT… That right there is why I’m still mortified to tell people I live in NJ. Poor Nicole is completely appalled (rightfully so) by these “guests”, and I can’t say I’m too far behind her, at least she’s had the benefit of not watching these antics weekly.
Rachel: Loving the cave. I dream of having a dinner in a wine cave. OK, I just audibly gasped when Joe Gorga jumped on the sculpture. Who the hell does that shit? Oh right, someone with exactly no class. Ah, if only the Countess was here to sing us a little “Money Can’t Buy You Class”. Horrifying. The owner looks like she’s ready to kick them all out. Can’t say as I blame her. I’d actually cheer if she did.
Here we go kids!!
Melissa’s What Happened: How sweet, they surprise Caroline with dinner at the vineyard among the vines for her birthday. As the kids all propose toasts to their mom, Giudice tries to jump in and steal Lauren’s toast… Nice Joe, way to be a class act. As the sun sets on dinner Joe Giudice gets a “call from work”. Oh, here it comes… Wait for it… WAIT! “Hold on. Here she comes. My bitch wife. She’s such a c***” There it is folks the C U Next Tuesday that went ’round the world. Teresa walks off with Joe to have an off camera conversation I can assume. WTF is that going to be like when she sees it? For like a second I feel for her. Teresa pulls Joe into the wineyard to “do it”. OMG, are they for real having sex in the vineyard? You both are just so disrespectful. Oh, and now I will never be able to drink this wine knowing it has been sullied.
Rachel: What a gorgeous place for a birthday lunch! I’d like to put it out there that I would not be opposed if someone wanted to surprise me the same way. Birthday’s in May. Just putting it out there.
Wow. Apparently no one explained to Joe Guidice how the mic pack strapped to his back works. Listen, even if he wasn’t talking to another woman (which he was) and it was a completely innocent phone call (which it wasn’t), you don’t ever get to call your wife a bitch, a c-word and/or a retard. It’s called respect. And if she didn’t nail him in the balls with her stiletto the second she caught wind of the call, then she is a bigger idiot than I thought… and I didn’t think that was possible. I have no comment on the sex-ish stuff in the grapes. Wait, yes I do. Of course I do. And the first comment is ew. The second comment is that she clearly had an inkling of what was going on otherwise she wouldn’t have been on him like ugly on a gorilla while taking that call and she wouldn’t have thrown herself at him immediately afterwards. That’s a woman that doesn’t trust her husband.
Morning has Broken
Melissa’s What Happened: Seriously Bravo, I really can’t handle Teresa mauling her husband… And with her brother and SIL right next to them. I mean seriously, who does that? Teresa insists she and Joe need some alone time in the confessional. Lord woman, you need to stop insisting you have a rocking sex life. Mostly because it makes us want to up-chuck. Jacqueline and Teresa think Joe and Chris need to talk to eachother about what has been said between them in the past. Of course Teresa gets to vent about the cookies again. Now it’s a malicious comment? You are insane.
Rachel: Oh right, Teresa can’t not have an enemy. Someone has to be out to get her so she can continue to play the victim and that poor sap is Kathy. The weakest one in the herd. She’s prime for picking off.
Melissa’s What Happened: Albie and Albert have a serious moment as they overlook the vineyard. Meanwhile Caroline visits Kathy to get her hair done too. Jacqueline arrives to get her hair done also… Which is strange as it looks like it’s already done. It’s really just an excuse for the ladies to all swap stories about Teresa and how to handle her. I’m suggesting just shutting her out. Jacqueline thinks she has her boundaries set with Teresa even if she’s not happy. Caroline sees the movement toward Melissa from Teresa, but Kathy isn’t getting the same love. Oh, it’s the great cookie assault. They suggest Kathy sit next to her at dinner and maybe it will help Teresa finally throw a little love her cousin’s way. Um, can we all see how this is going to turn out?
Rachel: It’s not helping that Kathy’s picking at Jacqueline about their talk and that Caroline is picking back at her wounds.
Melissa’s What Happened: The last supper for the gang and let the wine flow. Teresa raises a glass to thank Chris and Jacqueline for the invite, Melissa and Joe for the wonderful time with them and Caroline’s birthday. Poor Kathy. Yes, Teresa you have proved yourself once again. In the words of one of our readers… Bitch with a capitol C – thank you storm915!! That will forever be my favorite expression.
Rachel: It’s about to go down. Yep, and there’s the lioness going in for the kill with that toast. She’s such a bitch. Greggy! Where have you been all episode?!?! We desperately needed your comic relief! Why did you forsake us?
Rachel: How many more episodes of this?
Melissa: Next week is one too many in my humble opinion.